Sexless marriage

[Klasychic78]

How do you deal with 8 years of my marriage being sexless? Anyone else going through this? Husband knows my feelings as I have been very vocal about it. I never thought I would be in this kind of relationship. I am very sensual, passionate and sexual and I am dying inside, because of it. He travels a lot for work and so hard to get counseling for it. We are seeking solutions for that, although I have to admit I have my doubts he will work on the issues. He would be devastated if I left him. He is crazy about me, but has not worked on some of the physical and emotional issues needed to solve the problem. I have been very kind and patient, trying not to destroy his ego. I think I have enabled him, because I have not drawn a line in the sand until now. I do not want a failed marriage. Very frustrated and wanted to see if anyone else is going through the same thing. My first post. Thank you.

 

[vibes]

You will find many people in your position, maybe if only for a period of their married life; it's not fair a spouse should face this

 

[kentuckymtnman]

You are definitely not alone. And though 90% of the people who post about this are men, I think the real ratio is more like 2:1 men to women. Overall women are more patient with this and less vocal about it.

You will find a very supportive community here, and a group of men who are pigs whom I encourage you to ignore. The majority of the men and women here are wonderful and will support, encourage, counsel and commiserate. Be reserved with personal information as there are fake profiles and stalkers, again a small percentage just be prudent and have a nice time. You’ll make good friends and find good counsel.

Welcome and good luck!

 

[30bandits]

this is so difficult for me to think a female has this issue, and wants/desires more intimacy...best of luck...

 

[GabrielDP]

sent you a PM...

 

[wildchild24143]

How do you deal with 8 years of my marriage being sexless? Anyone else going through this? Husband knows my feelings as I have been very vocal about it. I never thought I would be in this kind of relationship. I am very sensual, passionate and sexual and I am dying inside, because of it. He travels a lot for work and so hard to get counseling for it. We are seeking solutions for that, although I have to admit I have my doubts he will work on the issues. He would be devastated if I left him. He is crazy about me, but has not worked on some of the physical and emotional issues needed to solve the problem. I have been very kind and patient, trying not to destroy his ego. I think I have enabled him, because I have not drawn a line in the sand until now. I do not want a failed marriage. Very frustrated and wanted to see if anyone else is going through the same thing. My first post. Thank you.

Sexless relationships are difficult, especially if one side wants to be physically intimate and the other doesn't have the desire. Many times the reasoning for lack of sexual interest is emotional needs aren't being met for this counseling could work. There are apps that you can use such as talks space where qualified counselors communicate via text, phone or web cam. I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels as I am a similar situation.

 

[Klasychic78]

Thank you, guys! It is the most trying situation I have dealt with and it is not an attraction issue. It is physical and emotional baggage that he has to work through. Stuff I had no clue about before we married. I have been more than patient. Very loving and trying to support him. Sometimes, people do not like to face their problems. He is older than me, has zero testosterone, travels 90% of the time and simply has disregarded my needs for 8 years. I have fallen out of love with him due to this issue and due to no intimacy in our relationship. I know couples fall in and out of love in marriage. I am his best friend and I have sacrificed so very much and I am just done getting the short end of the stick. I have an active fantasy and masturbation life, but it is not the same having sex with myself. I am sure all of you can relate. I see him through a different lense now. I want to try and give counseling a chance before considering other options. We have children and no one should have to feel like this. I almost feel trapped. What do you do if someone who proclaims to love and adore you so very much yet refuses to address the issue? I refuse to give up passion and my sexuality as it is the core of who I am. You have to make hard choices about your life. At this point, I am not looking for online play. I just need to figure my marriage out first. Thank you for those of you that commented.

 

[jayjay04]

Similar issue here.

Difficult because I do not want to "force" (for want of a better word) my gf to have sex, who wants sex with someone who is just going through the motions but at the same time, living without sex is not great.

 

[Fuzzy1975]

There is a whole other thread on this, ( Sexless Marriages) where I am sure a lot of people can offer you their advice/share experiences

 

[WillJ8787]

Thank you, guys! It is the most trying situation I have dealt with and it is not an attraction issue. It is physical and emotional baggage that he has to work through. Stuff I had no clue about before we married. I have been more than patient. Very loving and trying to support him. Sometimes, people do not like to face their problems. He is older than me, has zero testosterone, travels 90% of the time and simply has disregarded my needs for 8 years. I have fallen out of love with him due to this issue and due to no intimacy in our relationship. I know couples fall in and out of love in marriage. I am his best friend and I have sacrificed so very much and I am just done getting the short end of the stick. I have an active fantasy and masturbation life, but it is not the same having sex with myself. I am sure all of you can relate. I see him through a different lense now. I want to try and give counseling a chance before considering other options. We have children and no one should have to feel like this. I almost feel trapped. What do you do if someone who proclaims to love and adore you so very much yet refuses to address the issue? I refuse to give up passion and my sexuality as it is the core of who I am. You have to make hard choices about your life. At this point, I am not looking for online play. I just need to figure my marriage out first. Thank you for those of you that commented.

Klasy,

So very sorry about what your going through. I so empathize with the feeling you described as dying inside! I was in this situation not long ago and did actually make a decision to do something. Your gonna need lots of support from family and friends who understand you and will not judge you. Also, therapy is important. I did a very specific type that really worked for me. There are lots of types out there and it is important to find the one that works for you.

Dm me if you want to talk more. My heart goes out to you and you are entitled and deserve what you need and are asking for in a relationship. I wish you all the best.

Will

 

[dave_anon]

I've been going through this for more than 8 years and it takes time and clear head to get through it. Yes, it is emotionally and physically intense but what worked/works for me is emotionally separating marriage from sex. We still love each other and enjoy spending time together, but she is not into sex anymore. Not with me, not with anyone, not with herself either. She has just lost the libido and any desire to enjoy sex. Its not me, its her. We've had several discussions and rather than putting her in an awkward position where she is kinda forced to have sex with me because I need it more than her is not right. I have moved on. We are still intimate, but I can count on one hand for the past couple years. Try taking to him if there is anything you can do differently. If not, you would need to find other avenues, such as Lit or other sites where you would find thousands of folks in the same exact situation as you, and respectful of your situation and needs. Up to you to define your limits on how far you want to go to satisfy your urges. There is no right or wrong answer.

Good luck!

 

[Lost_Yonder]

For the many of us in similar situations, all for very different reasons, there is a friendly and supportive little niche that has been going on for some time: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1503158&page=90

feel free to share, vent, question, and just listen with others...

LY

 

[Dots_not_Feathers]

Yup...I know and I empathize. No easy answers. On one hand, you don't want to lose your marriage and on the other hand, you simply have needs which are not being met. SEX IS A VERY SMALL BUT A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF MARRIAGE. What caught my eye is the "8"!! At the tail-end of a torturous, sexless 8 year marriage myself!

 

[Jada59]

22 years. I think we had sex three times. Counseling didn't help. He didn't care. He was cheating all over the place. He wouldn't let me out of the marriage either. Then he finally divorced me. Yay!

One thing I noticed though is that you are expecting him to fix things. That's just not how it works. You can't expect him to change for you. Now obviously there is a problem. But you need to get to the root of that problem. And if he isn't going to help you with this, there's not much you can do.

Why does he have no interest in sex? Stress? Low T? Side of a medication? A medical condition? Maybe an undiagnosed medical condition?

You can try to talk to him about it without confronting him or accusing him. Do it in a loving fashion. But if he's not willing to talk or do anything about it, there's not much you can do.

 

[MikeHuntJus]

Wife's menopause and our middle age have caught up with us too, so no sex at home (that's why I hang out on lit).

Getting nervous as we are going on holidays soon and we will both "want" to but not sure if we "can".

Considering Viagra and lubricant.

??

 

[Dots_not_Feathers]

Can I be a friend to you...can do much else as I live in India now. Let me know and we can exchange email IDs and take it from there? Are we allowed to disclose our email IDs on this forum? I don't know...

 

[DDBustyBrit]

You should come and join us in the ‘Sexless Marriages’ thread here in Personals...we have been long established and discuss all issues and offer great support

You are so not alone!

 

[DDBustyBrit]

Wife's menopause and our middle age have caught up with us too, so no sex at home (that's why I hang out on lit).

Getting nervous as we are going on holidays soon and we will both "want" to but not sure if we "can".

Considering Viagra and lubricant.

??

Tell your wife to look into the Biote HRT implant for menopause - it is a life changer

 

[Polranny]

Tell your wife to look into the Biote HRT implant for menopause - it is a life changer

Let's hope for Mike it's a wife changer.
(Silly quip but i though it might help)
Tricky part will be persuading her to see her gp and give it a try

 

[MikeHuntJus]

will try it - thanks folks

 

[StarGazer58]

You definitely have a lot of company here on Lit. I believe the sexless marriage is more common than people would think and I am sure there are 100 different reasons why this happens but I believe you only have 4 options.

1) Your husband works through whatever issues he has and gets the desire for intimacy back.
2) You seek sex outside of the marriage
3) You meet your own needs
4) You just accept that you are in a sexless marriage and look for other diversions to find contentment and happiness.

Unfortunately sex is such a fraught subject that it can be hard to discuss.

 

[mcato]

Tell your wife to look into the Biote HRT implant for menopause - it is a life changer

i talk about this in the sexless marriages thread. we discovered it by accident. it is a life changer.

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=91780558#post91780558

 

[bensdesperate1]

Wow it's so good to know I'm not alone! It's really hard!! When she says she loves you yet there is no itmacy!! Hence why I found lit in the first place! But how long do you put up with it! The problem is with a young family I can't give it all up simply because I'm not getting any attention or emotional connection!

I feel for you all xx

 

[Polranny]

Yet another fight with the spouse last night. I have no idea and no real desire to live asexual but apparently she is perfectly content with that status. The more it is denied or ignored the more I obsess over it. It effects every aspect no matter what anyone says. How do you change or ignore a desire for sexuality? I’m not even talking about orgasms specifically- just some flirting and foreplay and a hint of desire. Argh!

I've been there, got the book, video and T-shirt. I've been sexless for years BUT she is still my best RW friend. Unless you're prepared to go for counselling I would say that the friendship is far more important, you can rootle and play with yourself ,go elsewhere or be celibate and still survive.

 

[naughtymind]

I really feel for you all. I personally cannot imagine being in a marriage with no sexual chemistry. With regards to staying put due to how much you might love each other in every other regard, I think I’d be concerned that the sexual frustration would eventually poison the relationship to a point where it would damage the love and respect we had for one another. I’d feel hurt, unappreciated, unwanted, and frankly unloved; so I can’t see how that wouldn’t affect every other aspect of the marriage and friendship. I’d have a very hard time justifying staying in such a marriage. Life is way too short, and it’s the only one you get!
I wish you all the best...