Is my story *that* bad?

[Jada59]

My Valentine's story is rapidly tanking. It started at 5 stars and is now my worst rated. Yes, it is short. Yes, I made a typo. Yes, it is vanilla. Anyone see any glaring errors that I might have missed? I know I have an issue with tenses. I did try to be careful.

Here's the link:

https://www.literotica.com/s/my-burrito

Thanks!

 

[yukonnights]

Just read it. I wouldn't say what you wrote is bad. However, it really is more of a scene than a complete story. I enjoyed what you wrote, but can see where some might have been expecting more. The lack of comments makes it hard for you to know what others might think, but that's my guess.

 

[KeithD]

Since there's so much going on in voting maneuvering in the themed contests, there's no use predicting what the scores are or are doing with a contest story until the last sweeps are done right before the winners are announced. Your concern and questions are premature.

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's very short.

But as KeithD notes, it's in a contest and the contest games are still running. Fret this time next month, I'd say.

 

[Jada59]

Just read it. I wouldn't say what you wrote is bad. However, it really is more of a scene than a complete story. I enjoyed what you wrote, but can see where some might have been expecting more. The lack of comments makes it hard for you to know what others might think, but that's my guess.

True. Thanks. It was hard to make it much longer because it was just for that specific night. My longer stories have a longer time span.

 

[Jada59]

It's very short.

But as KeithD notes, it's in a contest and the contest games are still running. Fret this time next month, I'd say.

Aha. My prior Valentine's story while not my highest rating, did go up some long after the contest ended.

 

[Jada59]

Since there's so much going on in voting maneuvering in the themed contests, there's no use predicting what the scores are or are doing with a contest story until the last sweeps are done right before the winners are announced. Your concern and questions are premature.

Thanks for your response.

 

[KeithD]

Thanks for your response.

I (the sr71plt account) won second place in one of the contests a couple of years ago that had a rating of 4.35 and no comments the night before the contest voting closed.

 

[Jada59]

I (the sr71plt account) won second place in one of the contests a couple of years ago that had a rating of 4.35 and no comments the night before the contest voting closed.

Wow. The first year I entered a contest, it seemed that most stories were incest. I just don't do that. I think the winner was incest though. Mine is currently 3.88.

 

[yukonnights]

Wow. The first year I entered a contest, it seemed that most stories were incest. I just don't do that. I think the winner was incest though. Mine is currently 3.88.

I'm pretty sure it'll change for the better. Mine has been all over the place this year. I don't expect it to be one of my best, due mostly to my own mistake. I intended it for the Group category, but it ended up in Fetish. I don't think it was written with enough focus on any one specific fetish to do very well there. Writing them is the easy part — navigating the site and all the little nuances is the hard part

I really did like your writing though, and think the length is what disappointed some readers.

EDIT: When I say I don't think it'll be one of my best; I mean the score. I'm really pretty pleased with the way it turned out. It was experimental for me, a style I hope to hone. I got some good feedback to the effect; 'A page turner...", "We couldn't put it down until the end..", etc.

My number one goal is to try to master this immediacy — need more practice though.

 

[Jada59]

I'm pretty sure it'll change for the better. Mine has been all over the place this year. I don't expect it to be one of my best, due mostly to my own mistake. I intended it for the Group category, but it ended up in Fetish. I don't think it was written with enough focus on any one specific fetish to do very well there. Writing them is the easy part — navigating the site and all the little nuances is the hard part

I really did like your writing though, and think the length is what disappointed some readers.

EDIT: When I say I don't think it'll be one of my best; I mean the score. I'm really pretty pleased with the way it turned out. It was experimental for me, a style I hope to hone. I got some good feedback to the effect; 'A page turner...", "We couldn't put it down until the end..", etc.

My number one goal is to try to master this immediacy — need more practice though.

Thanks! *Hug*

 

[gordo12]

But I got such a laugh out of your "burrito" thing it made the whole story worthwhile regardless. With so many forgettable stories the "burrito" is sticking in my head like the "Martian Slut Ray".

You created a brain worm

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Out of curiosity, how many votes?

 

[Jada59]

But I got such a laugh out of your "burrito" thing it made the whole story worthwhile regardless. With so many forgettable stories the "burrito" is sticking in my head like the "Martian Slut Ray".

You created a brain worm

Hehehe!

 

[Jada59]

Out of curiosity, how many votes?

48 now. One comment. Positive. People have messaged me to say they gave me5 stars and it yet it remains at 3.88.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

48 now. One comment. Positive. People have messaged me to say they gave me5 stars and it yet it remains at 3.88.

Ouch. No, it’s by no means that bad. Wait for a sweep.

 

[fuzzler]

I didn't comment, however, it's excellent. Very well developed even for a short.

 

[Jada59]

I didn't comment, however, it's excellent. Very well developed even for a short.

Thanks! It's going up. Not quite a 4 yet.

 

[LesDesirable]

It has the problems you mentioned with tense. Typos are minor and only noticed on careful examination.

You used the passive voice too often for my liking, and had several misplaced modifiers. Clauses out of place, or improperly punctuated to get the effect you sought. You skipped over some of the action in places to get to the next scene.

I would really have enjoyed the first burrito scene being described as the complete sensual experience the story was building towards at that point. I was left empty when the entire, blindfold build-up, walk through, and everything stopped with a simple grope and feeding.

Why not describe the peppers, flavours, textures, heat, and spice, then return to that later with your second "burrito". As you wrote it, it was simply foreplay with in a place with food, rather than food as the foreplay.

I had the feeling that you had an idea, sat down and 45 minutes later, hit "submit".

Overall not bad, but it could have been so much more if fleshed out and edited.
I do not know if it deserves to be 3.88 or 4.51. It does not deserve to be 4.92.

 

[Sy23]

Have to agree with yukonnighs that this is more a scene than a fully developed story with plot. However, for what it is, I felt it was very well written. I rated it a four star, simply for the way it put across an enjoyable picture. I'd love to see you take this fragment as a starting point and develop it into a more complex story.

 

[sdsioux]

4.32 is pretty good. Good story

 

[MohanSingh]

It didn't hook me in.

 

[Charrla]

The opening paragraphs are a little choppy and all over the place. I couldn't get an image of the scene in my head. Now we're looking at a bowl of lentils and carrots. Now we see a man staring at a pad of paper. Now she's walking into the kitchen. Someone calls, and suddenly she's wearing ballet shoes. There's a mention of Amazon that's never explained. It almost feels like a dream state, in that random, unconnected things keep happening.

Then when we get to the real story, the date with Carlos, we're left wondering: what was the point of all of that? None of it ties into anything else. It's not setting the scene, or the mood. It feels like you just looked around your household and wrote down what you saw, in order to fill some space in these opening lines.

The rest of the story is a lot more cohesive, though some of it is a bit outlandish (the cook takes time off from work to pick her up and bring her to his job? And that's the big surprise? I was expecting more from the surprise).

The biggest issue is the weird, mostly irrelevant beginning. I get not wanting to jump into the sexy parts right away, but the introductory story development needs to have some purpose or destination. Not just random references to dogs and gardeners and lentils and Amazon and ballet slippers that don't seem to lead anywhere.

Overall, not terrible, though!

 

[Jada59]

Thanks everyone!

 

[Tickleyourpickle]

The only thing I could think of is that is a first person story, they sometimes don't do so well with the other sex reading it.
Also there isn't much of a story to it, I guess that's what you wanted though. It was a very hot sex scene though!