Trying to regain my confidence as a dom

[nikol285bbw]

Last week I had a bad experience with this guy who has been being my sub for the past few months. I am a 29 year old BBW(315 lb). He is 20, 5'6", 135. I had been having him over once a week and doing face sitting/smothering with him. He has been letting me tie him down to this bench I have and putting a ball gag in his mouth. Through practice we came to realize he could withstand me sitting on his face for about 2 minutes before needing to regain his breath. Our session last between 30 to 60 minutes. Things had been going fine with this until last week when we let another woman join us. I was sitting on his face like I normally do while she was sitting on his mid section. She is about 50 lbs heavier than I am. I feel its my fault for not considering the complications of this woman sitting on him would cause as far as him being able to fully get his breaths back during the points I let up on him. After a little more than a half hour of doing this the guy ended up passing out. Thankfully he came back out of it quickly but it could have been much worse. We really don't know at what point he had passed out but it must not had been that long. He doesn't blame us for this but I just feel horrible about it. My confidence as a dominatrix has been shaken. He is willing to give this another try this weekend with me and the woman again but at this point I don't feel that is a good idea. Any advice to regain confidence after an experience t like this?

 

[PaxNurgle]

I think basically, chalk it up to experience. You can learn positive things from negative experiences, i.e. from mistakes you have made, and that will only make you a better dommme in the long run.
Breath play and smothering is in particular one of the riskier things you can be involved in as you discovered. I'd say if you wish to humor him and try again, go at shorter intervals, or allow him to non-verbally (via hand gestures) communicate a safe word if need be. My own experience with this type of play is limited or I'd give more input.

 

[nikol285bbw]

The other woman says the best thing to is not to dwell on it too long and to get right back into it.

 

[28straightguy]

Having another woman sitting on him at the same time probably is just too much. If you are going to do it that way try it for shorter periods of time and make sure he is fully recovered before resuming. Maybe not have him tied so he can give you a signal of some sort. Keep in mind that's slot of Weight you 2 are putting on him.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Having another woman sitting on him at the same time probably is just too much. If you are going to do it that way try it for shorter periods of time and make sure he is fully recovered before resuming. Maybe not have him tied so he can give you a signal of some sort. Keep in mind that's slot of Weight you 2 are putting on him.

This woman has suggested we have a 3rd woman involved. That way while 2 are sitting on him the 3rd can just monitor how he is responding to it to make sure he isnt passing out. She knows a woman who is interested.

 

[Bramblethorn]

The other woman says the best thing to is not to dwell on it too long and to get right back into it.

That might be good advice when you come off your bike and skin your knee, but not for this.

You are right to feel shaken by this. You got lucky, but this could have ended very badly, and your reaction to that is is appropriate. This is your brain telling you "we done fucked up, let's take some time out to process what went wrong and work out how we're going to make sure it doesn't happen again".

Let yourself have that space. Subs aren't the only people who get to have boundaries. Take the time to think about it. Maybe do a bit more reading on breath-play safety, to make sure there isn't anything else that might bite you and your play partners. And then get back into the saddle.

 

[enigma3]

I'm suprised the poor little fucker is still alive

 

[28straightguy]

This woman has suggested we have a 3rd woman involved. That way while 2 are sitting on him the 3rd can just monitor how he is responding to it to make sure he isnt passing out. She knows a woman who is interested.

That adds a level of safety to it. Will this 3rd lady take turns sitting on him as well or just watch?. If so is she big too? Were is he going to be when you do this, floor, bench? Tied and ball gagged? It seems like there is alot going on with this.

 

[Lascivity]

It's totally reasonable to feel shaken and discouraged by this. If anything it shows that you're a responsible dominant. You care, genuinely, when things go wrong in dangerous ways.

Getting back into it is a good idea - but only once you've made changes to what you do to mitigate this risk. Doing so will make everyone involved safer, and make you feel better to.

 

[nikol285bbw]

That adds a level of safety to it. Will this 3rd lady take turns sitting on him as well or just watch?. If so is she big too? Were is he going to be when you do this, floor, bench? Tied and ball gagged? It seems like there is alot going on with this.

This 3rd woman will be taking turns also. She is just a bit bigger than the other woman. I have a padded bench we do this on. He is ball gagged with his arms tied down along side his waist. He is strapped to the bench around his legs and torso. This woman I did it with last time has more experience than I do so I been deferring things to her. She has this rigid foam pillow to place under his head to keep it from moving from side to side and help protect his neck. We just are discussing the safest way to go about this. He is putting alot of trust in us.

 

[cookiecat]

Can you find something else to do? Give the face smothering a rest.

If not, you definitely need a way to check up on him. Make him hold something (a remote? A dildo?) and if he is no longer gripping it, stop.
Gives him an added element of having to focus on something else.

As a submissive, I get off on having my brain twisted up. Like, wait, what? I can't just sit here and focus on my own torment and pleasure?? I have to think about something else?! It heightens my arousal because now I've been asked to do this extra thing and I really need to please my Dominant. I get we're all wired differently. Just a thought.

If you do try the having him hold something route, you have to constantly check his hand as well. Ensure he's gripping. If he's not, get off, check him. If he just forgot to keep holding it, you can add some kind of reprimand to the moment (if that's up your and his alley).

Good luck.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Can you find something else to do? Give the face smothering a rest.

If not, you definitely need a way to check up on him. Make him hold something (a remote? A dildo?) and if he is no longer gripping it, stop.
Gives him an added element of having to focus on something else.

As a submissive, I get off on having my brain twisted up. Like, wait, what? I can't just sit here and focus on my own torment and pleasure?? I have to think about something else?! It heightens my arousal because now I've been asked to do this extra thing and I really need to please my Dominant. I get we're all wired differently. Just a thought.

If you do try the having him hold something route, you have to constantly check his hand as well. Ensure he's gripping. If he's not, get off, check him. If he just forgot to keep holding it, you can add some kind of reprimand to the moment (if that's up your and his alley).

Good luck.

This is just the kink me and the other women are into. I had suggested to them that we just do it one at a time but they prefer two.

 

[28straightguy]

This 3rd woman will be taking turns also. She is just a bit bigger than the other woman. I have a padded bench we do this on. He is ball gagged with his arms tied down along side his waist. He is strapped to the bench around his legs and torso. This woman I did it with last time has more experience than I do so I been deferring things to her. She has this rigid foam pillow to place under his head to keep it from moving from side to side and help protect his neck. We just are discussing the safest way to go about this. He is putting alot of trust in us.

Sounds like you 3 are going to have him in a pretty tough spot. Keep a close eye on him. I dont mean to be out of line but you 3 seem pretty big for him. Thats just my opinion. I dont know what others think.

 

[cookiecat]

This is just the kink me and the other women are into. I had suggested to them that we just do it one at a time but they prefer two.

I get that it's your kink.

Is it the guy's kink as well? Or is he going along for the ride because he's submissive and he's happy he's found someone to dominate him?

Safety first - always.

Hopefully you read the part of having him hold something, which would be his safe word, so to speak, if he dropped it. I just can't think of anything else that would give you both a measure of safety.

It's YOUR responsibility to figure this out. Kudos for coming here and asking. I'm not sure this is so much about your lack of confidence as it should be about what you and your friends absolutely MUST do to keep this guy safe.

 

[28straightguy]

I get that it's your kink.

Is it the guy's kink as well? Or is he going along for the ride because he's submissive and he's happy he's found someone to dominate him?

Safety first - always.

Hopefully you read the part of having him hold something, which would be his safe word, so to speak, if he dropped it. I just can't think of anything else that would give you both a measure of safety.

It's YOUR responsibility to figure this out. Kudos for coming here and asking. I'm not sure this is so much about your lack of confidence as it should be about what you and your friends absolutely MUST do to keep this guy safe.

Isn't having a 3rd person there to check on him during it a good precaution?

 

[nikol285bbw]

Isn't having a 3rd person there to check on him during it a good precaution?

I feel its a good foundation even though he isnt aware of certain things. He does not know about this 3rd woman.

 

[AnnieLit]

you definitely need a way to check up on him. Make him hold something (a remote? A dildo?) and if he is no longer gripping it, stop.
Gives him an added element of having to focus on something else.

Good idea, only I would go for a bell. If a dildo or a remote falls down on a carpet, there is a good chance nobody will notice it right a way, but with a large bell they will hear it before they look to see. And it has to be a large bell, so that there is no chance it will stay on the bench on it's own even if the guy is not holding it. Something like this: https://www.etsy.com/listing/783120...rch_query=large+hand+bell&ref=sr_gallery-1-21


Plus... I don't know what part of the world you guys at, but 3 people getting together and talking about inviting a 4th one... Really? No quarantine, I guess.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Plus... I don't know what part of the world you guys at, but 3 people getting together and talking about inviting a 4th one... Really? No quarantine, I guess.

Nebraska. We have no stay at home order

 

[cookiecat]

I feel its a good foundation even though he isnt aware of certain things. He does not know about this 3rd woman.

He should know about a third person. I would be upset to know someone was in the room without my consent.

Ultimately, do whatever you think is right.

I do wonder how the third person going to know he passed out? I'm thinking by the time she realizes he's not moving, not reacting as he was a few seconds prior, it's still possibly too late.

What does the subby guy say about it??

 

[nikol285bbw]

He should know about a third person. I would be upset to know someone was in the room without my consent.

Ultimately, do whatever you think is right.

I do wonder how the third person going to know he passed out? I'm thinking by the time she realizes he's not moving, not reacting as he was a few seconds prior, it's still possibly too late.

What does the subby guy say about it??

The third person just will have a better view of seeing how is is faring when the women doing the face sitting lets up. We will rotate turns being the 3rd person to keep things fair. It really doesn't change the equation any. Its still just 2 sitting on him.

 

[Todger65]

As a male responding to this, you need to consider that males breathe differently to females. We use our stomach muscles to aid breathing and if they are restricted in any way we cannot take in larger breaths. You cannot face sit and abdomen sit at the same time.you are really lucky he survived at all, and if you had been even a few seconds longer before allowing him to draw breath again, there is the risk of oxygen deprivation causing brain damage.

Anything a Dom/Domme does needs to be fully thought through to the ‘n’th degree and be foolproof.

I’m not saying you should repeat the face sitting if that is required, but think it through properly. As he can’t use a safe word to indicate an ending, you must find and use a visual alternative.

I am not sub, so there is no way I would ever Be in this position. As a Dom, we are responsible for another persons life and wellbeing. Safety is paramount.

 

[cookiecat]

The third person just will have a better view of seeing how is is faring when the women doing the face sitting lets up. We will rotate turns being the 3rd person to keep things fair. It really doesn't change the equation any. Its still just 2 sitting on him.

Then he should know there's another person involved.

 

[kiwi_submissive]

Just my two cents worth. It's great that you have stopped to think about what went wrong and that you want to try again but my advice is to slow down. Not every play session has to be a full on scene. Break your session down into various components to work out what went wrong. I would hate for me to be dropped in a suspension by a rigger and them say oh well someone told me to do the same tie in the same way again without actually breaking the various bits and pieces down.

You (and this other person who supposedly has experience) should be thinking about whether the gag may have contributed to the issue, could you change the gag type or do without one? Is the pillow part of the problem? I can't sleep with a pillow as it causes breathing issues. Could you change so she is on his face and you are on his body as she is heavier? Are the ties over his torso too tight and causing issues? Have you actually talked to the sub and asked if they have ANY medical issues that you should be aware of whether they may have contributed to this issue or not?

The thing that really scares me is the fact that you have had your confidence shaken because something went wrong when you added a second person to the scene and now you want to add a third person? If you want to add a third person as a "spotter" they should be in no way part of the scene itself. Their priority is the subs safety not getting hot and heavy watching what is going on and waiting for their turn.

 

[nikol285bbw]

Just my two cents worth. It's great that you have stopped to think about what went wrong and that you want to try again but my advice is to slow down. Not every play session has to be a full on scene. Break your session down into various components to work out what went wrong. I would hate for me to be dropped in a suspension by a rigger and them say oh well someone told me to do the same tie in the same way again without actually breaking the various bits and pieces down.

You (and this other person who supposedly has experience) should be thinking about whether the gag may have contributed to the issue, could you change the gag type or do without one? Is the pillow part of the problem? I can't sleep with a pillow as it causes breathing issues. Could you change so she is on his face and you are on his body as she is heavier? Are the ties over his torso too tight and causing issues? Have you actually talked to the sub and asked if they have ANY medical issues that you should be aware of whether they may have contributed to this issue or not?

The thing that really scares me is the fact that you have had your confidence shaken because something went wrong when you added a second person to the scene and now you want to add a third person? If you want to add a third person as a "spotter" they should be in no way part of the scene itself. Their priority is the subs safety not getting hot and heavy watching what is going on and waiting for their turn.

The 3 of us discussed it lastnight (me and the 2 other women). The 3rd woman suggested we not use the gag as that could effect his recovery time and we agreed. This pillow is just a small pillow that shapes to the back of his head and neck. It provides support for his neck and also keeps his face pointed up so there isn't any twisting of his neck taking place. As far as allowing the 3rd person to participate that just is something that we think is fair. We will switch it up so we each are spending time sitting on both his face and his torso. She is pretty close to the size of the other woman also. I just don't see the a downsize to having this 3rd women there. It doesn't really change the dynamics any. Its still just 2 on him at a time while the 3rd can just back off some and watch for any issues that may come up that the 2 sitting on him may not notice.

 

[Moochienanu]

The 3 of us discussed it lastnight (me and the 2 other women). The 3rd woman suggested we not use the gag as that could effect his recovery time and we agreed. This pillow is just a small pillow that shapes to the back of his head and neck. It provides support for his neck and also keeps his face pointed up so there isn't any twisting of his neck taking place. As far as allowing the 3rd person to participate that just is something that we think is fair. We will switch it up so we each are spending time sitting on both his face and his torso. She is pretty close to the size of the other woman also. I just don't see the a downsize to having this 3rd women there. It doesn't really change the dynamics any. Its still just 2 on him at a time while the 3rd can just back off some and watch for any issues that may come up that the 2 sitting on him may not notice.

So let me get this straight: you are setting terms and negotiating a scene and not including the sub?

Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be calling yourself a ‘dom.’