Sexless Marriages

[philos]

I came to a shocking realization yesterday. I realized that my wife would rather go to the dentist than have sex with me. She goes every four to six months. A bit more frequently than she lets me touch her. And it’s been years since she gave me an orgasm. I know relationships are much more than that but it still makes me feel really undesirable.

 

[10169kek]

I came to a shocking realization yesterday. I realized that my wife would rather go to the dentist than have sex with me. She goes every four to six months. A bit more frequently than she lets me touch her. And it’s been years since she gave me an orgasm. I know relationships are much more than that but it still makes me feel really undesirable.

I know your pain and frustration.Mine stopped several years ago with no discussion allowed because she "had no interest, no desire" and that I should "handle it". Good luck.

 

[philos]

So how did you handle it? No innuendo intended

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I came to a shocking realization yesterday. I realized that my wife would rather go to the dentist than have sex with me. She goes every four to six months. A bit more frequently than she lets me touch her. And it’s been years since she gave me an orgasm. I know relationships are much more than that but it still makes me feel really undesirable.

It does really play with your psyche and sense of self! but it doesn't have to if you recognize that the rejection from your wife is not about you, but her and further, that it is in fact a fairly common phenomenon in a lot of marriages. Be yourself, enjoy what you have. I know the lack of sex and intimacy sucks, but it isn't the sole thing that defines your or any of us.

 

[10169kek]

So how did you handle it? No innuendo intended

After the anger, pain, and loss of confidence you move ahead. I like what the post below says, it hit the mark.

 

[JustALass]

Helll, I rarely post for different reasons but I found this interesting as it brings up many memories.

I’m not married now but he wasn’t all that interested in sex, I would initiate, surprise him, be romantic, just ask for it, dress up etc and nothing from him. When he did respond it was the same thing and finished as soon as he achieved his orgasm. Eventually I stopped wanting it, got sick of being upset and hurt by him, sick of the self doubt and what was wrong with me..... I got more from self enjoyment than with him sadly.

I can relate to all of you on here and it sucks and hurts on many levels and eventually effects or can effect the whole of your relationship and marriage. I also admire you all for sticking in there even though you’re missing something important.

Thanks

 

[Polranny]

It does really play with your psyche and sense of self! but it doesn't have to if you recognize that the rejection from your wife is not about you, but her and further, that it is in fact a fairly common phenomenon in a lot of marriages. Be yourself, enjoy what you have. I know the lack of sex and intimacy sucks, but it isn't the sole thing that defines your or any of us.

That's why so many of us have taken to Lit.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Helll, I rarely post for different reasons but I found this interesting as it brings up many memories.

I’m not married now but he wasn’t all that interested in sex, I would initiate, surprise him, be romantic, just ask for it, dress up etc and nothing from him. When he did respond it was the same thing and finished as soon as he achieved his orgasm. Eventually I stopped wanting it, got sick of being upset and hurt by him, sick of the self doubt and what was wrong with me..... I got more from self enjoyment than with him sadly.

I can relate to all of you on here and it sucks and hurts on many levels and eventually effects or can effect the whole of your relationship and marriage. I also admire you all for sticking in there even though you’re missing something important.

Thanks

Thanks for sharing. I know the extent, reasons, and mode of rejection takes multiple forms and we are all here, in our sexless marriages, for different reasons and we find different paths to follow to cope, overcome, or just move on.

Hope you are now finding fulfillment, pleasure, and passion that we are crave, desire, and deserve...

 

[JustALass]

Thanks for sharing. I know the extent, reasons, and mode of rejection takes multiple forms and we are all here, in our sexless marriages, for different reasons and we find different paths to follow to cope, overcome, or just move on.

Hope you are now finding fulfillment, pleasure, and passion that we are crave, desire, and deserve...

Thanks Lost_Yonder...... Yes I’ve found all that at different times but not in a lasting way unfortunately. Still a wonderful thing to experience being accepted for you and having someone want, react and desire you.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Thanks Lost_Yonder...... Yes I’ve found all that at different times but not in a lasting way unfortunately. Still a wonderful thing to experience being accepted for you and having someone want, react and desire you.

That there is the basis of so many issues - just being accepted, and accepting the other, for who you/they are. Somehow marriage seems to have a built in dynamic that somehow corrupts that basic principle, gets us sidetracked onto lingering issues and stuck in behavior patterns that are tough to break free from.

Keep searching! That's the fun part

 

[JustALass]

That there is the basis of so many issues - just being accepted, and accepting the other, for who you/they are. Somehow marriage seems to have a built in dynamic that somehow corrupts that basic principle, gets us sidetracked onto lingering issues and stuck in behavior patterns that are tough to break free from.

Keep searching! That's the fun part

You’ve wise words that come from experience sadly and hopefully you will find what you need and deserve as well. It’s funny how we don’t like how our relationships are and want something different or better but not everyone does anything to change it...we just accept it and we really shouldn’t. I’m a person who accepts my life and not try to change it in most situations.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

You’ve wise words that come from experience sadly and hopefully you will find what you need and deserve as well. It’s funny how we don’t like how our relationships are and want something different or better but not everyone does anything to change it...we just accept it and we really shouldn’t. I’m a person who accepts my life and not try to change it in most situations.

That is actually an interesting issue - of why we accept our sad situations. Again, each of us have our own explanations - the kids, other aspects of our relationship are good, are in the process of making an exit plan, etc. As I have admitted before, I found my "needs" elsewhere while my marriage provided other needs that are also important, I found a balance that perhaps allowed me to stay in my marriage. Had I not had affairs perhaps I would have left long ago. Unlike many, the lack of intimacy and rejection is not the issue in our sex life, it has more to do with a history of bad sex and meanness that is hard to let go of. But we still have some intimacy, we laugh, and our lives together are in fact quite good; just thank god for women interested in married men!

 

[IsItBad]

sexless

as a marriage counselor....i can tell you it is super rare for any couple to be equally matched sexually.....in my experience, also, there is no real rhyme or reason as to whether the more sexual one is male or female.....traditional mythology would say its always the male....but that is not the case

the two most common reasons that people come to me in a sexless relationship are 1) one or the other has cheated and the other can not get past it and 2) one or the other has gotten to be pretty fat and is ashamed/embarrassed to get naked. Of course, there are many many other reasons and layers of life experience including every imaginable kind of abuse that play into it as well as attachment condition.

the reality is, IF your partner is willing - it is likely you can work it out and at least restore some semblance of a normal sex life. what usually happens though is the one who needs and wants the sex.....gets burned out and worn down from campaigning for it and after some time just gives up.....sometimes that is a year or two and sometimes a person might go 20 years before doing something about it.

lots of times people legitimately love each other very much but there just is no sexual attraction or desire on one part or another. alot of times, too, a person is not going to get a divorce and wreck their livelihood or lose half of everything they have and so they just suffer through it taking matters into their own hands or cheating.

i find this venue a way to somewhat assuage the desire and hunger for eroticism and sexuality in a fairly safe and anonymous manner - but typing in a computer really only goes so far. i also find that the older i get, it gets harder to kindle new potentially romantic/erotic relationships. not sure if thats a matter of patience or experience.

anyway, i am sure many can relate to your situation

 

[Mtnmike]

as a marriage counselor....i can tell you it is super rare for any couple to be equally matched sexually.....in my experience, also, there is no real rhyme or reason as to whether the more sexual one is male or female.....traditional mythology would say its always the male....but that is not the case

the two most common reasons that people come to me in a sexless relationship are 1) one or the other has cheated and the other can not get past it and 2) one or the other has gotten to be pretty fat and is ashamed/embarrassed to get naked. Of course, there are many many other reasons and layers of life experience including every imaginable kind of abuse that play into it as well as attachment condition.

the reality is, IF your partner is willing - it is likely you can work it out and at least restore some semblance of a normal sex life. what usually happens though is the one who needs and wants the sex.....gets burned out and worn down from campaigning for it and after some time just gives up.....sometimes that is a year or two and sometimes a person might go 20 years before doing something about it.

lots of times people legitimately love each other very much but there just is no sexual attraction or desire on one part or another. alot of times, too, a person is not going to get a divorce and wreck their livelihood or lose half of everything they have and so they just suffer through it taking matters into their own hands or cheating.

i find this venue a way to somewhat assuage the desire and hunger for eroticism and sexuality in a fairly safe and anonymous manner - but typing in a computer really only goes so far. i also find that the older i get, it gets harder to kindle new potentially romantic/erotic relationships. not sure if thats a matter of patience or experience.

anyway, i am sure many can relate to your situation

Bingo, you hit the nail on the head about everything that has happened in my marriage!!!
You're Good.

 

[hulmule]

My wife has been on Zoloft for 23 years... Been a battle for that long. Now in menopause and nothing. hot flashes, stay away from me is all I get. Don't understand why your partner would want to please you ? Mine doesn't like to hug ,kiss etc. Wish I could understand it all. She's in her own little world. Pm or will try and find this thread on a daily. What is this drug your talking about?? Wife wont take anything that is cancer related. LONG history in family. She's dry now and hurts, try to tell her to take care of herself but doesn't want to use a cream that is cancer causing. Coconut oil gave her a rash years ago so that's out. Sad... I love to kiss and miss that so much. Hate to get a divorce at this age. Sorry to run on guess I needed to vent this morning Sorry...

 

[AnnieLit]

as a marriage counselor....i can tell you it is super rare for any couple to be equally matched sexually.....

<just let me stop laughing>
Have you ever heard the term "selection bias"? This is exactly it -- it is super rare to see an equally sexually matched couple among those, that need a marriage counselling! All others don't come to see you.

You statement is like ..."there are very few people that are cancer-free" coming from an oncologist, or "most people like outdoors" from somebody working in a camping store.

 

[The3Ps]

Haven't my fellow Bros heard? They found a food that takes away 90% of a Woman's sex drive. IT'S CALLED WEDDING CAKE!!! Same situation here..Ugh.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

as a marriage counselor....i can tell you it is super rare for any couple to be equally matched sexually.....in my experience, also, there is no real rhyme or reason as to whether the more sexual one is male or female.....traditional mythology would say its always the male....but that is not the case

the two most common reasons that people come to me in a sexless relationship are 1) one or the other has cheated and the other can not get past it and 2) one or the other has gotten to be pretty fat and is ashamed/embarrassed to get naked. Of course, there are many many other reasons and layers of life experience including every imaginable kind of abuse that play into it as well as attachment condition.

the reality is, IF your partner is willing - it is likely you can work it out and at least restore some semblance of a normal sex life. what usually happens though is the one who needs and wants the sex.....gets burned out and worn down from campaigning for it and after some time just gives up.....sometimes that is a year or two and sometimes a person might go 20 years before doing something about it.

lots of times people legitimately love each other very much but there just is no sexual attraction or desire on one part or another. alot of times, too, a person is not going to get a divorce and wreck their livelihood or lose half of everything they have and so they just suffer through it taking matters into their own hands or cheating.

i find this venue a way to somewhat assuage the desire and hunger for eroticism and sexuality in a fairly safe and anonymous manner - but typing in a computer really only goes so far. i also find that the older i get, it gets harder to kindle new potentially romantic/erotic relationships. not sure if thats a matter of patience or experience.

anyway, i am sure many can relate to your situation

Thank you for so clearly articulating what most of us are trying to figure out for so many years!

 

[Lost_Yonder]

My wife has been on Zoloft for 23 years... Been a battle for that long. Now in menopause and nothing. hot flashes, stay away from me is all I get. Don't understand why your partner would want to please you ? Mine doesn't like to hug ,kiss etc. Wish I could understand it all. She's in her own little world. Pm or will try and find this thread on a daily. What is this drug your talking about?? Wife wont take anything that is cancer related. LONG history in family. She's dry now and hurts, try to tell her to take care of herself but doesn't want to use a cream that is cancer causing. Coconut oil gave her a rash years ago so that's out. Sad... I love to kiss and miss that so much. Hate to get a divorce at this age. Sorry to run on guess I needed to vent this morning Sorry...

Venting is allowed! we've all been there - hope you find some peace amidst it all...

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Haven't my fellow Bros heard? They found a food that takes away 90% of a Woman's sex drive. IT'S CALLED WEDDING CAKE!!! Same situation here..Ugh.

I think the number of women on here whose husbands don't have sex drive might make this joke seem a little out of touch...

 

[AnnieLit]

I think the number of women on here whose husbands don't have sex drive might make this joke seem a little out of touch...

I would think that the number of men on here who tell the story of good 10-15-20 years of marriage that became sexless only due to the menopause or other medical issues might make this joke irrelevant too. But that would require three things: ability to read, ability to understand what one is reading, and at least a minimum amount of tact. If at least one is missing ....

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I would think that the number of men on here who tell the story of good 10-15-20 years of marriage that became sexless only due to the menopause or other medical issues might make this joke irrelevant too. But that would require three things: ability to read, ability to understand what one is reading, and at least a minimum amount of tact. If at least one is missing ....

That too!

 

[mr_rippley]

It's been 15 years, at least. I lost count. We get along well though. Her libido was always fairly weak, but at some point it just died. I can't bear the idea of cheating, so I retreat into fantasy.

However, I sometimes think about meeting someone in the same position. We could satisfy each others urges in a way that seems less illicit and more of a mutual kindness. It's very difficult, of course, since "dating" sites are for singles and "cheating" sites are scams.

 

[hogjack]

It's been 15 years, at least. I lost count.

Losing count is not uncommon. The number then is, "It's been awhile."

 

[10169kek]

Losing count is not uncommon. The number then is, "It's been awhile."

I remember the year my wife last had sex ....but no other details