My first story, take 2

[Yerkiddin]

Hi!

I tried to put the whole story out here for a review, but was wrong to do so. Now it is properly published, and I would like to see what folks think about it, if that's OK.

It's 2 full pages as published, and I'm tempted to go add extra lines to break the paragraphs out more. As I intend it, it starts out CFNM, but migrates from that to non-consent/reluctance, then some group sex, one final erotic coupling, and then a bit of an ominous ending. I'm wondering how close I got.

https://www.literotica.com/s/how-it-started-24

 

[LWulf]

Well, as a story, giving paragraph sized biographies about certain characters starts me to scroll looking for the story. Honestly, I by-passed the first eight paragraphs. I don't know what's in them, and I don't care. Maybe I'll go back and read them, but I probably won't. That's probably not something you want a reader to do...

The first sentence of the actual story, left me a little non plus. I think I understand what you mean, but at the same time, huh? You're personifying Spring and seemingly making it out like a group of tall buildings have some affect over that outcome.
Am I nit picking?

The first paragraph of the story, reads like an eclectic mash of randomness. Spring has sprung; flowers are blooming, people sneezing, and a guy bemoans his financials, and the evening meal.

The second paragraph reads like a poorly phrased running dialogue. It probably wouldn't be so bad if you rephrased it a little with less "to which Angel replied" It's a phone conversation, so you're trying to creatively keep it all in one container, so to speak, but then you break the rest of it into standard dialogue exchanges. It just reads oddly, having both sides of a phone conversation in one paragraph, followed by segmented dialogue.

Point of reference, it's standard contractual law that both parties have a copy of the contract, or it isn't really binding. How can anyone expect to hold up their end of a contract, if they don't have a copy to read and be reminded of what is expected of them? Unless Angel isn't just a neighbor, and friend, but also an agent? An agent as a representative of a person would be the one who holds onto copies of a contract for their clients. This would explain why she would "need that money, too" In other words, her commission, her agent's fee. Do these sound like better words that might explain to the reader what is going on???
Also, the person, or parties, who initiate a contract ALWAYS get the original contract.

Now I understand why you gave a synopsis of characters at the beginning, so you didn't have to go to the trouble of explaining who characters are in the body of the story, which might delay the ensuing action (even though you explained that Angel was Albert's friend and neighbor (and agent)). I'm not going back to find out who Chelle is.

Thought fragments here that don't complete themselves. Apparently, Albert doesn't mind being sneaky around "Chelle" but doesn't dare telling her he is going somewhere. Why, is she his mom? ...and has her fingers in his wallet! Wow, I'm really not liking this story already. (This is all part of a phone conversation that happens, but didn't happen, unlike Angel's phone conversation, which rated hearing both sides) I'm already beginning to think Angel rates higher than Chelle in terms of the story, so Chelle must just be a bit-part character. Ahh! That's right, this is a "non-consent/reluctance" story, so we have to give premise that Albert is already not in control of his own life!

Scene change without a hard break to alert the reader about a scene change. (I've GOT to find that reference that explains how soft breaks in a story are done properly).

"Albert woke the next morning feeling like he got some sleep..." Dis sounds like a good t'ing, yeah? ...unless it was your intent to say otherwise, and yet, it hints you don't mean it that way.

Your phraseology is... I don't know if you're going for style, but you mention details, but then give summations in stunted english, like "general cleaning." If it's worth noting, mention what it is, or don't bother. Just a suggestion.

"He forced himself to eat for lunch but didn't pay attention enough to know what that was." Captain Snark informs me that "lunch" is a noonday meal, unless you meant to say "he didn't pay attention to remember what he ate." Don't assume the reader knows what you mean to suggest.

"...the sponsor wanted him to wear his costume in under his clothes..."

"The "underwear" was a little tight, even without an erection, but he was used to that." So... he is used to not having an erection, or not having enough room for an erection, and WHY is this little factoid being brought in from left field??? Does wearing tight underwear make him erect? Does being asked to wear tight underwear make him aroused? Does his being a model mean he expects to sport an erection at the time of his modeling? The last thing I think of when I put on underwear is how much room I'll have for an erection. Has he had previous issues with suddenly getting an erection during a camera shoot? THAT would be worth mentioning in tandem to this factoid, otherwise...

"Mostly just arms and legs, then back home to shower and get into the costume." Sentence fragment made into a new sentence; poorly.

"He had grown up wearing tight underwear and baggy jeans to hide his bulge." What you hint at is explaining he's EMBARRASSED by his "bulge." Giving full descriptions or explanations of what is going on, allows a reader to naturally understand what your intent is.

"The underwear had a vertical red and off-white stripe to it, with the stripes far enough apart so this didn't blend at a distance." Blend with what? Together? With the background? With his bulge (making less camouflage to his what he's embarrassed about)?

"Semi-erect, dressed up and left, ..." left out? left alone? left as is? left up to the reader to guess what you meant? Please, finish your thoughts.

Not that it is significant, but he had to go to the appt at three o'clock, on the third floor? Coincidences occur in life, but when people make up explanations, they tend to repeat certain numbers, and for some odd reason, certain numbers in particular. Seriously, you can spot when people are lying by the choices of the numbers they use, and patterns they use them in. Be a little more creative is what I'm suggesting. Unless you're trying to be campy. I love using 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Remember what I said about giving details before? Now watch me turn it around. What does the significance of knowing the exact kind of padded bench, aid the reader? The fact that a rug is rectangular, or that the rug is the same size as the character's bed spread? Is this something that will come up again later?
You want to give enough detail that the reader understands, or can visualize, but not too much that you obfuscate the purpose of the story.

Try not to use idioms (unless they are in dialogue). Example: "He went ahead and sat on the end..."

(Fast scroll to the end)

While it's acceptable to break any rule of grammar in spoken text, "waahamim" is kind of pushing it. Anything that makes a reader go "huh? what does that mean?" suggests that you pushed it passed common/simple understanding.
The phrase used I believe meant "what's happening" or "what happened" but since he wasn't rousing from a roofie, the unintelligible phrases seem out of context.

"Glomped." You made me read a story with the slang 'glomped' in it??? Again, you should avoid idioms (unless it is in dialogue).

Why did you put "(The artists didn't even know about these.)" in parenthesis? It just seems unnecessary.

Final thoughts:
So, Albert was just a random, drive-by non-consent/reluctance. They weren't "getting even" with him for some reason, just random. Okay, it's a bit thin, but okay.
Did all of those people art the beginning of the story get involved by the end? If not, then why were they mentioned?

 

[NotWise]

Your first story is up, so congratulations on breaking the ice. I think your story has the five components: setting, characters, plot, tension, and resolution (or theme). That puts your story ahead of a lot of others. Otherwise, I'm not going into much detail, but I'll give you four main points.

The beginning of a story is where you either pull your readers in or kick them out. The long sequence of one-paragraph biographies at the beginning probably kicked most of your potential readers out, or made them skim ahead. I read them, and they did me little or no good as the story went on. I still didn't feel like I knew the characters, their relationships, or their motives.

Dialogue is an important tool, but there's very little dialogue in the story. That's a missed opportunity. You could have used dialogue to introduce your characters and let your readers know who they were, to entertain your readers, and to tell large parts of the story.

Sex is supposed to be exciting for someone, isn't it? In some stories we can use affection and emotional attachment to build the excitement, but that tool isn't available in your story. You need to describe the sex act in enough detail that the reader understands how exciting it is, and why. I saw a list of acts, and another list of who came. Nothing much at all about how it felt.

The pretext for the climactic scene doesn't make much sense to me. Why would they hire an inexperienced guy to model for an art class, and then use him for sex when they really wanted a sex professional? Maybe there's a reason, but it isn't explained. It's one of those things where dialogue might have helped.

Now get back to work and give your readers the rest of the story.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The beginning of a story is where you either pull your readers in or kick them out. The long sequence of one-paragraph biographies at the beginning probably kicked most of your potential readers out, or made them skim ahead. I read them, and they did me little or no good as the story went on. I still didn't feel like I knew the characters, their relationships, or their motives.

Dialogue is an important tool, but there's very little dialogue in the story. That's a missed opportunity. You could have used dialogue to introduce your characters and let your readers know who they were, to entertain your readers, and to tell large parts of the story.

I too thought the intro bios were really odd. It's a really common thing with many new writers to think they need to provide this kind of backfill, and the advice is always don't, just don't. This story took it to a new extreme. In this case, it made them all sound like IKEA catalogue choices, but I remembered none of them by the time each character walked on stage. It's far better, I think, to start a story with a single point of view (and it doesn't matter if that's first or third person narrative), then weave other characters in as and when you need them, and provide tastes of their background - but only if it's relevant.

The story telling itself is very passive; it's all "tell, not show."

And for me, the whole premise of the model willing down his erection for ages, and then boffing every woman in sight, made no sense at all. Having written a few artist's model pieces, and having done some life drawing modelling myself, I can assure you it's a wonderful fantasy, but the way it played out in this story, none of it was remotely believable.

You've already noted the one constructional tip that I'd give - more para breaks, more white space. It really does make stories easier to read.

My recommendation is to keep writing, take on board as many tips as you can, but get into your characters' heads more. Give us their personalities, their motivations, but don't spell it all out. Lead your readers along, but give us reasons why we should believe the story.

 

[Yerkiddin]

Thank you three for those responses! I majored in math and computer science, and even that was over 25 years ago. I've been trying for at least 5 of those years to get someone else to write stories for me, and it's never worked. I know I'm not done, though, and it looks like this first bit is going to be much longer when I'm done, but hopefully the trimming, rewrites, and extra bits will improve it.

Now, I know the story has been published, but can I redo it and resubmit it as another edit?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Now, I know the story has been published, but can I redo it and resubmit it as another edit?

Yes, you can. Edit your text (I'd be removing your bio intros and finding more natural para breaks for starters), then resubmit with exactly the same title plus EDIT, resubmit the entire reworked text, add a Note to the Editor. That way, all scores and comments remain.

Edits take 5 - 8 days usually (they're lower priority).

My suggestion, though, is don't spend too much time fussing with your first story. You'll learn more, improve faster, if you write your second, then your third story. Start with simple stories with only a few characters, learn how to write dialogue. And trust your readers. You don't need to explain everything. Readers are clever, so let them bring their own imaginations to a story. Read other writers in categories you enjoy, and see what they're doing. It will take a while to find your natural style, and then you'll find it gets easier, as you get more confidence.

 

[gordo12]

Your first story is up, so congratulations on breaking the ice. I think your story has the five components: setting, characters, plot, tension, and resolution (or theme). That puts your story ahead of a lot of others. Otherwise, I'm not going into much detail, but I'll give you four main points.

The beginning of a story is where you either pull your readers in or kick them out. The long sequence of one-paragraph biographies at the beginning probably kicked most of your potential readers out, or made them skim ahead. I read them, and they did me little or no good as the story went on. I still didn't feel like I knew the characters, their relationships, or their motives.

What NW said.

I scrolled past the bios too. I don't need a memory lesson before reading the story. And that many characters is definitely too many up front.

Details should be added into the story as needed. All that information you sketched out may have been unnecessary to the story. I don't know, I lost interest as soon as I saw the extensive bios.

On that note I will mention that multiple character stories are difficult to follow. We don't know the characters like the writer does. They're all brand new to us and we have to fit them together with one readthrough. I find stories with more than 4 tend to get lost in the action. I have to go back to check who is who. In this case you introduced 10 right from the start.

Sorry, but I would never read it.

 

[MohanSingh]

The intro to all the characters was tedious. All information given must build the story. Keep going. It is better to get ideas out.

 

[GroverLang]

It’s all meant well

When you have your first “masterpiece” published and have the courage to ask for public criticism you should be applauded. There are thousands of contributors who didn’t have your courage.

I’m not going to comment on the story because there’s no sense in repeating what’s already been said. I know how you’re feeling because I put my first story in Story Feedback and it got ripped to pieces, just like yours. I separated the good advice from the bad and rewrote the story taking into account the good advice.

You have two choices. Submit it as an edit which will retain your existing score or ask for it to be deleted and then submit the rewrite as a new story. The second option would mean your scores would be a true reflection of what readers think of the new version unhampered by the low scores of the first. It’ll then give you an accurate idea of if you’re on the right track.

 

[HectorBidon]

OK, I actually found myself kind of intrigued by the introductory bios. It's clearly an unusual tack, but the writing was thoughtful and witty, and as they kept coming I found myself becoming more and more interested to see how they would all tie together. They told a whole story in themselves, in an offbeat, reader's-digest, village-that-it-takes sort of say.

It was the rest of the story that fell rather flat for me. There were too many characters to give them each their due. The bride-to-be, for example. I didn't get any sense of why she was behaving the way she was behaving. I lost interest in her as a character. Group sex action often seems that way to me, as if the author has just selected a boilerplate with the appropriate body count and done a global search-and-replace on the names.

I actually read the story before everyone else replied, I just didn't get around to responding. You're a pretty decent writer. Keep on writing. What is this site for if not for trying stuff?