Physically Fighting before sex

[lovehim2011]

A new thing has spontaneously started happening between my partner and I while I’m happy about it, I’m a bit shocked. My husband and I have always had a sexual relationship that dabbled in BDSM. I’ve always been more into than him, which has been hard at times as I’m a natural sub when it comes to sex.

I’ve always had fantasies about consensual non-consent and we’ve done some of that. Well recently (like in the last two weeks) this has turned into physically fighting before sex sometimes. We are naturally competitive with one another and it started when we were going for a run together. He tried to drag me off into the bushes (and was successful) but I made it difficult for him. Anyway, it was a lot of fun but it occurred to us that we can’t do this outside. On the off chance someone sees, it doesn’t look like innocent fun, even though it is for us. So now we might play fight slightly in public, but we save it for home when the kids are sleeping and we’re sure they won’t hear. Right now we’re still testing the limits with one another. I’m not sure if this sounds ridiculous or not. We have been together for a long time and have an extremely deep and trusting relationship with one another. Is this a thing that many people do? I’ve never heard anyone discuss this and google hasn’t been very helpful.

 

[KimGordon67]

I have no idea if it's 'unusual', but it certainly echoes aspects of my last relationship that had a d/s aspect to it. I found it difficult to get my head around, because I'm all about the consent, and 'playing' with non-consent felt a bit wrong-headed somehow ... but at the same time, totally hot. I did talk with someone else about it at the time - I'm trying to remember what he said. It was something about the way the body works when you're 'fighting' ... damn that I can't remember, because it was good. If I find the conversation, I'll copy and paste that bit in this thread.
I guess the only thing I'd say is make sure you have a safe word, if you don't already, because all the 'normal' cues of not being into something any more can sort of melt away a bit.

I still have very fond recollections of being dragged across the bed by my ankle, or being manhandled into a blow job that I fought against ... sort of.

 

[lovehim2011]

Yes, we do have a safe word. He’s a pretty serious gentleman so he’s typically quite cautious with anything new. “That I fought against...sort of” Yes I know exactly what you mean. I want him to win, ultimately. I mean, the reality is that he outweighs me by about 100 pounds and is almost a foot taller than me so it’s a bit futile but it’s fun.

 

[phil1955]

Fighting does release adrenaline and other hormones. So the playful or semi serious competition/fighting Can easily lead to more intense sex. It is not uncommon for people who have come through a serious fight and find they are still alive to be quite aroused. I suspect it is the lizard brain kicking in. Fight, flight or procreate.

 

[Ropebunny]

This is something I very much love - there was once a thread sometime back that deemed it ‘battle sex’ which I thought was a fair way to describe the dynamic.

My other half is also much larger and stronger than me. I will never win physically against him (well, maybe if he was quite ill) and the sheer inevitably of fighting against him with everything I’ve got while knowing it can only end in humiliating defeat is ridiculously intoxicating. The adrenaline rush too, and emotional fight space just sends my head into orbit.

I wouldn’t go anywhere near this sort of thing while feeling true fear though. That will hijack any positive effects of the adrenaline and without immediate attention to calm the nervous system trauma could occur.

So yeah, this is fun but best done with someone you trust very intimately to look after you both mentally and physically throughout. Also be prepared for occasional accidents ie. elbow to the face etc.

 

[TastySuckToy]

In my experience and from my perspective, it seems rather obvious that most women love having a man who is taller, stronger, more dominant, etc. Absolutely nothing wrong with that in my opinion, and not at all surprising that can play out often in a trusting and loving relationship.

 

[MysteriousRyu]

This is something I very much love - there was once a thread sometime back that deemed it ‘battle sex’ which I thought was a fair way to describe the dynamic.

My other half is also much larger and stronger than me. I will never win physically against him (well, maybe if he was quite ill) and the sheer inevitably of fighting against him with everything I’ve got while knowing it can only end in humiliating defeat is ridiculously intoxicating. The adrenaline rush too, and emotional fight space just sends my head into orbit.

I wouldn’t go anywhere near this sort of thing while feeling true fear though. That will hijack any positive effects of the adrenaline and without immediate attention to calm the nervous system trauma could occur.

So yeah, this is fun but best done with someone you trust very intimately to look after you both mentally and physically throughout. Also be prepared for occasional accidents ie. elbow to the face etc.

I believe you're referring to "sexfights" when you mention 'battle sex' which is slightly different in that while it's intrinsically d/s in nature it's more or less competitive in spirit.

 

[lovehim2011]

I believe you're referring to "sexfights" when you mention 'battle sex' which is slightly different in that while it's intrinsically d/s in nature it's more or less competitive in spirit.

Do you know of any resources that are out there to help me figure out the difference in what you are referring to?

 

[KimGordon67]

Do you know of any resources that are out there to help me figure out the difference in what you are referring to?

I'd like to know too ... I find it really sort of intriguing, because there's something about 'playing' with the notion of unconsensual sex that doesn't sit well with me (similar to rape fantasies), but at the same time I find it hot as hell when it happens.

 

[MysteriousRyu]

Here's the most succinct resource I could find. Hopefully this helps a bit :

https://www.wikiporno.org/wiki/Sexfight?asgtbndr=1

 

[Conager]

Hard pass.

Introducing chaotic, potential violence in a kinetic way sounds to me like a good plan for actual injuries and does not sound to me to be safe and sane, even if consensual.

If there is some scripting, some roleplaying, and some choreography going on and you're into it, no problem. Let's just see what happens when even a small framed man and a fit woman actually throw down is a bad idea, fantasies notwithstanding.

Grappling on known terrain might be ok, striking is dangerous, including being struck while one is trying not to harm the other person. Energy does what energy does; energy does not care about intent.

Stuntmen play fight for fun and profit, are well practiced, and sustain injuries. Be careful.

Your mileage may vary if your definition of fighting varies considerably from mine.

Given my avatar, I figured it apt to "Wade" in.

 

[lovehim2011]

Here's the most succinct resource I could find. Hopefully this helps a bit :

https://www.wikiporno.org/wiki/Sexfight?asgtbndr=1

Thank you for this. It doesn’t quite seem to be the same, but I guess I’d have to see it. It’s more like intense grappling and then forced (consensual) fucking.

 

[KimGordon67]

Thank you for this. It doesn’t quite seem to be the same, but I guess I’d have to see it. It’s more like intense grappling and then forced (consensual) fucking.

No, I don't think this link is quite what you're meaning either.

 

[Ropebunny]

Here's the most succinct resource I could find. Hopefully this helps a bit :

https://www.wikiporno.org/wiki/Sexfight?asgtbndr=1

This appears to be describing primarily same-sex erotic fighting in a pornographic context. I must say I am somewhat intrigued by this now too but I don’t think it adequately describes two rl people in a loving D/s relationship that enjoy the excitement, humiliation and pain of physical struggle as foreplay...

 

[Ropebunny]

Hard pass.

Introducing chaotic, potential violence in a kinetic way sounds to me like a good plan for actual injuries and does not sound to me to be safe and sane, even if consensual.

If there is some scripting, some roleplaying, and some choreography going on and you're into it, no problem. Let's just see what happens when even a small framed man and a fit woman actually throw down is a bad idea, fantasies notwithstanding.

Grappling on known terrain might be ok, striking is dangerous, including being struck while one is trying not to harm the other person. Energy does what energy does; energy does not care about intent.

Stuntmen play fight for fun and profit, are well practiced, and sustain injuries. Be careful.

Your mileage may vary if your definition of fighting varies considerably from mine.

Given my avatar, I figured it apt to "Wade" in.

These are some good points. This is the kind of thing that really does need a lot of thought put into it, and from both sides even if there is power exchange.

For the last few years we’ve confined this kind of play to the bed to limit the inevitable fall damage that happens when taking another person down. It also helps to limit the scope of the play field so to speak - it’s really, really easy to break shit when you’re running around trying to jump each other around the house. A ring really would be quite perfect for it but we don’t have the money or the space to entertain the idea of that, nor an adequate explanation for the kids since neither of us fight recreationally.

Like you mentioned, striking is fraught with danger. I tend to kick instead, as I know from previous experience that my arm control is not great and I take too many risks when the adrenaline surges (I have caused more injury to his eyes and nose than I am proud of). The other half mostly grabs and manhandles but does on occasion lightly punch in soft, spongy but safe areas like my boobs, butt and thighs - nowhere near bones or organs. A lot of this is more reminiscent of wrestling than a fistfight - lots of pinning, contorting and manipulating limbs into uncomfortable, painful and risky positions with the real winner being the party that physically exhausts last (which, using this criteria actually has been me on the odd occasion!)

It’s not for everyone - shit, probably not for barely anyone other than those that might just be a bit fucked up... but as long as no one is sustaining any severe or long lasting physical or psychological damage then live and let live yeah?

 

[KimGordon67]

These are some good points. This is the kind of thing that really does need a lot of thought put into it, and from both sides even if there is power exchange.

For the last few years we’ve confined this kind of play to the bed to limit the inevitable fall damage that happens when taking another person down. It also helps to limit the scope of the play field so to speak - it’s really, really easy to break shit when you’re running around trying to jump each other around the house. A ring really would be quite perfect for it but we don’t have the money or the space to entertain the idea of that, nor an adequate explanation for the kids since neither of us fight recreationally.

Like you mentioned, striking is fraught with danger. I tend to kick instead, as I know from previous experience that my arm control is not great and I take too many risks when the adrenaline surges (I have caused more injury to his eyes and nose than I am proud of). The other half mostly grabs and manhandles but does on occasion lightly punch in soft, spongy but safe areas like my boobs, butt and thighs - nowhere near bones or organs. A lot of this is more reminiscent of wrestling than a fistfight - lots of pinning, contorting and manipulating limbs into uncomfortable, painful and risky positions with the real winner being the party that physically exhausts last (which, using this criteria actually has been me on the odd occasion!)

It’s not for everyone - shit, probably not for barely anyone other than those that might just be a bit fucked up... but as long as no one is sustaining any severe or long lasting physical or psychological damage then live and let live yeah?

All of this ... I think everyone knows that if you engage in this sort of physical activity, you need to be careful. It's not exactly rocket surgery to work that out. I don't think my exBF ever punched me in this kind of play but there were certainly more than a couple of open handed slaps. (I did accidentally whack him the ear once - I was pretty careful to never do that again, as results were not favourable. Although I did learn that whacking someone in the ear is a pretty good means of really fucking hurting them, if that's ever my intention.)

 

[SophieUK]

“ (Although I did learn that whacking someone in the ear is a pretty good means of really fucking hurting them, if that's ever my intention.)”