I would like advice on how to format a section of text

[8letters]

I've got a section of a story that I'm not sure how to format. The MMC is Eli, and he's with his sister Z and her best friend Katharine. He's alternating kissing the two women. Z talks to Eli while he's kissing Katharine, and Katharine talks to Eli while he's kissing Z.

Right now, I've been putting each kissing session with a woman in its own paragraph. so that paragraph has the narrator's description of kissing who he's kissing, his thoughts, and the dialogue from whomever he's not kissing. I'm worried that's confusing or not coming across clearly.

Example:

Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.” Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time. “After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.” Z kissed me again, longer than the last. “She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.” Z gave me a short kiss. “But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”
:
When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her. I heard Katharine unzipping something as she said, “So I came up with the idea of a flirting workshop.” Z kissed me. My passion was getting to the point that it was hard to control. I wanted to grab Z’s ass and grind her body against mine. Katharine said, “It seemed like the perfect thing. If Z felt towards you like I thought she did, she be so jealous that I could talk her into that she loved you and should make a move on you. And you’d be so horny from all the flirting that you’d offer her little resistance.” Z kissed me again, this time slipping her tongue into my mouth. I could her Katharine doing what sounded like her removing her jeans.

I could change it to a bunch of short paragraphs:

Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.”

Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time.

Katharine said, “After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.”

Z kissed me again, longer than the last.

Katharine continuted, “She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.”

Z gave me a short kiss.

Katharine said, “But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”
:
When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her.

I heard Katharine unzipping something as she said, “So I came up with the idea of a flirting workshop.”

Z kissed me. My passion was getting to the point that it was hard to control. I wanted to grab Z’s ass and grind her body against mine.

Katharine said, “It seemed like the perfect thing. If Z felt towards you like I thought she did, she be so jealous that I could talk her into that she loved you and should make a move on you. And you’d be so horny from all the flirting that you’d offer her little resistance.

Z kissed me again, this time slipping her tongue into my mouth. I could her Katharine doing what sounded like her removing her jeans.

Or I could use HTM to group the sentences this way:

Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.”
- Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time.
- “After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.”
- Z kissed me again, longer than the last.
- “She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.”
- Z gave me a short kiss.
- “But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”
:
When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her.
- I heard Katharine unzipping something as she said, “So I came up with the idea of a flirting workshop.”
- Z kissed me. My passion was getting to the point that it was hard to control. I wanted to grab Z’s ass and grind her body against mine.
- Katharine said, “It seemed like the perfect thing. If Z felt towards you like I thought she did, she be so jealous that I could talk her into that she loved you and should make a move on you. And you’d be so horny from all the flirting that you’d offer her little resistance.”
- Z kissed me again, this time slipping her tongue into my mouth.
- I could her Katharine doing what sounded like her removing her jeans.

What do you think would work best?

 

[jaF0]

What do you think would work best?

You: "* One of the top 100 most followed authors on LitE"

Me. Worthless peon with a mere handful of scribblings.


But I would rewrite the whole thing. I couldn't follow it at all.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

At the very least, break up the longer paragraphs. I find them a bit confusing. The first one might need some work to smooth off some rough edges (all drafts do, yes?) but I find it easier to read than the second.

Good luck.

 

[SimonDoom]

I'm not at all clear about what you're asking. I don't understand option 2.

In general, I think it's a good idea in Literotica stories to start each new line of dialogue with a new paragraph. One might not do this in a novel, but I think it reads better when it's on the Internet.

A few suggestions:

"thanks" should be "thank"

I suggest putting "Katherine said" after the initial snippet of dialogue rather than starting the paragraph with it.

"longer than the last" is a modifying phrase but it doesn't modify anything. What is the thing that is longer than the last? It needs to be rewritten. Perhaps: "Z kissed me again. This kiss was longer than the last one."

-- When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her.

I think this sentence is vague. What does it mean that she released him? What does it mean to guide him back to her? I can't visualize what's happening here.

In general, I'm confused about what's going on in this passage. My gut is to go with option 1 rather than option 2, but part of my reason for that is I don't understand option 2.

 

[ElectricBlue]

What's the purpose of the scene?

This seems plod, plod, plod. It's really mechanical and repetitive, there's no natural flow. Breaking it up with the usual dialogue formatting works better for me, but I can see why you're struggling. The whole scene seems to be belabouring something, but I can't see what it is - there's not really enough context to guide us. I can't see much arousal going on, though, not with all the conversational chat.

 

[ChasPHX]

I actually think this is working pretty well. Definitely not option 3. I'm partial to a version of option 2 for sure.

I'm feeling the buildup even from this small chunk. The phrase "flirting workshop" alone is doing things for me.

I completely agree with the earlier post calling out this paragraph: "When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her." That's all kinds of confusing as to who's doing what to who and in what physical configuration.

I might try sticking with very simple, clear physical positioning laid out before the kissing/dialogue begins, then use the short paragraphs as you've done to describe kissing action vs dialogue, but don't play around too much with shifting bodies at the same time.

Once the kissing/dialogue has played for a bit, switch to physical action, perhaps in a longer descriptive paragraph. That would have the affect of "breaking up" the stacatoness of it and give the reader more to visualize. Then you could do another round of kissing (or more?) and dialogue snippets, and set a nice pattern. Maybe, if you're good, you could even get a rhythm going ; )

Good luck. You had me at "flirting workshop."

 

[Bramblethorn]

This is a challenging one. There are things to be said for each of your options, but IMHO they all have one common drawback.

You have two threads of action going: Katherine talking, Z kissing. If I understand your intentions correctly, you want those two to complement one another, like two instruments combining to make a song. But the way it's structured, every time you check in on one of those threads, you bring the other to a stop. It feels like they're tag-teaming one another, when I think you're aiming for them to be simultaneous.

With that in mind, I'd suggest a fourth option:

*****

Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never"—Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time—"would have done it without me pushing her. After a couple of weeks of movie nights"—Z kissed me again, longer than the last—"I noticed Z was talking differently about you. She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.” Z gave me a short kiss. “But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”

*****

Using em-dashes for interrupted speech lets you describe Z's part of the action without terminating Katharine's speech - it's still there, ready to resume right where it left off.

I've left the last couple of sentences as you had them, because in between "...nice guys" and "But she..." is a natural place for Katharine to pause, so the sentence break works fine there. It gives an opportunity to mix up the structure and rest those em-dashes.

 

[jaF0]

Using em-dashes for interrupted speech lets you describe Z's part of the action without terminating Katharine's speech - it's still there, ready to resume right where it left off.

What about parentheses in there?

 

[Bramblethorn]

What about parentheses in there?

Could do, e.g.:

*****
Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.” (Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time.) “After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.” (Z kissed me again, longer than the last.) “She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.” (Z gave me a short kiss.) “But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”
*****

or:

*****
Z did something here, because it'd be weird to start the paragraph with a parenthesis. (Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.”) Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time. (“After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.”) Z kissed me again, longer than the last. (“She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.”) Z gave me a short kiss. (“But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”)
*****

IMHO, either of those feel a bit less choppy than the original examples. But they create different emphases. In the first version, the spotlight is on Katharine's speech, with the parentheses de-emphasising Z's actions, and in the second it goes the other way. If the OP wants to emphasise one over the other, parentheses could be a good option. For equal weight on both, I'd go with the em-dash structure instead.

 

[yukonnights]

Example:
Quote:
Katharine said, “You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.” Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time. “After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.” Z kissed me again, longer than the last. “She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.” Z gave me a short kiss. “But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”
:
When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her. I heard Katharine unzipping something as she said, “So I came up with the idea of a flirting workshop.” Z kissed me. My passion was getting to the point that it was hard to control. I wanted to grab Z’s ass and grind her body against mine. Katharine said, “It seemed like the perfect thing. If Z felt towards you like I thought she did, she be so jealous that I could talk her into that she loved you and should make a move on you. And you’d be so horny from all the flirting that you’d offer her little resistance.” Z kissed me again, this time slipping her tongue into my mouth. I could her Katharine doing what sounded like her removing her jeans.

I was surprised, but pleasantly so, as Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time. Katherine's words play a background melody for the dance of our lips.

“You have me to thank for Z being your girlfriend. She never would have done it without me pushing her.”

Perhaps it was Katherine's words, but Z kissed me again — even harder.

“After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you.”

Z put her hand on the back of neck and kissed me again, even longer.

“She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys.”

Z gave me a short kiss, ( as if to pull my mind away from Katherine's words)(?).

“But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”

When Katharine released me, Z put her hands on my shoulders and guided me back to her.
******

Anyway, the main thing I did there is to shift the POV narrator to the start of each short line. This might anchor/orient the reader better w/o greatly effecting the purpose of the structure.

(I added some words, just to give it some context w/o the whole scene being available.)

 

[ElectricBlue]

Boo Boo, meant to hit Preview Post

Licking tree bark again, Yukon?

 

[yukonnights]

Licking tree bark again, Yukon?

Naw, not this time of year ya dang fool. I was shooting at a griz on the front porch with one hand whilst I was typing with the other. Griz get hungry this time of year — but a Cheechako wouldn't know that. This time of the year you'll mostly find me either lick'n on the cork of a hooch jug — or depending on the time of day, I'll be licking on my sweet Lady Rose.

 

[8letters]

I decided to push the description of the kissing into a separate paragraph in past perfect.

Z moved towards me. “Katharine knows all about us.” Z put her hands on my shoulders as Katharine withdrew hers, and then Z kissed me.

“You have me to thanks for Z being your girlfriend,” said Katharine. “She never would have done it without me pushing her.”

Z kissed me again, a few seconds longer than the first time.

Katharine continued, “After a couple of weeks of movie nights, I noticed Z was talking differently about you. She talked about Dimitri, Landon and Rob like they were really nice guys. But she sounded all dreamy when she talked about you.”

While Katharine had been talking, Z had given me a longish kiss and a short kiss. She said to Katharine. “I think we’re caught up.” She turned me towards Katharine as she said, “I had no idea I was exposing my feeling towards you. Or that I had feelings towards you.”

Katharine kissed me. I hated to admit it, but she was a better kisser than Z. When she kissed me, hormones started flooding my system. Katharine looked me in the eye. “I’m an evil person, and the idea of bringing a brother and sister together thrilled me to no end.” She kissed me, slipping her tongue into my mouth. I knew now that if she had wanted me Monday morning, there was no way I could have resisted her. She was too damn sexy and knew too well how to press my buttons. Part of me thought I shouldn’t be doing this in front of Z. But as Z obviously approved of what I was doing with Katharine, that objection was easy to ignore.

When Katharine was done kissing me, Z put her hands on my shoulders, and I turned to face her. As the girls were only a few few apart, it was easy to face one and then the other. Z kissed me. I heard Katharine unzipping something. The girls were far enough apart that I couldn’t see one while I was kissing the other.

Katharine said, “So I came up with the idea of a flirting workshop. It seemed like the perfect thing.” I could hear Katharine doing what sounded like pushing down her jeans. “If Z felt towards you like I thought she did, she be so jealous that I could talk her into that she loved you and should make a move on you.” It sounded like Katharine was pulling a leg out of her jeans. “And you’d be so horny from all the flirting that you’d offer her little resistance.”

While Katharine had been talking, Z had been kissing me. At one point, I had put my hands on Z’s waist with the intention of bringing them up to her tits. Z had pushed them off her. Then she had slipped her tongue into my mouth and we had frenched. I realized that Z was mirroring what Katharine did. This kissing session went longer than what I had done with Katharine, but Katharine apparently needed the extra time to take her jeans off.

Edit: I'm not sure this is what ChasPHX was suggesting, but I came up with this approach after reading his post

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I was very confused by the entire thing. Were there three people in the scene? And only one was doing all the talking, while another one was doing the narration?

Maybe you should change the entire thing to third person? Just a suggestion.

 

[SimonDoom]

I decided to push the description of the kissing into a separate paragraph in past perfect.


Edit: I'm not sure this is what ChasPHX was suggesting, but I came up with this approach after reading his post

You're probably going to get fed up with too many cooks trying to help you cook your broth, but since you asked I'll offer a few more thoughts on this passage:

1. I would ditch past perfect. Stick with simple past tense. It flows better. It's jarring for a reader to have to switch from one tense to the other. You lose nothing by staying with simple past tense, and it's pithier and punchier. All those extra "had beens" and "ing" verbs slow things down. So I would write "While Katherine spoke" instead of "While Katherine had been talking."

2. You still need to change "to thanks" to "to thank."

3. In American English "toward" is preferable to "towards."

4. I'm still having trouble visualizing this scene, the way you describe it. The focus is on what Katherine is saying, and I think there's insufficient attention to what the narrator is doing with Z, so it seems imbalanced. Z doesn't seem like a real character in this scene. What is she doing, and how does the narrator feel about her?

 

[ChasPHX]

This is a fun thread! Thanks for starting it. All in the spirit of constructive workshopping...

Your rewrite isn't really what I was suggesting, but that's just as likely to be my own muddy mumbling.

And now that there have been additional posts since then...

I agree totally with SimonDoom re: verb tense. Stick with past. Simpler, clearer.

And I think Bramblethorn's critique was really insightful re: tag-teaming vs simultaneous action. The suggestion of using the em dash to separate dialogue from action was a great read, BUT, to me that gives the impression of action interrupted vs simultaneous action. That's how I would write it if Katherine was the one talking AND kissing, where she's constantly interrupting her own story to kiss.

The parenthesis approach feels like a better way to convey simultaneous action, but only the version with kissing in parenthesis and the dialogue outside of it.

Having said all that, I still think a version of your original option 2 could work quite well (your new rewrite does not improve anything yet in my view). Here's more what I was trying to convey in my first round feedback, structurally:

[mid length para that sets the physical scene and establishes clear verb tense for action. No dialogue. Also, why not just say that the action to follow is all happening at once? But sexy. Like, "K started telling me some story, but I hardly heard a thing she said, because at the same time, Z was putting her hands all over me" or whatever version of that works for the story.]

[short dialogue]

[kissing action]

[dialogue]

[kissing]

[dialogue]

[mid-length para that shifts the physical action around; characters trading places, moving around the room, whatever. No dialogue.]

[dialogue]

[kissing]

[repeat following the rule of 3 until glorious climax]

Looking forward to the final.