HT bring this up. And when?

[Jada59]

If only all guys were like Lit guys, there would be no problem. But they're not.

I have been putting myself out there on the local dating scene. Getting lots of guys who are interested. Some are scammers. Some just want sex with apparently any willing person. These are of no interest to me.

The problem is the ones I *am* interested in. I tell them I'm a writer. I do write all sorts of things. If they want a taste of my writing, I will pick a non-erotic poem that I think they will like. But...

How do I tell them about the erotic stuff? And when? I was talking to a guy who is at least somewhat famous locally (Don't want to give too many details). I did tell him that I write erotica among other things. Have not heard anything back.

Here are the scenarios I'm running across.

1. They think I'm a sex crazed fiend. Yeah, yeah, I can be. Shhh... Don't tell them!

2. They immediately think I will write stories about our every move, sexually. And I would with their permission but I certainly would not if they want to keep things private.

3. They are disgusted because they don't like porn. Not all of my erotic is porn but one story certainly is.

All this before they have even read any of my stuff like that. So... What to do? I may have already scared this one guy off. There's another I am interested in but am not entirely sure he's sincere and think he might just be looking for a hookup.

I know... I know... You all probably think I just want a hookup. It does sound good. But that's just not me. I usually like to get to know someone before we go at it. So...

When and how do I tell these guys? I would hate to go out with them a few times then have them drop me like a rock because of my writing. But I'm also not willing to give it up again like I did when I was married.

Help! Thanks!

 

[CandK_inSE]

We haven't been in the dating scene for over 15 years. From what we hear from friends, it's currently a nightmare trapped in a minefield. Good luck.

From my perspective as a guy, I'd be intrigued by it, but then again I'm a member here.

I would think Scenario 1 would happen anyway if you got that far with someone. Sex is a part of dating, and if you two have a connection, it's bound to happen. If you find the sex good, hot, etc., it might be a really good time to tell him about the erotica, as it may make it even hotter.

Scenario 2, again, if you've been with him for a while, it may not be a big deal. My wife has written some short fantasies and remembrances of us together. No names are used and there's no way to tell who we are or even where we are. I happen to love it. It shows a private side of her that only I know.

Scenario 3. This is a difficult one. Porn is strange. While it can be excellent for visuals for masturbation, it isn't as much a couples thing as one might think. The problem my wife and me have is that 95% of it is so unrealistic. There's nothing hotter than finding a video of a couple ENJOYING each other and it being real. Finding that is rare.

One other thing that wasn't around 15 years ago is the whole MeToo issue. Men are seriously afraid of this, and I think many who might be interested in your writing, would be very timid about getting involved as they may react to it in a way that, in their mind, may cause you to 'report' them for lack of a better word. That has caused a lot of fear in dating these days, to put it mildly.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is, wait until you've started a relationship and found out how he is with sex and his comfort level with you. If he seems to enjoy it and isn't 100% vanilla. Then bring it up. I don't think you'd be all that interested otherwise.

Hope this helps.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Rule One. If this is a dealbreaker, then they never were the right person for you.

Initially, first date time, it’s, “So what do you do in your spare time?” “I write fiction.” No need to go further.

Later in the dating process, when they’re asking for more detail, then you say you write erotica. If they flinch, it’s Rule One.

If they seem interested, want to know more, now you have to make a choice. If you know their kinks and what you write is likely to appeal to them, ok, maybe it’s time to show them.

If not, maybe you could suggest that the two of you collaborate on a story - they pick a theme and you (or both of you) write to that fantasy. There’s a reasonable chance that being part of the process will help them accept your secret identity, so to speak.

Second thought on that last. If you’re already ‘involved’, you could write a story about you two (no names, of course) or about one of your sexual adventures.

 

[jehoram]

Good luck on the dating, Jada. My only advice, really, is "to thine own self be true."

You can say you've written some erotica, and even show it to him if he asks. You don't have to say that you've written a lot of it, and published it on the internet. Let him read a story or two and get his reaction. If he's uptight about it, he's probably not the guy for you.

On the other hand, if his reaction is positive, then maybe let him in on the secret a little deeper.

It's really weird how this can turn out. I never knew my friend Athalia was into erotica until she showed me a piece she'd written years and years ago. That got me interested in writing it (or more accurately, giving myself permission to write it). We ended up persuading each other to publish here and on other fiction sites, and we usually edit each other's stuff. But we've never been in anything more than a friendly relationship ... either she was in a committed one when I wasn't, or I was in one when she wasn't.

And I have a feeling that she'd want to keep it that way, but I'm glad we shared that secret with each other.

 

[amofiga]

Not all guys are alike and not all guys are only interested in sex with anything that breathes. Some men actually do care about learning about you as a person. I think perhaps you know that. The problem with many of us here who would like to meet the ideal person locally is that this site spans the globe. The number of participants in any particular area is, I suspect, a very small percentage f the local population. The likelihood of meeting someone in your backyard is slim. So you find yourself communicating with those across the country or in another country. I try to make the best of that situation recognizing that 50 years ago before the internet, that opportunity would have been impossible.

 

[Jada59]

We haven't been in the dating scene for over 15 years. From what we hear from friends, it's currently a nightmare trapped in a minefield. Good luck.

From my perspective as a guy, I'd be intrigued by it, but then again I'm a member here.

I would think Scenario 1 would happen anyway if you got that far with someone. Sex is a part of dating, and if you two have a connection, it's bound to happen. If you find the sex good, hot, etc., it might be a really good time to tell him about the erotica, as it may make it even hotter.

Scenario 2, again, if you've been with him for a while, it may not be a big deal. My wife has written some short fantasies and remembrances of us together. No names are used and there's no way to tell who we are or even where we are. I happen to love it. It shows a private side of her that only I know.

Scenario 3. This is a difficult one. Porn is strange. While it can be excellent for visuals for masturbation, it isn't as much a couples thing as one might think. The problem my wife and me have is that 95% of it is so unrealistic. There's nothing hotter than finding a video of a couple ENJOYING each other and it being real. Finding that is rare.

One other thing that wasn't around 15 years ago is the whole MeToo issue. Men are seriously afraid of this, and I think many who might be interested in your writing, would be very timid about getting involved as they may react to it in a way that, in their mind, may cause you to 'report' them for lack of a better word. That has caused a lot of fear in dating these days, to put it mildly.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is, wait until you've started a relationship and found out how he is with sex and his comfort level with you. If he seems to enjoy it and isn't 100% vanilla. Then bring it up. I don't think you'd be all that interested otherwise.

Hope this helps.

Thank you! I have actually brought up the issue of sex with a few of these guys, especially if I thought all they wanted was sex. And it was! One guy said he wanted a relationship and sex. I said of course there would be sex if we had a relationship.

The one guy I did mention the writing to is a bit of a celebrity and his response was, "I think that's awesome!" So no worries there.

 

[Jada59]

Rule One. If this is a dealbreaker, then they never were the right person for you.

Initially, first date time, it’s, “So what do you do in your spare time?” “I write fiction.” No need to go further.

Later in the dating process, when they’re asking for more detail, then you say you write erotica. If they flinch, it’s Rule One.

If they seem interested, want to know more, now you have to make a choice. If you know their kinks and what you write is likely to appeal to them, ok, maybe it’s time to show them.

If not, maybe you could suggest that the two of you collaborate on a story - they pick a theme and you (or both of you) write to that fantasy. There’s a reasonable chance that being part of the process will help them accept your secret identity, so to speak.

Second thought on that last. If you’re already ‘involved’, you could write a story about you two (no names, of course) or about one of your sexual adventures.

Good advice! I do write things other than erotica. I just don't want a replay of what happened when I got married. He was attracted to my writing but refused to let me do it once married. Even denied me access to the Internet for some time. I will not go through that again.

 

[Jada59]

Good luck on the dating, Jada. My only advice, really, is "to thine own self be true."

You can say you've written some erotica, and even show it to him if he asks. You don't have to say that you've written a lot of it, and published it on the internet. Let him read a story or two and get his reaction. If he's uptight about it, he's probably not the guy for you.

On the other hand, if his reaction is positive, then maybe let him in on the secret a little deeper.

It's really weird how this can turn out. I never knew my friend Athalia was into erotica until she showed me a piece she'd written years and years ago. That got me interested in writing it (or more accurately, giving myself permission to write it). We ended up persuading each other to publish here and on other fiction sites, and we usually edit each other's stuff. But we've never been in anything more than a friendly relationship ... either she was in a committed one when I wasn't, or I was in one when she wasn't.

And I have a feeling that she'd want to keep it that way, but I'm glad we shared that secret with each other.

Thanks! So far I haven't shown them any of my stories and none have asked. But I would show them if they did.

 

[Jada59]

Not all guys are alike and not all guys are only interested in sex with anything that breathes. Some men actually do care about learning about you as a person. I think perhaps you know that. The problem with many of us here who would like to meet the ideal person locally is that this site spans the globe. The number of participants in any particular area is, I suspect, a very small percentage f the local population. The likelihood of meeting someone in your backyard is slim. So you find yourself communicating with those across the country or in another country. I try to make the best of that situation recognizing that 50 years ago before the internet, that opportunity would have been impossible.

Yes. But I recently joined a local FB group and also started using the FB dating app. It selects from people within a 50 mile radius unless you set different parameters. You can also put in more details about you and what you are looking for. I got 1 immediate response, 16 near immediate responses, 4 of which look appealing. Of course I've had the app for less than two days now. And two are already pushing to meet me.

One guy cracked me up. He looks very familiar to me. I think I have seen him around. I have a feeling he used to work at a restaurant that is no longer open. I did ask him where he works. He said a restaurant in Seattle, but not which one.

I said I wanted to know more about him before we met. His response was that he could cook me tacos, fajitas (rattled off a list of Mexican foods) and what more did I need to know!? Ha. Seems he already knows me well. And he's a dancer. And 35. Yum in so many ways! We'll see though.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Good advice! I do write things other than erotica. I just don't want a replay of what happened when I got married. He was attracted to my writing but refused to let me do it once married. Even denied me access to the Internet for some time. I will not go through that again.

You’re well quit of that.

 

[Jada59]

You’re well quit of that.

Yes indeed. Onward and upward!

 

[yukonnights]

It seems to me that you are approaching the whole search for the right guy in too focused a way. Dating apps suck in general. There's very little chance of finding the perfect guy based on profiles.

And why would they even need to know you write erotica so soon? It has nothing to do with you, your personality, your compatibility, etc. I've met some folks from online formats, and in person they didn't fire my button — even though it seemed they would based on the profile. I think connection has to be face to face. Too much online 'getting to know each other' is so often wasted energy.

Just meet for coffee or dinner and drinks. You'll find the right guy. It's after this connection that we get to "know" someone. It's after quite a few years we finally get to know them well.

ETA: If you're just looking for casual, then ignore the above

 

[PapaDan]

If you want to find out if a guy may be turned off, (or on), by erotic stories, make up a scenario about something you read online about erotic stories and ask his opinion. If he seems interested, you can decide how much, (if anything), you want to tell him. If he seems turned off, you can agree with him and drop the subject, and he wouldn't be any the wiser about what you write.

No point in revealing everything you know right up front. If he's interested, he will stick around for the rest of the story. And if he doesn't stick around, the relationship likely wouldn't have went anywhere anyway.

 

[Hipshot1554]

This thread does bring up a valid point. People here, for the most part, have gotten comfortable talking about their likes and dislikes. The anonymity lets you forget that you can't share as much with someone you are just getting to know, out there in the real world.

 

[Athalia]

It's really weird how this can turn out. I never knew my friend Athalia was into erotica until she showed me a piece she'd written years and years ago. That got me interested in writing it (or more accurately, giving myself permission to write it). We ended up persuading each other to publish here and on other fiction sites, and we usually edit each other's stuff.

I thought I felt my ears burning about a week ago...

I suppose that this exchange of confidences was the result of our trusting each other. There are very, very few men I would have trusted with that knowledge, but Jehoram is probably the least judgmental character I have ever met. I'm glad I trusted him, but I've been given reason to be glad that I haven't trusted anybody else with that.

If I were you, the only person I would share with that knowledge is someone who is prepared to be equally honest with me. It takes people years to get to that point -- at least, it took me years to get that way with J --- and it may take you years, as well. If it's not an important part of your sexual relationship, I'd let it be. But if it should come to pass that you find yourself wanting to share more, be very sure that he's worth the trust.

But we've never been in anything more than a friendly relationship ... either she was in a committed one when I wasn't, or I was in one when she wasn't.And I have a feeling that she'd want to keep it that way, but I'm glad we shared that secret with each other.

Absolutely. When you sleep with someone you've known for years, it changes the entire flavor of the relationship, in ways you think you can handle but often find you can't. The fact is that, as he pointed out, it couldn't have happened without one of us or the other cheating on a partner, and I would never want to be involved in that, either as the one cheating or being cheated on. I know his wife well, and respect her far too much for that, and I know it would hurt her immensely. And, in a way, I'm glad for that, because there's absolutely no pressure for us to become more intimate than we are now.

 

[PapaDan]

I thought I felt my ears burning about a week ago...

I suppose that this exchange of confidences was the result of our trusting each other. There are very, very few men I would have trusted with that knowledge, but Jehoram is probably the least judgmental character I have ever met. I'm glad I trusted him, but I've been given reason to be glad that I haven't trusted anybody else with that.

If I were you, the only person I would share with that knowledge is someone who is prepared to be equally honest with me. It takes people years to get to that point -- at least, it took me years to get that way with J --- and it may take you years, as well. If it's not an important part of your sexual relationship, I'd let it be. But if it should come to pass that you find yourself wanting to share more, be very sure that he's worth the trust.



Absolutely. When you sleep with someone you've known for years, it changes the entire flavor of the relationship, in ways you think you can handle but often find you can't. The fact is that, as he pointed out, it couldn't have happened without one of us or the other cheating on a partner, and I would never want to be involved in that, either as the one cheating or being cheated on. I know his wife well, and respect her far too much for that, and I know it would hurt her immensely. And, in a way, I'm glad for that, because there's absolutely no pressure for us to become more intimate than we are now.

If you can find one true friend in this world, you are more fortunate than most.

 

[jsmiam]

I agree with a previous poster, it isn’t a first date topic.

However in our brave new world of dating (I’m more than ten years away from it btw), there is the possibility of getting to know the person almost too well via chat and email before the first meeting.

So my advice: meet fast! In exchange for wasting time meeting some people too early, you’re eliminating wasted time from meeting some others too late! (As in, getting too many hopes up then realizing the pictures were twenty year ago and other major disappointments. (See “meet fast!”)

 

[Jada59]

I agree with a previous poster, it isn’t a first date topic.

However in our brave new world of dating (I’m more than ten years away from it btw), there is the possibility of getting to know the person almost too well via chat and email before the first meeting.

So my advice: meet fast! In exchange for wasting time meeting some people too early, you’re eliminating wasted time from meeting some others too late! (As in, getting too many hopes up then realizing the pictures were twenty year ago and other major disappointments. (See “meet fast!”)

We did meet fast. He was messaging me every other day wanting to meet. I had to put him off for about a week because I was busy.

The date was great. But wouldn't you know... He asked me what I write! So not only did I tell him but I gave him a link to my stories here.

Is this the reason why we didn't meet again? I don't know. We planned to meet again but he works two jobs. He was too tired and asked to meet on another day. I agreed and since then we've both been snowed in, in nearby cities. I did message him as the snow started here first. He replied but nothing since. *sigh* Hate the waiting game but I'm not gonna be a pest either.

At any rate, if the guy I'm with is not okay with my writing, then he's not the guy for me

 

[Conager]

Just because you put your fantasies to paper doesn't make them any specific person's business. It is not withholding a material fact that is likely to impact them unless you and they decide you want to share at that level. If you are at that level, it makes no difference whether you're simply sharing fantasies together or you are showing him one that you've previously written down. It amounts to the same thing.

You share when you would otherwise share fantasies, or you keep it as your own, private guilty secret, the same you would do if you had a vanilla spouse.

 

[Mtnmike]

We did meet fast. He was messaging me every other day wanting to meet. I had to put him off for about a week because I was busy.

The date was great. But wouldn't you know... He asked me what I write! So not only did I tell him but I gave him a link to my stories here.

Is this the reason why we didn't meet again? I don't know. We planned to meet again but he works two jobs. He was too tired and asked to meet on another day. I agreed and since then we've both been snowed in, in nearby cities. I did message him as the snow started here first. He replied but nothing since. *sigh* Hate the waiting game but I'm not gonna be a pest either.

At any rate, if the guy I'm with is not okay with my writing, then he's not the guy for me

Cudo's to you Jada, the 1st wife and I could share anything erotic, writing or talking and I miss that. Not so with 2nd one, if I brought up anything sexual, I'm a pervert. Guess it's one of the reasons I was searching when I found the Lit stories, Thx God. Like someone else said, if they are judging you on this, their not the one you want!!! Speaking from denied experience.

 

[naughtymind]

At any rate, if the guy I'm with is not okay with my writing, then he's not the guy for me

I think you answered your own question better than anybody with that simple line. Nothing more needed really. As for when to bring it up, that really could be handled a lot of ways, but again, I think you said it all with your comment above. If I were me, I’d be hesitant to spend too much time (his or yours) getting too involved with a person before bringing this up. I don’t know about telling someone on a first date, but perhaps if the connection seemed really strong and the date was going exceptionally well? Regardless of when you bring it up, I think it’s key that you don’t feel the slightest bit of shame or guilt about it.

A few of your comments hint that perhaps you are overly concerned with what he may (or may not) think? If you project that same level of uncertainty to the guy, he may well react that more than the fact that you write erotica? Just a thought. It is unfortunate that some men are a bit uncomfortable or even intimidated by women who are overtly confident or expressive about their own sexuality. Probably a whole laundry list of reasons for that, but the good news is not all are.
Best of luck with your dating, you definitely shouldn’t need to change who you are, nor deny your creativity or sexuality to find love.

 

[amofiga]

Unlike some who said that letting someone know that you write erotica or like to read it is "too soon" and you should get to know someone first, I tend to think that the sooner you get your cards on the table the better DEPANDING ON WHAT YOU WANT. If you're looking for a long term basic relationship where you keep your kinks and fetishes hidden because you don't want to scare someone, good luck because it may backfire. Either you will end up very frustrated and afraid to reveal your true self or one day you will and if you find out it's a bad match, you may have invested a lot of time that's going nowhere.

If you're young and have time to invest, then so be it. If on the other hand you're older and don't want to waste a lot of time, perhaps it's best to "open the kimono" and let it out. Either you'll find out you're a great match or you'll learn early that you aren't. I know and have known people who have spent years with someone living a bit of a "double life". They are afraid for one reason to show their "real self" to their spouse for fear of being judged and then feel frustrated and unhappy and unfulfilled. Often these people end up seeking someone else outside the relationship with whom they can be open and honest. Not the best situation.

 

[Polranny]

I know and have known people who have spent years with someone living a bit of a "double life". They are afraid for one reason to show their "real self" to their spouse for fear of being judged and then feel frustrated and unhappy and unfulfilled. Often these people end up seeking someone else outside the relationship with whom they can be open and honest. Not the best situation.

That is so often the case.....'my wife doesn't understand me ' is probably one of the most overused 'rocks off' strategies around.

 

[Jada59]

That is so often the case.....'my wife doesn't understand me ' is probably one of the most overused 'rocks off' strategies around.

If I had a dime for every time I heard that! My ex said that too. Yep. I didn't. Nobody did.