Feedback on the following parts of Kelsi’s Adventures

[WW2Mike]

Now that we already got the plot summary analysis out of the way, here are several bits and pieces of the story to answer from your perspective:

1. What exactly does Jordan do to Kelsi’s feet (beyond rubbing them at the park bench) throughout the story how many times?

2. Does Jordan kiss Kelsi on the mouth at all or not, at various points in the story?

3. Whose idea was it for Jordan to rub Kelsi's feet on the park bench - Jordan or Kelsi?

4. What do you think was the purpose of Kelsi wearing her Converse sneakers with no socks?

5. Do Kelsi and Jordan end up hating each other at the end or make peace with each other?

6. From your perspective, how did the beachgoers really feel when Jordan was just initially rubbing Kelsi’s feet?

7. Why didn’t the beachgoers come in to help Kelsi when Jordan escalated to kissing and licking her toes and the tips of her toes?

8A. When and what moment does Kelsi have an orgasm?

8B. When and what moment does Jordan have an orgasm?

9. How many times does Jordan insult Kelsi during the story?

10. What do you predict will happen to Jordan and Kelsi during their car ride back to their house (if there's a potential sequel), due to them leaving all their clothes behind back at the beach (with the exception of Kelsi wearing her Converse sneakers without socks again)?

https://www.literotica.com/s/kelsis-adventures

 

[ElectricBlue]

This is an odd way to seek feedback. Sounds like the book club questions you get at the end of some novels. It's not clear to me what you're trying to achieve here. ??

 

[WW2Mike]

This is an odd way to seek feedback. Sounds like the book club questions you get at the end of some novels. It's not clear to me what you're trying to achieve here. ??

I just wanted your feedback about the following that’s left to be answered by you and others.

 

[MadameSarcasm]

The story reads like a disjointed dream sequence. I can't begin to answer your questions because I can't relate to anyone or anything in this story, but ultimately, you're the writer, so it's up to you to figure out your characters and their motivations.
Good luck in your journey as a writer, and kudos for reaching out for feedback. That takes courage.

 

[WW2Mike]

The story reads like a disjointed dream sequence. I can't begin to answer your questions because I can't relate to anyone or anything in this story, but ultimately, you're the writer, so it's up to you to figure out your characters and their motivations.
Good luck in your journey as a writer, and kudos for reaching out for feedback. That takes courage.

If you had been given the reins to my Kelsi's Adventures story, what personality would you have given my characters, the father/daughter duo of Jordan and Kelsi, beyond the steamy sex?

 

[Jada59]

This is an odd way to seek feedback. Sounds like the book club questions you get at the end of some novels. It's not clear to me what you're trying to achieve here. ??

That's what I thought too.

 

[WW2Mike]

That's what I thought too.

What parts of the story Kelsi's Adventure would you have wanted to like?

 

[WW2Mike]

Naw, I was wondering if Jordan and Kelsi ended up hating each other or make peace with each other at the end.

 

[Jada59]

What parts of the story Kelsi's Adventure would you have wanted to like?

I didn't read the story, nor do I understand what you are looking for.

 

[lovecraft68]

Well....wow I don't really know what to say....but as my favorite you-tuber the Critical Drinker says let's down a few shots and dive right in.

This reads like a script not a story it begins...and age and physical description and way too many details on their clothing.

I'm also confused...this is in incest. You kind of say Jordan is the father with a clumsy "I knew you'd be the best father for..." who speaks like that? Also..who calls their dad by their first name? If he's step dad, that's fine, real dad...that doesn't work...especially in the incest category where readers enjoy knowing its dad/mom/sis that's fooling around.

I'm going to preface everything else by saying if English is not your first language then I'm calling out things that should be phrased better. If English is your first language? You need help I'm not capable of giving you, because I don't know what's going on in some places.

You explain-or try to-way too much,,,Kelsi puts her feet in his lap...okay, got it...then you use parenthesis to add 'on his knees' that's not necessary and using parenthesis doesn't work. This is fiction, not non fiction use a dash in his lap-on his knees-etc...but in this case lose the on his knees anyway.

This line

Then from out of nowhere, a group of strangers are in awe that Kelsi's feet are sore from all the walking, and that Jordan is being a good man by rubbing them.

What? They're strangers, but in awe someone's feet are sore?


"Thanks." said Kelsi, before Jordan grabs her feet and sniffed her sweaty pheromones from in between her toes and from the soles.

Okay, I have a foot fetish, but pheromones? Maybe feet have them, but that term just sucks sexy right out of this.

And after it turned out that he drank a dozen of beers prior to walking, he then takes off his jeans and exposed his 8-inch dick in front of her.

What does drinking beer have to do with taking his jeans off? Maybe undoing the snap...and no no no with the 8" we don't need measurements. That's childish. Others will argue on that one, but this is my feedback so I'm going to feedback my way.


"Um, thanks for the foot rubs and smelling them, but this is WAY TOO MUCH!" said Kelsi, as she appreciated her father for giving her relaxing foot rubs but him exposing his big dick in front of her was just weird.

I have nothing for the above...to quote my wife in full drama mode, tosses hands up and says "I can't!"

And I'll stop there because I could do this to every sentence/paragraph.

This isn't a story its a scene. You call this Kelsi's adventures so maybe your idea is each chapter is a different encounter?

There is no character development here, no build up(which is important in taboo to a lot of readers) and its just kind of disjointed.

You use and way too often

You use and then even more often "and then and then and then" sounds like how my grandson talks when he's telling me what he did yesterday.

My last thoughts are...again, if you're not an English first writer, read some stories and learn how people write/speak narrate

If you are English first...unless this is meant as a comedy, I have no idea what you're doing or going for here. I felt like the guy and the robots in Mystery science fiction 3000 who watch and make fun of bad movies, because I reached a point I couldn't give real feedback, it would have been just snark and laughing.

Final...all your pop quiz questions above seem like you did have no idea what you were doing and want people to tell you what to do. Feedback is to advise what you did right and what you could do better, not feed you ideas or make it a choose your own adventure style story.

Sorry I can't be more constructive, but there's not much here I can work with.