Looking for an editor for a Fantasy story

[SassyAnonymous]

Hi!

We have been role-playing with my partner Sarah, crafting a Fantasy story together and we thought it might be fun to share it with others. But unfortunately, our submission was rejected with the following message: "Please fix the punctuation of your dialogue."

We've looked at the guide in the message and fixed what we thought might be some of the mistakes, but we have been rejected again.

We would really, really appreciate it if we could get an editor to look over it and help us get it fixed.

Here are couple of paragraphs, we'd be glad to send you the whole thing for review. It's formatted a bit different than usual, switching between the Point of View of our characters, Alina and Khalia.

Alina:

I manage to swallow back the rage and vitriol I feel building up in my chest, my cheeks flushing angrily as you tease me. My heart breaks as I look at you, the woman I trusted most in the world, as much as my own mothers. Despite the changes in your appearance, I see the shadows of the you I used to know in your face. The high, dignified cheekbones, the devious twinkle in your eye, the curve of your lips as you grin, although now it looks just as much like a sneer.

"Did you only summon me to taunt me, to boast at my naivety?" I ask, bitterness filling my voice. "As if it weren't enough to usurp my mothers' throne and take my Queendom, you need to gloat? I'd expect as much from a demon", I retort, my voice filled with venom and anger.

But hate could only take me so far, and I feel an intense wave of sadness and regret wash over me, taking all the strength from my body. I look down and ask the question I'd been dreading the answer to for days. "What... what has become of my mothers?" I ask, the pain causing my voice to waver. "I'm assuming you killed them?"

Khalia:
So easy to bait. You had lashed out at me with so little effort on my part that it felt almost not worth the effort. Your mothers had proved a much more entertaining challenge, there was no doubt of that.

"Kill them? What kind of monster do you think I am?", I replied with fake indignation as my eyes glowed brighter on command. "Worst of all, what kind of idiot do you think I am?"

Thanks for your patience!
Emily

 

[29wordsforsnow]

You might want to check on punctuation in direct speech, there are lots of sites dealing with it. I marked some examples in your text...If you need someone to do the tedious work, feel free to send a PM.

Alina:

I manage to swallow back the rage and vitriol I feel building up in my chest, my cheeks flushing angrily as you tease me. My heart breaks as I look at you, the woman I trusted most in the world, as much as my own mothers. Despite the changes in your appearance, I see the shadows of the you I used to know in your face. The high, dignified cheekbones, the devious twinkle in your eye, the curve of your lips as you grin, although now it looks just as much like a sneer.

"Did you only summon me to taunt me, to boast at my naivety?" I ask, bitterness filling my voice. "As if it weren't enough to usurp my mothers' throne and take my Queendom, you need to gloat? I'd expect as much from a demon", I retort [comma goes inside the direct speech], my voice filled with venom and anger.

But hate could only take me so far, and I feel an intense wave of sadness and regret wash over me, taking all the strength from my body. I look down and ask the question I'd been dreading the answer to for days. "What... what has become of my mothers?" I ask, [this one is ok] the pain causing my voice to waver. "I'm assuming you killed them?"

Khalia:
So easy to bait. You had lashed out at me with so little effort on my part that it felt almost not worth the effort. Your mothers had proved a much more entertaining challenge, there was no doubt of that.

"Kill them? What kind of monster do you think I am?", I replied [no comma when question or exclamation mark inside the direct speech] with fake indignation as my eyes glowed brighter on command. "Worst of all, what kind of idiot do you think I am?"

 

[magic_knirf]

You might want to check on punctuation in direct speech, there are lots of sites dealing with it. I marked some examples in your text...If you need someone to do the tedious work, feel free to send a PM.

Good remarks, will correct my own submission as well. Thank you!

 

[Charrla]

Yes, commas and periods should go before end quotation marks, but that's American style punctuation. British style is to place them after. Is there no allowance for British authors, as well as those from countries that observe BrEng rules, to write in their native style?

It's such a tiny (and country specific) issue that I find it hard to believe that a story would be rejected on the basis of that alone. I've seen so many worse writing errors on this site. I wonder if there's a grammar program being deployed here that's just a little overzealous. It may be time to tweak the algorithm.

There's a faulty ellipses in this sample, but that too seems like a real nit pick. Basically, Chicago Manual of Style advises using three spaced periods for ellipses . . . like so. It's acceptable to not use the spaces...like so (or to use Word's built-in ellipses character), but then you shouldn't have a space between the last dot and the next word.

Anyway, good luck, OP! Your story seems not bad at all. I hope you're able to get it published.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Yes, commas and periods should go before end quotation marks, but that's American style punctuation. British style is to place them after. Is there no allowance for British authors, as well as those from countries that observe BrEng rules, to write in their native style?

I keep seeing this - British style is to place commas and periods after - and it isn't correct. When a phrase is quoted, yes, the comma might go outside the quotation marks if the original phrase was punctuated that way, but quoting a reference isn't dialogue.

'In English English, dialogue has the comma inside the single quotation marks,' he said, "which is the same as if it were written in American English, except that double quotation marks are used."

I've just checked my English editions of John Le Carre, an English writer if ever there was one, and all dialogue is punctuated as per the first speech line shown above.

If somebody can cite an English publishers guide for fiction that placees commas and periods outside the quotation marks l might stand corrected - but every English publisher I've ever bought books from hasn't seen it.

The site requires correct dialogue punctuation, and fiction requires punctuation , . ; ! ? ... inside the speech quotation marks, whether they be ' or ". Look at this way - the person speaking is pausing or stopping in their sentence, so that's where their spoken sentence ends. Same as if they're asking a question. That's the sentence the speech marks are signifying. Otherwise, you don't know what their ending inflection is.

Quotes and dialogue are not the same thing.