Hotwife/ethical non-monogomy questions

[LonelyKitty6969]

My husband and I have been discussing, reading about and listening researching ethical non-monogomy and sex positivity. We are curious and considering going to a club or trying to meet people but don't really know what our comfort level would be.

We like the idea of making new friends that are fun, we could have a flirty relationship and feel comfortable exploring our sexual boundaries. We have rekindled our intimate relationship by talking, fantasizing and dirty talk about the possibilities which has been awesome. Unfortunately there are things that I think about that make me wonder how comfortable either of us would be going past talk. I wouldn't want to make connections only to let down another couple because we got cold feet. I know before we actually attempt anything we have to talk out each of our concerns first but I'm wondering if anyone in the Lit world has experience with this and can provide insight to some of the things I'm thinking. Here goes:

We really don't have much experience with anyone other than each other. Potential issues - will people avoid us or what if we/he have performance anxiety?

We are in our 40's with extra weight on both of us - we are attractive but the idea of the whole dating scene and finding mutual connection/attraction seems daunting and we both tend to be introverted.

I don't want to be used as a human sex toy. I'd want a connection, friendship maybe, I want to have mutually enjoyable contact. I feel like soft swap is the most appealing because of mutual satisfaction.

My husband wants to see me with a woman which I'm willing to explore because I think it would be hot. But I also feel like that would be part of foreplay and I am really interested in men sexually. Is that acceptable to communicate.

And a big worry is disease. Obviously condoms would be a must. But what about safety and oral sex?

Also hygiene is very important.

I know with all these things happening in my head we're not ready, and may never be, but I like to research and draw conclusions so I'm hoping you lovely lit people will have some insight.

 

[Erotic69er]

Hi Kitty

I can understand both the appeal of evolving a friendship with a couple, woman or man which could evolve into enjoying and very pleasurable sexual or polyamorous relationship. I also understand your apprehension of unsettling and potentially damaging your own relationship and the issues of catching any std’s.
Personally we have found it very enjoyable and it has enriched our sex lives. We are very selective and discreet. I’d just depends on how desirable it is for you both and if you wish to dip your tie in the water finding the right couple or person.
There are meany sites to try in your search. Just take your time, meet socially then decide if it and they still appeal to you both. We have both found it lovely exploring our bisexual side. Please feel free to ask me anything.

 

[LonelyKitty6969]

I can understand both the appeal of evolving a friendship with a couple, woman or man which could evolve into enjoying and very pleasurable sexual or polyamorous relationship. I also understand your apprehension of unsettling and potentially damaging your own relationship and the issues of catching any std’s.
Personally we have found it very enjoyable and it has enriched our sex lives. We are very selective and discreet. I’d just depends on how desirable it is for you both and if you wish to dip your tie in the water finding the right couple or person.
There are meany sites to try in your search. Just take your time, meet socially then decide if it and they still appeal to you both. We have both found it lovely exploring our bisexual side. Please feel free to ask me anything.

Thank you, we will definitely take our time, be discreet and selective if we move forward. I tend to be a person who likes to learn as much as possible about something that interests me so this is part of my research. We absolutely will be taking things as slow as necessary for us both to be ready and in the right mindset.

 

[GWNorth32]

Communication, communication, communication. You cannot have enough of it as you explore this. I am one half of a polyamorous married couple. One of the most valuable things I have found was a local poly talk group I found through fetlife. Monthly get togethers to talk about poly and ethical non monogamy. In addition if you are a book person I cannot recommend enough reading "The Ethical Slut"

Having the right mindset towards doing the work on yourselves to be the best people you can be is another good skillset to foster as you navigate this.

 

[Erotic69er]

I couldn’t agree more

Communication, communication, communication. You cannot have enough of it as you explore this. I am one half of a polyamorous married couple. One of the most valuable things I have found was a local poly talk group I found through fetlife. Monthly get togethers to talk about poly and ethical non monogamy. In addition if you are a book person I cannot recommend enough reading "The Ethical Slut"

Having the right mindset towards doing the work on yourselves to be the best people you can be is another good skillset to foster as you navigate this.

Having a group that you can chat too and share the joys and pitfalls must have been a great help in you when you were giving polyamory serious thought.
It has obviously been of great help to you and your partner.

 

[GWNorth32]

It has been Erotic69er.

As to Kitty's thoughts.

Performance anxiety: goes back to my first point. Communicate with any potential partners honestly that it is new to you both. Everyone has been there before at first. Finding the right fit will take some time but it is probable that your first experience will be a bit awkward, much like anything in life.

Introverted and concerns about attraction. Guaranteed people will find you an attractive fit, being introverted is always tough but one of the most rewarding things about this side of people is that a lot of people have the same issues. I have found many are trying hard to do the self work to improve.

State very clearly that you do not want to be treated as a human fetish delivery device and that connection is important to you. This leads to the exploration of same-sex fun. Be sure to understand what you want from a same-sex experience. Be sure what your reasoning is. If you find it hot, and want to try it great. If you want to do it to turn your partner on, great. Just be clear with your potential new lovers. Lol damn there is that communicate again. Absolutely imperative that you do.

Safe sex is critical of course. You will all need to talk about it ahead of time. What is acceptable risk. Oral sex carries risks as well, you need to decide what plan to follow. Dental dams and flavoured condoms are available. Get tested regularly be prepared to share results.

Hygiene is a great way to get started. Get in the shower or bath together with your new friends to start you off.

Most importantly, have fun!

 

[LonelyKitty6969]

It has been Erotic69er.

As to Kitty's thoughts.

Performance anxiety: goes back to my first point. Communicate with any potential partners honestly that it is new to you both. Everyone has been there before at first. Finding the right fit will take some time but it is probable that your first experience will be a bit awkward, much like anything in life.

Introverted and concerns about attraction. Guaranteed people will find you an attractive fit, being introverted is always tough but one of the most rewarding things about this side of people is that a lot of people have the same issues. I have found many are trying hard to do the self work to improve.

State very clearly that you do not want to be treated as a human fetish delivery device and that connection is important to you. This leads to the exploration of same-sex fun. Be sure to understand what you want from a same-sex experience. Be sure what your reasoning is. If you find it hot, and want to try it great. If you want to do it to turn your partner on, great. Just be clear with your potential new lovers. Lol damn there is that communicate again. Absolutely imperative that you do.

Safe sex is critical of course. You will all need to talk about it ahead of time. What is acceptable risk. Oral sex carries risks as well, you need to decide what plan to follow. Dental dams and flavoured condoms are available. Get tested regularly be prepared to share results.

Hygiene is a great way to get started. Get in the shower or bath together with your new friends to start you off.

Most importantly, have fun!

Thank you, I appreciate the advice! Communication is definitely a top priority and stressed in all of the different avenues I have used for research. I believe we will get to some exploration at some point but I know we are not quite there yet. My husband and I have explored Reddit and follow several threads but I am not comfortable with messages there. It seems like the posters are either very judgmental or crass or crude. We posted a couple of pics to try that out and it was fun but we got some really inappropriate and degrading responses so I haven't wanted to do more. I feel like I have gotten more intelligent and thoughtful responses here and in PM's (in between the needy or crass or crude PM's of course, lol) but I am grateful to comments like yours that are helpful. Have a great day!