TomFarrell
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 15, 2019
- Posts
- 1
Feedback requested on my 2nd story
- Thread starter TomFarrell
- Start date
AlinaX
Asymmetric Snowflake
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2014
- Posts
- 4,986
An uninhibited island? Quite...
It would have been better to get to the mermaid earlier in the story. A lot of the earlier stuff - the repairs, etc. - is ultimately irrelevant. Is there a reason why there's a compass but no other navigational aids?
It would have been better to get to the mermaid earlier in the story. A lot of the earlier stuff - the repairs, etc. - is ultimately irrelevant. Is there a reason why there's a compass but no other navigational aids?
LesDesirable
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jul 4, 2019
- Posts
- 406
The writing chooses passive over active too often to give the reader the feeling of a man in peril.
You used "start or started" 26 times. It started to become distracting to have so many actions starting to start all of the time. Action can just happen, that it started - is made obvious because it is then occurring.
You did not build up the story, or any real desperation, and being lost in the Caribbean on a super yacht with working engines for several days all while heading Southwest is impossible. On a sailing vessel possibly, but on a yacht?
We are left with a short and illogical build up that ends with a simple and safe ending, following sex with the normal, everyday, super-hot woman who is only a mermaid for purposes of the category. Nothing about the story would be that much different were she not a mermaid.
You used "start or started" 26 times. It started to become distracting to have so many actions starting to start all of the time. Action can just happen, that it started - is made obvious because it is then occurring.
You did not build up the story, or any real desperation, and being lost in the Caribbean on a super yacht with working engines for several days all while heading Southwest is impossible. On a sailing vessel possibly, but on a yacht?
We are left with a short and illogical build up that ends with a simple and safe ending, following sex with the normal, everyday, super-hot woman who is only a mermaid for purposes of the category. Nothing about the story would be that much different were she not a mermaid.
Maeven_quinn
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2018
- Posts
- 398
The sex scene in the story works great as a scene. It’s a straight forward fantasy that is well enough written and enjoyable.
It’s bookended by two sections of nautical details. However, because those two sections aren’t casually connected to the mermaid sex, the sex on the island feels quite dreamlike and otherworldly. That may have been what your were going for, or it may not have been.
I guess my critique is that the nautical details drew me into the captain’s world. The sex was fun to read. These two things do not feel integrated together.
It’s bookended by two sections of nautical details. However, because those two sections aren’t casually connected to the mermaid sex, the sex on the island feels quite dreamlike and otherworldly. That may have been what your were going for, or it may not have been.
I guess my critique is that the nautical details drew me into the captain’s world. The sex was fun to read. These two things do not feel integrated together.
ElectricBlue
Joined 11 Years Ago
- Joined
- May 10, 2014
- Posts
- 17,943
What's more, she's a mermaid one moment, but mysteriously turns into a legged (human) woman for the sex scene, so where's the novelty in that? Not very fishy, standard stroker tropes (what is it with pornos that everyone smacks the chick on the ass?), and Gilligan's captain on an expensive boat. Not much going on, really, except sand in his shorts
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