A new perspective

[frandessop]

New short story just published.

A new voice, a different angle.

Go on, treat yourself... https://www.literotica.com/s/sexy-old-leather-sofa

 

[ElectricBlue]

Punctuation!!

"You're good with you hands." I said to him.

"It was an easy job, no problem." He replied.

should be:

"You're good with your hands," I said to him.

"It was an easy job, no problem," he replied.

He leaned over into me and asked suggestively,

"Why don't you give the sofa a try, its yours if you want it, I'm throwing it out anyway."

should be:

He leaned over into me and asked suggestively, "Why don't you give the sofa a try, its yours if you want it, I'm throwing it out anyway."

"...over into me..." is also a bit strange. One or the other, maybe, but not both.

Not much else to say, really. It's a short fantasy scene, over before anything happens.

I'm a little surprised you didn't get it knocked back for poor dialogue punctuation - observe where the commas should be, and no paragraph breaks interrupting the sentence.

 

[jaF0]

Punctuation!!


should be:

He leaned over into me and asked suggestively, "Why don't you give the sofa a try, it's yours if you want it, I'm throwing it out anyway."

Contraction of ' it is ' gets an apostrophe.

"...over into me..." is also a bit strange. One or the other, maybe, but not both.

I would probably use ' ... over towards me ... ', maybe without the 'over' even.

 

[frandessop]

I hear you

You know, I did try as you have highlighted... but it was rejected.
In fact I tried a few different ways. English vs American... still rejected.
Then I gave the 'speaker' a full stop or period. Highlighting who said it.
That somehow worked. I understand what you are saying, and I agree.
However, it is now published... in Lit's acceptable format, what can I say.

Thanks for taking time and effort. Much appreciated.
Fran

Punctuation!!

should be:

"You're good with your hands," I said to him.

"It was an easy job, no problem," he replied.


should be:

He leaned over into me and asked suggestively, "Why don't you give the sofa a try, its yours if you want it, I'm throwing it out anyway."

"...over into me..." is also a bit strange. One or the other, maybe, but not both.

Not much else to say, really. It's a short fantasy scene, over before anything happens.

I'm a little surprised you didn't get it knocked back for poor dialogue punctuation - observe where the commas should be, and no paragraph breaks interrupting the sentence.

 

[frandessop]

I agree

As I mention in my other reply. I tried a few formats to get published.
I never know why things get rejected... or slip through.

Appreciate the time and effort... and the crit.
Fran

Contraction of ' it is ' gets an apostrophe.



I would probably use ' ... over towards me ... ', maybe without the 'over' even.

 

[LesDesirable]

So many adjectives, so many adverbs, so many missing commas.

Dialogue attribution is weak, with improper punctuation in many places.

Some places where lines do not make a lot of sense: "my mood was still horny". Is her mood a physical thing, capable of having its own moods?

One paragraph has enough different ideas that it could be broken into four paragraphs.

Overall, there is a lot you can work on to make this more readable.

 

[frandessop]

Thanks

Well thanks for taking the time to read. Much appreciated.
There are times that I see no rhyme nor reason for editing rejection.
I do play with many different styles. But hey, I'm an amateur.
I'm doing it for fun. They are little more than scribbles to titillate.

I take what is being said on the chin. They are nothing more that
quick read stories to masturbate to while reading... not an easy task.

Thanks
Fran

So many adjectives, so many adverbs, so many missing commas.

Dialogue attribution is weak, with improper punctuation in many places.

Some places where lines do not make a lot of sense: "my mood was still horny". Is her mood a physical thing, capable of having its own moods?

One paragraph has enough different ideas that it could be broken into four paragraphs.

Overall, there is a lot you can work on to make this more readable.

 

[KeithD]

In addition to the its/it's, this is a run on sentence:

"Why don't you give the sofa a try, its yours if you want it, I'm throwing it out anyway."

One grammatically acceptable version would be:

"Why don't you give the sofa a try? It's yours if you want it, and I'm throwing it out anyway."

 

[frandessop]

Accepted

I acknowledge what you say. If only all the editors thought the same.
I honestly did try comma, full stop, quotes, and re-write fill outs.
I am not a writer. I am enthusiast. I understand some grammar may offend.
I get the fact that short erotic stories don't really come to life and are fraught
with errors. However, my influence is my gut and 70's pornographic magazines.
And there is an essence of Anais Nin. If it does it's job quickly (its)... then I am happy.

I honestly was more curious about a male writing a female perspective.

Comments taken and appreciated. Thank you for reading.
Fran

In addition to the its/it's, this is a run on sentence:

"Why don't you give the sofa a try, its yours if you want it, I'm throwing it out anyway."

One grammatically acceptable version would be:

"Why don't you give the sofa a try? It's yours if you want it, and I'm throwing it out anyway."

 

[frandessop]

Thanks

It is far from perfect.
5,600 views in 24 hours
Thank you

 

[MadameSarcasm]

So many adjectives, so many adverbs, so many missing commas.

Dialogue attribution is weak, with improper punctuation in many places.

Some places where lines do not make a lot of sense: "my mood was still horny". Is her mood a physical thing, capable of having its own moods?

One paragraph has enough different ideas that it could be broken into four paragraphs.

Overall, there is a lot you can work on to make this more readable.

Agreed. I would add that you could vary some word choices too - for example, you used "bleary" twice in the first paragraph. I'd change one of them.
I understand from your responses to the comments that you intended this as a simple stroker. Nothing wrong with that. For a lot of readers, style, grammar and punctuation errors take them out of the moment, so it's your job as a writer to make sure you get those fundamentals right.
Best wishes as you continue to grow as a story teller.

 

[frandessop]

Absolutely

You are right on all counts.
Thank you. I think )
Fran

Agreed. I would add that you could vary some word choices too - for example, you used "bleary" twice in the first paragraph. I'd change one of them.
I understand from your responses to the comments that you intended this as a simple stroker. Nothing wrong with that. For a lot of readers, style, grammar and punctuation errors take them out of the moment, so it's your job as a writer to make sure you get those fundamentals right.
Best wishes as you continue to grow as a story teller.

 

[frandessop]

Thanks

For all the constructive comments, thanks.

It's an erotic scribble... a stroke and squeezer.
A very quick crowd pleaser.

The negative ones... well, say's more about you.

Thank you all.

https://www.literotica.com/s/sexy-old-leather-sofa

 

[LesDesirable]

OK then, we are all so very incredibly basically totally wrong. Your wonderful fast stroke stories are the highest quality hottest things ever written in the history of writing and hotness.

Better?

 

[BrokenSpokes]

OK then, we are all so very incredibly basically totally wrong. Your wonderful fast stroke stories are the highest quality hottest things ever written in the history of writing and hotness.

Better?

Genuine LOL

 

[frandessop]

Oh well

Much better yes.
And your subjective critique is worth what exactly?
Being objective, and constructive was what I expected.

Very incredibly basically totally made me laugh out loud.

Thanks for that, have a wonderful day. x

OK then, we are all so very incredibly basically totally wrong. Your wonderful fast stroke stories are the highest quality hottest things ever written in the history of writing and hotness.

Better?

 

[frandessop]

can't please everyone

Genuine LOL

Made me laugh