All subs...... read this!!!

[slv4me]

As someone that has been in this lifestyle for almost 30 years, I am WELL aware of what I am and who I am. After my wife/sub passed away and I was ready to move on, I placed ads on lifestyle web sites and I was bombarded with fakes and scam artists. The few people that were real that I had contact me had the balls to accuse me of being a "fake" Dom. Their opinion was based on the fact that I am not a sadist, and I did not verbally abuse them or order them around. I wasn't that surprised since this IS the internet and there are more trolls than real people. I always enjoyed reading stories on Lit, so I decided to post an ad on here. I received many responses, but found that I was getting the same thing on here. Oddly enough, I did end up meeting someone on here that claims to be a sub and it wasn't through my ad. She did see my ad, but it wasn't until after she looked at my profile and started reading the few posts I have made. As we got to know each other, I liked the person I was speaking with quite a lot. She was in my age group, and the pictures she sent me are that of a VERY attractive woman. I knew the sexual attraction was there and wanted to see if her inside was just as beautiful. I believe it is, but there was one problem. She kept telling me I didn't "act" like a Dom. The first time we spoke on the phone, she said I didn't "sound" like a Dom. Finally, tonight she flat out accused me of not BEING a Dom. Disappointed could not begin to describe what I felt when she said that. I know what/who I am and there is no one that can take that away from me. I know she is a real person and not a scam artist, and I do believe that she wants to be a sub even though she lacks experience. It did make me wonder, what exactly does a sub look for in a Dom? So, I did some searching online at some of the lifestyle sites to see what qualities other people look for in a Dom that is considered a "good" Dom. Fortunately, I found this article:

https://www.lelo.com/blog/what-qualities-make-a-good-dom/

It is most definitely not the only article that says the same things, but it was probably one of the most articulate. What happens with the woman I have been speaking with remains to be seen, but I have serious doubts that it will go any further. Apparently, I don't fit what she believes a Dom should be. If that is the case, I will continue my search. If you are a sub that is a real person, not a scam artist (I will know right away), and seeking a Dom that fits that description let me know. We can take it from there.

 

[supercollider00]

I don't really see what the point of this post is with all due respect. Complaining about it like this shows a deep insecurity about it to be honest. Do so by action I guess. If it's about finding new subs then the personals would be more appropriate.

I mean, I'm sure it's the exclamation marks that will make us subs feel you're a great Dom. (/sass)

Additionally, putting your anecdotal and personal experience as something that defines all of us subs is rather rude to put it mildly.

 

[slv4me]

I enjoyed your post. Is English your first language?

 

[slv4me]

I don't really see what the point of this post is with all due respect. Complaining about it like this shows a deep insecurity about it to be honest. Do so by action I guess. If it's about finding new subs then the personals would be more appropriate.

I mean, I'm sure it's the exclamation marks that will make us subs feel you're a great Dom. (/sass)

Additionally, putting your anecdotal and personal experience as something that defines all of us subs is rather rude to put it mildly.

I'm not sure I understand what two exclamation points has to do with anything. Stating that it defines ALL subs is an assumption I don't think you can make based on what I said. If you read what was written, it's about subs on this site (and lifestyle sites) that answer ads with a poor understanding of what a TRUE Dom is.
If any TRUE sub is offended by this or thinks it was directed to them, I stand corrected and apologize if it offended you.

 

[slv4me]

I missed the double exclamations. I got about 3 sentences in and skimmed the rest.
Typical rant, not interested.

So, by your own admission you failed to read the rest and understand what is being said. Another typical internet troll that thinks they know what they are talking about.

 

[supercollider00]

I think it's easy to see where the problem lies at this point. Actions speak louder than words. But hey, good luck to you.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

As someone that has been in this lifestyle for almost 30 years, I am WELL aware of what I am and who I am. After my wife/sub passed away and I was ready to move on, I placed ads on lifestyle web sites and I was bombarded with fakes and scam artists. The few people that were real that I had contact me had the balls to accuse me of being a "fake" Dom. Their opinion was based on the fact that I am not a sadist, and I did not verbally abuse them or order them around. I wasn't that surprised since this IS the internet and there are more trolls than real people. I always enjoyed reading stories on Lit, so I decided to post an ad on here. I received many responses, but found that I was getting the same thing on here. Oddly enough, I did end up meeting someone on here that claims to be a sub and it wasn't through my ad. She did see my ad, but it wasn't until after she looked at my profile and started reading the few posts I have made. As we got to know each other, I liked the person I was speaking with quite a lot. She was in my age group, and the pictures she sent me are that of a VERY attractive woman. I knew the sexual attraction was there and wanted to see if her inside was just as beautiful. I believe it is, but there was one problem. She kept telling me I didn't "act" like a Dom. The first time we spoke on the phone, she said I didn't "sound" like a Dom. Finally, tonight she flat out accused me of not BEING a Dom. Disappointed could not begin to describe what I felt when she said that. I know what/who I am and there is no one that can take that away from me. I know she is a real person and not a scam artist, and I do believe that she wants to be a sub even though she lacks experience. It did make me wonder, what exactly does a sub look for in a Dom? So, I did some searching online at some of the lifestyle sites to see what qualities other people look for in a Dom that is considered a "good" Dom. Fortunately, I found this article:

https://www.lelo.com/blog/what-qualities-make-a-good-dom/

It is most definitely not the only article that says the same things, but it was probably one of the most articulate. What happens with the woman I have been speaking with remains to be seen, but I have serious doubts that it will go any further. Apparently, I don't fit what she believes a Dom should be. If that is the case, I will continue my search. If you are a sub that is a real person, not a scam artist (I will know right away), and seeking a Dom that fits that description let me know. We can take it from there.

Is this intended to be a personal ad?

Also, as someone who’s been in the lifestyle for 30 years, you know there are many MANY flavors of doms and subs, right?

 

[SimonDoom]

If I were you I wouldn't worry about it or take it personally that this woman didn't think of you as a Dom. As ToPleaseHim wrote, there are many different types of Doms and subs, and you need to be comfortable with whatever type you are and find subs who appreciate you too. Not everyone will.

For instance, I've enjoyed playing the Dom at times, and on the BDSM scale I'm a Dom, rather than a switch or a sub, which doesn't interest me at all. But I'm not a real, hardcore Dom. I don't seek a 24/7 D/s relationship. So I wouldn't fit right with a sub that was looking for that. And that's fine. I don't feel any sense of inadequacy about that, and you shouldn't either if it turns out you're not quite the right sort of Dom that a particular person is looking for.

Keep up your search and good luck.

 

[Filipina_sub54]

I am a sub in a Dom/sub relationship. my Master is strong and controlling with a nasty streak. He shares me with other Doms who are not at all like him so I can experience the variety of lifes great blessings, Doms.

I actually understand why you said what you did, BUT when a sub accuses you of not being a Dom all the sub is saying is your not HER/HIS type of Dom. I urge you not to take it personally. I have also found a sub who is new to this life seem to think being beaten and raped is part of being a sub. It goes much deeper then that, its the journey to that level of control that the glance of your master can make you cum with expectation of his wishes and desires being thrust upon your body and mind. Your Master may wish you to model sexy lingerie for him or have 14 men rape you in a movie theater, It doesnt matter as long as he is pleased with your willingness to follow his lead.

 

[cookiecat]

I am a sub in a Dom/sub relationship. my Master is strong and controlling with a nasty streak. He shares me with other Doms who are not at all like him so I can experience the variety of lifes great blessings, Doms.

I actually understand why you said what you did, BUT when a sub accuses you of not being a Dom all the sub is saying is your not HER/HIS type of Dom. I urge you not to take it personally. I have also found a sub who is new to this life seem to think being beaten and raped is part of being a sub. It goes much deeper then that, its the journey to that level of control that the glance of your master can make you cum with expectation of his wishes and desires being thrust upon your body and mind. Your Master may wish you to model sexy lingerie for him or have 14 men rape you in a movie theater, It doesnt matter as long as he is pleased with your willingness to follow his lead.

wait, what?

When it comes to having 14 men rape you in a movie theater (which seems kind of fantasy land), it really isn't about his level of pleasure at your willingness. It's about YOUR limits. If you consented to this. I'm hoping you're using this as an example of extremes.

 

[cookiecat]

As someone that has been in this lifestyle for almost 30 years, I am WELL aware of what I am and who I am. After my wife/sub passed away and I was ready to move on, I placed ads on lifestyle web sites and I was bombarded with fakes and scam artists. The few people that were real that I had contact me had the balls to accuse me of being a "fake" Dom. Their opinion was based on the fact that I am not a sadist, and I did not verbally abuse them or order them around. I wasn't that surprised since this IS the internet and there are more trolls than real people. I always enjoyed reading stories on Lit, so I decided to post an ad on here. I received many responses, but found that I was getting the same thing on here. Oddly enough, I did end up meeting someone on here that claims to be a sub and it wasn't through my ad. She did see my ad, but it wasn't until after she looked at my profile and started reading the few posts I have made. As we got to know each other, I liked the person I was speaking with quite a lot. She was in my age group, and the pictures she sent me are that of a VERY attractive woman. I knew the sexual attraction was there and wanted to see if her inside was just as beautiful. I believe it is, but there was one problem. She kept telling me I didn't "act" like a Dom. The first time we spoke on the phone, she said I didn't "sound" like a Dom. Finally, tonight she flat out accused me of not BEING a Dom. Disappointed could not begin to describe what I felt when she said that. I know what/who I am and there is no one that can take that away from me. I know she is a real person and not a scam artist, and I do believe that she wants to be a sub even though she lacks experience. It did make me wonder, what exactly does a sub look for in a Dom? So, I did some searching online at some of the lifestyle sites to see what qualities other people look for in a Dom that is considered a "good" Dom. Fortunately, I found this article:

https://www.lelo.com/blog/what-qualities-make-a-good-dom/

It is most definitely not the only article that says the same things, but it was probably one of the most articulate. What happens with the woman I have been speaking with remains to be seen, but I have serious doubts that it will go any further. Apparently, I don't fit what she believes a Dom should be. If that is the case, I will continue my search. If you are a sub that is a real person, not a scam artist (I will know right away), and seeking a Dom that fits that description let me know. We can take it from there.

First, condolences on your wife passing. I'm in a similar boat - my husband/Dominant died about 2.5 years ago. I'm just feeling ready now to take a dive in to the dating / bdsm pool.

I met my husband online and thought I was cynical and clear-eyed enough to try online again. The online landscape has changed quite a bit!

In my case, it's not so much about scammers but men my age (58) and older discovering the internet and how to send pictures of their cocks. It's bananas. Cock pictures galore.

Second, about the article. It's a good reminder, but really, I'd want the qualities listed in a vanilla relationship too. In any relationship. This seems obvious to me. However, after reading Filipina_sub's post , maybe it's not obvious?

How does a submissive think being beaten and raped equals submission? That article would be good in a bdsm 101 course.

Third, it's really hard to say what a sub wants in a dom. Everything in that article, right? Someone kind, understanding, self aware, trustworthy, yada yada.

The only info I can give you is looking back at my newbie days, I couldn't voice what I wanted. I just wanted someone to do something to me. Perhaps I was more like what Filipina describes than I want to admit. I DID equate "domliness" with caveman like qualities. Take what you want. Grab me by the hair, throw me over your lap. I can't say I wanted to be raped, but I wanted to be taken. That's a pretty fine line.

If your Lit "sub" was new, maybe she was suffering from this stereotype of what a Dom should be. Could she describe to you what a Dom should be and what you seemed to be missing?

Fourth, your post does seem like another personal ad wrapped up in a discussion.

And last, this seems super obvious but isn't this just one of the perils of online? D/s needs nuance and connection. Hands on, seeing each other's reactions. Online often times leads to disappointment because the image of what we want, the dream of what and who we desire doesn't match the reality.

 

[riverj]

First, condolences on your wife passing. I'm in a similar boat - my husband/Dominant died about 2.5 years ago. I'm just feeling ready now to take a dive in to the dating / bdsm pool.

I met my husband online and thought I was cynical and clear-eyed enough to try online again. The online landscape has changed quite a bit!

In my case, it's not so much about scammers but men my age (58) and older discovering the internet and how to send pictures of their cocks. It's bananas. Cock pictures galore.

Second, about the article. It's a good reminder, but really, I'd want the qualities listed in a vanilla relationship too. In any relationship. This seems obvious to me. However, after reading Filipina_sub's post , maybe it's not obvious?

How does a submissive think being beaten and raped equals submission? That article would be good in a bdsm 101 course.

Third, it's really hard to say what a sub wants in a dom. Everything in that article, right? Someone kind, understanding, self aware, trustworthy, yada yada.

The only info I can give you is looking back at my newbie days, I couldn't voice what I wanted. I just wanted someone to do something to me. Perhaps I was more like what Filipina describes than I want to admit. I DID equate "domliness" with caveman like qualities. Take what you want. Grab me by the hair, throw me over your lap. I can't say I wanted to be raped, but I wanted to be taken. That's a pretty fine line.

If your Lit "sub" was new, maybe she was suffering from this stereotype of what a Dom should be. Could she describe to you what a Dom should be and what you seemed to be missing?

Fourth, your post does seem like another personal ad wrapped up in a discussion.

And last, this seems super obvious but isn't this just one of the perils of online? D/s needs nuance and connection. Hands on, seeing each other's reactions. Online often times leads to disappointment because the image of what we want, the dream of what and who we desire doesn't match the reality.

Excellent post Cookie..... the below is not only needed but required.....


D/s needs nuance and connection. Hands on, seeing each other's reactions.

 

[AnnieLit]

Coockie, you are too nice :kiss.

This rant... I don't think there are many women on Lit that will come anywhere near him after this. Not because somebody else refused him, but because of how he reacted to it.

 

[Acktion]

While I didn't write this OP, I certainly could have. Hence the reason I flat quit. Gave up on not only on-line supposed "submissive people pleasers" with their hidden checklists that couldn't allow me to be a human being with actual emotions and feelings, but this on-line only business altogether where their supposed submission was just a radio or television they could tune for whatever they were in the mood for on a given night, given at their convenience, and watching them bail when the reality of the situations didn't match up with the fantasies they had built in their head only to be back in a matter of hours snuggling up to someone else.

Oh, I could have dealt with their perfidy. It was the hypocrisy they evinced when they could come on-line and vent and rant to their little heart's content and everyone, "Dom" and "sub" alike, band together around them for support. But, when a Dom tries to do the same fucking thing in order to put themselves back together and move on from a very human pain, for daring to care about the submissive, for daring to actually love, they are castigated. For being caught out in surprise and shock and allowing their control to slip for just a second when they are cast aside like an empty candy wrapper. For daring to be so un-Domly as to be hurt by lies and betrayal and that horseshit "you are not a Dom" when they would be blasted for saying in return "you are not a sub." Would be? ARE!

OP, you are what you are. No one can take that away from you unless you let them. Not the ones who have lied to you, deceived you, and played you. Not the ones who castigate you for being human. You do you and do it with all your might. And anyone who doesn't appreciate it can get the fuck out and find some other little horny mental midget content with stroking themselves off occasionally when they want to let them. Willing to accept the bare minimum they choose to give and not so much as hint at wanting anything more.

The only valid point that was raised is that we are not to put out ads in the talk and cafe, but save them for the personals forum. So, just delete the very last sentence where you offered to take on any real commers and leave it right the fuck where it is.

And best of luck finding someone worthy of your attentions. I've been down that goat track and got the scars on my heart from those that couldn't measure up but were damn quick to say it was me, managed to wend my way through the chaff to find a single grain of unspoiled wheat that made all the little shame games worth it. I have faith that if you remain true to you that you will find one worthy too.

 

[cookiecat]

^^^ Aktion - what you said.

Dominant folks have feelings. Should be able to voice an opinion. Not every D type simmers in his or her domliness. A rant should be ok every once in a while. Right?

I get that the "All subs... read this" is off-putting. The broad sweeping generalizations tend to put people on defense. And the personal "contact me" borders on icky.

But still. I guess I thought there wasn't really anything wrong with asking the question, even if it was heavy handed.

Am I missing something on this? Is my skeevy perv meter off?

 

[Misshotndeep]

While I didn't write this OP, I certainly could have. Hence the reason I flat quit. Gave up on not only on-line supposed "submissive people pleasers" with their hidden checklists that couldn't allow me to be a human being with actual emotions and feelings, but this on-line only business altogether where their supposed submission was just a radio or television they could tune for whatever they were in the...

I think a large part of the problem is that a lot of people who identify as subs are not submissive in the slightest. They are just needy control freaks. I hope the responses here will clear up who some of those ”subs” are so that they can be avoided. You can't teach the truly lost after all.
Beat wishes to all the true Subs and Doms of Lit. I hope you find someone to create a beautiful dance with.

 

[AnnieLit]

While I didn't write this OP, I certainly could have.

I usually agree with what you have to say, but this...

No, YOU could not have written this.
Not because you are a superhuman Dom, no, everybody can get hurt, but because YOU know that there are a lot of different styles of doms and just because some lady did not see her dom in you, does not mean that you are not a perfect dom for somebody else.

This rant is not about carrying and being decent human beings, it's about "how did she dare think that I am not a Dom?! Me?! With all my years of experience?!" Yes, she dared to think that. Why? Who knows, but I am sure she had her own reasons. She never was his sub. How I see it: they met somewhere on Lit, started talking, as they progressed, he liked her more and more, she liked him less and less. At some point she had enough and wanted to stop, he would not let her go. The next question that usually comes up in situations like this is "why?" As in "but everything was going so well, why do you not want to continue.?" And that is a problem: she does not want to because she does not. She should not have to explain herself. After all, she never said "I do", did she? He pressed, she got pissed off, and told him why in a way that would end it once and for all.

And no, it is not one-sided. I have been in a few situations where we started talking, I thought everything was going well, and then after a particular turn in a conversation, or a picture that I sent, or couple times even after a face-to-face meeting I got a "thank you, but no." Did it hurt? You bet! Did I blame these doms for this? No! I actually thanked each and every one of them for being honest. At least those that I've met in person could have easily taken it one step further and at least have one day of fun, then it would have hurt much more. But they did not, they knew that for whatever reason it was not going to work and walked away. It was the right thing to do. And so was what this woman did.

 

[SissySalina]

This is a sissy's opinion, you may agree or not.
First, this is not the personals.
Second, people are people and individuals with different opinions and feelings.
Third, if you find that perfect match(as you see it) you are one lucky person.
Forth and last, the world is large and there should be someone out there that fits what you feel is perfect, you just have to keep looking but, do not demeanor someone else for trying to be who they are. If it does not fit you then move on.

 

[Ropebunny]

I’m confused. Seems you’re confused because you don’t understand how it is you don’t met the needs of these subs you’re talking to. But instead of asking them why, you’re coming to us? My opinion - go ask for some feedback from your target market, coz that ain’t here. Unless of course, you have asked them and you either can’t accept the answers, or they won’t answer honestly because you intimidate them. Have a reflect on yourself and how you approach people, get some more feedback and if you’re still struggling THEN come back and ask us for pointers.

Also, the thread title was an asshat move and I think you know that...

 

[Ropebunny]

I think a large part of the problem is that a lot of people who identify as subs are not submissive in the slightest. They are just needy control freaks. I hope the responses here will clear up who some of those ”subs” are so that they can be avoided. You can't teach the truly lost after all.
Beat wishes to all the true Subs and Doms of Lit. I hope you find someone to create a beautiful dance with.

Hey, I’m submissive and also a needy control freak (plus a bitch too!) Speak for yourself and not the rest of us.

I thought all that ‘true dom/sub’ crap died out around 2012 - is that shit still going round?

 

[supercollider00]

Hey, I’m submissive and also a needy control freak (plus a bitch too!) Speak for yourself and not the rest of us.

I thought all that ‘true dom/sub’ crap died out around 2012 - is that shit still going round?

It clearly is for some reason. D/s, as it was already mentioned, comes in all shapes, sizes and colours. It should be what fits you and your partner(s) as long as all parties have given consent and know the risks involved. And also, a lot of subs, myself included, are in complete control of our day to day life and being submissive in a D/s context gives us exactly the balance we need and crave. That said, it all just really shows that the biggest part of D/s isn't the physical aspect but really the psychological one.

 

[Bramblethorn]

The few people that were real that I had contact me had the balls to accuse me of being a "fake" Dom. Their opinion was based on the fact that I am not a sadist, and I did not verbally abuse them or order them around.

Yep, it is obnoxious when people start using the "fake dom" card just because somebody doesn't fit their preconceptions of exactly how a dom behaves...

Seriously????? No true Dom or sub would ever take this stupid test, much less post the results.

...but you really might want to apply some self-reflection here.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think a large part of the problem is that a lot of people who identify as subs are not submissive in the slightest. They are just needy control freaks. I hope the responses here will clear up who some of those ”subs” are so that they can be avoided. You can't teach the truly lost after all.
Beat wishes to all the true Subs and Doms of Lit. I hope you find someone to create a beautiful dance with.

Jesus Christ. There is no such thing as a “true dom” or “true sub.” There is a huge continuum of BDSM.

I’m absolutely submissive to my dominant partner, but not submissive in the slightest outside of the bedroom. I assure you that he and other men to whom I have submitted would laugh at any suggestion that a person can’t be submissive and a needy control freak. People are complex. There is not one right way to do this. There are no twue doms or twue subs. There are people. And as long as they are practicing SSC and find someone they’re compatible with, they are doing it right.

 

[AnnieLit]

Jesus Christ. There is no such thing as a “true dom” or “true sub.” There is a huge continuum of BDSM.

I’m absolutely submissive to my dominant partner, but not submissive in the slightest outside of the bedroom. I assure you that he and other men to whom I have submitted would laugh at any suggestion that a person can’t be submissive and a needy control freak. People are complex. There is not one right way to do this. There are no twue doms or twue subs. There are people. And as long as they are practicing SSC and find someone they’re compatible with, they are doing it right.

One more for the list of those to be avoided?

 

[edontario559]

I have a cousin, Dominique. We call her Dom. I'm pretty sure she's a real Dom, but you never know...