New Story Feedback

[MohanSingh]

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-love-story-16

Can I get some feedback on this story. I know the grammar issue.

Would it be worth writing a part 2?

 

[LWulf]

You still start your paragraphs with a noun or pronoun almost 100% of the time.

It's hard to answer your question. I didn't see any loose ends that still need to be addressed in a part two. The story ended without leaving me with any unanswered questions. The story is pretty much a standalone story. Yes, you could always discuss or bring in new topics, or variables, but any story could do that. So, I guess the question is: Do you feel there is more story about these characters to tell? If so, then you've answered your question, yourself.

 

[MohanSingh]

Thanks for the feedback ans taking the time to read. I think the first person writing stlye contributes to the use of pronouns and nouns.

I was thinking of doing a follow up and exploring the next challenges the relationship would face. Just not interested in building a new story anymore.

 

[LWulf]

...I think the first person writing style contributes to the use of pronouns and nouns.
...

While this is true (of any perspective), starting (nearly) every sentence with a noun of pronoun is not.
"I went to the restaurant at noon."
"She turned around to look at me."
"I looked into her eyes and soundly kissed her."
opposed to:
"At noon, I went to the restaurant."
"Turning around, she looked at me."
"Looking into her eyes, I soundly kissed her."

Try starting a sentence or paragraph with an observation.
"A slight breeze caused a small dust devil at my feet."

Anything is better than an entire story comprised of sentence structures:
I did this.
I did that.
I...
I...
I...
I...
I...
She...
I...
I...
I...
We...

 

[MohanSingh]

I thought you had a point until I saw the sentence you would actually want to see in a story. Please feel free to give me 1 star if you ever see me write such a terrible line.

 

[SimonDoom]

While this is true (of any perspective), starting (nearly) every sentence with a noun of pronoun is not.
"I went to the restaurant at noon."
"She turned around to look at me."
"I looked into her eyes and soundly kissed her."
opposed to:
"At noon, I went to the restaurant."
"Turning around, she looked at me."
"Looking into her eyes, I soundly kissed her."

Try starting a sentence or paragraph with an observation.
"A slight breeze caused a small dust devil at my feet."

Anything is better than an entire story comprised of sentence structures:
I did this.
I did that.
I...
I...
I...
I...
I...
She...
I...
I...
I...
We...

But the story doesn't read this way. This isn't an accurate description of it. The first eleven sentences of the story begin I, I, It, There, I, As, My body, The night, Saving, Tonight, and The heartbreaking. Only three sentences begin with "I" out of eleven. That's not bad for a story that is told in first person POV.

I agree the sentence structure could stand to be shaken up a bit, but the problem isn't that every sentence starts with "I."

Something I noticed is that there's a flaw in the way the author introduces dialogue. An example:

He seemed concerned, "I don't want you to feel unsafe working here. It is nothing special. Just something to get you home and to work."

"He seemed concerned" is a bit of narrative, not a dialogue tag. Therefore, it must end with a period, not a comma. You do this over and over. You need to fix this. Mix up your structure. More of your snippets of dialogue should begin with the dialogue rather than an introduction.

For example:

Get rid of "He seemed concerned". The dialogue makes his concern obvious. Instead, write:


"I don't want you to feel unsafe work here," he said. "It is nothing special. Just something to get you home and to work."

Although the dialogue begins with "I," it doesn't begin with a narrative pronoun. That partly takes care of the issue LWulf refers to.

Mix up the structure and it will read better. Be very careful about handling dialogue.

I thought the story was a bit short for a romance. It takes a while fully to acquaint the reader with the characters. I felt like I could have known more about Imran, in particular. His character is just a bit opaque, although he wants to be protective about the narrative.

You shouldn't hesitate to write more about the characters if you want to, although you've already taken the romance pretty far.

 

[MohanSingh]

But the story doesn't read this way. This isn't an accurate description of it. The first eleven sentences of the story begin I, I, It, There, I, As, My body, The night, Saving, Tonight, and The heartbreaking. Only three sentences begin with "I" out of eleven. That's not bad for a story that is told in first person POV.

I agree the sentence structure could stand to be shaken up a bit, but the problem isn't that every sentence starts with "I."

Something I noticed is that there's a flaw in the way the author introduces dialogue. An example:

He seemed concerned, "I don't want you to feel unsafe working here. It is nothing special. Just something to get you home and to work."

"He seemed concerned" is a bit of narrative, not a dialogue tag. Therefore, it must end with a period, not a comma. You do this over and over. You need to fix this. Mix up your structure. More of your snippets of dialogue should begin with the dialogue rather than an introduction.

For example:

Get rid of "He seemed concerned". The dialogue makes his concern obvious. Instead, write:


"I don't want you to feel unsafe work here," he said. "It is nothing special. Just something to get you home and to work."

Although the dialogue begins with "I," it doesn't begin with a narrative pronoun. That partly takes care of the issue LWulf refers to.

Mix up the structure and it will read better. Be very careful about handling dialogue.

I thought the story was a bit short for a romance. It takes a while fully to acquaint the reader with the characters. I felt like I could have known more about Imran, in particular. His character is just a bit opaque, although he wants to be protective about the narrative.

You shouldn't hesitate to write more about the characters if you want to, although you've already taken the romance pretty far.

I am bookmarking this. This is really good feedback.

 

[LWulf]

I thought you had a point until I saw the sentence you would actually want to see in a story. Please feel free to give me 1 star if you ever see me write such a terrible line.

I wasn't telling you what sentences to write in your story. I was giving general examples of how to write. I don't 1 star someone because they don't listen to one of my critiques. Maybe petty revenge is how you normally act, but that's not how I rate stories.

But the story doesn't read this way. This isn't an accurate description of it. The first eleven sentences of the story begin I, I, It, There, I, As, My body, The night, Saving, Tonight, and The heartbreaking. Only three sentences begin with "I" out of eleven. That's not bad for a story that is told in first person POV.
...

Thank you for diligently looking into the validity of my comment. My original comment was "You still start your paragraphs..." Forgive my generalizing by not saying FIRST sentences, and using general examples in an attempt to avoid reading it a second time. Thank you for making me go back and reevaluating my previous comments by reading through his story once again.
First sentences:
(52 times) I (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(6 times) It (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(6 times) The was used to start a paragraph.
(3 times) As was used to start a paragraph.
(35 times) He (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(3 times) Imran (noun) was used to start a paragraph.
(6 times) Shanti (noun) was used to start a paragraph.
(23 times) She (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) Who (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) What (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) What was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) All was used to start a paragraph.
(2 times) Our (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(8 times) We (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) After was used to start a paragraph.
(6 times) My (pos. pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) Would was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) His (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) Why was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) For was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) Her (pronoun) was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) But was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) How was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) Then was used to start a paragraph.
(1 time) That was used to start a paragraph.

Out of 166 FIRST sentences, 148 started with a noun, pronoun, or possessive pronoun. That's that's 89% of the time, he starts a paragraph with a noun, pronoun, or possessive pronoun.

However, maybe I was wrong in generalizing before. I didn't just read THE FIRST 11 SENTENCES. Let's count sentences starting with a noun, pronoun or possessive pronoun. I could 452 sentences that started with a noun, or pronoun, and only 92 sentences that started with something else. That's 83% of the time, he starts a sentence with a noun, or pronoun.
Sentences starting within a Tag, were not included.

For reference, I was used 431 times, it was used 80 times, he was used 145 times, Imran was used 50 times, Shanti was used 49 times, he was used 75 times, she was used 61 times, our was used 25 times, we was used 61 times, his was used 78 times, her was used 47 times, and my was used 142 times.
This was a 6,838 word story, with the above noun, pronoun and possessive pronoun being used 1,244 times, meaning every 5-6 words, a noun or pronoun is being used.

Could you please look over my previous comment and then define "not bad"?
edit: second thought, don't bother. You're trying to make friends by placating him, and I'm trying to help him notice how to be a better writer.

 

[LWulf]

SimonDoom,
My apologies. Some of that was uncalled for. I saw that you had read more than a couple lines, and I had already seen that you were trying to help him too. I still think you're seeking to placate him, as you must be blind not to have noticed the superfluous usage. That drove me to rage, where I had deleted most of everything else I had written prior to posting my reply. Contesting what I had posted, despite the generalisms, which should have been obvious. To me, you were either placating him, or purposefully seeking to piss me off.

'nuff said before I go off the edge again.