Feedback requested for story #2

[Rose_A_Leigh]

So my second story isn't performing as well as my first one did and I'm confused as to why. Would any of you lovely people be willing to read it and give your thoughts on how I can improve for future stories? Is it just too short? Did I put it in the wrong category? Is there not enough detail? I would appreciate any comments or CC you'd be willing to give. Thanks!

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-dark-alley

 

[Jada59]

It was short. I do like short but as someone said to me about my most recent story, it was more of a scene than a story. You did change tenses a bit. I am guilty of that too. And... I think you put it in the wrong category. Sounds like BDSM to me.

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's very short by Lit standards, less than a page. As Jada says, it might have run better in BDSM. But the main thing, I reckon, is the length. There not much to keep readers engaged.

 

[Rose_A_Leigh]

Thank you both. Do I just submit the story again with a note that the only thing different is the category? There are also things I've purposefully left out, such as physical descriptions of the characters. But I'm also not good at the "fluff and stuff" fillers lol.

 

[LesDesirable]

The first thing I would do is delete the first three paragraphs and begin with the start of the action. The scene setting can be done better during the encounter than as a prelude.

As others have noted, it is not a complete story but rather a sex scene which could be added to a complete story. No character development, making it just names.

If you clean up the writing, and add this kind of scene into a BDSM story, where the reader has a chance to know and care about Jade and Miles, you might have something.

 

[gordo12]

As others have said, it was short, just a sex scene. Which is fine for stroking, but not fulfilling for reading.

Where do they come from? Where do they go? What in their lives got them to this point? If there was a reason she called him Daddy I must have missed it.

I started out thinking the story was incest but it was in Erotic Couplings. That was puzzling and never got sorted, or again I missed it. I'm not a huge incest fan so I will admit I was skimming by the end. (that's a bad reaction from a reader)

So using terms that might imply incest when it's not, could make the fans pull back like I did. I actually stopped reading almost immediately and went back to check the tags. No bdsm, no incest tags.

Changing categories NOW won't help. Stories don't get a new run just because they swap categories. So what you have in score and comments is pretty much it.

Just leave it and call it a learning lesson. Move on. You can use the scene in a bigger story if you like.

The above is not a negative opinion of the story I did like the overall idea. Just wasn't clear on the WHY of it.

JMO

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

As others have said, it was short, just a sex scene. Which is fine for stroking, but not fulfilling for reading.

Where do they come from? Where do they go? What in their lives got them to this point? If there was a reason she called him Daddy I must have missed it.

I started out thinking the story was incest but it was in Erotic Couplings. That was puzzling and never got sorted, or again I missed it. I'm not a huge incest fan so I will admit I was skimming by the end. (that's a bad reaction from a reader)

So using terms that might imply incest when it's not, could make the fans pull back like I did. I actually stopped reading almost immediately and went back to check the tags. No bdsm, no incest tags.

Changing categories NOW won't help. Stories don't get a new run just because they swap categories. So what you have in score and comments is pretty much it.

Just leave it and call it a learning lesson. Move on. You can use the scene in a bigger story if you like.

The above is not a negative opinion of the story I did like the overall idea. Just wasn't clear on the WHY of it.

JMO

Ditto.

I think that most readers need a bit more context of who the characters are, what they’re doing and what their objectives are, even for a quick stroke piece. There was so little context that I couldn’t even understand the relationship between Jade and Miles, and I write DD/lg I/T.

As gordo pointed out, changing categories at this point won’t change your score or reintroduce/republish the story, but I’m sure you could gain a lot from studying what did/not work and applying to your current WIPs. I hope this is helpful, and wish you good luck with your writing!

 

[Rose_A_Leigh]

Ditto.

I think that most readers need a bit more context of who the characters are, what they’re doing and what their objectives are, even for a quick stroke piece. There was so little context that I couldn’t even understand the relationship between Jade and Miles, and I write DD/lg I/T.

As gordo pointed out, changing categories at this point won’t change your score or reintroduce/republish the story, but I’m sure you could gain a lot from studying what did/not work and applying to your current WIPs. I hope this is helpful, and wish you good luck with your writing!

I appreciate everyone’s opinions. I see now that short pieces aren’t what people are looking for on this site usually. I’m hoping a change in category will attract readers who will enjoy it, not “reboot “ the ratings. I get that those will stay the same. So maybe I’ll change it anyway.

Yes, context about the relationship should have been included, that's a great point by you and gordo. I personally don't enjoy reading incest stories so I guess I assumed since I didn't mention that it was, people would know that it wasn't.

Thank you for your insights, I know better for next time. I do have a few WIPs, I just need to finish them and get them posted. I'm great at starting stories but not so great at finishing them LOL.

 

[gordo12]

Just a suggestion for you. There is only one person on Lit that reads, processes and makes changes to ALL the stories. That is Laurel and as you can imagine it's a lot of work. 7 days a week. And they've been doing it for over twenty years.

Most of us try not to burden the system with small issues such as this. I've made my own mistakes, even requested things that turned out to be mistakes and moved on. Reuse the scene elsewhere, it was good that way, but move on.

 

[SimonDoom]

A few thoughts:

1. As of right now your story has about 1900 views, so I'm guessing it has fewer than 30 votes. That's not enough to give you a really good idea how people like it. You have to wait and see if any low votes get swept away. Probably, they will. Then you'll have a higher score, most likely.

2. As others have noted, this story is very short, and there's no buildup. We don't know who the characters are and we are not invested in them in any way. Some readers do like stories this short but enough find them unsatisfying that they give them lower grades.

3. Your writing/prose are fine, so that's not a problem, but if I were you I would handle dialogue differently, making sure each line of dialogue is in a separate paragraph. As it is, the dialogue is buried inside paragraphs of narrative. That's less enjoyable for the reader.

4. Your story is somewhat erotically unfocused. It has elements of exhibitionism, fetish, BDSM, girlfriend (or wife?) sharing, and incest role play. It's somewhat neither here nor there. Readers come to Literotica stories, typically, with well-defined erotic tastes, and they want stories that cater to those tastes. You published your other story in BDSM, so it's no wonder that it did better than a story posted to Erotic Couplings, which is a default category with the least erotic focus of any category. You would have a higher score if you chose to focus the eroticism more sharply and post it in a different and more defined category.

5. The cop element in this story didn't quite work for me. For one thing, it seems too unlikely. For another, you don't get to it until well after the sex has started, so it seems like something of an about-face. I'd say either get rid of the cop part of the story, OR make it the focus of the story and shorten some of the sex that comes before it. I'd try to foreshadow it, too. Have Miles make a statement to her about how many cops there were in the area, and they have to be careful.

6. Your POV shifts too much. I think the story would be better if you focused on the POV of just one of the three characters, probably Miles or Jade rather than the cop. The story takes on a clearer erotic focus if it's told from the POV of just one character in a short story like this.

Don't be discouraged. Your writing is fine, and you just happened to write a story that, because of its length, erotic subject matter, and chosen category, faces an uphill battle for getting a top score. But that doesn't mean the score represents its quality, especially with such a small sample size of votes.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

A few thoughts:

1. As of right now your story has about 1900 views, so I'm guessing it has fewer than 30 votes. That's not enough to give you a really good idea how people like it. You have to wait and see if any low votes get swept away. Probably, they will. Then you'll have a higher score, most likely.

2. As others have noted, this story is very short, and there's no buildup. We don't know who the characters are and we are not invested in them in any way. Some readers do like stories this short but enough find them unsatisfying that they give them lower grades.

3. Your writing/prose are fine, so that's not a problem, but if I were you I would handle dialogue differently, making sure each line of dialogue is in a separate paragraph. As it is, the dialogue is buried inside paragraphs of narrative. That's less enjoyable for the reader.

4. Your story is somewhat erotically unfocused. It has elements of exhibitionism, fetish, BDSM, girlfriend (or wife?) sharing, and incest role play. It's somewhat neither here nor there. Readers come to Literotica stories, typically, with well-defined erotic tastes, and they want stories that cater to those tastes. You published your other story in BDSM, so it's no wonder that it did better than a story posted to Erotic Couplings, which is a default category with the least erotic focus of any category. You would have a higher score if you chose to focus the eroticism more sharply and post it in a different and more defined category.

5. The cop element in this story didn't quite work for me. For one thing, it seems too unlikely. For another, you don't get to it until well after the sex has started, so it seems like something of an about-face. I'd say either get rid of the cop part of the story, OR make it the focus of the story and shorten some of the sex that comes before it. I'd try to foreshadow it, too. Have Miles make a statement to her about how many cops there were in the area, and they have to be careful.

6. Your POV shifts too much. I think the story would be better if you focused on the POV of just one of the three characters, probably Miles or Jade rather than the cop. The story takes on a clearer erotic focus if it's told from the POV of just one character in a short story like this.

Don't be discouraged. Your writing is fine, and you just happened to write a story that, because of its length, erotic subject matter, and chosen category, faces an uphill battle for getting a top score. But that doesn't mean the score represents its quality, especially with such a small sample size of votes.

And ditto to all Simon’s points, especially don’t be discouraged or make too much of the score. Best of luck!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Thank you both. Do I just submit the story again with a note that the only thing different is the category? There are also things I've purposefully left out, such as physical descriptions of the characters. But I'm also not good at the "fluff and stuff" fillers lol.

I'd move on and write another story. By the time you get a category change over the line, the story will be off the Category front page and no-one new will see it, so what's done is done.

Write another one, you'll develop as a writer much faster. Good luck.

 

[yukonnights]

Rose_A_Leigh, I'm going to just say ditto in regard to the lack of a complete story. But, it's already been said that you write well. I'm going to suggest that you do a little homework on literally How to Write Fiction.

I just did a quick search and here's a link to some basics to get you started: https://englishsummary.com/6-elements-fiction/

Hope this helps, and best wishes for finding your author's groove

 

[Rose_A_Leigh]

Thanks everyone. I definitely appreciate all your insight and helpful comments. I will take them into consideration for future stories.