First three (early draft) stories posted

[AinslieCaswell]

Hi there,

I'm Ainslie, new to Literotica, but not to the romance/erotica game. I am an existing narrator, dipping my toe into the arena of original writing.

I am prepping this original material for indie publication and narration, and possible live performance later this year. I am in the midst of revisions and editing, and thought this was a good community to bounce some concepts off of.

Feedback welcome. Thanks.

https://www.literotica.com/s/cheap-shot-2 Ex's spot each other in a bar, and decide to run off.

https://www.literotica.com/s/everything-18 A young couple spends their first night together.

https://www.literotica.com/beta/s/own-it Former flames reconnect after almost a year away at school.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Hmmm. I note you have written these for narration, and that's where they immediately don't work for me. I opened the second link, read the first sentence and back clicked straight away.

No, I did not do those things, and I know I won't do any of the things your narrator will say I do. It's a problem with direct address in writing which I personally can't get past - I can't suspend disbelief when someone is telling me I'm doing things I'm not doing.

Direct address can also bump fifty percent of readers straightaway - for example, a male narrator addressing "you" (me, if I'm the reader) as a woman... but I'm a man. See the conundrum?

The only time I'd address a story participant as "you" in the way you have done, is when the story has previously established a relationship between two parties, and the narrative makes it clear that one party is addressing the other by way of a letter, or a contemplative monologue, something like that. Other than that, direct address in stories is too problematic for me.

 

[MetaBob]

Hi there,

I'm Ainslie, new to Literotica, but not to the romance/erotica game. I am an existing narrator, dipping my toe into the arena of original writing.

I am prepping this original material for indie publication and narration, and possible live performance later this year. I am in the midst of revisions and editing, and thought this was a good community to bounce some concepts off of.

Feedback welcome. Thanks.

https://www.literotica.com/s/everything-18 A young couple spends their first night together.

Hi Ainslie. I got a bit farther than eb, then paged down and noticed that the same story he bailed from after a single sentence was 3 Lit pages long. Careful with frequent responders here, they often color their responses with preconceptions, and sometimes gender politics, without reading much of your stuff at all.

I like your writing. There's no dialog, at least not early, but then there doesn't need to be. Your prose has economy of words. I like that. Others don't. Who cares. You're not writing for them anyway. They would have you believe that their way is the only way. They are obviously wrong.

On that arc, you could cut a few more words, and especially some commas and adverbs. That's my personal preference, though others have concurred.

Your first two paragraphs are delightful. Extra stuff creeps into the third. It could be reorganized more tightly, though its last two sentences are wonderful. A little later:

"and step inside first" [Nix "first"]
"the curves of the rear of my body" [Too many prepositional phrases.]

Keep writing!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Hi Ainslie. I got a bit farther than eb, then paged down and noticed that the same story he bailed from after a single sentence was 3 Lit pages long. Careful with frequent responders here, they often color their responses with preconceptions, and sometimes gender politics, without reading much of your stuff at all.

Mine was a single response, giving a reason as to why the OP's choice of narrative style didn't work for me. Don't conflate it, turn it into something it isn't. I didn't say, "Don't write that way," all I said was, that form of address doesn't work for everyone, it didn't work for me, and explained why. I will always bail from a story addressed to "me" in that way.

That's why this is called a Feedback Forum. Folk come here seeking feedback. My comment is not an attack, it's merely a point of view, that is all. Am I only to respond if I like something (although I do that too)? Your "careful" warning sets up more preconceptions than anything I wrote, and I could ask why gender politics wandered in so soon. Although I grant you, we get that too, but the regulars know that and respect those points of view.

Peace, bro. Ainslie wants feedback - she's come to the right place .

 

[AinslieCaswell]

Re: the narrative

Yes, I am well aware the writing is in second-person narrative, which is uncommon and rare to see in long-form prose. I attempted to write in first- or third-person, with very little success. I accidentally stumbled upon writing in this format, which works much better for me, and (in my experience in the genre) is incredibly unique.

My hope is that this has this ability for the reader to put themselves in the story, regardless of their role/gender/POV. The stories are told from the female perspective. Therefore, females can potentially insert themselves as the speaker. Male readers can insert themselves as the other character (the one being spoken to). This is one reason the characters are never named.

Also, in my audio tests, (imo) I find that it makes the audio a lot more personal. Men, especially, often enjoy a personalized experience. Short of taking special requests to insert names into the stories, this is the closest we can get.

So, while this may not be the format for you, this is something I have given a fair amount of thought to. And yes, it won't be for everyone.

 

[MetaBob]

Mine was a single response, giving a reason as to why the OP's choice of narrative style didn't work for me. Don't conflate it, turn it into something it isn't. I didn't say, "Don't write that way," all I said was, that form of address doesn't work for everyone, it didn't work for me, and explained why. I will always bail from a story addressed to "me" in that way.

That's why this is called a Feedback Forum. Folk come here seeking feedback. My comment is not an attack, it's merely a point of view, that is all. Am I only to respond if I like something (although I do that too)? Your "careful" warning sets up more preconceptions than anything I wrote, and I could ask why gender politics wandered in so soon. Although I grant you, we get that too, but the regulars know that and respect those points of view.

Peace, bro. Ainslie wants feedback - she's come to the right place .

One of the things I notice about compulsive responders, especially those who respond to very little of what someone actually writes, brings to mind a scene from Joe Versus The Volcano.

If I don't like something, I generally don't respond, unless I've previously committed to. If I feel compelled to respond when I have nothing substantive to say, I might say something like Meg Ryan did in that scene. If I have something constructive to add, I'll add it. As I did.

People feel like they gotta be right, I get that. I try not to do the same.

Not pointing fingers.

Ainslie wrote some good stuff there. Not everyone will appreciate it, I get that, too. But I did. The uniqueness of her perspective is to be celebrated, not denigrated, especially when she executes well. I like to think I learn from that.

 

[KeithD]

Re: the narrative

Yes, I am well aware the writing is in second-person narrative,

On this point alone, no, none of the three are second-person voice. Two of them start with the word "I" and the third one starts the third sentence with "I." All three of them are messed-up first person. Second person is very (very) strict. You have to be in the head of the "other" all of the time and everything must strictly come out of the perception and action of the other, the "you."

All three of your stories are first-person trying to reach for second, missing, and only being pseudo second person. And, yes, lots of readers don't like to read that.

Just addressing that one point, which bunches and bunches of folks don't understand.

 

[AinslieCaswell]

All three of your stories are first-person trying to reach for second, missing, and only being pseudo second person.

Okay, great.

My reasoning behind the format still stands.

And, yes, lots of readers don't like to read that.

Just addressing that one point, which bunches and bunches of folks don't understand.

Uh, okay.

Is there a reason several of you feel the need to get all holier-than-thou, and remind writers that there will always be those who hate what they put out? Or.... do you have anything valuable to add?

No?

 

[KeithD]

Is there a reason several of you feel the need to get all holier-than-thou, and remind writers that there will always be those who hate what they put out? Or.... do you have anything valuable to add?

No?

It wasn't valuable to let you know you weren't using second person as you thought? Perhaps you shouldn't ask for feedback if you don't want it. You asked for help and I took the time to provide it on that point--seeing as how you think you'll try writing this to the marketplace and all. Good luck taking thin skin and limited skill to the bigger leagues.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Is there a reason several of you feel the need to get all holier-than-thou, and remind writers that there will always be those who hate what they put out? Or.... do you have anything valuable to add?

No?

"Several of us" (which so far, by my count, is actually two) have been contributing to this forum for many years, and the narrative form you are using presents as a topic on a fairly regular basis. In the past, it has not occurred to many writers that the narrative form alienates many readers (not just me), and when it's explained why it's not always successful, those writers have said, "Oh, okay, I get that, I see what you mean. I didn't think of it like that."

Those folk have also understood that was presented is an opinion, and opinions aren't always favourable - but they also understand that the authority behind the comment is singular. It's one person's opinion, and that's all it is. But did I say you were wrong? No. I said it doesn't work for me, and here's why. What's holier than thou about that?

You wanted feedback, you got some. Stick around, you'll get some more. Will it be opinionated? Yes it will, because the folk who contribute regularly to this forum (and now even that seems to be a crime) are an opinionated bunch of pricks with nothing better to do than open up somebody's link and say, "Gee, what have we got this time? Oh, that one again, I won't bother." Or: "Fuck me, this writer is astonishing, folks, come and see."

That's how it works around here. So far, you've got one against, one for, and one clarification of the narrative form. What's your problem with that?

 

[AinslieCaswell]

I'm already in the leagues, thanks. I work in this genre professionally, just not as a writer. I do not see this use of narrative in the genre, at a professional level. However, I see a strong interest in it when I work with clients one-on-one.

Clearly, you see it a lot at the non-professional level. And you see it used, poorly.

I appreciate input that is constructive and has substance. One of you admitted to not even reading the story, and the other simply offered an over-the-top technical correction, most of which was unnecessary because it doesn't negate my offered explanation for why I employed the technique... then further reiterated something I already stated myself, which was "this isn't for everyone." No kidding. Nothing is for everyone.

Additionally, both of these pieces of feedback were not simply based on personal opinion. They reeked of I am speaking for the masses based on what I've seen/heard in my past experiences. That isn't based on the pieces I offered up for critique, nor your specific feelings about them. That's colored by pieces/authors you've read before, and the reactions of others you've seen before.

So, again, it wasn't valuable.

If you want to consider yourselves critics, try reading the work and offering actual feedback, rather than making white noise.

Oh, and thanks for trying to insult me after the fact, via the "limited skill" comment. That's very "you were too fat to fuck anyway!" When true insults start flying, but only after I challenge your substance, that's when your motive becomes more clear. Maybe make room for people who actually enjoy reading and replying, and not just talking down to people.

 

[LWulf]

Cheap Shot (early draft) review

Well, I'm not a professional, which I'm sure some will completely agree all too quickly.

You write like someone else whom I've read. Although this is only a draft, it reads well. I got lost in a couple of places.

"Your voice gives you away. You call back to someone you are with, and my ears perk. By that time, you are sidling up next to me, getting ready to say something." It jumped a little there. It went from the first person realizing the online ex-bo was there, to him suddenly recognizing the first person was there, without mentioning it, or am I missing something?

The friend of the first person, is a much older friend of the ex-bo, over the first person, but she's clueless about their on-again/off-again relationship? She must not be a close friend?

A pet-peeve of mine: do you speak in three letter acronyms, or are you trying to censor yourself? It took me a little while to figure out what DTF meant (yes, I'm old).

Okay, so, the relationship between the first person and the ex-bo has been an on-again/off-again thing, BUT, the first person has only been texting and wondering "where has this guy been?" at the boldness he suddenly displays??? Was the "relationship" that devoid of anything besides sex?

Your writing style was a little off to me until I got the rhythm of it.

...wow. Just finished reading. When you got going, ooh, boy! That's the kind of story I like reading. Not some half a page wham, ba- ...hey, where'd they go?

A couple points were still a little jarring to me. the statistician in me, likes lists, but seeing "A:... B:... broke the rhythm. I would have liked reading that a little less formulaically. Also, while informative, I could have done without knowing which muscle groups were being deployed. I don't believe subtracting those parts wouldn't have hurt the flow, none what so ever.

Okay, so these two have known each other since high school, or earlier and yet the first person's friend has known him longer? from where??? Normally, most people know others from school. If that's the case, then all three went to school together? it's possible that the first person might have known the friend, but didn't get along with her until later on.

A v̶e̶r̶y̶ ̶g̶o̶o̶d̶ spectacular read for a rough draft. I don't know when/if I'll get to reading the other two.

Spoilers:
So, the two are head over heels, but they go their separate ways after the sex is over? And this happens repeatedly? Did I read that correctly?

The title found it's way into the story, but is it really that much of a catch phrase that exemplifies the story? It doesn't have to, but even "hills like white elephants" had a meaning, albeit a very obtuse perspective of it...

 

[AinslieCaswell]

re: cheap shot feedback

Thank you very much for the thoughtful details provided. Now that I have reviewed my notes, Cheap Shot is actually the only one of these 3 stories which has not passed through the editor I've been using. So, it's the only true rough draft here. I do have a tendency to be long-winded, use too many commas, and sometimes use confusing/repetitive language. So, it's some of the stuff I hope other people's eyes see when they view the work.

"Your voice gives you away. You call back to someone you are with, and my ears perk. By that time, you are sidling up next to me, getting ready to say something." It jumped a little there. It went from the first person realizing the online ex-bo was there, to him suddenly recognizing the first person was there, without mentioning it, or am I missing something?

You seem to be correct, here. These two things essentially happen at the same time, and I'm attempting to convey it from her POV. He spotted her first, and he attempted to slide up next to her and say hi without her seeing him. If he hadn't called back to his friends, she wouldn't have recognized his voice moments beforehand, and been able to anticipate him. I added this small nuance as a means to indicate how well they know each other (or, at least, how well she knows him). She's able to pick out his voice in a crowded bar, and it significantly impacts her. It also mildly ruins his arrival. He's not as slick as he thinks he is.

The friend of the first person, is a much older friend of the ex-bo, over the first person, but she's clueless about their on-again/off-again relationship? She must not be a close friend?

It's not my intention for her to be older, but if that's your perception, it's not a problem. You can think of her however you wish. It's incidental. She's a friend of both of theirs, and simply there to illustrate that, as their friend, she was unaware of their continued relationship, which was hidden from public view. In my mind, she's the same age, same year, has known both of them for a long time, was simply in the same large social circle, and (like many others) had no idea these two kept going at it long after their formal relationship ended.

A pet-peeve of mine: do you speak in three letter acronyms, or are you trying to censor yourself? It took me a little while to figure out what DTF meant (yes, I'm old).

lol, it's okay. It wasn't about the language or censoring. I'm approaching writing these stories as, I guess, upbeat contemporary pieces. So, I'm not shying away from contemporary language. DTF is, as I'm sure you found out by now, "down to fuck." I don't go to the trouble of defining it in the text, because I thought it was too patronizing to the reader, and no one in the story would need it defined for them. It felt forced, so I left it as it stands now. I knew that a certain aged reader (and below) would not need it defined for them, but others might. But since we are in an age of electronics being in reach of us nearly at all times, this is just one of those times you may need to reach for your phone and say, "Siri, what does DTF mean?" Otherwise, I felt like I ended up with a very child-like dialogue exchange in the story, explaining what the letters mean. But, my editor hasn't weighed in on this yet, either.

Okay, so, the relationship between the first person and the ex-bo has been an on-again/off-again thing, BUT, the first person has only been texting and wondering "where has this guy been?" at the boldness he suddenly displays??? Was the "relationship" that devoid of anything besides sex?

That may seem unclear because of the perception, in my mind, of how long this dance may have been going on. As you may have deduced after finishing the story, it is presumed that these two have known each other since early school years. They do have a deep intuitive connection, which they have since forced a lot of distance in, but they keep reconnecting physically because of a lack of self-control. In a nutshell, they have amazing chemistry, but terrible communication. Does that help clarify? Since these are meant to be short stories, I didn't want to add tons of backstory and exposition if it wasn't needed, but I also don't want things to be confusing to the point of distraction.

A couple points were still a little jarring to me. the statistician in me, likes lists, but seeing "A:... B:... broke the rhythm. I would have liked reading that a little less formulaically. Also, while informative, I could have done without knowing which muscle groups were being deployed. I don't believe subtracting those parts wouldn't have hurt the flow, none what so ever.

Do you mean the parts where she's weighing pros and cons? Is it at the bar, when she's being questioned by him, or when she's standing alone at the restroom doors? If so, I thought it helped that they remain in paragraph form and she doesn't list them as 1,2,3 or a,b,c. Is there anything else that would help soften those sections, so you don't get distracted?

Okay, so these two have known each other since high school, or earlier and yet the first person's friend has known him longer? from where??? Normally, most people know others from school. If that's the case, then all three went to school together?

My intention is simply that her other friend has known him from school also, but longer. Nothing very complicated. Some people have known each other since they were in grade school, other people don't meet until middle school or high school, depending on how your system works or where you moved to/from. Again, I didn't want to clutter things up with details that don't get referenced again.

So, the two are head over heels, but they go their separate ways after the sex is over? And this happens repeatedly? Did I read that correctly?

Ultimately, yes, that's their history, even before sex was part of their relationship, and it's why their dynamic is so complicated. The exposition at the top of the story is meant to show that they don't live in the same place anymore, and haven't for some time, so there's only so much that they talk about when it comes to "us" each time this happens. But, at the same time, neither of them says no whenever these opportunities present themselves.

The title found it's way into the story, but is it really that much of a catch phrase that exemplifies the story? It doesn't have to, but even "hills like white elephants" had a meaning, albeit a very obtuse perspective of it...

Yeah, this is where I'm an annoying artsy person... I'm potentially prepping these for live narration, and would like to intro them with music. The titles are corresponding song titles that I feel connect with the story, on some level. In some instances, I have found myself using the word/phrase in the story organically, and the song choice/title emerge just as organically. ex. I wrote "Everything," named it something else, my editor read it, and suggested I change it to "Everything" because I used the word so much in the text. Turns out, there's was a song by the same artist (as the original title/song I gave the story) that I could switch it to. Other times, I write the story, the song choice emerges at the same time, and I insert the title into the text consciously. So, while there are several layers to my reasoning behind titling, I do want it to seem like it makes sense, and I want to be flexible.

 

[lovecraft68]

Okay, great.

My reasoning behind the format still stands.




Uh, okay.

Is there a reason several of you feel the need to get all holier-than-thou, and remind writers that there will always be those who hate what they put out? Or.... do you have anything valuable to add?

No?

In Keith's case he's pointing out that the style you're using is reminiscent of second person, which as its difficult to maintain, often is not used correctly. However, and proof to what I said, you have a type of 1st/2nd person hybrid going.

Meaning I would take his remark as being actual constructive feedback. If second is what you want, try finding some examples of it and seeing how it works. If you weren't 'going' for a certain thing and this is your style? That's fine, but you will hear people mention it.

As for the first responder he's remarking about his personal preference, but trying to tell you 50% of people will bump off? No.

I get his intent is 50% as in putting off male or female, but its hardly accurate, and a projection of his personal feelings. As a male, I have no problem with making 'me', as the reader, female, maybe that's because I am not suffering from cold male insecurity, or am just open minded enough to enjoy different perspectives.

Trust me, no one here knows 50% of the readership So....take that one with a grain of salt.

As for me? The style doesn't put me off, but it does take some getting used to and that can detract from the actual story. I read through two pages and the story isn't bad at all, but I would suggest more a straight up "I" first person approach, easier to understand and follow.

But that's my opinion, so do whatever makes you happy because the best thing about this site is there is a readership for every kink and style here and the more you write the better chance they will find and follow you


Good luck.

 

[AinslieCaswell]

However, and proof to what I said, you have a type of 1st/2nd person hybrid going.

And I don't have a problem with that. It's the way I have found I am able to write the best, and works for me the best.

Meaning I would take his remark as being actual constructive feedback.

I dismissed it, due to it's overly lengthy condescending explanation, and further unnecessary elaboration that many people will dislike the content. We already covered that. The motive there, as pointed out by the other poster, seemed to be to be "right" about something. No value about the actual stories. A quick spin through his other posts seems to reveal the same. Color me shocked.

As for the first responder he's remarking about his personal preference, but trying to tell you 50% of people will bump off? No.

Also, correct. I have a tendency to tell egotistical people to shove their blatantly incorrect "data" rather than ignore them. It's a character flaw of mine. I should probably not engage, but... here I am.

but I would suggest more a straight up "I" first person approach, easier to understand and follow.

While I'm happy to hear how many people may have this piece of feedback as I go through this development process (to gauge what the readership success may be), the format is likely not going anywhere, for me. I find this way of writing my pieces deeply personal, the most successful for my output, flows into the intimate scenes very well, and it translates to audio with heightened passion in a way that other narratives do not. And it's also why I want the writing to be as tight/clear as possible in other ways, and I'm seeking out multiple avenues of editing.

Thank you, as well, for your thoughtful response.

 

[NotWise]

I read "Everything," which is different from saying that I read everything -- even in this story.

Your story-telling approach is unique in my experience and, as with all things creative, there's a risk of it not working. Some of it worked for me. Most of it didn't.

I don't understand the genre you're writing for, so maybe some of my opinions are off target. I think my biggest problem is that I didn't know the characters. They didn't even have names, and at the end of the story I knew little more about them than I did at the beginning. You gave me no way to connect with them. I wasn't even sure that your narrator was talking to a guy (as opposed to a lesbian in a tuxedo) until the sex started.

And then I skimmed ahead as soon as I understood how you approached the sex scenes. It was long and detailed. Some of your audience is there for nothing more than the sex, but that isn't why I read, and it did nothing for me. I actually wanted a story, but there wasn't one, and that made the rest of my effort go very quickly.

The story also didn't ring true to me as a "first time" -- either as their first time together or their first sex. They were too confident. They were too relaxed. They understood too much about what was happening and how.

Having the first-person narrator tell the reader the reader's own story is an unusual choice. It will probably work better in narration than it does in reading. Otherwise, you seem to be a competent writer, and I'm not going to nitpick details.

 

[AinslieCaswell]

I think my biggest problem is that I didn't know the characters. They didn't even have names, and at the end of the story I knew little more about them than I did at the beginning. You gave me no way to connect with them.

My editor said something similar about this specific story. I'm not shocked. This one was my first completed piece, and was written by accident. My approach was similar to classic erotica, where there are sex scenes with very little plot/exposition. If lots of details about their relationship were provided, I was concerned it would turn into something much more rambling and lengthy.

I mentioned this above, but my rationale for not naming them is for the reader to be able to place themselves in the story as appropriate, and/or for the stories to be as fluid to interpretation as possible. Many people have "friends with benefits" and I think many people will be able to see some version of themselves, or relationships of theirs, in these characters. If I box them in with too many specific fictional details, yes, it makes them unique, but it may keep readers from being able to identify.

I wasn't even sure that your narrator was talking to a guy (as opposed to a lesbian in a tuxedo) until the sex started.

Interesting. There are gendered pronouns used leading up to the sex scene... or maybe that's more in the other pieces....

However, I'm not disappointed with that piece of feedback. Again, I like the idea of the stories being flexible for a wider audience reading them, because it's semi-ambiguous for a while.

The story also didn't ring true to me as a "first time" -- either as their first time together or their first sex. They were too confident. They were too relaxed. They understood too much about what was happening and how.

Fair. The dynamic of their relationship is that they have known each other a long time, and it's referenced in the text they have been sexual with each other multiple times before, just not via regular intercourse. Privately, my narrative is that he is a virgin and she is not. I don't mention that in the text because I don't want to implant any social stigmas in the reader's mind that don't need to be there. If he needs to come across as more nervous, or more on edge, that doesn't sounds crazy to me.

 

[MetaBob]

I'm already in the leagues, thanks. I work in this genre professionally, just not as a writer. I do not see this use of narrative in the genre, at a professional level. However, I see a strong interest in it when I work with clients one-on-one.

To be honest, the piece I looked over looks more like a script than a story. This is to be expected, given your background, and is not a negative -- I know voice actors / script writers who make six figures doing what they do in this genre, loving every moment of their creative existence, as do their many fans. So in my experience, the style of writing you've shown here is not particularly unusual, though some here might think so and react accordingly rather than appreciating it (and providing feedback) for what it *is* rather than trying to make your square peg fit their round hole.

Keep writing! It's good!

 

[LWulf]

So, it's the only true rough draft here. I do have a tendency to be long-winded, use too many commas, and sometimes use confusing/repetitive language.

Careful there, someone is going to start thinking you're an "alt" of me. heh heh Well, you know your own weaknesses, so I won't belabor the point. However, as someone who has spur scars from many encounters, NEVER admit to any weaknesses in front of- *looks around* "-them." They'll key in on any admittance as a sign of weakness and ride you into the ground, all the while lording their self-esteem and using your admittance like a whip, to prove your attempt to do anything "new" or "different" as only a true sign of your "ignorance."

This is why I liked the area of the forum, called "Story Discussion Circle" because it limited the raving lunatics (hyperbole and generalism, but not by much). Unfortunately, the "raving lunatics" took exception to being reigned in there, and therefore avoided it, until that area was mothballed.

It's not my intention for her to be older, but if that's your perception, it's not a problem.

I didn't mean older meaning age, I meant older meaning longer. In the same manner as when you explain to someone "we're old friends."

lol, it's okay. It wasn't about the language or censoring. I'm approaching writing these stories as, I guess, upbeat contemporary pieces. So, I'm not shying away from contemporary language. DTF is, as I'm sure you found out by now, "down to fuck."

*record scratch* ...you mean it doesn't mean "Drunker Than Fuck???"

"Siri, what does DTF mean?" Otherwise, I felt like I ended up with a very child-like dialogue exchange in the story, explaining what the letters mean. But, my editor hasn't weighed in on this yet, either.

Actually, Siri and I don't talk. I keep her tied and gagged in the basement. I usually use urban dictionary if I can't figure out the odd modern phrase or TLA/FLA. However, TLA (and FLA's) aren't always defined in Urban Dictionary.

On a side note, isn't the definition of "down to fuck" = what every man is???

That may seem unclear because of the perception, in my mind, of how long this dance may have been going on. ... In a nutshell, they have amazing chemistry, but terrible communication. Does that help clarify?

Yes it does, but I might suggest you make your story agree with that statement. You have them professing truths to each other towards the end, which is when walls of contention in a troublesome relationship usually start to come down. You might want to amend the ending of the story where the two "fall back into predictable patterns" in a more obvious way.

Do you mean the parts where she's weighing pros and cons? Is it at the bar, when she's being questioned by him, or when she's standing alone at the restroom doors? If so, I thought it helped that they remain in paragraph form and she doesn't list them as 1,2,3 or a,b,c. Is there anything else that would help soften those sections, so you don't get distracted?

Um... actually, both. I hate "giving away the homeworld" as that reduces your creative efforts, but I don't see another way to give suggestions to avoid confusion. You could use internal dialogue, which you seem to have down pat, but with less "categories", or you could use a "on the one hand..." phrase opposed to listing pros and cons. My view is that colons should only be used for instructional books (but that's my own dig). It might be semantics, but a "wordy" expression in making a decision, is better than actually stating "pro's and con's."

My intention is simply that her other friend has known him from school also, but longer. Nothing very complicated. Some people have known each other since they were in grade school, other people don't meet until middle school or high school, depending on how your system works or where you moved to/from. Again, I didn't want to clutter things up with details that don't get referenced again.

No, I completely get what you mean from what you wrote. More so later, than earlier in the story. When I write commentary, I write it as I'm reading so I don't have to backtrack later, or remember some nuance concept that fluttered through my head before I thought of two other things to say. The end result is that I express myself as a reader develops understanding of the story; some earlier commentary may be contrary to later commentary.

Ultimately, yes, that's their history, even before sex was part of their relationship, and it's why their dynamic is so complicated. The exposition at the top of the story is meant to show that they don't live in the same place anymore, and haven't for some time, so there's only so much that they talk about when it comes to "us" each time this happens. But, at the same time, neither of them says no whenever these opportunities present themselves.

I used to know a couple like that in high school (maybe everyone knew a couple like that in high school). It's an interesting concept to follow where such a couple would be, if they kept bumping into each other, over the years. They both grew older, but didn't grow up, and thus keep repeating the same mistakes. Another way to put it, is "three parts passion, two parts teeth." However, I'll reassert that you may need to put a stronger representation of that contention after the sex. A "that was just said in the heat of the moment, right?" "What do you mean by that?" sort of thing.
My point is, I don't see enough for them to "go their separate ways," or is this just an emotionally stunted form of not knowing what to say, after the sex they've had?

Yeah, this is where I'm an annoying artsy person... I'm potentially prepping these for live narration, and would like to intro them with music. The titles are corresponding song titles that I feel connect with the story, on some level. ...

Aha! Not so annoying as I now understand the creative side of it. That fills in the gaps. Never mind!

 

[ElectricBlue]

As for the first responder he's remarking about his personal preference, but trying to tell you 50% of people will bump off? No.

I get his intent is 50% as in putting off male or female, but its hardly accurate, and a projection of his personal feelings. As a male, I have no problem with making 'me', as the reader, female, maybe that's because I am not suffering from cold male insecurity, or am just open minded enough to enjoy different perspectives.

Trust me, no one here knows 50% of the readership So....take that one with a grain of salt.

My mistake. I didn't realise some people think "can" has the same meaning as "will." Perhaps I should have used the words "some" and "might."

But I see now that my poor choice of (semantically correct) words has also enabled a rigorous psychological assessment and informed commentary on gender insecurity and closed mindedness. Gee, who knew? Good job, LC, and welcome back, mate .

See, Ainslie, these feedback forums are really useful. Now I can save on my therapy bills, AND I've got salt on my egg for breakfast.

And I should apologise for not reading your content, but I won't, because I really, really don't like someone telling me I'm doing something when I know damn well I'm not doing it. It fucks up my id and my ego, and disembodies my psyche, leaving it floating in a cold and perilous place. I do hope you understand. Just a personal opinion mind; leave it by the door like a pair of wet shoes after a Sunday walk.

Good luck with your feedback thing, by the way. Half the fun of these forums are the thread hijacks, but they can get distracting.

As I say elsewhere, carry on .

 

[lovecraft68]

But I see now that my poor choice of (semantically correct) words has also enabled a rigorous psychological assessment and informed commentary on gender insecurity and closed mindedness. Gee, who knew? Good job, LC, and welcome back, mate .

Any time, I'll even wave the co-pay

 

[ElectricBlue]

Any time, I'll even wave the co-pay

You're a good man .

Anyway, did you get bored out in the big wide world, or is this another final tour, like all our favourite bands do? Curious minds and all that, people want to know.

 

[gordo12]

I agree with EB and Keith. I don't care for the POV. It put me right off. I read the first to the DTF line and then quit. The other two looked like a similar construct so I passed.

However I realized after that you're writing more for the audio than the audience. You might consider your style unique but it's not a quality reading fiction. As someone else said it's more of a script.

I've been reading on Lit for over twenty years now. I used to read around 10 stories a day. You do the math. If I clicked on your stories I'd be gone after the third line. The You is a dead giveaway.

If you're more interested in the production of the audio versions you'll do well, there was a lot I liked about the writing. If it's for reading I fear you're going to find it not popular. Different categories in Lit give different results. For instance in Loving Wives your scores would be decent...excellent even. In the categories you chose your scores are modest. That should tell you something.

ANDDDD while Keith requires no defense, he is the biggest commercial author here on Lit. He has thousands of stories, a publisher that looks after production and distribution of what he writes. He's been a professional editor in the book industry and has worked with authors whose names you'd recognize in a second.

I'd go back to his post and read it very carefully and listen. Or not. You seem pretty combative for someone asking for help.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

I agree with EB and Keith. I don't care for the POV. It put me right off. I read the first to the DTF line and then quit. The other two looked like a similar construct so I passed.

However I realized after that you're writing more for the audio than the audience. You might consider your style unique but it's not a quality reading fiction. As someone else said it's more of a script.

I've been reading on Lit for over twenty years now. I used to read around 10 stories a day. You do the math. If I clicked on your stories I'd be gone after the third line. The You is a dead giveaway.

If you're more interested in the production of the audio versions you'll do well, there was a lot I liked about the writing. If it's for reading I fear you're going to find it not popular. Different categories in Lit give different results. For instance in Loving Wives your scores would be decent...excellent even. In the categories you chose your scores are modest. That should tell you something.

ANDDDD while Keith requires no defense, he is the biggest commercial author here on Lit. He has thousands of stories, a publisher that looks after production and distribution of what he writes. He's been a professional editor in the book industry and has worked with authors whose names you'd recognize in a second.

I'd go back to his post and read it very carefully and listen. Or not. You seem pretty combative for someone asking for help.

Ditto to all this, except that I don’t have as much experience reading stories on Literotica and I read all of Cheap Shot.

To me, this read like a one-woman scene rather than narrative fiction, and at a high-level, it was kind of dull narrative fiction because nothing happened in the scene: two people with history had sex in a bathroom. I think the biggest disconnect was that, for erotic prose, the sex just wasn’t very sexy; there were high details of each nuance of the mechanics, but almost no sensory or emotional detail—and even an aside in the middle of the sex scene. However, I’d imagine that a performance could supplement all that with gesture, tone and phrasing to produce a very sexy scene.

 

[GroverLang]

The important words - feedback welcome

Hi there,

I'm Ainslie, new to Literotica, but not to the romance/erotica game. I am an existing narrator, dipping my toe into the arena of original writing.

I am prepping this original material for indie publication and narration, and possible live performance later this year. I am in the midst of revisions and editing, and thought this was a good community to bounce some concepts off of.

Feedback welcome. Thanks. .

I put my first story in feedback and got a lot of comments. Some I agreed with and some I didn’t. Some I considered constructive and some destructive. Sometimes I was right and sometimes wrong but I did read EVERY comment more than once and thought about what the writer had said.

You’ve had the courage to do what thousands of other writers have not or, maybe, will never do. You’ve put your head above the parapet. There are hundreds of stories submitted every day by new writers and how many of them ask for feedback? I appreciate many will think they don’t require advice, even when their stories rate 2.0, because they think they’re marvellous but that’s up to them.

Stories generally get thousands of views but very few comments. Asking for comments here is a sensible thing to do. But you can’t be thick skinned. I was really down in the dumps after I was ******** but then I decided to take in the criticism, good and bad, and resolved to do better next time.


As for the story itself. I quite like the basic idea but did find it confusing at first as to the sex of everyone. Without naming the characters you could have made it more obvious who they were. I don’t know what pace you intended it to be read at but I found myself automatically reading at a frenetic pace until about half way through. Perhaps it’s just me. As for sex in a story I like a story in which the sex is an integral part of A STORY not where a story is wound around the sex. I write sex scenes, as part of a story, because that’s the nature of the site but many writers, and this is not a reference to you, write them as “wham bam thank you mam” which many readers, including me, will skip right over, as has been already mentioned. In which event the thought and time the writer has put into the writing has been wasted.

Keith D and Electric Blue know what they are talking about and as for Lovecraft, in my opinion, he’s right there in the top strata of writers on this site. One final point is, and this is only my personal opinion, I hate things like ur and fyi, and DTF, being used either here or on social media on the assumption I will know what it means. I don’t want to stop reading to try and find out what something means before I can go back to reading the story. Too many and I don’t go back.

Once again I applaud you for your courage. Don’t waste it.