My first story is published

[slickedup]

My first story has just been published... I'd really appreciate any friendly but honest critique... it's the only way to learn and my next one is almost done.

Thanks in advance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/worth-the-wait-44

 

[ElectricBlue]

Some easily fixable things:

Consider breaking your paragraphs up more. You have quite long paragraphs, which tend towards a "wall of text." On many devices, that gets hard to read. Give readers more "white space." Generally, you could split most of your paras in two.

Watch your dialogue punctuation. In many places you have a period before a speech tag, or you have nothing, when you should have a comma. I'm inclined to think you over-use exclamation marks - it's almost as if you use them instead of commas, as if you're not quite sure when to use a comma correctly. Find yourself a guide to correct punctuation. It's enough to slow up the flow of your writing because it's more often incorrect than right, and that gets in the way. It's a fixable thing, so you should fix it.

You change point of view quite often without warning, which gets confusing, and the reader has to catch up. On a shorter piece like this, you might be better off telling it from a single point of view - in this story, my suggestion would be hers, not his. In a longer story, you can signify a pov change by using * * * or clearer context cues, but try to remain in one head for an extended period.

Your style is very passive. You're telling us lots of stuff - your opening paragraphs are almost too much back story and I was getting confused because she was remembering other lovers who popped out of nowhere, whereas the story really is about her and Ben. So just write about the two of them. Who's Mark? I don't care - you've introduced Ben, but now the story loses sight of him, then jumps back to him. And then jumps into his head. Arrgghh! There's almost too much going on.

It's as if you're bubbling over with background bits and pieces and can't wait to get it all out. Resist doing that. Paint more of a picture in the here and now, and weave in the background more subtly, more quietly, but only when you need it. Don't just tell us everything, but make us want to find out. This is a good example of "show, don't tell."

Find ways to bring her alive, that demonstrate her personality - little things, like a mannerism, say, that Ben finds endearing and she doesn't even know she does it. Have her do it. That catches his eye, and it catches the reader's eye too. Make the reader intrigued. Don't spell it all out, but let us find out through the action, their interaction.

As I say, these are fixable things. You can write okay, but tidy up the technical things, especially dialogue punctuation, because it's too noticeable when it's wrong. The technical elements of a story need to be invisible, so the story gets told, not the grammar gets corrected.

Persevere, find your style, experiment with different points of view (but not every paragraph!). You'll be fine .

 

[NotWise]

My first story has just been published... I'd really appreciate any friendly but honest critique... it's the only way to learn and my next one is almost done.

Thanks in advance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/worth-the-wait-44

Congratulations on getting your first story published!

Your story actually reads like a first story. It has good features. It is a complete story, which first-time writers often struggle to produce. It has problems. Editing is a problem. You need to work on punctuation and sentence structure. There are also a lot of missing words and incorrect words (he instead of her, for instance), and in some cases those problems make it hard to understand what you're trying to say.

Those problems can be difficult to catch by yourself. It's easier for someone else. Next time, read it more closely and consider having someone beta read or edit for you.

You wrote the story in third person, omniscient, and that let you switch from one person's point of view to another. You need to give more thought to how you do that. As you've written it, the changes from her point of view to his and back again were distractions for me and probably for other readers, as well.

I had a problem with your characters. Their thoughts and actions sometime seemed inconsistent. You can use conflicts like that to build depth in characters and to add to tension, but it didn't seem to me like that's what you were doing. If that's what you intended, then you need to think more about how you use the conflicts.

You have a start, and opportunities to develop as a writer. You might need to up the effort a little. When I started writing here, my level of effort was one of the first things I had to improve.

 

[slickedup]

Thanks for the feedback it’s much appreciated!

 

[slickedup]

Congratulations on getting your first story published!

Your story actually reads like a first story. It has good features. It is a complete story, which first-time writers often struggle to produce. It has problems. Editing is a problem. You need to work on punctuation and sentence structure. There are also a lot of missing words and incorrect words (he instead of her, for instance), and in some cases those problems make it hard to understand what you're trying to say.

Those problems can be difficult to catch by yourself. It's easier for someone else. Next time, read it more closely and consider having someone beta read or edit for you.

You wrote the story in third person, omniscient, and that let you switch from one person's point of view to another. You need to give more thought to how you do that. As you've written it, the changes from her point of view to his and back again were distractions for me and probably for other readers, as well.

I had a problem with your characters. Their thoughts and actions sometime seemed inconsistent. You can use conflicts like that to build depth in characters and to add to tension, but it didn't seem to me like that's what you were doing. If that's what you intended, then you need to think more about how you use the conflicts.

You have a start, and opportunities to develop as a writer. You might need to up the effort a little. When I started writing here, my level of effort was one of the first things I had to improve.

Thanks so much for the feedback.

 

[slickedup]

Some easily fixable things:

Consider breaking your paragraphs up more. You have quite long paragraphs, which tend towards a "wall of text." On many devices, that gets hard to read. Give readers more "white space." Generally, you could split most of your paras in two.

Watch your dialogue punctuation. In many places you have a period before a speech tag, or you have nothing, when you should have a comma. I'm inclined to think you over-use exclamation marks - it's almost as if you use them instead of commas, as if you're not quite sure when to use a comma correctly. Find yourself a guide to correct punctuation. It's enough to slow up the flow of your writing because it's more often incorrect than right, and that gets in the way. It's a fixable thing, so you should fix it.

You change point of view quite often without warning, which gets confusing, and the reader has to catch up. On a shorter piece like this, you might be better off telling it from a single point of view - in this story, my suggestion would be hers, not his. In a longer story, you can signify a pov change by using * * * or clearer context cues, but try to remain in one head for an extended period.

Your style is very passive. You're telling us lots of stuff - your opening paragraphs are almost too much back story and I was getting confused because she was remembering other lovers who popped out of nowhere, whereas the story really is about her and Ben. So just write about the two of them. Who's Mark? I don't care - you've introduced Ben, but now the story loses sight of him, then jumps back to him. And then jumps into his head. Arrgghh! There's almost too much going on.

It's as if you're bubbling over with background bits and pieces and can't wait to get it all out. Resist doing that. Paint more of a picture in the here and now, and weave in the background more subtly, more quietly, but only when you need it. Don't just tell us everything, but make us want to find out. This is a good example of "show, don't tell."

Find ways to bring her alive, that demonstrate her personality - little things, like a mannerism, say, that Ben finds endearing and she doesn't even know she does it. Have her do it. That catches his eye, and it catches the reader's eye too. Make the reader intrigued. Don't spell it all out, but let us find out through the action, their interaction.

As I say, these are fixable things. You can write okay, but tidy up the technical things, especially dialogue punctuation, because it's too noticeable when it's wrong. The technical elements of a story need to be invisible, so the story gets told, not the grammar gets corrected.

Persevere, find your style, experiment with different points of view (but not every paragraph!). You'll be fine .

Thanks for the feedback, I wasn’t expecting such a detailed critique so really appreciate the time given.

 

[gordo12]

I'll go along with the paragraph size. Many of those could have been broken down. It makes reading easier. I won't comment on grammar etc because others have.

What struck me at the end was her blowing him off, yet you put it in romance. Where's the romance in a one night stand?

 

[SimonDoom]

I would echo the comments made before, so I'll add a few very specific things I noticed.

Avoid comma splices. A comma splice occurs when you put two separate sentences together without using a conjunction. DO NOT DO THIS.

Here's an example:

"Louise had to think quickly how to play this, she was desperate for cock but desperate wasn't her style - it was his."

Put a period after "this." This isn't proper punctuation. You could also use a semicolon, but I think a period is better.

In general, I recommend brushing up on punctuation, because I noticed a number of errors, and they detract from the story. The problems arise particularly in dialogue and in combining sentences.


When you are done with a story, proofread it for excessive use of the verb "to be" and try to replace it with more active verbs. The beginning of your story, in particular, is full of the word "was." It's a bit excessive. Good verb use is a sign of good writing. Try to find more active ways to say similar things.

In a very short story like this, I recommend sticking with one person's point of view rather than going back and forth as you do. If you want to tell more than one point of view, I recommend switching only when you switch to a separate section, which can be indicated by four asterisks, or something like that.

 

[Audiodesires]

Hi there! Congrats on getting your first story published!
I really liked it!

 

[DarkPleasures]

Hey AudioDesires, your sig line (and, hell, even your screen name) violates Lit since you are advertising your web site and are not a Lit author.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

My first story has just been published... I'd really appreciate any friendly but honest critique... it's the only way to learn and my next one is almost done.

Thanks in advance.

https://www.literotica.com/s/worth-the-wait-44

Good for your first story!

Something that hasn't been mentioned yet: there's a giant info-dump at the beginning of the story. You've listed off a lot of information, in a very "here are the objective facts" kind of way.

I'd consider how much information needs to be revealed right at the beginning (probably less than you think), and secondly if there is a more interesting way to communicate it.

 

[perishablepeach]

Great feedback here! I've spotted another hallmark of amateur writing: cliches. Let's take a look at part of the story:

Then through a bit of Dutch courage, Ben brought come clarity; "I don't want to make this awkward but I should tell you I've never stopped carrying a torch for you."

Louise stirred her drink, contemplating her retort before saying "You've let me spill the beans about all the men who've left me bitter and twisted and then you pull out that line?"

"You've always been twisted." Ben wasn't going to succumb to her twistedness, he'd let the cat out the bag and didn't want to crash the whole conversation. "It's why I like you." He quickly added.

What if we changed it?

"I don't want to make this awkward, but I should tell you I've never stopped, well...having feelings for you." Even with the booze, Ben still didn't quite have the courage to confess, but he made himself do it anyway. He couldn't miss this chance.

Louise stirred her drink, contemplating her retort. "You've heard about all the men who've left me bitter and twisted, and then you pull out that line?"

"You've always been twisted." Ben wasn't going to succumb to her twistedness. "It's why I like you."

That sounds more like authentic, engaging romance dialogue.

The key to an effective omniscient narrator is that it doesn't change tone when changing between characters. After all, it's the same point of view. It would be helpful if you included some sentences early on indicating that we're not just looking in Louise's head; let us see that this narrator knows how everyone's doing.

 

[slickedup]

Great feedback here! I've spotted another hallmark of amateur writing: cliches. Let's take a look at part of the story:



What if we changed it?



That sounds more like authentic, engaging romance dialogue.

The key to an effective omniscient narrator is that it doesn't change tone when changing between characters. After all, it's the same point of view. It would be helpful if you included some sentences early on indicating that we're not just looking in Louise's head; let us see that this narrator knows how everyone's doing.

Thanks for that - sort of thing you don't see yourself writing.

Just finishing a second story and have moved to the first person based on everyone's feedback.

 

[slickedup]

I would echo the comments made before, so I'll add a few very specific things I noticed.

Avoid comma splices. A comma splice occurs when you put two separate sentences together without using a conjunction. DO NOT DO THIS.

Here's an example:

"Louise had to think quickly how to play this, she was desperate for cock but desperate wasn't her style - it was his."

Put a period after "this." This isn't proper punctuation. You could also use a semicolon, but I think a period is better.

In general, I recommend brushing up on punctuation, because I noticed a number of errors, and they detract from the story. The problems arise particularly in dialogue and in combining sentences.


When you are done with a story, proofread it for excessive use of the verb "to be" and try to replace it with more active verbs. The beginning of your story, in particular, is full of the word "was." It's a bit excessive. Good verb use is a sign of good writing. Try to find more active ways to say similar things.

In a very short story like this, I recommend sticking with one person's point of view rather than going back and forth as you do. If you want to tell more than one point of view, I recommend switching only when you switch to a separate section, which can be indicated by four asterisks, or something like that.

Thank you. First person from here on in...

 

[slickedup]

Good for your first story!

Something that hasn't been mentioned yet: there's a giant info-dump at the beginning of the story. You've listed off a lot of information, in a very "here are the objective facts" kind of way.

I'd consider how much information needs to be revealed right at the beginning (probably less than you think), and secondly if there is a more interesting way to communicate it.

Thanks for the observation, need to switch my mind from writing proposals fully to story mode!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thank you. First person from here on in...

Don't eliminate third person as an option. Try both, go back and forth between them - not in the same story, obviously. Some stories work better in first person, others work just as well or better with a narrator. Horses for courses.