Need help with editing, apparently?

[AuthorMommy]

The first two chapters of my story keep on getting kicked back. They say to look at the checklist. I've looked at it. The only thing I can think is that some paragraphs might be a tad bit long, but I'd broken them down as much as I could, at least in my mind. I would really like to get the chapters approved so I can start getting more feedback on my story. Would someone be willing to take a look at them and get back to me?

 

[jaF0]

You can generally post up to three paragraphs here for a quick review. If they're too long, maybe just parts of them.



(Edited chapters to paragraphs).

 

[AuthorMommy]

Chapter 1

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep. “At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought. “Somewhat comforting, I suppose.”

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? “Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered to himself. Mattei walked quickly over to the door, but when he opened it, he found two women standing outside his door. Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost?

“May I help you?” he asked, finally speaking.

“Are you Mattei Loran Ilsam?” the shorter of the two women asked.

“Yes,” he answered hesitantly. “Okay, maybe they aren’t lost,” he thought, before asking, “How may I help you?”




Per Lit guidelines, do not post story submissions to the forums. You may post short snippets (less than 3 paragraphs or so) for discussion, but please post your full stories to the story side.

Story removed by mod.

 

[AuthorMommy]

Chapter 2

Looks like this one is still pending.

 

[jaF0]

OK, that's a WHOLE lot more than 2-3 paragraphs, but the first 10 lines or so read very clumsy to me. I see a lot of errors in comma use, dialog, etc.


Don't take this wrong, but is English your first language? American English? We see most common errors when someone is writing in English that isn't familiar with it.

(I edited my first reply where I mentioned 2-3 chapters but meant paragraphs.)

 

[AuthorMommy]

Wow. English is my first language, and I've done plenty of editing, though I also used a 3rd party editing tool, which seemed fine with what I'd done. I've had other people read it as well, and they didn't seem to have any issues with the punctuation...

 

[AuthorMommy]

The editing program actually had me add in some commas I wouldn't have added in...

 

[AuthorMommy]

And sorry, missed the part about 3 paragraphs. Thought you'd said 3 chapters. I haven't had my coffee yet this morning, and was a bit distracted while reading your first reply.

 

[jaF0]

And sorry, missed the part about 3 paragraphs. Thought you'd said 3 chapters. I haven't had my coffee yet this morning, and was a bit distracted while reading your first reply.

I did, and I've had coffee.

 

[jaF0]

Wow. English is my first language, ...

OK, well it's passages like " Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers " that made me wonder.

 

[AuthorMommy]

changes

Okay, well I see that "marooned" should be "maroon", so I get that change. The story is supposed to be taking place in the future, about 200 years from now, after some serious changes on the world scene.

 

[AuthorMommy]

Editing it again

Using another editing program ... maybe it'll help. Guess we'll see.

 

[jaF0]

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep. “At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought. “Somewhat comforting, I suppose.”

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? “Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered to himself. Mattei walked quickly over to the door, but when he opened it, he found two women standing outside his door. Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost?

Personally, I would probably do something like:

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other 30 or so men waiting. While most of them appeared to be around his age of 25, a few were graying and likely middle-aged. Though some talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, a result of strangers showing up on his doorstep. 'At least they seem just as confused as I am,' he thought. 'Somewhat comforting, I suppose.'

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? 'Guess I’ll find out soon enough,' he muttered to himself, walking quickly over to the door. When he opened it, he found two women standing outside, both dressed in well-fitting maroon robes. He knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost?

That's just a rough go over. Note the use of single quotes in the first paragraph for his own thoughts. There is some debate over that here and I don't recall the consensus.

 

[AuthorMommy]

ok

I looked it up, and single quotation marks are generally used when quoting something someone has said. In fiction, double quotation marks are recommended.

 

[Liethra]

Offering two cents here on the first couple of paragraphs as well:

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were greying and likely middle-aged.

Two things here: first being that you use 'around' three times in two sentences. This makes for very awkward reading and should be avoided by using different phrasing. Either like jaF0 wrote, or, for example:

"Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around. There were about thirty other men in the room with him, most of them close to his own age of 25, but there were a few salt-and-pepper gentlemen as well who were likely middle-aged by now."

Second being that, at least as far as I'm aware, the use of '30' here should instead be done with 'thirty'. There are set rules about when to use numbers and when to used letters, but someone more experienced is probably better suited to explain that.

While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep.

This might be just a personal opinion, but be careful about using needlessly fancy words if you're not going for flowery prose. The two underlined words really stick out in this part compared to the rest of the two paragraphs.

“At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought. “Somewhat comforting, I suppose.”

Personally, I'd treat inner thoughts just like dialogue when it comes to line breaks, for clarity if nothing else.

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? “Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered to himself. Mattei walked quickly over to the door, but when he opened it, he found two women standing outside his door. Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost?

The flashback here made me question why the preceding part was included. Now, I'm not against the idea in itself, it's more that the starting scene doesn't quite offer enough information to make it relevant. Can you add something more to make it a more engaging hook before flashing back two weeks?

This is mostly a quick read by someone who isn't by any means a professional, so take it for what it's worth. Keep at it, though! It sucks being rejected, but reworking your own stuff really is the best way to improve.

Hope this helps at least a little!

 

[ElectricBlue]

I looked it up, and single quotation marks are generally used when quoting something someone has said. In fiction, double quotation marks are recommended.

I've only seen your three paragraph extract, but based on that I'd say you're coming unstuck using double quotation marks for thoughts, but embedding the thought in the body of a paragraph. I suspect a grammar bot thinks it's dialogue, and wants a paragraph break for clarity.

Your overall technical construction is clunky and your long paragraphs aren't helping, but it's the dialogue/monologue formatting that jumps out. Other posters are also commenting about style, but you need to get the basics right first.

You might need to find a human editor who knows what they're doing rather than relying on software programs.

 

[KeithD]

Using double quotes for thoughts is one of the legitimate choices, as is embedding the thoughts in paragraphs of narrative, so . . .

I didn't see too much wrong with the three paragraphs now given. The numbers (twenty-five, thirty) should be written out.

I few other very minor issues, maybe. I didn't look closely. It read fine to me--fine enough that I didn't go looking for mistakes and nothing but the numbers jumped out at me other than the already-mentioned "marooned."

 

[ElectricBlue]

Using double quotes for thoughts is one of the legitimate choices, as is embedding the thoughts in paragraphs of narrative, so . . .

Yes, I know that, but the OP keeps getting his story knocked back - so based on the three paragraphs provided it was merely a suggestion as to what might be cause for rejection.

I didn't say it was wrong, I just commented that a cursory glance (by way of a grammar bot) might not like it.

 

[KeithD]

Yes, I know that, but the OP keeps getting his story knocked back - so based on the three paragraphs provided it was merely a suggestion as to what might be cause for rejection.

I didn't say it was wrong, I just commented that a cursory glance (by way of a grammar bot) might not like it.

There is nothing in those three paragraphs, including the presentation of thoughts, that should get the story sent back. It has to be something else.

"Look at the checklist" isn't a helpful clue to the reasoning given to send it back. The OP must provide the actual wording given for sending it back for anyone to help. Responders suggesting the thoughts are rendered incorrectly, when they aren't, isn't going to do it.

 

[yukonnights]

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep. “At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought. “Somewhat comforting, I suppose.”

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? “Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered to himself. Mattei walked quickly over to the door, but when he opened it, he found two women standing outside his door. Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost?

“May I help you?” he asked, finally speaking.

“Are you Mattei Loran Ilsam?” the shorter of the two women asked.

“Yes,” he answered hesitantly. “Okay, maybe they aren’t lost,” he thought, before asking, “How may I help you?”

These comments mentioning the thoughts in quotations may or may not identify the reason for a rejection — but they do reflect the reality that there's a problem. While being technically correct, I've been spending the last half an hour or so doing some reading on the issue. So in regards to just this; I think, and many others seem to agree, the use of quotation punctuation is confusing.

The best bits of advice I've read suggest that thoughts be written into the narrative when possible. This offers the most uninterrupted reading experience.

“Yes,” he answered hesitantly. “Okay, maybe they aren’t lost,” he thought, before asking, “How may I help you?”

Or

"Yes," he answered hesitantly. Clearly they're not lost...what could they want? "May I help you?"

The thought quotations in the first paragraph could have been rendered the same as all the other thoughts.

Someone once said. there's no generic reader. But to this reader, the second phasing reads smoother.

But, I'm also of the opinion that the story was most likely not rejected because of the internal dialogue punctuation. It is technically correct, as far as I can see.

 

[SimonDoom]

I agree with KeithD. One could nitpick those three paragraphs, but by Lit standards it would be nitpicking. It would help to have you quote, exactly, what the ground was for kicking it back. As it is I have no idea why Lit isn't accepting your story.

 

[KeithD]

In the three paragraphs the OP has provided, the thought is clearly identified as a thought and distinguished clearly from what is spoken (muttered). I don't particularly like using double quotes for thoughts either, but in the American style system that is one of the two forms accepted by the authority most fiction publishers use, the Chicago Manual of Style. Thus, suggesting it's a problem is a nonstarter. It's what publishing accepts. (The other form accepted is not to use quotes at all. I think italics is the clearest and some publishers use those. But it's not wrong to use what the CMA accepts.). Regardless, this sample clearly identifies the thought as a thought in the slug and the spoken as spoken in the slug. Maybe there are problems elsewhere, but not in this sample. So, it's simply off base to go after the treatment of thoughts in this sample.

And, truth be known, although I see a couple of other changes that could be made, I don't see anything in this sample that isn't fine to fly at Literotica.

The problem either must crop up elsewhere or be a different problem altogether. We won't know unless the wording of the send back is given--and maybe not even then. Maybe someone needs to read the whole file to see what the problem is.

-----

Mattei tapped his fingers against the chair somewhat impatiently and looked around at the other men sitting around him, almost 30 in all. Most of them appeared to be around his age 25, though a few were graying and likely middle-aged. While there were some who talked among themselves, overall there was a quietness reflecting everyone’s trepidation. He could only surmise that they’d ended up here the same way he had, with strangers showing up on his doorstep. “At least they seem just as confused as I am,” he thought. “Somewhat comforting, I suppose.”

Two weeks earlier, he’d been prepping his breakfast when there was a knock at his door. He glanced at the clock on the wall and frowned. He’d already taken care of the cows and the other animals on the farm. It wasn’t like her to visit him so early. Was something wrong? “Guess I’ll find out soon enough,” he muttered to himself. Mattei walked quickly over to the door, but when he opened it, he found two women standing outside his door. Dressed in well-fitting marooned robes, he knew exactly who they worked for. It was obvious that they were government officials. Only those under the jurisdiction of the relatively new ruling Council of Ministers wore such robes, and he’d only seen women in such garments on the news, or in the newspaper. Never in person. What were they doing in the countryside? He was on a farm for God’s sake! Had they gotten lost? [Some may think this last is a thought and therefore out of keeping with the treatment of the previously identified thought. But, technically it isn't. If it were, it would be worded "I am on a farm, for God's sake!"]

 

[ElectricBlue]

There is nothing in those three paragraphs, including the presentation of thoughts, that should get the story sent back. It has to be something else.

"Look at the checklist" isn't a helpful clue to the reasoning given to send it back. The OP must provide the actual wording given for sending it back for anyone to help. Responders suggesting the thoughts are rendered incorrectly, when they aren't, isn't going to do it.

The only "checklist for grammar and punctuation" on this site I am aware of is this one:

http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/stories/guide.shtml

which does say, amongst many other things:

Dialogue should be separated by paragraphs. Each time a different character speaks, this should start a new paragraph, even if it is only a single word.

So it is quite possible that dialogue written the way the OP has written it might be enough, on a cursory scan, to get the story bounced - which is all I've been saying here.

Whether or not the advice cited is consistent with publishing convention is something else entirely. I personally think it's poor advice (and don't follow it myself) but one could consider it site guidance, simply because it's the first link the site provides on this page:

http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

Also, I see Chicago doesn't get a mention but Strunk and White does. Oh dear...

 

[KeithD]

There aren't different speakers in the sample. Maybe elsewhere, but not here. So, one way or the other, there needs to be more information given if anyone can be of more than iffy "what if" help on the discussion board. That so easily wafts off on false paths.

 

[ElectricBlue]

There aren't different speakers in the sample. Maybe elsewhere, but not here. So, one way or the other, there needs to be more information given if anyone can be of more than iffy "what if" help on the discussion board. That so easily wafts off on false paths.

Agree. The poor old OP had posted a much longer chunk (three chapters, if I read one of the early posts correctly), which might have given more clues. But the bulk of it was removed by the Forum Mod because of the three paragraph rule. So what's left is very probably not representative, and yes, the thread is really a bust.