Scam callers? Fuck off!

[oggbashan]

I am retired and ancient so scam callers think I am a likely target.

This week so far:

To me: HMRC (Uk taxman): You are entitled to a tax refund because of COVID. No, I'm not. No such scheme exists.

To my wife: You have the wrong sort of cavity wall insulation. Her reply: No, I haven't. This house has no cavity walls. Sod off!

To me: We are sent by the government to inspect your house to make sure you have the right sort of loft insulation. We would give you a quote for insulating the underside of your roof with foam. Fuck off. We don't want that and you are nothing to do with the government scheme.


To me: Your Amazon Prime account has the wrong details. I'm not surprised. I don't have an Amazon Prime account.


But too many people fall for these.

 

[AlinaX]

Amazon & BT keep phoning me.

 

[PoisonPen33]

The amount of times I've been contacted about my vehicle's extended warranty is astounding.

 

[Carnevil9]

I always say, "Oh! I'm glad you called! I've been wanting to take care of that. Can you hold, just a minute? I'm in the middle of something." Then I put the phone down and go about my day.

I figure the more of their time I waste, the more I'm saving someone else from being harassed.

 

[Handley_Page]

I am retired and ancient so scam callers think I am a likely target.

This week so far:

To me: HMRC (Uk taxman): You are entitled to a tax refund because of COVID. No, I'm not. No such scheme exists.

To my wife: You have the wrong sort of cavity wall insulation. Her reply: No, I haven't. This house has no cavity walls. Sod off!

To me: We are sent by the government to inspect your house to make sure you have the right sort of loft insulation. We would give you a quote for insulating the underside of your roof with foam. Fuck off. We don't want that and you are nothing to do with the government scheme.

To me: Your Amazon Prime account has the wrong details. I'm not surprised. I don't have an Amazon Prime account.

But too many people fall for these.

I've had an HMRC call, telling me to Press 1 to talk to my case officer.
<click>
And I've suffered the Amazon Prime (WTF ??). That was another "I don't have Prime"
<click>

I always say, "Oh! I'm glad you called! I've been wanting to take care of that. Can you hold, just a minute? I'm in the middle of something." Then I put the phone down and go about my day.

I figure the more of their time I waste, the more I'm saving someone else from being harassed.

I like that one !

 

[Acktion]

When my wife was alive, there was a reason that she did not allow me near the phone.

She was virtually bedridden and kept the phone on her nightstand. I say virtually bedridden because she pretty much only got out of it to use the bathroom, bathe, or make her own coffee (which she swore I never did learn to do right).

One fine day, she was off in the kitchen making her coffee...

...and forgot to take the phone with her. And it rang.

Now I admit that my hearing is going. But, it wasn't so bad yet that I didn't hear her yelling, "don't you answer that! I'm coming! Don't you answer that phone!"

However, I ignored her. I was just in that sort of mood.

I don't recall now just what the company was, other than it had American in the name. However, the caller ID clearly said they were calling from Italy.

I will just admit right here that, yes. I am an asshole.

So, I let this guy get through his entire spiel. And then he finally gets around to asking me a question.

And I put on my best "old HeeHaw redneck grandpa" voice, and say, "Well, now. I don't understand why y'all would be callin' me all the way from Italy (eat-ly). I don't reckon I know anyone from eetly. Well, except for One Guy. I don't know as I ever knew his name. We just all called him One Guy on account that was the name of his pizza place. Do you know him?"

Well, neighbor, I must have got the tone just right. Because this shark did not hang up on me. Nope. He must have been salivating at the old fish he had on his line and dollar signs in his eyes. Because he started going through the whole spiel again.

Meanwhile, Love, bless her heart, has made it all the way back to the bedroom and has slid down the wall with tears streaming down her face from laughing.

I let this goofball get all the way through his spiel once again. All the way to the exact same question.

"Now, what did you say the name of yore company was? (wuuuuuzzz) American what now? Well, I sure (shore) don't understand just what a 'murican company is doing all the way over there in eetly. 'Cause that's what this ID thingamabob my grandkids got us says, it says you are calling from all the way over there in eetly. I don't think I know anyone from eetly. Well, except for old One Guy. Don't know as I ever knew his name. We all just called him One Guy, on account of that was the name of his place. Do you know him?"

This joker was just not going to give up that easy. He hemmed and hawed and tried to explain that he didn't know why it would say Italy. Oh, he was a trooper. He hung in there.

And I'll be damned if he didn't start going through his spiel AGAIN FROM THE TOP!

Love had tears and snot running now, and those veins in her forehead were just throbbing. She'd gone past snorting to that silent laugh with her mouth open in a rictus as her whole body shook like she was being electrocuted or having one Hell of an orgasm.

And when he got done with his spiel, again. I set into him again about what was an American company doing in Italy and I couldn't understand why anyone from Italy would be calling me because I didn't know anybody from Italy except for One Guy of One Guy from Italy's Pizzaria over by the college campus.

Friends, this cat had some stamina now. We went back and forth like that for thirty minutes. I was right on the verge of offering to find the number for One Guy since that must have been who he had been meaning to call and accidentally hanging up on him when I went to get it, when he finally gave up and hung up.

I went to go check on my wife to make sure she was still breathing, lying there in the floor, face down.

She was breathing plenty well enough to cuss me up one side and down the other.

"Why do you do that? I told you I was coming. I told you I would get it. But, nooooo. Now help me into the shower. You made me pee myself again, you old jackass."

No, no. She didn't often leave the phone where I could reach it while she was alive.

Personally, I never saw the problem. I'd like to see some jackass spam calling me try to sue me for sexual harassment for asking what they are wearing. Or for asking them to repeat it all, that I'm almost there, while slapping my inner thigh rhythmically.

These days, it's just not as much fun.

Oh, I'll still mess with them sometimes. I'm pretty good at never saying "yes." But, more usually I'll just answer on speakerphone and turn the movie I was listening to back up (with the phone mic right next to the speakers).

 

[oggbashan]

One of my friends is s retired prison officer. When he gets such calls he says:

Hold on. I recognise your voice. Does your probation officer know you are making these calls? I'll have your name in a minute, and when I remember that I'm remember your sentence and your time in prison. What did you say your name was? That wasn't the name I remember - but the voice..."

 

[Acktion]

Oh, man. It took years before I stopped answering our house phone with the name of the detention unit I used to work for. Years.

I think though that by far my favorite had to have been the one that called from "Windows."

I could not help myself. The moment they said it, in an accent thick enough you could have lain it down and fished off it, I just burst out laughing.

I finally managed to calm down enough to say, "I'm gonna put you on speakerphone. Can you say that again, please?"

"I am calling from Windows and we are showing that your computer has-..."

He didn't get any further before the other three people in the room laughed just as hard as I was and we hung up on him. Another couple, friends of ours, were over for dinner. Two IT instructors, a medical reference librarian in charge of technology, and a bank IT specialist. Boy, did he ever call the wrong number!

I've wondered from time to time if he ever figured out what he said wrong. Or if he just figured us for some "crazy Americans."

 

[NotWise]

The amount of times I've been contacted about my vehicle's extended warranty is astounding.

Sometimes twice a day.

 

[oggbashan]

One frequent one is "This is the security Department form Visa and Mastercard..."

OK? So two competitors are working together?


"Sorry I only have AMEX. That does me nicely..."

 

[TarnishedPenny]

There is a govt do-not-call list here. it does seem to work fairly well, excluding out-of-country scammers. For in-country ones, the penalties are stiff enough that the system has dramatically cut spam calls to my place.

We just adjusted our landline contract. A new feature is that, to be put through, the caller must enter a random number. Robocalls cannot get through it, apparently. It does seem to have worked.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

Will likes to engage "Kevin", who's obviously from somewhere in India, in increasingly intimate conversations about his wife, her body, their sex life, etc. until "Kevin" twigs on and hangs up.

He's also tried the "I told you not to call, they're all dead and I haven't cleaned up the blood yet" ploy, that worked well, and when he gets doorstepped by Jehova's Witnesses he asks them why Jehovah needs witnesses, what did he do, or he stands there reading their 'Watchtower' mag and going "f*ck me, this is f*cking amazing, this is so f*cking good, my f*cking mind is just f*cking blown by this, hey babe, come and f*cking read this, it's really f*cking good."

Jehova's Witnesses, Mormons, Hare Krishna, and Catholic priests avoid him like the plague, and the word must have got out, because "Kevin" has stopped calling...

 

[Small_Island]

My wife and adult daughter fell for the Windows service call (from India, I suspect). The fact that he got people who only spoke English when he called a Dutch number didn't seem to phase him. They tried for 30 minutes to find a way to pay for this service he said we needed. I don't know if he was expecting Dutch banking info and so the American stuff wouldn't work or the other way around or just the security protocols I had in place on the accounts did their job, but fortunately nothing worked and the guy had to give up in what I'm certain was terrible frustration.
I tried to be gentle in explaining that they'd been scammed and only escaped giving away the farm by sheer luck.
Now they just repeat my lines. No, no you're not from Microsoft. You're a lousy crook who should be embarrassed of yourself. Does your mother know what you do? then hang up.
What I really want is a reverse wire that allows me to send a signal back down their line to fry their damn phone.

 

[Lori_the_Hoosier]

There are a whole bunch of videos on You Tube posted by guys who specialize in driving phone scammers crazy by backtrtacking and deleting their files, corrupting their servers, and I watched one where the scammers' entire call-center got trashed. Just listening to these guys as they get owned makes my day!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lkmL_zZlO0

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Yep, but I get the robot ones. I hang up and block the number. I do hear from them again though from another number. When they stop calling me I have to assume I blocked all the numbers they have.

 

[Emirus]

My wife got a call, from a withheld number, from a man saying he was calling from ******** about a refund she was due. That was as far as he got before she hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again, it was the same man, he told her he really was for real, explained why, and a few days later the money was in her bank account. That’s the type of cold call you want. She also hung up on the hospital one day when she got a call she didn’t think sounded right from a withheld number.

The calls we never answer, and we can’t understand why they do it, is when you get the automated voice notification telling you it’s an international call. They are all scams.

 

[Handley_Page]

Oh, man.

"I am calling from Windows and we are showing that your computer has-..."

Reply:
"I'm sorry, but I no longer use Windows. . . ."

An alternative to all this cr@p is a simple answer machine and/or a caller ID thing.

 

[Bramblethorn]

We mostly get automated scam calls these days, which rather limits the potential for fun time-wasting. A lot of them prey on fear - either "there is a problem with your tax return, you will be fined" or "there is a problem with your visa".

 

[ElectricBlue]

We mostly get automated scam calls these days, which rather limits the potential for fun time-wasting. A lot of them prey on fear - either "there is a problem with your tax return, you will be fined" or "there is a problem with your visa".

I got one from Homeland Security the other day. I didn't know America was offering border protection for Australia, so that was useful to know.

 

[AloneTooLong]

mostly wanting to extend the warranty on my vehicle or solve my student loan problem (I am 81)

 

[ChloeTzang]

I keep getting duct cleaning calls. I put on the chinglish accent and go into a monologue about not having ducks but I have chickens and my chickens need cleaning and I keep going until they hang up. It’s a lot of fun.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

I keep getting duct cleaning calls. I put on the chinglish accent and go into a monologue about not having ducks but I have chickens and my chickens need cleaning and I keep going until they hang up. It’s a lot of fun.

Now why don't I get those kind of calls? I get the automated ones about how my visa card has a problem. It's a canned message so there is no fun involved.

 

[holliday1960]

I keep getting duct cleaning calls. I put on the chinglish accent and go into a monologue about not having ducks but I have chickens and my chickens need cleaning and I keep going until they hang up. It’s a lot of fun.

We both just spit coffee here, Chloe!

My sister has become so adept at thwarting the scammers efforts that they curse her by her first name now adays... screaming at her, "Fuck you, Particia!" before they hang up on her. (Apparently, they can't pronounce Patricia very well, so now we all call her Particia instead of Pat.)

'Emily' called her the other day to inform her that they were going to be charging $499 to 'her plastic card'. (Yes, they literally called it her 'plastic card'.) My sister said, "Really? Well, Emily... you can TRY it, but I can tell you now, it's not gonna work."

'Emily' asked her why not? and Sis said, "Because we're so poor from all this Covid mess that the credit card company took back our 'plastic card' and all we have now is a paper one!"

But while I'm happy to know that Homeland Security is on the job in Australia, I am very sad that so many people have lost the ability to use their call-forwarding amenity on their old-fashioned landlines. You see, I'd tried all the other avenues to end solicitation calls, including anonymous-call-rejection. Caller ID helps screen some of the calls and joining TWO different 'Don't Call' lists did little to nothing... So in desperation, I came up with a viable alternative plan... use the call-forward option to send all the annoyance calls directly to either the office of your Congressman, or the Governor's office of the state where you live. I figure sooner or later, if they get as many calls as WE get, they'll figure out how to STOP Robocalls entirely.

 

[stickygirl]

Since I've been forced by service providers to give my mobile number, I've started to get spam texts as well. Time for another mobile number I think...

I did overhear someone taking a spam call and once the caller made their spiel, the reply to them was "I hope at the end of your worthless life, you die a slow and painful death" the caller still continued to go on about BT on a Virgin landline...

 

[Rustyoznail]

I got one from Homeland Security the other day. I didn't know America was offering border protection for Australia, so that was useful to know.

Probably the same reason the IRS was wanting to talk to my wife about a tax bill. Did you know they take Apple gift cards?