Might be doing something wrong, but want help.

[HappySpouse]

I've messaged three volunteer editors over the last month, and haven't gotten any kind of response. So, I figure I'd try here.

I'm looking for an editor primarily for content although I'm won't be offended if you spot a grammatical error. My preference would be female editor, just because it is written entirely from my point of view and I would appreciate feedback from a woman. Bonus points if she likes being eaten out because that is kind of a focal point.

About the story:

It is 100% true no embellishments (which always makes a story hotter for me). My wife and I just had such a good evening that I decided to write it out as a story. I had originally intended it just for us, but we decided that I should put it up here and then some others to follow.

My concern before doing that is the beginning/introductory material was written for me to reminisce every detail, and I'm worried to a stranger it would just be stuff to scroll past to get to the good stuff.

Help Please.

 

[ElectricBlue]

My concern before doing that is the beginning/introductory material was written for me to reminisce every detail, and I'm worried to a stranger it would just be stuff to scroll past to get to the good stuff.

I'm not offering to edit but will say, if that's your concern, be ruthless and scrub the back filler if that's all it is. Look at it this way: does it contribute in any way to the story? Is it important or is just there to tell us who you are? Don't tell us, because yes, that's tedious, but show us by characterisation, little quirks of personality, good dialogue.

The same applies to any story, truth or not: show, don't tell.

 

[HappySpouse]

I'm unsure. That's why I'm seeking an objective pair of eyeballs. There isn't any history of relationship or any of that. The beginning is all about how a date night came to be and how obsessed I am with my gorgeous wife. I considered just throwing it all out and skipping to the evening itself, but it all calls back during the action and gives a deeper understanding to how overwhelmed I was in what could otherwise appear to be a normal night of great sex.

I think the way to go is to trim it a bit, but because I'm biased as to what made the evening hot, I'm struggling to find any unnecessary information. Leaving me with all or nothing. So, I figured I'd use the volunteer editors, and that didn't pan out. I'm making one last plea here, and if that doesn't work either, I will just publish it as is.

 

[JLCC]

Not offering to edit either, but providing a bit of advice.

I edited a true story once and it sounded like a clinical moment-by-moment narrative. The author posted the story in feedback and one comment made was to tell it "true-to-life", as opposed to a documentary.

I did just that with one story, one of my shittier works, bit it could have been a lot worse.

Only my opinion, but maybe do it in third person. I did a story for a lover once: very personal, however not true. It was incredibly well-received, and even re-reading it's a good story. There might be some embellishments, but remember that you're writing for an audience now, not just someone who has been there and can fill in blanks as necessary.

 

[HappySpouse]

I just want a stranger or two to read it and tell me what they think. Here is an excerpt of when we started to sixty-nine.

I was only my senses. I was vividly aware of every point of contact: my tongue on her lips and creases, my cheeks against her inner thighs, and my bearded chin rubbing her short red curls. I had my hands, wrists and forearms hooked firmly around the top of her butt as if this magical creature I had found might be whisked away at any moment. I could feel her against my chest lowering herself down with the first brush of a nipple becoming both breasts pressed against my skin. Then as if I’d forgot, my body jerked and arched when her mouth slid quickly, without pause or hesitation, to the base of me. As the pleasure melted me back into place, my hands slid down her back feeling every curve, hill, and valley on the way. When I could manage to get my eyes open, they were filled with ass and thighs and lips and bush. My ears were locked into the sounds of our mouths working on each other and the reciprocated moans escaping through the edges. My mouth was too busy to breath and my nostrils were filled with scent of her. A perfume that inhales deep into the animalistic parts of my brain driving away rational thoughts and causing me to stiffen and twitch in her mouth. The sensory overload was complete with the taste of her. The taste of pure joy. A consumable euphoria created in the heavens and fed to me by a goddess. The toy, still inside her dancing to the music, caused her to be a fountain of savory honey. I swallowed gulps of her while her tongue danced on me inside the pleasure cove of her mouth. I surrendered to it. All of it. My thalamus exploded from the sensory overload, and the rest of my mind shut down to help save it. I knew nothing but the two of us and our love for each other. I didn’t have access to the volume of a pyramid or the capital of Nevada. The world ended at the borders of our skin, and for a beautiful moment it was just the two of us, slaves to each other.

 

[KeithD]

Not much I could see to question about this passage (it’s really flowery, but many like that) other than I lost track of their positioning—who was doing what to the other, where, and when. The imagery seems to be overpowering clarity. It also needs to be broken up into smaller pieces because it’s too dense (for me) to fully appreciate as one solid block of text. Internet reading requires shorter paragraphs than reading in print. Also, for me, there are a few fifty-cent words that break up the flow of a sensually worded passage: reciprocated (shared?), thalamus (brain?). Conversely, the use of "butt" in the first paragraph seems crass in this level of word usage.

There are a few punctuation issues, but only a few.

I was only my senses. I was vividly aware of every point of contact: my tongue on her lips and creases, my cheeks against her inner thighs, and my bearded chin rubbing her short, [equal-level adjectives] red pubic(?) curls. I had my hands, wrists, [publishing uses the serial comma—and you have done so elsewhere.] and forearms hooked firmly around the top of her butt as if this magical creature I had found might be whisked away at any moment.

[Breaking up the wall of text in dense syntax.]I could feel her against my chest, [setting off gerund clause] lowering herself down with the first brush of a nipple becoming both breasts pressed against my skin. Then as if I’d forgot, my body jerked and arched when her mouth slid quickly, without pause or hesitation, to the base of me. As the pleasure melted me back into place, my hands slid down her back, [gerund clause] feeling every curve, hill, and valley on the way.

[Breaking paragraphs into readable bites, enhancing the savoring of the images]When I could manage to get my eyes open, they were filled with ass and thighs and lips and bush. My ears were locked into the sounds of our mouths working on each other and the reciprocated moans escaping through the edges. My mouth was too busy to breathbreathe and my nostrils were filled with scent of her. A, a[fixing dangling modifier clause] perfume that inhalesinhaled [maintain tense] deep into the animalistic parts of my brain, [gerund clause] driving away rational thoughts and causing me to stiffen and twitch in her mouth.

The sensory overload was complete with the taste of her. The—the taste of pure joy. A, a consumable euphoria created in the heavens and fed to me by a goddess. The toy[what toy? Dildo? Dick?], still inside her, [gerund clause] dancing to the music, caused her to be a fountain of savory honey. I swallowed gulps of her while her tongue danced on me inside the pleasure cove of her mouth. I surrendered to it. All of it. My thalamus exploded from the sensory overload, and the rest of my mind shut down to help save it.

I knew nothing but the two of us and our love for each other. I didn’t have access to the volume of a pyramid or the capital of Nevada. The world ended at the borders of our skin, and for a beautiful moment, [The clause opened with a comma, so should close with one.] it was just the two of us, slaves to each other.

 

[HappySpouse]

I hadn't thought of how long those paragraphs would look on the site's thin windows. Those paragraphs read well on my computer, but would fill multiple whole screens on a phone. I appreciate that input. That will make a big difference.

I haven't really done a deep proofreading, because I've might delete, integrate, or re-write the beginning if I ever get someone to read it. It is currently just the way I initially typed it for my wife. I can see now that it would likely distract any potential opinion giver. So, I'll try to go over it before I send it off to any potential readers.

 

[yukonnights]

I've messaged three volunteer editors over the last month, and haven't gotten any kind of response. So, I figure I'd try here.

I'm looking for an editor primarily for content although I'm won't be offended if you spot a grammatical error. My preference would be female editor, just because it is written entirely from my point of view and I would appreciate feedback from a woman. Bonus points if she likes being eaten out because that is kind of a focal point.

About the story:

It is 100% true no embellishments (which always makes a story hotter for me). My wife and I just had such a good evening that I decided to write it out as a story. I had originally intended it just for us, but we decided that I should put it up here and then some others to follow.

My concern before doing that is the beginning/introductory material was written for me to reminisce every detail, and I'm worried to a stranger it would just be stuff to scroll past to get to the good stuff.

Help Please.

As written and posted here, I did tend to give up about midway though your sample part.

As I understand it, this is just a portion of an intro. Since I don't have the whole story to look at, this next question may be off target; Does this 'spill all the beans' right at the starting gate? Does the reader already know the rest of the story after reading this? Is it a lure to hook the reader or a spoiler that might lead to boredom with what follows?

Another thought, if it might be a spoiler; Can these beautiful words be used broken out as intro's to parts of the story?

I only have one final thought; Have you tried writing some of this in first person point of view? That might make your words even more immediate and powerful. —> I'm only my senses, vividly aware of every point of contact — my tongue on her lips and creases, my cheeks against her inner thighs, and my bearded chin rubbing her short red curls...

Good luck and welcome to being an author

You might want to tell us the word count of your story as some who visit here might decide to lend a hand if they know more what they're getting into. And I wouldn't worry too much about male or female. Some of these jokers write both equally well.

 

[HappySpouse]

This isn't part of the introduction/build-up. It is from somewhere in the middle. Obviously I'm open to suggestions, but the point of view I chose was as if I were telling the reader this story personally. So, the events are in the (recent) past.

4,700 words. The female part was a preference not a requirement. I'd be happy to have anybody read it and give feedback.

The "flowery" writing is intentional once the sexual activity begins, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is at times too doting. Also, I've always been told that I speak with a lot of big words, and that has always spilled over into my writing. So there will likely be more of that, but I have trouble spotting them on my own because they are normal to me when being descriptive. It may be more practical to point out when something hits under that standard than above it, like the "butt" suggestion earlier.

I find the feedback very enlightening, Thank You.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I agree with the others - purple prose!

And the paragraph thing - give readers white space, it does make it easier to read.

My only other observation is that this seems to be all about you. This hot woman you speak of is missing in action, for me. She's just an object, there's no personality, no emotional connection. If the rest of the story has a similar approach, I'd be back clicking long before I got to Nevada.

Try adding some dialogue, some reaction from her, some evidence she's a live human being, and it might connect more.

 

[yukonnights]

I agree with the others - purple prose!

And the paragraph thing - give readers white space, it does make it easier to read.

My only other observation is that this seems to be all about you. This hot woman you speak of is missing in action, for me. She's just an object, there's no personality, no emotional connection. If the rest of the story has a similar approach, I'd be back clicking long before I got to Nevada.

Try adding some dialogue, some reaction from her, some evidence she's a live human being, and it might connect more.

I don't agree so much about it being 'purple prose' or even too 'flowery'. It can be a purposefully chosen tool — a love letter to the person who brought about such feelings. It can be a story intentionally crafted to be 'told', not crafted to build the readers intimacy/compassion/immersion into a fictional world of characters.

 

[sdsioux]

This isn't part of the introduction/build-up. It is from somewhere in the middle. Obviously I'm open to suggestions, but the point of view I chose was as if I were telling the reader this story personally. So, the events are in the (recent) past.

4,700 words. The female part was a preference not a requirement. I'd be happy to have anybody read it and give feedback.

The "flowery" writing is intentional once the sexual activity begins, but I wouldn't be surprised if it is at times too doting. Also, I've always been told that I speak with a lot of big words, and that has always spilled over into my writing. So there will likely be more of that, but I have trouble spotting them on my own because they are normal to me when being descriptive. It may be more practical to point out when something hits under that standard than above it, like the "butt" suggestion earlier.

I find the feedback very enlightening, Thank You.

I would be happy to read and comment for you.
Tom

 

[HappySpouse]

I would be happy to read and comment for you.
Tom

I messaged you.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

Readers will scroll for the sex no matter how beautifully crafted your story. Don’t take it to heart.

Your OP laid out a framework that sounded like the outline for a very nice short story. If you’ve followed that outline, I’d recommend proofreading with the care yukonnights and KeithD suggested, and submitting! Best of luck.