Requesting opinions on content/storyline

[Cr8yolla]

Hello all,
I’ve just had my first attempt at writing and publishing a story and it has just been published here:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-queens-slave

If anyone would be so kind to read my short fiction and respond with any comments on the flow, or how I could do better on my next attempt, please let me know here!
Thanks in advance!

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Hello all,
I’ve just had my first attempt at writing and publishing a story and it has just been published here:

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-queens-slave

If anyone would be so kind to read my short fiction and respond with any comments on the flow, or how I could do better on my next attempt, please let me know here!
Thanks in advance!

i liked the hook.

purely a suggestion, but you can break up long passages of dialogue by one speaker as:

"You must be obedient to any and all commands of your betters. Any infraction will have you sent to the punishment chambers for the amount of time decided by Queen Ambrosia. You are a lowly slave and will be ranked below all of the slaves who have come before you.

"You will listen to direction and be quick to abide. The Queen has zero tolerance for slaves who are headstrong. It is considered treason to ignore an order or speak back without being asked a direct question. No one cares who you were or where you came from. Once we enter the palace, you are nobody except for the Queen's slave. Do your job, and do it well and you will be rewarded.

"The Queen will treat you with kindness for your obedience and dedication. Anything else, and the Queen and ourselves will see to it that you are banished from the kingdom with nothing but,not before you are publicly humiliated and left for a day in the village for the villagers to do whatever pleases them with your body."

 

[Cr8yolla]

i liked the hook.

purely a suggestion, but you can break up long passages of dialogue by one speaker as:

"You must be obedient to any and all commands of your betters. Any infraction will have you sent to the punishment chambers for the amount of time decided by Queen Ambrosia. You are a lowly slave and will be ranked below all of the slaves who have come before you.

"You will listen to direction and be quick to abide. The Queen has zero tolerance for slaves who are headstrong. It is considered treason to ignore an order or speak back without being asked a direct question. No one cares who you were or where you came from. Once we enter the palace, you are nobody except for the Queen's slave. Do your job, and do it well and you will be rewarded.

"The Queen will treat you with kindness for your obedience and dedication. Anything else, and the Queen and ourselves will see to it that you are banished from the kingdom with nothing but,not before you are publicly humiliated and left for a day in the village for the villagers to do whatever pleases them with your body."

Thank you so much for this feedback! I’ll be sure to break up any long dialogue in the future!

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Thank you so much for this feedback! I’ll be sure to break up any long dialogue in the future!

no worries. that's just a suggestion. open quotes at each paragraph but don't close until the end. hope you receive other feedback, too. keep writing.

 

[Cr8yolla]

no worries. that's just a suggestion. open quotes at each paragraph but don't close until the end. hope you receive other feedback, too. keep writing.

I hope I receive more feedback as well. It’s my first time taking a stab at writing, so any and all feedback that helps me know I should continue or not is very much welcomed!

 

[yukonnights]

I just read your story and think you've done a good job for you very first attempt. As I read it I was thinking about what might make it even better. The one thing that seems to be missing is the 'interior thoughts and emotions' that must have been racing through her mind.

You included some of her thoughts, but in a lot of those instances it was more to describe/narrate the action. Which is good and decently done. But, to my taste her fears, her struggle with being aroused from that which she should not be, her heartbreak at being abandoned by her family, etc. — these are opportunities to really dig deep and make that character come alive for the reader.

When I write, I quite often stop, close my eyes and try to become the character I'm in at that moment. What does she see, what smells are in the air, what does the room look like — and as you immerse yourself in that setting; what do you feel inside? What emotions would be sweeping over you? These emotions run from erotic contentment to anger and fear.

Anyway, do feel confident and write that next part

 

[Salacious_Scribe]

One thing I notice with all new writers and some more experienced authors is very formal dialogue and lack of personality in speech patterns (I am guilty of this too)...

"I am going to go to the store and purchase some baked goods for our dinner party tomorrow. Do you want anything while I am out?"

No one talks like that. use contractions and short cuts, and don't forget to use accents idioms and add character to the person's speech. An 20 yo inner-city New Yorker doesn't speak the same as a 50 mid western housewife.

Your first line of dialogue is

"This is your duty child. You are 20 years old, unmarried and still living under my roof. You do as I say," ..."You've had your hand at many suitors and rejected them all. Now you will pay for your decisions in a way that will benefit the whole family. Do you really want your mother and younger sister out on the streets?"

A poor uneducated peasant would not speak this way. Too formal, and educated.

When writing dialogue, write how people speak

"I ain't goin' ta dat fuckers crib."

"you 'bout ready ta go?"

"We gonna rock dis joint"

In dialogue, imperfect grammer/spelling is your friend.

TBH I didn't read past that dialogue, because it was the first thing that caught my eye.

I hope this helps, if not at least it was worth the cost

 

[KeithD]

One thing I notice with all new writers and some more experienced authors is very formal dialogue and lack of personality in speech patterns (I am guilty of this too)...

"I am going to go to the store and purchase some baked goods for our dinner party tomorrow. Do you want anything while I am out?"

No one talks like that. use contractions and short cuts, and don't forget to use accents idioms and add character to the person's speech. An 20 yo inner-city New Yorker doesn't speak the same as a 50 mid western housewife.

Your first line of dialogue is

A poor uneducated peasant would not speak this way. Too formal, and educated.

When writing dialogue, write how people speak

"I ain't goin' ta dat fuckers crib."

"you 'bout ready ta go?"

"We gonna rock dis joint"

In dialogue, imperfect grammer/spelling is your friend.

TBH I didn't read past that dialogue, because it was the first thing that caught my eye.

I hope this helps, if not at least it was worth the cost

You don't go all the way in writing, though. It's a balancing act. Record a conversation sometime and write down what you actually heard. You'll see what I mean.

 

[Salacious_Scribe]

You don't go all the way in writing, though. It's a balancing act. Record a conversation sometime and write down what you actually heard. You'll see what I mean.

I am an MSPA gold-certified mystery shopper and have been doing shops for over 20 years. I often use digital recording apps to record my shops and transcribe portions of the conversation into reports.

I do this for my memory not because it's required, imo it's less noticeable to talk while wearing a Bluetooth headset than handwriting notes like I did in 1999.

Since these are formal reports to businesses, I formalize the writing and use the instead of da going to instead of gonna, but I do leave in contractions and improper grammar like ain't.

I stand by my statement with a caveat. You don't want to have your story read like Uncle Remus Br'er Rabbit tales. I have a hard copy that has more apostrophes than letters and it's impossible to read. There is a fine line you don't want to cross.

 

[Cr8yolla]

One thing I notice with all new writers and some more experienced authors is very formal dialogue and lack of personality in speech patterns (I am guilty of this too)...

"I am going to go to the store and purchase some baked goods for our dinner party tomorrow. Do you want anything while I am out?"

No one talks like that. use contractions and short cuts, and don't forget to use accents idioms and add character to the person's speech. An 20 yo inner-city New Yorker doesn't speak the same as a 50 mid western housewife.

Your first line of dialogue is

A poor uneducated peasant would not speak this way. Too formal, and educated.

When writing dialogue, write how people speak

"I ain't goin' ta dat fuckers crib."

"you 'bout ready ta go?"

"We gonna rock dis joint"

In dialogue, imperfect grammer/spelling is your friend.

TBH I didn't read past that dialogue, because it was the first thing that caught my eye.

I hope this helps, if not at least it was worth the cost

Thanks for the feedback on this note. I had already sent my second chapter for review by the time you posted this suggestion. If you’d like to read through my second part to see if it’s any better, that would be helpful.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-queens-slave-ch-02

If not, I’ll definitely try and add these suggestions to the third chapter and onward.