Feedback required on my first story

[darwin123]

Hey everyone, my first story on Literotica got published and looking at the analytics, I would like some constructive feedback as to where can I improve. This is the link https://www.literotica.com/s/sally-makes-my-day

 

[Jada59]

You made the same mistake twice. "Built" instead of "build". And some the verbiage is very strange. Is English a second language for you?

I also found it odd that the woman sat down next to you, you both fell asleep. Then strange things happened to her clothes and she asked *you* what to do about it. I think most women would not care about bra straps showing. Tops with spaghetti straps are cheap. Why couldn't she have stopped by some store to buy another one?

I didn't particularly like the part about you almost shitting yourself. To me that's not erotic and I found it hard to read further.

Overall, the story wasn't very erotic to and was very short.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Asking for a friend

Jada, when was the last time you didn't find something objectionable in the first 1000 words, and were able to offer something constructive to another author? It seems like all you ever do is crap on others for not having appealed to your tastes.

 

[GroverLang]

Jada, when was the last time you didn't find something objectionable in the first 1000 words, and were able to offer something constructive to another author? It seems like all you ever do is crap on others for not having appealed to your tastes.

You made me laugh but your comment is entirely true. I’ve just read another comment by Jada on a request by a new writer for feedback and thought the same thing.

Every writer, new or otherwise, needs encouragement. Even if you find things in a story you don’t like you can always find something on which to offer constructive advice.

Pulling a story apart for the sake of it without offering something constructive is wrong. If you aren’t prepared to offer advice as to how the story could have been improved why bother saying anything?

 

[AlinaX]

Can't say I disagree with Jada on this one.

I guess this is set somewhere hot and 'ac' means air-conditioned, and that ladies' seats are a thing?

Far too much panic and sleeping here, and when the chance came for actual dialogue? None.
Is there anyone else on the bus?

 

[Jada59]

Jada, when was the last time you didn't find something objectionable in the first 1000 words, and were able to offer something constructive to another author? It seems like all you ever do is crap on others for not having appealed to your tastes.

That's not true. i can't remember the date, but I know of two people whose works I found no fault with at all.

 

[Jada59]

You made me laugh but your comment is entirely true. I’ve just read another comment by Jada on a request by a new writer for feedback and thought the same thing.

Every writer, new or otherwise, needs encouragement. Even if you find things in a story you don’t like you can always find something on which to offer constructive advice.

Pulling a story apart for the sake of it without offering something constructive is wrong. If you aren’t prepared to offer advice as to how the story could have been improved why bother saying anything?

He did ask for feedback. Did you read the story?

 

[SimonDoom]

That's not true. i can't remember the date, but I know of two people whose works I found no fault with at all.

I think AwkwardMD's point is that with EVERY review you should try to say something constructive. Find something positive in the story and say something about it. Say something that will help the author do a better job achieving his or her artistic goals. You don't do that in this "review", or in most of your reviews.

Telling somebody that YOU didn't find the story erotic is not at all helpful.

If all you do is point out five things you don't like about a story and how the story doesn't do it for you, you're not giving feedback. You're waving your hand in the air and saying, "Look at me."

 

[GroverLang]

He did ask for feedback. Did you rad the story?

Right at the start of your comment you pulled the author up for putting “built” instead of “build” and asked if English was their first language.

In your comment I’m quoting you asked me, “Did you rad the story?”

In answer to your question I did read it and the major word to jump out at me was the use of “ambivert” which is totally incorrect for his personality as, shortly afterwards, we discover he is shy. From what we’ve read so far he is not an extrovert. The story could have been written better and an anonymous comment has been left in public comments saying if he had read it aloud to himself before submitting he would probably have realised himself how he could have improved it. I’m not going to quote everything in the anon comment but it was positive.

 

[Bad_Egg]

You're comparing a thread post to a story....

In your comment I’m quoting you asked me, “Did you rad the story?”

https://media.giphy.com/media/vCKC987OpQAco/giphy.gif

 

[AlinaX]

... the major word to jump out at me was the use of “ambivert” ...

Heh. I saw that. Never seen the word before. Still not sure what it would mean in practice.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Halfway between an extrovert and an introvert

 

[AlinaX]

Well d'uh.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Re one of Jada's comments - I'm pretty sure "I almost shit myself" was meant as a euphemism for "I was really surprised/startled".

I don't really know why, but a few hundred words in, I started reading this to myself with an Indian accent. I think some of the phraseology reminded me of co-workers I've had who were from there. (If I'm wrong, please forgive my assumption).

Overall, I"ll say it wasn't bad. It definitely read more like a fantasy than a true story, but that's perfectly fine. No, almost none of what Sally did made sense in a real world way. But I could certainly imagine daydreaming an encounter like that if I were a young guy on a long bus ride.

Technically - I do think spelling out "air conditioned" bus would help readers understand a little more easily. I don't think you needed to have as much detail about *why* he picked the AC bus (It's hot, it's humid, it's a long ride, that much is clear. So the rest of the stuff about the clientele looking classier seemed a little redundant). Unless the AC bus goes a longer route, or costs more or something that he'd need to justify taking it.

There weren't any glaring grammar issues or typos that made understanding it difficult. It was a nice short, fun story. I got the feel of a glimpse of a different culture than my own, and that was nice.

 

[lovecraft68]

I think AwkwardMD's point is that with EVERY review you should try to say something constructive. Find something positive in the story and say something about it. Say something that will help the author do a better job achieving his or her artistic goals. You don't do that in this "review", or in most of your reviews.

Telling somebody that YOU didn't find the story erotic is not at all helpful.

If all you do is point out five things you don't like about a story and how the story doesn't do it for you, you're not giving feedback. You're waving your hand in the air and saying, "Look at me."

Okay, so first off I agree about trying to be positive and supportive for someone new.

But...what if a story-not saying it of this one, I didn't read it-literally has no merit, its just awful, like WTF? I have found those here. At that point does going out of your way to find something to build on border on false hope?

Just curious what you think.

 

[lovecraft68]

In your comment I’m quoting you asked me, “Did you rad the story?”

Its a post, not a story.

Don't be a tool.

 

[Jada59]

Heh. I saw that. Never seen the word before. Still not sure what it would mean in practice.

I saw it. Didn't know what it meant. Nor did I know what an ac bus was, but I don't know much about buses.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Okay, so first off I agree about trying to be positive and supportive for someone new.

But...what if a story-not saying it of this one, I didn't read it-literally has no merit, its just awful, like WTF? I have found those here. At that point does going out of your way to find something to build on border on false hope?

Just curious what you think.

I think there's still a way to do that tactfully. Find one tiny thing that you can say "yay" about. And failing even that, I'd say send a PM rather than posting something publicly.

 

[GroverLang]

Its a post, not a story.

Don't be a tool.

The only fucking tools around here are you and that moron BadEgg. Are you simply repeating what he said or are you actually as stupid as he is? You are always saying in your posts how bad your grammar is and all you’ve done here is highlight the fact. Neither you nor the moron had obviously read what Jada had written and which I repeated.

She asked me if I had read the OP’s story (although she put “rad” which was obviously an accident but shows she never checks what’s she written.)

If what you and the moron have said means you think what I’m now writing is a post and I say it’s a comment what’s the difference? As far as I’m concerned I am now commenting on what you’ve said. So would you say I’m posting about what you said? To me the only post on this thread is that by the OP. Everything else are people’s comments about the original and what other people have said subsequently.

“In your comment I’m quoting you said, “did you read the story.” She was obviously asking if I’d read the OP’s story implying if I hadn’t I had no right to comment (or am I supposed to say post?)

To put it in simple English you may (?) understand:

“In your comment.” I’m referring to what she said.

“I’m quoting you said.” I’m repeating what she said so there’s no doubt to what I’m referring. Just as you and the moron have done.

“Did you read the story.” The story being Sally makes my day.

The only tool needed is one to remove whatever you’ve got stuck up your arse! Comments from people like the moron are laughable but I expect better from you.

 

[GroverLang]

I think there's still a way to do that tactfully. Find one tiny thing that you can say "yay" about. And failing even that, I'd say send a PM rather than posting something publicly.

Succinctly put and exactly what I do. The writer has put time and effort into what they’ve written and no matter how bad a story is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism can always be given. If you think the way they’ve worded something is wrong then tell them how you think it should be written. Don’t just tell them what they’ve written is crap.

I would say the first story from most new writers isn’t very good, although it does vary from bad to terrible.

If you take a delight in kicking a new writer in the teeth rather than being constructive it says more about you than them. Why would anyone try to put someone off from ever attempting to write another story?

 

[Bad_Egg]

What's the matter; did you have to reuse a tampon?

The only fucking tools around here are you and that moron BadEgg. Are you simply repeating what he said or are you actually as stupid as he is?

https://media.giphy.com/media/lszAB3TzFtRaU/giphy.gif

 

[SisterJezabel]

Hey everyone, my first story on Literotica got published and looking at the analytics, I would like some constructive feedback as to where can I improve. This is the link https://www.literotica.com/s/sally-makes-my-day

Hey Darwin! I liked the premise of it- the girl was obviously flirting with him and he did not know how to respond. Literotica is filled with people from all over the world and I have received comments on my works that I should not have written in metric because it's not used in the US! My stories are set in Australia and it says so in my profile. I think sometimes readers need to read with a global context and be broadened in their experience through the writing of others. Fill out your biography on the user dashboard.

I remember growing up in Melbourne and catching the train to and from school in the 80s- in the middle of Summer if a non air conditioned train came along you would wait for the next one hoping it was ACd, but also acknowledging that lots of other people would wait too! Some people recognise phrases and words that might be different in context in other parts of the world and have a glossary at the start of the story. I'm not big on this, but I will comment on a story asking for clarification if I don't get it. Some people aren't so kind!

This was a solid first effort for a story on here. Don't be discouraged. Find your voice and write what you like. As others have suggested seek out an editor. One thing that has helped me is reading the story aloud which helps me fix grammatical inconsistencies and the like.

 

[Bad_Egg]

Holy shit! Your overreaction proves one thing: You feel stupid!

The only fucking tools around here are you and that moron BadEgg. Are you simply repeating what he said or are you actually as stupid as he is? You are always saying in your posts how bad your grammar is and all you’ve done here is highlight the fact. Neither you nor the moron had obviously read what Jada had written and which I repeated.

She asked me if I had read the OP’s story (although she put “rad” which was obviously an accident but shows she never checks what’s she written.)

If what you and the moron have said means you think what I’m now writing is a post and I say it’s a comment what’s the difference? As far as I’m concerned I am now commenting on what you’ve said. So would you say I’m posting about what you said? To me the only post on this thread is that by the OP. Everything else are people’s comments about the original and what other people have said subsequently.

“In your comment I’m quoting you said, “did you read the story.” She was obviously asking if I’d read the OP’s story implying if I hadn’t I had no right to comment (or am I supposed to say post?)

To put it in simple English you may (?) understand:

“In your comment.” I’m referring to what she said.

“I’m quoting you said.” I’m repeating what she said so there’s no doubt to what I’m referring. Just as you and the moron have done.

“Did you read the story.” The story being Sally makes my day.

The only tool needed is one to remove whatever you’ve got stuck up your arse! Comments from people like the moron are laughable but I expect better from you.

https://media.giphy.com/media/NNeyoSjPTDfhe/giphy.gif

 

[lovecraft68]

The only fucking tools around here are you and that moron BadEgg. Are you simply repeating what he said or are you actually as stupid as he is? You are always saying in your posts how bad your grammar is and all you’ve done here is highlight the fact. Neither you nor the moron had obviously read what Jada had written and which I repeated.

She asked me if I had read the OP’s story (although she put “rad” which was obviously an accident but shows she never checks what’s she written.)

If what you and the moron have said means you think what I’m now writing is a post and I say it’s a comment what’s the difference? As far as I’m concerned I am now commenting on what you’ve said. So would you say I’m posting about what you said? To me the only post on this thread is that by the OP. Everything else are people’s comments about the original and what other people have said subsequently.

“In your comment I’m quoting you said, “did you read the story.” She was obviously asking if I’d read the OP’s story implying if I hadn’t I had no right to comment (or am I supposed to say post?)

To put it in simple English you may (?) understand:

“In your comment.” I’m referring to what she said.

“I’m quoting you said.” I’m repeating what she said so there’s no doubt to what I’m referring. Just as you and the moron have done.

“Did you read the story.” The story being Sally makes my day.

The only tool needed is one to remove whatever you’ve got stuck up your arse! Comments from people like the moron are laughable but I expect better from you.

You were calling out she made a typo in her post. Trying to make a point she called out a type/word misuse in a story to be snotty and follow up and brown nose awkward because hyenas always travel in packs.

Now you're pissed off I made a point of it.

If you''re going to be funny and dish it, then don't get your hair up when you get it back.

Not sure what my grammar has to do with this, seeing I didn't say anything about the story, in fact I'm staying on point buy replying to you for being snarky about a typo in a post

Because I'm sure you're perfect in all yours.

But if this is what it takes for you to suck up to a another poster and feel good about yourself, go for it.

 

[GroverLang]

You were calling out she made a typo in her post. Trying to make a point she called out a type/word misuse in a story to be snotty and follow up and brown nose awkward because hyenas always travel in packs.

Now you're pissed off I made a point of it.

If you''re going to be funny and dish it, then don't get your hair up when you get it back.

Not sure what my grammar has to do with this, seeing I didn't say anything about the story, in fact I'm staying on point buy replying to you for being snarky about a typo in a post

Because I'm sure you're perfect in all yours.

But if this is what it takes for you to suck up to a another poster and feel good about yourself, go for it.

It wasn’t about her making a typo in her comment. It was you calling me a tool because you couldn’t understand something because presumably you hadn’t read it properly.

I’m supposed to be sucking up to MD because I agreed with her? In that case I’ve sucked up to many people on here. Including yourself. I may compliment someone on what they’ve written but never would I suck up to anyone. What’s the point on a site like this?

I thought when KeithD was having a go at you the other day he was wrong but perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps you’re not such a good person as I thought you were.