And your still with her why? that seems to be a very self centered narcissistic attitude from her.
Sexless Marriages
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And your still with her why? that seems to be a very self centered narcissistic attitude from her.
Mostly financial and we have a child living with us in college. After than who knows what the future may bring.
Polranny
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Just take it easy or it may end in tears
ccs29745
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Only problem is I asked how she wants it. I don't know was her reply. Last I got to feel a boob today. Lol
olderpussy
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Hm. This raises an interesting question. Is it ethical, right or fair for a partner to unilaterally make the decision that the agreements you made at the beginning of the relationship for the relationship to include a physical component is no longer on the table?
It seems to me that, like a lot of other decisions made within the parameters of a marriage, the decision to end the physical part of the marriage is not a decision that lies with just one party. Like home ownership, life insurance, the decision to have a child; it is accepted that all these decisions are made by both parties within the marriage. How, then, is it conceivable that ending such an important aspect of the relationship without consultation or discussion with the other person in the marriage is acceptable? Clearly, it is not.
I wonder if the best way to approach this with a partner is to frame it like you would any other decision that is made for you when you do not support it. If my husband bought a house without consulting me, there would be hell to pay. Likewise, if I decided one day to cash in all our retirement savings and buy a llama farm, the shit would hit the fan.
When my husband told me 10 years ago, after the trauma of our daughter's death and a cancer diagnosis rendering him impotent, that he was no longer able to continue the physical part of our relationship, he also made it clear that he loved me and recognized that it was unfair of him to ask me to forgo a sexual relationship for the rest of my life. Many, many hours, days, weeks and months of discussion later, we agreed that I would continue that part of my life outside the marriage.
I realize that what works for one couple may not work for another, but honest and open communication is the only thing that can help resolve big differences between a couple and ensure that the loving can continue even when parts of the relationship must change due to the natural evolution of a marriage over time and unforeseen circumstances. My two cents.
Kimberly
Deep down this reading this thread is comforting yet, the people that complain about once a week, once a month, you don't realize how good you have it.
My situation married for 13 going on 14. Haven't had sex in over 4 years. I'm in late thirties, she's slightly older. She has no interest at all, tells me I'm repulsive, doesn't love me. Things here are in my mind are abusive. As it isn't just sex that it is missing. It's affection, physical touch, words of affirmation, empathy, compassion.
Why do I stay? I stay for my son. As she has the power to take my son away as family courts where I am at heavily favor the female. Makes matters worse that she's a respected medical provider here, so it isn't that she lacks compassion and care as she is a favorite with patients she treats.
How have I survived? Truthfully, a dog. Had an awesome one before I lost him to cancer and my current one entertains me enough to keep my mind off things. Oh, and therapy a couple times a month keeps my sanity.
Granted the eventual goal is to get out.
My situation married for 13 going on 14. Haven't had sex in over 4 years. I'm in late thirties, she's slightly older. She has no interest at all, tells me I'm repulsive, doesn't love me. Things here are in my mind are abusive. As it isn't just sex that it is missing. It's affection, physical touch, words of affirmation, empathy, compassion.
Why do I stay? I stay for my son. As she has the power to take my son away as family courts where I am at heavily favor the female. Makes matters worse that she's a respected medical provider here, so it isn't that she lacks compassion and care as she is a favorite with patients she treats.
How have I survived? Truthfully, a dog. Had an awesome one before I lost him to cancer and my current one entertains me enough to keep my mind off things. Oh, and therapy a couple times a month keeps my sanity.
Granted the eventual goal is to get out.
Thank you for sharing your story Kimberly really got me thinking. When she told me that I was devastated like someone took a knife to my heart. I felt worthless, unwanted, and so much "less". My ego was devastated. I have had several one off hookups and I DON"T feel guilty at all. As you said it was a unilateral decision so I took "handle it" to mean that it was okay to play. I have tried to communicate over the years but it falls on deaf ears. Can't wait for my son to be out on his own.
MarcoPaelo
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So this is very common....
66M here with 62F wife, both very well preserved. Now around five years since we last fucked.
I'd say our problems are mainly emotional. We maintain a great friendship punctuated by some bitter and petty fights. But all our friends say we're just fine, much better than lots of people they know. But somehow the communication on sex is almost completely absent. Something rooted in the past is stopping us.
As everyone here can see, the fact I'm on Lit shows I'm still pretty horny. Various female colleagues and friends have sometimes indicated they'd be happy to have a fling, but I know I'd never be able to handle the emotional consequences if it came out. Experience from the past has demonstrated that in ample measure.
Not that we haven't both strayed...I've written up some of the experiences as stories under a different handle on Lit (I'd be happy, by the way, to discuss those with anyone here, both m and f, via PM or email).
Recently, however, a small hint came from my wife that she too is more open than I'd have thought. She had gone for a conference at a beach resort about a month ago, and it so happened that a couple of close female friends, with whom she constantly exchanges those racy WhatsApp messages, had also attended. To cut a long story short, they used to get pretty drunk every evening, and on one such occasion she and one of the women ended up getting into the sea in their underwear late at night. At least that's what she's told me, but I suspect it was full on skinny dipping.
So what's your opinion, people? is there hope for our sex life? If so, how should I go about rebuilding the intimacy and excitement?
66M here with 62F wife, both very well preserved. Now around five years since we last fucked.
I'd say our problems are mainly emotional. We maintain a great friendship punctuated by some bitter and petty fights. But all our friends say we're just fine, much better than lots of people they know. But somehow the communication on sex is almost completely absent. Something rooted in the past is stopping us.
As everyone here can see, the fact I'm on Lit shows I'm still pretty horny. Various female colleagues and friends have sometimes indicated they'd be happy to have a fling, but I know I'd never be able to handle the emotional consequences if it came out. Experience from the past has demonstrated that in ample measure.
Not that we haven't both strayed...I've written up some of the experiences as stories under a different handle on Lit (I'd be happy, by the way, to discuss those with anyone here, both m and f, via PM or email).
Recently, however, a small hint came from my wife that she too is more open than I'd have thought. She had gone for a conference at a beach resort about a month ago, and it so happened that a couple of close female friends, with whom she constantly exchanges those racy WhatsApp messages, had also attended. To cut a long story short, they used to get pretty drunk every evening, and on one such occasion she and one of the women ended up getting into the sea in their underwear late at night. At least that's what she's told me, but I suspect it was full on skinny dipping.
So what's your opinion, people? is there hope for our sex life? If so, how should I go about rebuilding the intimacy and excitement?
Polranny
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Personally I doubt it. She is obviously happy with company of friends to be a bit skittish and daring having drink taken. That IS a totally different situation. You could always try taking her to a beach resort, getting her drunk and going skinny dipping with her, it may work, probably be good fun, you're only 66/62 once. Good luck. It won't work with my sexless situation
TTawhere
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I cannot disagree with much of what you have written here. You have been fortunate that your husband has been willing, and open-minded enough to let you have a relationship outside of your marriage that satisfies you. I would be very happy if my own partner were so willing to be that open minded, but she is not.
In my case, medical issues on my wife’s part have led her to be unable and now unwilling to have sex of any sort with me. It wasn’t a “decision” that either of us consciously made, it was made for us both. It was part of an unlikely genetic lottery of a sort that nobody wants to win.
During our times seeking out a medical solution to our problem, discussions with counselors, and previous discussions during our marriage, I know that she is unwilling to let me go outside of our marriage which would condemn me to living the rest of my life without sex. She has made the decision to purchase the llama farm and doesn't seem to care what I think.
With that said, do you think it is fair for one partner to condemn the other to a life without sex?
ccs29745
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It's not fair, but hell of a test of devotion.
Chasingdreams
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I lived without sex in my marriage for 3 years and I could have gone longer. It killed me to not have ANY touch or physical intimacy. No hand holding, random hugs just cause, even cuddles on the couch while watching tv. When things broke down that far, it was one more sign we were done.
I don’t judge. That loss originally brought me to lit. In my experience, I could only ask for what I needed so much before I had to leave for my own self preservation. I applaud those of you that are trying to stick it out. I hope it gets better for you, or at the very least, you find what you’re looking for here.
I don’t judge. That loss originally brought me to lit. In my experience, I could only ask for what I needed so much before I had to leave for my own self preservation. I applaud those of you that are trying to stick it out. I hope it gets better for you, or at the very least, you find what you’re looking for here.
Elite_Goblin
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I fall into the majority of the older men here.
Very healthy sex-drive, but my wife could just as easily be a nun. We 'get it on' every 1.5 weeks (approx.). Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. Would be nice to be more frequent, but much, much nicer if it was something she looked forward too.
The lack of return physical contact, enthusiasm, deep kisses, sexual flirtations from your spouse just leaves it open for someone else to come in and fill the gap. I do not look for another person, but when I feel neglected for too long, I would not decline an offer. The near annual 'discussions' about the situation do not help for more than a couple weeks. At least I bring it up.
Very healthy sex-drive, but my wife could just as easily be a nun. We 'get it on' every 1.5 weeks (approx.). Sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. Would be nice to be more frequent, but much, much nicer if it was something she looked forward too.
The lack of return physical contact, enthusiasm, deep kisses, sexual flirtations from your spouse just leaves it open for someone else to come in and fill the gap. I do not look for another person, but when I feel neglected for too long, I would not decline an offer. The near annual 'discussions' about the situation do not help for more than a couple weeks. At least I bring it up.
ccs29745
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Porn is getting like Hollywood, nothing original anymore. Seems like copy cast of any and everything from past.
My wife and I have discussed sex over and over through the years. Recently she divulged she has absolutely no interest or urge for Sex. She knows I think about it daily but cannot bring herself to enjoy Sex. I’ve always have been a giving lover. Always giving her pleasure before mine.
I’ve reached my limit and I’ve even told her so. She still won’t change or even consider changing.
Due to all this I’ve succumbed to the seduction of a lady I know. We’ve known each other for a while and we started chatting one day recently. It led to a sexual conversation. We both realised we are very similar in regards to sex and wanting sex. She’s married to a guy who has no interests in sex as well.
We finally met up and has the hottest most intense sex I’ve ever had. I know it’s wrong but I have no guilt whatsoever. Now I can stop pestering my wife for sex and things are calmer at home.
I’ve reached my limit and I’ve even told her so. She still won’t change or even consider changing.
Due to all this I’ve succumbed to the seduction of a lady I know. We’ve known each other for a while and we started chatting one day recently. It led to a sexual conversation. We both realised we are very similar in regards to sex and wanting sex. She’s married to a guy who has no interests in sex as well.
We finally met up and has the hottest most intense sex I’ve ever had. I know it’s wrong but I have no guilt whatsoever. Now I can stop pestering my wife for sex and things are calmer at home.
Polranny
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Won't she suspect you're playing away from home? That's when the firework display starts
Kimberly
Kimberly,
I think you hit it perfect on one side of this and I wish this is they way many relationships with this issue would go.
Question? What if your husband wasn't able to offer what he did or handle your pursuing sex outside of your marriage? What would you do?
Kimberly,
I think you hit it perfect on one side of this and I wish this is they way many relationships with this issue would go.
Question? What if your husband wasn't able to offer what he did or handle your pursuing sex outside of your marriage? What would you do?
RDM97756
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I am curious, I have seen this post around and feel I fit in to the catagory. But I never understood what the purpose of this post is? Are people looking for connection or just advise? I am not meaning to be rude just wanting understanding before I deside to join in.
TTawhere
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Both, actually. Support and advice as well as connections.
TTawhere
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You’re welcome. We’re all in this together.
Some of us have been dealing with this issue for some time and others have found success in one way or another in finding companionship.
There are lots of ways to go about this and not everyone will agree with the choices others make, but that is their path to travel in life.
olderpussy
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That's a great question and I gotta say, I don't know what I would have done. Torn between the desire to continue an honest and open relationship and the reality that I am and always have been extremely sexual, I'd like to think I would have continued trying to find a negotiated middle ground we could both live with.
If we hadn't been able to work through the "stuff", I suppose we might have ended up like others. Polarized and unable to find a way through it. That would have been very sad. He's the best wing man a woman could have and I'm grateful to be able to continue to have a great marriage with the latitude to find another great person to share the other parts with.
Kimberly
