Female-Led Relationships

[Twitche]

Just a couple of weeks ago I started looking around for a thread about female domination. I did searches and came up with threads about bsmd and fendom, but those definitions didn’t really fit.

My guy is a natural submissive, but can also switch. He is wonderfully sensitive, empathetic, nurturing and sentimental. Frankly, all the qualities I am not. We balance each other out. I’m hot tempered and hard headed. Because of his nature and his feelings for me, I could easily take advantage of him and walk all over him in a heart beat. I choose not to hurt him or our relationship, which causes me to exercise self control. Female lead relationship is the perfect definition for us. This doesn’t make my guy weak at all. His self awareness and ability to tap into his emotions to gain loyalty makes him a good leader at work. He really is a rock in a storm.

I essentially run our household and social life. During my work life I have to be “large and in charge”. I work in a field we’re I have to direct men in their jobs. The job is a natural fit for me, however it can be mentally exhausting. Very often I’m the last word when a decision needs to be made. Some of the glory, but all the blame if something goes off the track.

All that said, it can be tough in the bedroom. He gives me room and generally waits for me to initiate sex. I have a high sex drive so that’s frequent, however I get tired of being in charge. There is no doubt that I would desire a more submissive role in the bedroom. Usually doesn’t seem to work out that way. My guy urges to be led are stronger than my need to be submissive. I’ve literally told him that I’m withholding sex until he initiates. So I wait a few days... by the time he initiates he is so wound up he becomes more aggressive/assertive. Lol so I’m still leading. He can be assertive and aggressive, but that’s not his fall back. Someone mention back on the thread about being a Booty call”, yep sometimes I let him know he’ll be servicing me in the evening. He rather likes that, plus it gets the dinner dishes done for me.

Do any gals sometime tire of this role? Taking charge is second nature to me. 95% of the time I’m good with it. It feels right. It’s who I am. For the other 5% of the time, I’d love to be on the receiving end.

 

[Scareltt]

I always thought..

First of all, Scarlett's last post was really really hot. Pun intended. I have done quite a bit of naked cooking (or wearing only a chefs apron) and have learned to be careful of the jalapenos by touching my face without thinking of it. I never tried heating up anything lower, but now I'm wondering...

To speak to the original post on this thread, I do almost all of the cooking and cleaning, but mostly I do this because I have the time and I love making my wife happy and giving her the time to pursue her interests and passions.

We have a wonderful relationship but it is loosely defined. Sexually I am very submissive, but I have strong opinions, an independent streak, and it has been mentioned I am sometimes a bit stubborn.

For me, sexuality is a big part of my life, for her not so much. Being sexually submissive, this made orgasm denial a very natural fit. I often do the cleaning or the cooking wearing a chastity cage, cuffs and collar. She enjoys the results and the show, I enjoy feeling like a naughty slut being put on display. We also both enjoy that I become much more aware of and communicative about how beautiful and sexy I think she is as my time denied grows.

However for almost all decisions from money issues to what to watch on TV we discuss and seek answers that satisfy us both. As my time without an orgasm increases, I do become more "agreeable" to her suggestions on almost any subject, but I doubt I could be content surrendering all agency in my life to anyone for any extended period of time.

While I find the idea of a woman being aroused by using my desire to make me completely frantic and push me outside of my comfort zone for her entertainment, most of our life consists of taking care of the daily details and making sure we find the time to support and care for each other emotionally.

In my work life I tended to find myself taking charge when the leadership was poor, and taking the secondary role when it was good. I suspect our marriage is very similar to this. We both are intelligent and talented, but we both are fallible as well.

So, FLR? To me the idea of one person always in charge is somehow broken, so for me FLR would be a tendency, not an absolute. I am definitely a people pleaser, and I certainly tend to defer towards pleasing my wife on many things.

Not sure if this qualifies as FLR, if it adds anything of use to the thread or if it just satisfies my urge to talk about the subject, but a big hat tip goes to Lady_Jennaxx for starting an interesting thread.

I like the idea of my husband wearing just an apron in the kitchen. Too bad it’s not really an option.. maybe later after everyone is away at college.

 

[serve4her]

I like the idea of my husband wearing just an apron in the kitchen. Too bad it’s not really an option.. maybe later after everyone is away at college.

Glad you found the idea of the apron entertaining. My wife and I met later in life and don't have children which opened up quite a few possibilities not really available for many.

I know the jalapeno and ruined orgasm combo caught my attention. Pretty sure the next batch of guacamole I make will leave me wondering.

 

[Imaverycuriousguy]

I have felt the pain.

Glad you found the idea of the apron entertaining. My wife and I met later in life and don't have children which opened up quite a few possibilities not really available for many.

I know the jalapeno and ruined orgasm combo caught my attention. Pretty sure the next batch of guacamole I make will leave me wondering.

I used to work at a produce warehouse and loaded all kinds of produce for smaller stores. During my first night I noticed that the seasoned workers used little plastic baggies on their hands when scooping up loose hot peppers for bagging and delivery........I think it must have been rookie hazing because I wasn’t warned. After many bags of Jalapeño peppers, Serrano peppers and Poblano peppers I had to take a leak.....everyone but me had a good laugh.....it took at least 45 minutes of hopping and moaning before the pain became tolerable. It certainly would have ruined an orgasm

 

[Enchanted_Dream218]

I don't think there's nothing wrong with this kind of relationship. Everyone is looking for something different and we shouldn't judge by what people like or what they are into. It's about respect and common sense. Just because a woman is leading the relationship, doesn't mean she's looking down on her husband or her boyfriend. If anything, she most likely respects him for it or it's just something he loves. To admire a woman and look up to her.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

I don't think there's nothing wrong with this kind of relationship. Everyone is looking for something different and we shouldn't judge by what people like or what they are into. It's about respect and common sense. Just because a woman is leading the relationship, doesn't mean she's looking down on her husband or her boyfriend. If anything, she most likely respects him for it or it's just something he loves. To admire a woman and look up to her.

Bravo and perfectly stated, Enchanted. Thank you

 

[serve4her]

Sorry if it came off as judgemental

Regarding Enchanted Dream218's post...I agree with what you are saying that as long as the relationship works for everyone involved, that is what makes it a good relationship.

I wasn't trying to "instruct" anyone on how they should conduct their relationship, I was just trying to answer the original request from Lady_jennaxx for "...how this manifests in your day-to-day lives..."

I know I learn from my wife every day and she is a regular voice in my ear encouraging and guiding me to be a better person, not just to her, but as a citizen of the world. I also however like to think that I do the same for her.

In many ways I feel like our relationship is Female Led, but it is not patterned after a parent child relationship where I voice my opinion if allowed and then she makes the decision. If I feel strongly about something and we disagree, discussion is part of the equation for us. If she feels strongly about something and we disagree, we nearly always end up following her preference, but not always.

Maybe this doesn't work for other couples, but my comment about one person always in charge feeling broken was intended to imply my personal veiwpoint, not a stricture I felt all others should adhere to.

 

[littlecordelera]

...I have strong opinions, an independent streak, and it has been mentioned I am sometimes a bit stubborn.

My husband gets this way sometimes, but it's nothing a few days in a cage won't remedy.

 

[Scareltt]

Like button needed!

My husband gets this way sometimes, but it's nothing a few days in a cage won't remedy.

This is true!

 

[serve4her]

My husband gets this way sometimes, but it's nothing a few days in a cage won't remedy.

I'm guessing you want control more than my wife does, or your husband wants to submit more than I do.

I have to admit to wishing for a firmer hand at times (one coated in jalapeno juice for example) but not always, and she leans more towards consensus builder than towards disciplinarian.

Pretty sure my wife could have more control if she wanted, that's just not the way it is currently working for us.

 

[irishblade]

My wife could have every ounce of control but refuses to.

 

[serve4her]

I used to work at a produce warehouse and loaded all kinds of produce for smaller stores. During my first night I noticed that the seasoned workers used little plastic baggies on their hands when scooping up loose hot peppers for bagging and delivery........I think it must have been rookie hazing because I wasn’t warned. After many bags of Jalapeño peppers, Serrano peppers and Poblano peppers I had to take a leak.....everyone but me had a good laugh.....it took at least 45 minutes of hopping and moaning before the pain became tolerable. It certainly would have ruined an orgasm

Yeah, I use the plastic bag just to pick up a few at the grocery store, so I'm guessing that made for a pretty nasty shock. Good thing you didn't get something in your eye and try to pick it out.

 

[floridabeachguy]

I wouldn’t mind trying it on for size. Be a nice change of pace

 

[littlecordelera]

I'm guessing you want control more than my wife does, or your husband wants to submit more than I do.

I honestly don't know. This dynamic between my husband and me started before we were even dating. He kinda had this bad habit of comparing himself unfavorably to the guys I was dating, and at first, I really didn't like it. It felt really awkward. But eventually, I started to tease him about it, kinda out of spite, but also sort of just to play along with his little game. Over time I came to realize that the things he would say were actually true, and he wasn't being derogatory to himself, he was being honest with himself. By then, my teasing was ingrained in our relationship and a lot of fun and here we are!

 

[policywank]

I disagree. An effective leader, male or female, acts in the best interests of the organization.

I think that this is true. A good leader acts on behalf of all parties. They have greater authority (either expressed or implied) than those that follow but that authority should not be used disproportionately for their benefit.

Anecdotally I have noticed that for the wife in an FLR it is often the case that the exercise of her authority is critical to dispelling the many male centric notions that still permeate our society, within her marriage. That can cover the gamut of topics but her sexuality and sexual pleasure is often high on that list and that is a topic where men's expectations tend to deviate most substantially from reality.

The use of her authority to bring focus to her pleasure is entirely appropriate. And for some that may be a key reason for adopting an FLR approach. But it needs to be about more n than that - she needs to see the full context and responsibility of her authority.

 

[serve4her]

I honestly don't know. This dynamic between my husband and me started before we were even dating. He kinda had this bad habit of comparing himself unfavorably to the guys I was dating, and at first, I really didn't like it. It felt really awkward. But eventually, I started to tease him about it, kinda out of spite, but also sort of just to play along with his little game. Over time I came to realize that the things he would say were actually true, and he wasn't being derogatory to himself, he was being honest with himself. By then, my teasing was ingrained in our relationship and a lot of fun and here we are!

I'm a big fan of teasing, and it can be fun in both a sexual context and in other aspects of your life as well as long as it stops short of abuse. Where that line is could be very different from person to person, and you and your husband have to be the ones to determine where that is.

 

[serve4her]

I think that this is true. A good leader acts on behalf of all parties. They have greater authority (either expressed or implied) than those that follow but that authority should not be used disproportionately for their benefit.

Anecdotally I have noticed that for the wife in an FLR it is often the case that the exercise of her authority is critical to dispelling the many male centric notions that still permeate our society, within her marriage. That can cover the gamut of topics but her sexuality and sexual pleasure is often high on that list and that is a topic where men's expectations tend to deviate most substantially from reality.

The use of her authority to bring focus to her pleasure is entirely appropriate. And for some that may be a key reason for adopting an FLR approach. But it needs to be about more n than that - she needs to see the full context and responsibility of her authority.

My wife and I have no anecdotal experience, only our own, but you make some great points here as did twister947. Good leadership has to accept responsibility for leading. This is part of why our relationship is more of a tendency and less of an absolute FLR. Leadership done properly is a burden, in my opinion. My wife doesn't want to be responsible for leading all of the time, and I don't want to submit badly enough to accept poor leadership.

So we find a balance that works for us where I follow my natural instincts to please, she follows her natural instincts to find consensus, and we wrangle out the details when they cause problems. She is a very talented and competent woman, and most of the time very good at both seeing a good path and guiding us there.

The chastity aspect is as much for me as it is for her. It helps keep me in a more "receptive" mood to accommodating her, but it also provides me some level of sexual awareness even when she has no interest in this aspect of our relationship. Nothing like being caged to remind you that sexual decisions are all up to her, and if you want sex you need to find ways to please and arouse her.

 

[whenagain]

I honestly don't know. This dynamic between my husband and me started before we were even dating. He kinda had this bad habit of comparing himself unfavorably to the guys I was dating, and at first, I really didn't like it. It felt really awkward. But eventually, I started to tease him about it, kinda out of spite, but also sort of just to play along with his little game. Over time I came to realize that the things he would say were actually true, and he wasn't being derogatory to himself, he was being honest with himself. By then, my teasing was ingrained in our relationship and a lot of fun and here we are!

1) hot as hell.
2) I wish more women could realize it isn’t always low self image. Sometimes it’s seeing things clearly.

 

[policywank]

My wife and I have no anecdotal experience, only our own, but you make some great points here as did twister947. Good leadership has to accept responsibility for leading. This is part of why our relationship is more of a tendency and less of an absolute FLR. Leadership done properly is a burden, in my opinion. My wife doesn't want to be responsible for leading all of the time, and I don't want to submit badly enough to accept poor leadership.

So we find a balance that works for us where I follow my natural instincts to please, she follows her natural instincts to find consensus, and we wrangle out the details when they cause problems. She is a very talented and competent woman, and most of the time very good at both seeing a good path and guiding us there.

The chastity aspect is as much for me as it is for her. It helps keep me in a more "receptive" mood to accommodating her, but it also provides me some level of sexual awareness even when she has no interest in this aspect of our relationship. Nothing like being caged to remind you that sexual decisions are all up to her, and if you want sex you need to find ways to please and arouse her.

Agreed. Leadership is a burden and a responsibility. Those who think it is just an exercise in bossing people around or getting what you want all the time tend to be those who have never worn that mantle.

Frequently we think in terms of hierarchy but sports metaphors offer an interesting point of relief to that line of thinking because most of us can imagine sports teams where the general manager or coach is not viewed as the most powerful or valuable part of the organization. Yet they are the ones tasked with making key decisions on behalf of others. They lead without be most powerful or important.

We also get confused by the privileges of authority. We imagine that the leader flies first class and stays in 5 start hotels because he/she is deemed more important. Yet we overlook the fact that most of the time they are travelling those whom they lead are sitting comfortably at home with their family - a place far more hospitable and desirable than a nice hotel or a first class seat in a flying tube.

When an organization (and that can mean two) is in balance the perks of leadership are proportional to its burden. And it is not a prize to be sought but a role to be played by the person most qualified and most inclined to do so.

I think that as a hot wife leadership can also be borne of necessity. I am not my husband's playing thing nor his personal porn star. My sexual liberation is a reflection of my needs and desires, not his fetish. I indulge both his perspective and mine but can not imagine managing that without the authority to lead our relationship.

 

[serve4her]

1) hot as hell.
2) I wish more women could realize it isn’t always low self image. Sometimes it’s seeing things clearly.

The teasing is definitely hot, but I like your point about self image. We as humans are always comparing ourselves to those around us. It is how groups of most mammals function as a group and our societies are built around this concept giving us "ideals" we are expected to represent. Different ideals for different societies, but still...

I was a good athlete for example, but I wasn't the best at ANY sport. Does admitting this mean I have low self esteem? I don't think so. All of us know only ONE person who is the best at any specific thing.

I would suggest that it is possible that the women who assume you have low self esteem are probably seeking a dominant partner themselves but have difficulty admitting it. It is possible you do have self esteem issues, I have no idea, but then again most people do at least some of the time.

There are less true "alphas", especially good strong leaders, male or female than there are "betas". At least that is my experience with the world as a whole. Sexually, I have very limited experience with this dynamic, but I suspect the same is true there.

 

[serve4her]

Agreed. Leadership is a burden and a responsibility. Those who think it is just an exercise in bossing people around or getting what you want all the time tend to be those who have never worn that mantle.

Frequently we think in terms of hierarchy but sports metaphors offer an interesting point of relief to that line of thinking because most of us can imagine sports teams where the general manager or coach is not viewed as the most powerful or valuable part of the organization. Yet they are the ones tasked with making key decisions on behalf of others. They lead without be most powerful or important.

We also get confused by the privileges of authority. We imagine that the leader flies first class and stays in 5 start hotels because he/she is deemed more important. Yet we overlook the fact that most of the time they are travelling those whom they lead are sitting comfortably at home with their family - a place far more hospitable and desirable than a nice hotel or a first class seat in a flying tube.

When an organization (and that can mean two) is in balance the perks of leadership are proportional to its burden. And it is not a prize to be sought but a role to be played by the person most qualified and most inclined to do so.

I think that as a hot wife leadership can also be borne of necessity. I am not my husband's playing thing nor his personal porn star. My sexual liberation is a reflection of my needs and desires, not his fetish. I indulge both his perspective and mine but can not imagine managing that without the authority to lead our relationship.

Smart, sexual, and confident, a triple threat! It sounds like you have done quite a bit of thinking about this, and you are both ready and able to take the role you want. I'm thinking your husband is a lucky guy.

I'm finding it fascinating to hear the different "voices" of multiple women who are comfortable with being in charge. Twitche, Scarlett, Littlecordelera, Enchanted_Dream, yourself, and of course Lady_jennaxx who started the thread. Several of you indicate a willingness to accept private messages either in your signature or your profile, and I would be interested in continuing a conversation on this topic.

Not sure I'm contributing anything of use to Lady_j at this point and it is her thread. It is however a topic I am both curious about and involved in at some level (at least by my definition). If I PM you and you are not interested in conversing, please let me know.

I will probably check back here occasionally but for the moment I'll wish Lady_jennaxx best of luck in her search, hope I contributed something of worth to her, and step back from the thread.

 

[focalss]

Parts appeal to me but dominance and power exchange are more of a turn on. FLR to me seems like it is less connected to sex. I wouldn't frankly submit without sex and the stories of chastity or cuckolding are unappealing to me.

 

[eroticspank]

Parts appeal to me but dominance and power exchange are more of a turn on. FLR to me seems like it is less connected to sex. I wouldn't frankly submit without sex and the stories of chastity or cuckolding are unappealing to me.

An FLR is the type of relationship that you both agree to and are interested in doing. That means it is important to talk about interests, fantasies, limits, and expectations in the relationship prior to getting in to it. Every FLR is different and is something special to each couple. And you make up your own rules and guidelines vs going by what you have heard others do.

ES

 

[policywank]

An FLR is the type of relationship that you both agree to and are interested in doing. That means it is important to talk about interests, fantasies, limits, and expectations in the relationship prior to getting in to it. Every FLR is different and is something special to each couple. And you make up your own rules and guidelines vs going by what you have heard others do.

ES

Good point. One could say that every relationship is different. Sometimes the descriptors help put things into context. But I tend to believe that we are a bit too complex to be easily defined and nothing is achieved by trying assessing the validity of someone else's description for their own relationship.

 

[lady_jennaxx]

Good point. One could say that every relationship is different. Sometimes the descriptors help put things into context. But I tend to believe that we are a bit too complex to be easily defined and nothing is achieved by trying assessing the validity of someone else's description for their own relationship.

I agree policywank, thank you