AdultCartoons
Virgin
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2019
- Posts
- 25
I’m kind of new at writing erotica but here’s the first chapter. It has incest.
https://www.literotica.com/s/time-traveler-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/time-traveler-ch-01
Here’s the first chapter of my new story?
- Thread starter AdultCartoons
- Start date
Hello there! You want to post these in story feedback going forward. I'm sure a kind moderator will move it there when they get around to it, so just an fyi. Link to the story and a heads up on the content is nice though!
I did a quick read.
ugh, time travel...
Sorry, part of me thinks that every time and if I keep it bottled up that part eventually blows into an hour long rant.
Sometimes it's just easier to hit the deus ex machina bargain bin and grab an easy plot device to get you where (or when) you need to go.
And you made it a light, fun read so why not? One million dollars and a free trip back in time? Sounds like a fun time. And in fairness you probably could have added some humor/fun for us. But you spent a lot of time setting up his fixation on her in the present and left it rather short when it came time for the hook. I realize you plan on continuing but if you're going to start with a quick tease make every word count and give it some oomph.
I see that you submitted a couple others and the one I clicked was half as long so I get it if you're new to writing--just keep (swimming) going. Keep looking for ways to expand on events, scenes via action and description. You've got basic form and rhythm down it appears, so keep at it and consider utilizing the editors section of the forums.
While not horrible, there's plenty of generic typos, missed words (meet instead of meat); and there was an overload of conjunctions in the beginning that made it hard to get into second gear early on. Even well known, published authors need their editors--I was fortunate to have somene look at my first submission and every minor and major fix saved me the agony of reading some obvious mistakes post submission.
I saw your thread on advice for writing sex scenes--so, in short, keep going and keep using your resources (namely the good people here).
I did a quick read.
ugh, time travel...
Sorry, part of me thinks that every time and if I keep it bottled up that part eventually blows into an hour long rant.
Sometimes it's just easier to hit the deus ex machina bargain bin and grab an easy plot device to get you where (or when) you need to go. And you made it a light, fun read so why not? One million dollars and a free trip back in time? Sounds like a fun time. And in fairness you probably could have added some humor/fun for us. But you spent a lot of time setting up his fixation on her in the present and left it rather short when it came time for the hook. I realize you plan on continuing but if you're going to start with a quick tease make every word count and give it some oomph.
I see that you submitted a couple others and the one I clicked was half as long so I get it if you're new to writing--just keep (swimming) going. Keep looking for ways to expand on events, scenes via action and description. You've got basic form and rhythm down it appears, so keep at it and consider utilizing the editors section of the forums.
While not horrible, there's plenty of generic typos, missed words (meet instead of meat); and there was an overload of conjunctions in the beginning that made it hard to get into second gear early on. Even well known, published authors need their editors--I was fortunate to have somene look at my first submission and every minor and major fix saved me the agony of reading some obvious mistakes post submission.
I saw your thread on advice for writing sex scenes--so, in short, keep going and keep using your resources (namely the good people here).
Last edited:
AdultCartoons
Virgin
- Joined
- Aug 12, 2019
- Posts
- 25
Hello there! You want to post these in story feedback going forward. I'm sure a kind moderator will move it there when they get around to it, so just an fyi. Link to the story and a heads up on the content is nice though!
I did a quick read.
ugh, time travel...
Sorry, part of me thinks that every time and if I keep it bottled up that part eventually blows into an hour long rant.
And you made it a light, fun read so why not? One million dollars and a free trip back in time? Sounds like a fun time. And in fairness you probably could have added some humor/fun for us. But you spent a lot of time setting up his fixation on her in the present and left it rather short when it came time for the hook. I realize you plan on continuing but if you're going to start with a quick tease make every word count and give it some oomph.
I see that you submitted a couple others and the one I clicked was half as long so I get it if you're new to writing--just keep (swimming) going. Keep looking for ways to expand on events, scenes via action and description. You've got basic form and rhythm down it appears, so keep at it and consider utilizing the editors section of the forums.
While not horrible, there's plenty of generic typos, missed words (meet instead of meat); and there was an overload of conjunctions in the beginning that made it hard to get into second gear early on. Even well known, published authors need their editors--I was fortunate to have somene look at my first submission and every minor and major fix saved me the agony of reading some obvious mistakes post submission.
I saw your thread on advice for writing sex scenes--so, in short, keep going and keep using your resources (namely the good people here).
Yeah the typos were honestly my fault, i was so excited to post it that i didn’t read through it first but i’m definitely reading through from now on. Thanks for the feedback!
SimonDoom
Kink Lord
- Joined
- Apr 9, 2015
- Posts
- 19,148
I read your story. Some thoughts:
1. Love the concept. The time travel/grandma idea is a great idea for an erotic story. All sorts of possibilities.
2. It's a big concept, and to do it well you have to fully develop it. I felt the first chapter was rushed. It covers a lot of ground, but it gets through some of it too quickly. Take your time with this story. Make sure you develop each part of it -- his grandma fetish, the time travel idea, how he meets her, their relationship, etc.
3. This story should be written in chapters longer than one Lit page. Take your time.
4. Who is the narrator? His character is too undeveloped. We need to know something about him so we can relate to him, to make his interest in his grandma seem interesting to us.
5. His age -- he's 20 in the present day? That means he was born in 1999. His grandma was about 70 at that point, if she was around 40 in 1970. So she was in her mid-70s by the time he was old enough to know her. It seems like a stretch to me that he could see her sexually if she was that old. The ages don't quite make sense and this needs much more explaining. It would make more sense if he had a young grandmother who was still young when he was young.
6. The time travel mechanism is too rushed. It's a hard thing to believe to begin with, so you need to work at this to make it more believable.
7. You need to work on your punctuation and grammar nuts and bolts. Read other stories here, or read some of the how to guides. You especially need to work on dialogue and punctuation. If you take more time on this it will make a big difference for your story.
8. I suggest writing and submitting longer chapters. A 1 page chapter is too short for an idea this complex. There are too many things to flesh out, and trying to do it in one Lit page rushes things.
I think you have a good concept and can make this an entertaining and erotic story, but I suggest taking the time to clean up the mechanics and fleshing out the story elements in more detail.
1. Love the concept. The time travel/grandma idea is a great idea for an erotic story. All sorts of possibilities.
2. It's a big concept, and to do it well you have to fully develop it. I felt the first chapter was rushed. It covers a lot of ground, but it gets through some of it too quickly. Take your time with this story. Make sure you develop each part of it -- his grandma fetish, the time travel idea, how he meets her, their relationship, etc.
3. This story should be written in chapters longer than one Lit page. Take your time.
4. Who is the narrator? His character is too undeveloped. We need to know something about him so we can relate to him, to make his interest in his grandma seem interesting to us.
5. His age -- he's 20 in the present day? That means he was born in 1999. His grandma was about 70 at that point, if she was around 40 in 1970. So she was in her mid-70s by the time he was old enough to know her. It seems like a stretch to me that he could see her sexually if she was that old. The ages don't quite make sense and this needs much more explaining. It would make more sense if he had a young grandmother who was still young when he was young.
6. The time travel mechanism is too rushed. It's a hard thing to believe to begin with, so you need to work at this to make it more believable.
7. You need to work on your punctuation and grammar nuts and bolts. Read other stories here, or read some of the how to guides. You especially need to work on dialogue and punctuation. If you take more time on this it will make a big difference for your story.
8. I suggest writing and submitting longer chapters. A 1 page chapter is too short for an idea this complex. There are too many things to flesh out, and trying to do it in one Lit page rushes things.
I think you have a good concept and can make this an entertaining and erotic story, but I suggest taking the time to clean up the mechanics and fleshing out the story elements in more detail.
