Constructive comments?

[frandessop]

A fun day at the park.

https://www.literotica.com/s/day-at-the-park-2

Dare I ask for your opinion?

 

[LesDesirable]

The same comments given on your other efforts apply to this one.

Too many unnecessary adjectives that do not add to the scenery. Too many unnecessary adverbs that do not strengthen their sentences. Too few commas separating your lengthy adjective strings, and too few hyphens in the hyphenated words. Certain words repeated too often. (her name, publicly, delicious)

Overall, your writing is not horrible, grammar is acceptable, but your habit of using too many adjectives and adverbs rather than writing in a strong manner continues.

 

[frandessop]

ok

The same comments given on your other efforts apply to this one.

Too many unnecessary adjectives that do not add to the scenery. Too many unnecessary adverbs that do not strengthen their sentences. Too few commas separating your lengthy adjective strings, and too few hyphens in the hyphenated words. Certain words repeated too often. (her name, publicly, delicious)

Overall, your writing is not horrible, grammar is acceptable, but your habit of using too many adjectives and adverbs rather than writing in a strong manner continues.

Always wonderful to hear your voice. Thank you so much.

 

[JPGmvny]

A fun day at the park.

https://www.literotica.com/s/day-at-the-park-2

Dare I ask for your opinion?

Cut, cut, cut.

Tania and I were casually walking on a beautiful if sultry day in mid-summer. Holding hands, chatting and laughing. Sometimes stopping to embrace and kiss.

I wore knee-length camouflage shorts and a baggy 't'- shirt. Tania did justice to an 'A' line red summer dress that dropped just below her knees. We were openly flirting, with the occasional grab and squeeze, slowly following the river bank to the park.

 

[frandessop]

Cut, cut, cut.

Tania and I were casually walking on a beautiful if sultry day in mid-summer. Holding hands, chatting and laughing. Sometimes stopping to embrace and kiss.

I wore knee-length camouflage shorts and a baggy 't'- shirt. Tania did justice to an 'A' line red summer dress that dropped just below her knees. We were openly flirting, with the occasional grab and squeeze, slowly following the river bank to the park.

What? Like...
Vagina, penis, park, public, cum, fun?
That more like it?

 

[JPGmvny]

What? Like...
Vagina, penis, park, public, cum, fun?
That more like it?

By "cut" I mean tighten. I tried to give you an example.

I do not mean short. My first story here has over 70K words.

I'll note that LesDesireable recently took me to task for a short piece, and she was right. (And it is being rewritten.) I am no expert.

 

[frandessop]

? Curious ?

By "cut" I mean tighten. I tried to give you an example.

I do not mean short. My first story here has over 70K words.

I'll note that LesDesireable recently took me to task for a short piece, and she was right. (And it is being rewritten.) I am no expert.

I hear you. I also kind of agree. However, I'm curious... where is the fun and spontaneity?
My first ever story in here 10 years ago had more... depth. But jeez, who has the time and
effort... when most moan about a 'wall of text'... all I see is a cell phone, which is not a Kindle.
If one is to read... then purchase a book. No?
Look I agree with you and the person/avatar you mentioned.
Is this book club? Are we supposed to be pro?
Only asking.

written 10 years ago... https://www.literotica.com/s/friends-having-fun

 

[ElectricBlue]

I hear you. I also kind of agree. However, I'm curious... where is the fun and spontaneity?
My first ever story in here 10 years ago had more... depth. But jeez, who has the time and
effort... when most moan about a 'wall of text'... all I see is a cell phone, which is not a Kindle.
If one is to read... then purchase a book. No?
Look I agree with you and the person/avatar you mentioned.
Is this book club? Are we supposed to be pro?
Only asking.

written 10 years ago... https://www.literotica.com/s/friends-having-fun

Just because we're amateur writers here on Lit doesn't mean you need to be amateurish. And just because someone is publishing in the mainstream doesn't mean they're professional. There's junk and there's good writing, and I've seen both here and in the mainstream.

It boils down to whether or not you want to improve as a writer. Some folk do, some folk don't. You've come here asking for feedback from a bunch of fellow writers. You've got it, you're hearing the same thing, so what you do with that is up to you. But if you don't care about the quality of your writing, why should anybody else?

 

[frandessop]

Baggage or back story

Just because we're amateur writers here on Lit doesn't mean you need to be amateurish. And just because someone is publishing in the mainstream doesn't mean they're professional. There's junk and there's good writing, and I've seen both here and in the mainstream.

It boils down to whether or not you want to improve as a writer. Some folk do, some folk don't. You've come here asking for feedback from a bunch of fellow writers. You've got it, you're hearing the same thing, so what you do with that is up to you. But if you don't care about the quality of your writing, why should anybody else?

I agree, thank you.

My selfish personal motive is simply to boost 'views' or 'hits'.
And, I find it fun to scribble and blog on any forum which allows.
I am what I am.
And sincerely, thank you for being on point, without being pointed.
cheers
Fran

 

[JPGmvny]

I hear you. I also kind of agree. However, I'm curious... where is the fun and spontaneity?
My first ever story in here 10 years ago had more... depth. But jeez, who has the time and
effort... when most moan about a 'wall of text'... all I see is a cell phone, which is not a Kindle.
If one is to read... then purchase a book. No?
Look I agree with you and the person/avatar you mentioned.
Is this book club? Are we supposed to be pro?
Only asking.

written 10 years ago... https://www.literotica.com/s/friends-having-fun

There is a huge range of readers. And writers. My favorite stories and the ones I read again and again are those that develop over time and pages. They're not for everyone.

No one gets paid on Lit. I enjoy writing longer short stories, to develos and follow the characters. The one for which I was criticized as being too short and too bland was written with a word limit for something else, and many found it did not work for Lit.

Write what you enjoy writing. Read what you enjoy reading. There is no category or length or type of story that is better than any other.

The suggestion about cutting down on adverbs and adjectives is not unique It applies to all type of writing. Draw the reader in.

 

[frandessop]

I totally agree

There is a huge range of readers. And writers. My favorite stories and the ones I read again and again are those that develop over time and pages. They're not for everyone.

No one gets paid on Lit. I enjoy writing longer short stories, to develos and follow the characters. The one for which I was criticized as being too short and too bland was written with a word limit for something else, and many found it did not work for Lit.

Write what you enjoy writing. Read what you enjoy reading. There is no category or length or type of story that is better than any other.

The suggestion about cutting down on adverbs and adjectives is not unique It applies to all type of writing. Draw the reader in.

Thank you JPGmvny

 

[SimonDoom]

Some suggestions:

1. Get rid of the past progressive tense. Don't write "Tanya and I were holding hands." Write "Tanya and I held hands." Use the simple past tense. It makes a difference. Keep your tenses simple. A problem with past progressive is that you have linking verbs (conjugations of the verb "to be") in all your sentences. It looks fat and passive. Keep things lean and active.

2. Your story has no dialogue. Don't ever do this. Have the narrator and Tanya talk to one another. Readers like variety -- narrative and dialogue mixed together.

3. I agree with JPGmvny's suggestion to edit descriptions, but not the way to do it. The example --

"Tania and I were casually walking on a beautiful if sultry day in mid-summer. Holding hands, chatting and laughing. Sometimes stopping to embrace and kiss." --

Contains one sentence and two sentence fragments. This is a matter of style in fiction, but in my view sentence fragments should be used sparingly.

4. I might rewrite your first paragraph this way:

Tania and I took an easy, casual walk together, holding hands on a sultry, summer day on the way to the park. We chatted and laughed, sometimes stopping to embrace or kiss. We shared our affection freely.

Your paragraph initially gives the reader no sense of time or place. So I would add something like "on the way to the park" after "together."

The point is to mix things up. Don't have lots of sentences that start this way "It was . . . " or variations of that type of sentence.

5. You need more detail. Where did they sit? On the grass? On a bench? Where in the park was it? How busy was it? What kind of park was it? Is there a playground nearby? An arboretum? A pond? Trees? I can't picture the scene because there's not enough detail. I want to be able to imagine, more or less, where your two characters are and where other people are so I can enjoy how naughty and exhibitionist they are being.

6. A park is a place full of sensations -- sights, sounds, smells, things to touch. Incorporate the senses in your story -- the sounds of birds, buzzing insects, the smell of cotton candy or fresh mown grass or flowers in the air, the feel of sweat on their bodies from the combination of fucking and warm, humid air.

7. The sex scene needs more dialogue. It would be much sexier if they talked to each other while they were doing what they were doing.

8. You've got the idea and form of a good public sex romp, but you could make it better with more fleshing out and attention to detail.

 

[SimonDoom]

I agree, thank you.

My selfish personal motive is simply to boost 'views' or 'hits'.

Fran

If that's your goal, here are my suggestions:

1. Incorporate the suggestions I made in my other post.

2. Expand your story to 7000+ words.

3. Pick a spicier title. "Getting It On At The Park". "Public Sex At The Park". "My Naughty Girlfriend At The Park." Something that does more to tip off the reader what the kink in the story is. It can be more playful or allusive than my choices but it should be spicier than "Day At The Park."

4. Characters and conflict. The two keys to all good stories of all lengths and all types. You don't need long, involved descriptions, but long before the sex happens the reader should have a feel for who these two people are. Maybe the guy is shy and straight-laced, and the girl wants him to loosen up. They say a few things to each other at the beginning to introduce the reader to these traits. Let the reader know that the guy wants to loosen up, but he doesn't know how (he has an unmet need -- every character should have this). There are two conflicts: 1) their different personalities and approaches to risk and fun, and 2) the internal conflict inside the narrator.

The girl pushes the conflict by pushing him to have sex with her. He initially doesn't want to, but his lust and desire overcome him and he does. Conflict resolved. Everybody happy.

5. Buildup + sex. A story like this one is a perfect candidate for the usual formula: half or more of the story is devoted to the buildup to sex, and the latter part is the sex. The buildup must establish the characters, the unmet needs of the characters, and the conflict that needs to be resolved. The sex resolves the conflict.

Not every story has to conform to a formula. But if you do care about views and scores then it makes sense to make sure your story contains the essential parts of a good story if you want to maximize your chances of getting good reader response.

 

[frandessop]

Thank you

Thanks for taking the time and energy to share this. It's appreciated.

If that's your goal, here are my suggestions:

1. Incorporate the suggestions I made in my other post.

2. Expand your story to 7000+ words.

3. Pick a spicier title. "Getting It On At The Park". "Public Sex At The Park". "My Naughty Girlfriend At The Park." Something that does more to tip off the reader what the kink in the story is. It can be more playful or allusive than my choices but it should be spicier than "Day At The Park."

4. Characters and conflict. The two keys to all good stories of all lengths and all types. You don't need long, involved descriptions, but long before the sex happens the reader should have a feel for who these two people are. Maybe the guy is shy and straight-laced, and the girl wants him to loosen up. They say a few things to each other at the beginning to introduce the reader to these traits. Let the reader know that the guy wants to loosen up, but he doesn't know how (he has an unmet need -- every character should have this). There are two conflicts: 1) their different personalities and approaches to risk and fun, and 2) the internal conflict inside the narrator.

The girl pushes the conflict by pushing him to have sex with her. He initially doesn't want to, but his lust and desire overcome him and he does. Conflict resolved. Everybody happy.

5. Buildup + sex. A story like this one is a perfect candidate for the usual formula: half or more of the story is devoted to the buildup to sex, and the latter part is the sex. The buildup must establish the characters, the unmet needs of the characters, and the conflict that needs to be resolved. The sex resolves the conflict.

Not every story has to conform to a formula. But if you do care about views and scores then it makes sense to make sure your story contains the essential parts of a good story if you want to maximize your chances of getting good reader response.

 

[frandessop]

Thanks

Thank you for your input and effort.

Some suggestions:

1. Get rid of the past progressive tense. Don't write "Tanya and I were holding hands." Write "Tanya and I held hands." Use the simple past tense. It makes a difference. Keep your tenses simple. A problem with past progressive is that you have linking verbs (conjugations of the verb "to be") in all your sentences. It looks fat and passive. Keep things lean and active.

2. Your story has no dialogue. Don't ever do this. Have the narrator and Tanya talk to one another. Readers like variety -- narrative and dialogue mixed together.

3. I agree with JPGmvny's suggestion to edit descriptions, but not the way to do it. The example --

"Tania and I were casually walking on a beautiful if sultry day in mid-summer. Holding hands, chatting and laughing. Sometimes stopping to embrace and kiss." --

Contains one sentence and two sentence fragments. This is a matter of style in fiction, but in my view sentence fragments should be used sparingly.

4. I might rewrite your first paragraph this way:

Tania and I took an easy, casual walk together, holding hands on a sultry, summer day on the way to the park. We chatted and laughed, sometimes stopping to embrace or kiss. We shared our affection freely.

Your paragraph initially gives the reader no sense of time or place. So I would add something like "on the way to the park" after "together."

The point is to mix things up. Don't have lots of sentences that start this way "It was . . . " or variations of that type of sentence.

5. You need more detail. Where did they sit? On the grass? On a bench? Where in the park was it? How busy was it? What kind of park was it? Is there a playground nearby? An arboretum? A pond? Trees? I can't picture the scene because there's not enough detail. I want to be able to imagine, more or less, where your two characters are and where other people are so I can enjoy how naughty and exhibitionist they are being.

6. A park is a place full of sensations -- sights, sounds, smells, things to touch. Incorporate the senses in your story -- the sounds of birds, buzzing insects, the smell of cotton candy or fresh mown grass or flowers in the air, the feel of sweat on their bodies from the combination of fucking and warm, humid air.

7. The sex scene needs more dialogue. It would be much sexier if they talked to each other while they were doing what they were doing.

8. You've got the idea and form of a good public sex romp, but you could make it better with more fleshing out and attention to detail.