random musings

[ultramarineblue]

Why are people wanting to meet when we can't? It's really frustrating for me because I really hate disappointing the ones I know. I know they're bored but pressuring me to come alleviate their boredom is not right. I really hate saying no. But this isn't about me or them. I just don't understand why they don't get that.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Things seem different with him now. I could just be imagining it. I'm not sure he knows what he wants. I just want him to be happy. I'm glad I have been able to get to know him some.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Relationships are somewhat foreign to me. I've kinda had one long-term serious one except it never went anywhere. For the most part, I just as well have been alone. I really think I was just frenzied and in love with the idea of being in love. Now, everything is casual. I don't answer to anyone and do my own thing. I have a few people I play with on occasion. I'm pretty content. I sometimes wish I could play more often but it's really all good. I can't quite figure out why they never want to play more often. It wouldn't change the fact that it is still casual.

 

[ultramarineblue]

A friend has been communicating more often. It's been nice but I'm not really sure what's going on because he throws in some unusual stuff every now and then. We haven't really seen one another more often but we message back and forth more often. Simple fun interaction makes me happy. He's a really good guy. I've been lucky to meet some really good guys through all of this.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I sometimes wonder briefly if anything more would happen with one friend. Sometimes he says stuff that makes me wonder but then I also feel that he holds me at arms length. I know he was really hurt with a relationship so I've thought he may not actually want one. I can't allow myself to think about it because it is very unlikely.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I need to cuddle and have my back rubbed. Just simple touch that I rarely receive. I'd wish I had a teddy bear but my dog would claim it as her chew toy. I've been up and down today. Buying a few pretty things, picking out flowers for her grave, being rejected, not being rejected, more changes at work, the original friend getting a promotion at work, getting back in touch with a friend, a heated discussion. It's been a long day.

 

[Dreamliner]

An image I have seen recently a few times had me thinking last night. It is the image with a woman wearing a face mask.

My thoughts strayed to wondering how many women that pop into the BDSM forums, if you must wear a mask in public, would you, at the direction of your significant other, have either a ball or cock gag in your mouth for a period of time, while out in public?

I suspect it would have the most desired effect when the SO was with you and share perhaps your discomfort, maybe some embarrassment, but would it also raise your feelings and needs that can ultimately fulfill and quench those.

 

[ultramarineblue]

An image I have seen recently a few times had me thinking last night. It is the image with a woman wearing a face mask.

My thoughts strayed to wondering how many women that pop into the BDSM forums, if you must wear a mask in public, would you, at the direction of your significant other, have either a ball or cock gag in your mouth for a period of time, while out in public?

I suspect it would have the most desired effect when the SO was with you and share perhaps your discomfort, maybe some embarrassment, but would it also raise your feelings and needs that can ultimately fulfill and quench those.

That's really interesting. I have to wear a mask to work but I also have to talk so I'm not sure it could be done very long at my job. However, I can see where it would work in other situations where I'm out picking up groceries and don't have to really say anything. I'd definitely try it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm pretty luck on hold right now. I guess that is just as well since I need to focus on work right now. It'd be nice to have some cuddles though.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I had a very intense session with a on again off again play partner. It was absolutely amazing. I think it may have been the longest session we've had. Usually I think they lay around 30 minutes and I'm mush right after but wanting more pretty soon. This time I feel satiated which is a first for me I think. I didn't think I was going to make it to the end of the session successfully. There was a bit of knife play, tiny bit of breath play that didn't get to the point I was afraid, impact play, sombre restraints, and sex that left me in a puddle. He is by far the best sexual partner I've had. I've learned so many different things from besides sex. I think I probably trust him more than anyone else ever. I'm very glad that he's my friend.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I feel kind of lost right now. I'm tired and have a lot that I need to do but can't really get it together to do any of it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Giving a blow job might be my absolute favorite thing to do. I love focusing on that act completely doing everything I can to elicit good reactions. Some guys seem to think it's pretty one sided but it really isn't to me. I always feel happy when I've done well. I'm always wanting to learn what I can do better. At what point to move faster and the right point to slow down. I wish I could give one at least once a day. But circumstances don't allow for that and I'm ok with that because it makes the ones I do get to give even better to me.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I really wish I could go to him right now but I'm so tired that I wouldn't be able to make the drive back home. I'm using just about every possible second at work to work and still need more time to get stuff done. Anyway, I was worried he was not really wanting anything because it seems sometimes like it drags out for such a long time before anything can happen that it becomes forgotten. He was the second person I've ever really played with. He was the first person that told me he didn't kiss during play that kissed me once and since a few other times. That has happened with another person once. I don't read anything into it because I don't want to really go there because it could just be because a session was intense. I'm sure I did unexpected things that don't mean anything really. I think sometimes I would like to read more into it but that could just lead to complications or hurt feelings and I'm not really about that. I have to be told in absolute certain terms what is what. I'm not going to expect anything other than just some fun which also has a bit of relief and freedom with it. It's pretty freeing to not have to live up to expectations or have to get to a point where you don't want to say something because it could hurt feelings. Friendship is so much easier for me. I feel more honest and open when it's just that. I'm not sure why.

 

[Primalex]

That has happened with another person once. I don't read anything into it because I don't want to really go there because it could just be because a session was intense. I'm sure I did unexpected things that don't mean anything really.

I'm inclined to agree with your assessment. Of course, everyone is different, but overall, "spontaneous" kisses in scenes are likely not, but just another method of control. We know that a kiss can make her go the extra mile. (And I'm not particularly fond of sounding like a villain now.)

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm inclined to agree with your assessment. Of course, everyone is different, but overall, "spontaneous" kisses in scenes are likely not, but just another method of control. We know that a kiss can make her go the extra mile. (And I'm not particularly fond of sounding like a villain now.)

I just have learned to never trust that anyone wants anything more from me than just a little fun. With the first one, he is extremely confusing but I know he likes mind games. I would guess it was spontaneous. The second one very possibly planned it but there really is no reason whatsoever to do that to get me to go the extra mile. I'm wired to do that anyway. I'd just as soon give a blow job and receive no simulation at all that anything else. I actually really like that a lot. I almost prefer that most of the time. I like focusing on improving skill. I like doing things solely for another person with the only satisfaction I receive is that I did well. That's all I need. It's a very fine line though in that it can easily become a sense of being used in a bad way. I don't do well with that. I guess maybe I need to know that I'm appreciated for being used. I'm not really sure though.

I've come to prefer nothing serious too because it's just so much less complicated.


...................

Every time I try to become a little more vocal, I'm quickly knocked back in my place with reminders that I just need to keep my mouth shut. I need to keep to myself and just do what I'm supposed to do. I will always be forgotten and unimportant and invisible. I'm able to get away with a lot since I'm invisible. I should appreciate that more. I really wish I had more earlier. I'm so glad that I can spend the next 3 days to myself. I have a lot of work at home I need to do and a lot of work work that I need to do.

 

[Primalex]

I've come to prefer nothing serious too because it's just so much less complicated

I don't know.

There is a huge area between the extremes of "life as plain sex toy" and "life in constant relationship drama". Settling for either of the extremes to avoid the other extreme seems like an overkill.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are the things that should never been given up voluntarily (with a minor exception regarding liberty in the BDSM context ).

 

[ultramarineblue]

I don't know.

There is a huge area between the extremes of "life as plain sex toy" and "life in constant relationship drama". Settling for either of the extremes to avoid the other extreme seems like an overkill.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness are the things that should never been given up voluntarily (with a minor exception regarding liberty in the BDSM context ).

You are right. I don't know that I seek the other extreme so much as settle for it to avoid having hurt feelings. I'm not sure what else to do to protect myself though. Although I am happy that I've seen the other extreme. It has allowed me to learn more about myself. I do want to be open to possibility and new things.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I really don't feel well right now. Between mosquito bites, weather change, and allergies, I need more days to rest.

 

[ultramarineblue]

A couple of people I've played with have had some major drama lately. It was very overwhelming and had me questioning my decisions regarding them. The drama is pretty intense and I don't know what was actually true. I know what I want to be true but I do know that I need to be more careful in choices I make. I've not been involved in it so far thankfully. I hoped I don't get drug into it and that it pretty much fades away now.

I've also had another season with a different friend that really made me wonder about edge play and where the line that should never be crossed should be. Does that line change for different people? What are the things that should always be on the the other side of the line that must never be crossed ever? Is that something that is different for different people? It can't just be legal versus illegal because even with consent some common things are still possibly considered illegal. I think most would probably say that anything involving actual children, animals, or permanent intentional harm would be on the side of beyond the line to never ever cross. Yet people do toy with some of those ideas because they may be a little or engage in pet play where a person identifies as an animal like with pony play, etc. Does it fall under humiliation for one or losing a sense of self for others? While these may not be things that I do, I don't think badly or even think about anyone doing those things in a negative light. The frustrating thing is the fact that I will accept it's ok for someone often leads to that person thinking I would be willing to engage in that type of play. I don't want to yet being accepting of someone else's kinks somehow translates to willing to try in some people's minds.

At the same time, with someone I really trust and have submitted to, I might be willing to try some of those things to explore or even solely for that person's enjoyment. I'm just not about trying something that I'm not into with someone I don't know. The whole idea of trying something and possibly even continuing to do something I don't really care for but don't necessarily react badly to for a trusted someone's entitlement is intriguing. I would definitely do that. I don't know that I would get anything out of it except just the satisfaction of doing something for that person.

I also start thinking about how the things that I like that are somewhat kinky aren't really that kinky any more. What becomes something more edgy or more kinky or whatever? Does that mean that I'm not really into BDSM or what? I know that the defined power exchange is something that I seek. It gives me comfort. It is just right in my world.

I visited a friend that is a sadist recently. We didn't get to do any type of play involving that and while I'm sad in some ways that I didn't submit to that need of his, I needed to have that type of experience because it reinforced that I had some value to him other than just being someone he could whip or pick up a few needed items. I really value his friendship but there have been a few times I've felt used in a bad way with him. I've struggled with that because of the emotional aspect that I have wondered if it was healthy. I imagine some would advise to stay far away but I'm not sure that is really the answer. I've learned a tremendous amount and greatly value his friendship. We have really great conversations. I wondered if the conversations would ever become more habit of lose aspects I like about them. They may have somewhat are times but for the most part we still have engaging interesting conversations. There aren't many that I've experienced that with. I also know that we have just a friendship that is partly defined by the power exchange roles we are. It will always only be a friendship and I'm glad for that. I have ideas he doesn't agree with and he has ideas I don't agree with. I like that in spite of that we are still able to maintain a very good friendship.

Lots of rambling today. I'm not even sure if I've been able to get everything out it was even coherent.

 

[ultramarineblue]

So a recent session started with a lot of kisses. It was different but nice. I would never initiate that with him but I did respond.

I almost messed up with a different situation. I'm glad that it turned out ok.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I will not admit that I sometimes need or maybe it's more that I just want the sweet and nice. It does provide such a good contrast to the Dom or perhaps even sadist side.

I don't feel well. I think it's just weather changing.

 

[SeeMeRolling]

I really don't feel well right now. Between mosquito bites, weather change, and allergies, I need more days to rest.

Are you finding allergies worse this year? My seem to be acting weird. I am fine throughout most of the day, but then at night I get it with it. Almost to the point where I cannot breathe through my nose, it makes night time difficult to sleep.

 

[gracie920101]

Are you finding allergies worse this year? My seem to be acting weird. I am fine throughout most of the day, but then at night I get it with it. Almost to the point where I cannot breathe through my nose, it makes night time difficult to sleep.

Maybe you need to change pillows and also put a pillow protector on before your pillowcase goes on. Cuts down dust mites

 

[SeeMeRolling]

Maybe you need to change pillows and also put a pillow protector on before your pillowcase goes on. Cuts down dust mites

Not a bad suggestion. Thank you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Are you finding allergies worse this year? My seem to be acting weird. I am fine throughout most of the day, but then at night I get it with it. Almost to the point where I cannot breathe through my nose, it makes night time difficult to sleep.

I'm not really sure. I feel like maybe wearing the mask may have helped prevent breathing in some allergens. However, my house is so dusty right now that is probably making it worse for me.

Maybe you need to change pillows and also put a pillow protector on before your pillowcase goes on. Cuts down dust mites

I may need to try this too.