Editing quotes in complex sentences.

[stoneartly]

Can someone please edit this one paragraph for me so I understand how the moderators want this done.

“Look at me,” I hissed. She lifted her chin, eyes wide, still biting her lip. “Bra,” I commanded. She unhooked it and as it glides off her body she covered her breasts with her hands. “Move the hands, let me see,” Her breasts were perfect, just enough for my hands to hold, with small dark areola and long thin nipples. It was all I could do to stay on the bed, she smiled as she saw me discreetly trying to adjust myself. “Now the Panties,” she shook her head no but she had not stopped looking at me. "Panties! NOW!" She stood there for a few seconds with her hands covering her face before finally hooking her thumbs in her panties and stepping out of them. A thick bush covered her vulva, it looked like she shaved her bikini line only.

I mean it is just one person speaking, it doesn't seem necessary to separate for example "Look at me," I hissed with a paragraph break.


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[Nouh_Bdee]

Can someone please edit this one paragraph for me so I understand how the moderators want this done.

“Look at me,” I hissed. She lifted her chin, eyes wide, still biting her lip. “Bra,” I commanded. She unhooked it and as it glides off her body she covered her breasts with her hands. “Move the hands, let me see,” Her breasts were perfect, just enough for my hands to hold, with small dark areola and long thin nipples. It was all I could do to stay on the bed, she smiled as she saw me discreetly trying to adjust myself. “Now the Panties,” she shook her head no but she had not stopped looking at me. "Panties! NOW!" She stood there for a few seconds with her hands covering her face before finally hooking her thumbs in her panties and stepping out of them. A thick bush covered her vulva, it looked like she shaved her bikini line only.

I mean it is just one person speaking, it doesn't seem necessary to separate for example "Look at me," I hissed with a paragraph break.


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I would break this up into several paragraphs anyway. Your action descriptions for her make it less than immediately clear that he is the only one speaking. I wold put each bit of dialogue in its own paragraph, and the action beats in between them in individual paragraphs between them. It's not strictly necessary, but I think it would make it more clear.

For example, you have the sentence: “Now the Panties,” she shook her head no but she had not stopped looking at me. <-Context makes it clear that he is the speaker, but grammatically it appears at first sight that she is.
"Look at me," I hissed. <-That example is different because the action beat, which is functioning like a dialogue tag, matches the speaker.
“Move the hands, let me see,” Her breasts were perfect, <-This one would have probably been fine with a period instead of a comma, but I would break it up anyway. There's no reason not to, and it does make it easier on the reader.

 

[Paul_Chance]

“Look at me,” I hissed.

She lifted her chin, eyes wide, still biting her lip.

“Bra.” I commanded.

She unhooked it and as it glides off her body she covered her breasts with her hands.

“Move the hands, let me see.”

Her breasts were perfect, just enough for my hands to hold, with small dark areola and long thin nipples. It was all I could do to stay on the bed, she smiled as she saw me discreetly trying to adjust myself.

“Now the Panties.”

She shook her head no but she had not stopped looking at me.

"Panties! NOW!"

She stood there for a few seconds with her hands covering her face before finally hooking her thumbs in her panties and stepping out of them. A thick bush covered her vulva, it looked like she shaved her bikini line only.

********

Okay, you may not like it, but the general rules of writing dialogue, which editors and readers will expect to see, are pretty simple.

"This is what I have to say, as a character." Paul said softly.

(The format is the characters dialogue, in quotation marks, followed by a marker that indicates which character said it. You can leave the marker out if it's clear from the dialogue which character is speaking.)

He shifted in his chair, always a bit uncomfortable when he tried to correct grammar on line, terrified of the grammar Nazi's.

(Character action or description, absent dialogue, should be presented as it's own paragraph, though you can ignore this rule if the character speaking and acting are the same.)

The whole purpose of the assorted rules of dialogue are to make it easier on your reader to follow the narrative. You can break any rule in experimental fiction, as long as you do it consistently through the story. One of the things to remember when you're writing for online venues is to keep your paragraphs short, shorter than you might do when writing for print. The Mark IV Human Eyeball needs white space when viewing a screen.

 

[stoneartly]

thank you all back to grammarly

 

[ElectricBlue]

“Look at me,” I hissed.

She lifted her chin, eyes wide, still biting her lip.

“Bra,” I commanded.

She unhooked it and as it glided off her body she covered her breasts with her hands.

“Move the hands, let me see.”

Her breasts were perfect, just enough for my hands to hold, with small dark areola and long thin nipples. It was all I could do to stay on the bed. She smiled as she saw me discreetly trying to adjust myself.

“Now the panties.”

She shook her head, no, but she had not stopped looking at me.

"Panties! NOW!"

She stood there for a few seconds with her hands covering her face before finally hooking her thumbs in her panties and stepping out of them. A thick bush covered her vulva, it looked like she shaved her bikini line only.

********

"This is what I have to say, as a character," Paul said softly.

Other corrections made: commas before two of the dialogue tags; a sentence broken into two sentences; a tense correction; and commas to designate a thought gesture ('shook her head, no, but...).