The Looking Glass

[BrokenSpokes]

I just published a short Halloween story. Something I thought up sitting in class, and not paying as much attention as I should have been, but I was able to pound it out in an afternoon, so here you are.

The Looking Glass

 

[SynSlave]

I typically prepare myself to be let down when I see stand alones that are this short. But this was a good read. The surreal twist was a nice touch, something i tried to do--because that's what I like reading and writing. I'll even admit that though there were a few errors and I had to reread a few times (mostly because of multiple condensed information attacks) it's better written than anything I've done so far.

Only real criticism I can think of is that you put so much description (which I liked; culture, setting, two well drawn characters) that it felt like that was half the 5k (6k?) word story. I'm probably more appreciative of descriptive writing than some so I enjoyed it, but still would have liked to get more substance with it. Wouldn't throttle down on the descriptive style mind you. Rather, more dialogue and action would better the balance, and it would be appreciated. I had to reread the fantastic Cheshire cat facsimile when she fadedn and wished there was more to it.

Still, you obviously intended it to be a short tease, and as far as short teases go it was pretty damn good. Well done.

 

[LesDesirable]

Minor errors, one in particular is the use of cher rather than chere. (masculine vs. feminine). It kind of distracted me every time I read it, and only because I am currently taking a class in French.

Tense and verbiage could be better at times, but overall this is a quick, good read and I hope you do well.

 

[BrokenSpokes]

Minor errors, one in particular is the use of cher rather than chere. (masculine vs. feminine). It kind of distracted me every time I read it, and only because I am currently taking a class in French.

Tense and verbiage could be better at times, but overall this is a quick, good read and I hope you do well.

Oh my GOD! Thank you for that! Non-French speaker here. I’ll have to edit and resubmit now or I won’t be able to sleep!

 

[LesDesirable]

Oh my GOD! Thank you for that! Non-French speaker here. I’ll have to edit and resubmit now or I won’t be able to sleep!

You should just leave it and tell anyone who complains that they are being gender intolerant.

 

[Charrla]

Unasked for editing from a copyeditor in training.

*Spoiler alert for those who haven't read it: This review gives away a plot twist.*

Hi, BrokenSpokes,

I think you have a great story here, and it's very well written. You did a really nice job of setting an authentic New Orleans scene. I do have some suggestions that I would make if I were your editor. But you may find my suggestions annoying and nit-picky. I did this more for myself, because I need practice in explaining revisions to authors. You might even want to ignore my comments entirely.

My reference was Chicago Manual of Style 17th edition (I would italicize that if I could figure out how) and a couple of other editing books that are based on CMOS.

I also only made it to the second section break, since I have to leave the house soon. But here is my list:

1) "She didn't think it was going to last too much longer."

The adverb "too" is unnecessary.

2) "Alice had wondered several times since she'd met Josette the first month of her freshman year, how someone so young could own her own business."

That comma needs to be paired with another comma after the word "times", because "since she'd met Josette the first month of her freshman year" is a non-restrictive dependent clause. Those are always set off from surrounding clauses with a pair of commas. The sentence is a little wordy, anyway--I would cut it down to
"Alice had often wondered, since meeting Josette early freshman year, how someone so young could own her own business." Or
"Alice had often wondered, since meeting Josette early freshman year: How could someone so young own her own business?"

3) "...caramel colored hair"

Caramel-colored should be hyphenated, as it's a compound attributive adjective (appearing before the noun it modifies). If it appeared after the noun, e.g. "Her hair was caramel colored," it would not need a hyphen.

4) "...that she was a descendent Marie Laveau."

Insert an "of."

5) "Couple's costume contest."

This could go two ways. Chicago style would put the apostrophe after the S in "couples". AP style might leave out the apostrophe entirely. But an apostrophe should never fall before the S, whether it's a plural possessive or a plural attributive noun (it doesn't just belong to a single couple). Later on you have "singles contest," so you'd probably want to just get rid of the apostrophe.

6) "Her smile was so broad and full of sunshine, it almost appeared she had way too many teeth when she flashed it at you."

This sentence is made up of two independent clauses (they can stand alone), which can't be separated with a comma. You can replace the comma with a semicolon or the word "that." I'd choose "that."

I think the word "way" is superfluous, as well. "...almost appeared she had too many teeth" gets the point across just fine.

7) "He was wearing a dirty white t-shirt, covered in fake blood."

Delete the comma, as the second phrase is supposed to be a restrictive modifier of "t-shirt." Otherwise it sounds like it could be referring to the whole boy. If that's actually what you meant, it needs to be reworded to something like
"He was wearing a dirty white t-shirt, and was covered in fake blood."

8) "...and had a white linen smock that covering the front."

Revise to "smock that covered the front" or "smock covering the front."

9) "'I probably shouldn't even be going out with him again, but I really don't want to go downtown by myself.'"

Subjectively, I feel this sentence is redundant, since only a few lines earlier you wrote
"The only reason she hadn't broken up with him already was that she didn't want to go to Bourbon street alone..."
I would cut out, or just simplify, either sentence.

10) "...walk up daquiri shops."
"Walk-up" is another compound attributive adjective, and as such needs a hyphen.

11) "...huge Hurricane himself."
I'm not sure hurricane should be capitalized, especially as you didn't capitalize daquiri in the previous sentence. Maybe "Hurricane" as a proper noun is a N.O. thing.

12) "...just above her butt.."
Delete the extra period, unless you meant for this to be an ellipsis (and then, of course, add one).

13) "...skin tight lycra."
Lycra is a registered brand name and needs to be capitalized.

14) "Also when she smiled, Alice noticed that she also had glued fangs to her canine teeth, which were longer and sharper than normal."

a) I would change the first "Also" to "And", to avoid repetition.

b) "...when she smiled" is a murky modifier, because as it's written, the pronoun "she" pertains to Alice, not Josette. So it sounds like when *Alice* smiled, she noticed something. Replace that first "she" with "Josette" to clear that up.

c) The latter half is a little confusing, because the "which" clause is modifying "canine teeth", suggesting that her real teeth were sharper, regardless of the fangs. Now, I realize that this may indeed be the case. But you might not want to foreshadow the supernatural twist so soon. I think if you replaced the word "were" with "appeared", it would be more clear for readers while also leaving the door open to alternative possibilities.

I would try
"And when Josette smiled, Alice noticed that she had also glued fangs to her canine teeth, which appeared longer and sharper than normal."
Or
"Also, when Josette smiled, Alice noticed that she must have glued fangs to her canine teeth, which were now longer and sharper than usual."
Or
"Alice also noticed, when Josette smiled, that her canine teeth were longer and sharper than usual. A pair of prosthetic fangs had probably come with the contacts kit."

Thank you for letting me play doctor with your story, and I apologize if I have annoyed with these comments.

 

[BrokenSpokes]

*Spoiler alert for those who haven't read it: This review gives away a plot twist.*

Hi, BrokenSpokes,

I think you have a great story here, and it's very well written. You did a really nice job of setting an authentic New Orleans scene. I do have some suggestions that I would make if I were your editor. But you may find my suggestions annoying and nit-picky. I did this more for myself, because I need practice in explaining revisions to authors. You might even want to ignore my comments entirely.
er canine teeth, which were now longer and sharper than usual."

Thank you for letting me play doctor with your story, and I apologize if I have annoyed with these comments.

Um, thanks. LOL.

No worries. I have a regular editor, but he’s tied up with my story for my Hard Landing series right now. This was a little one off I thought up and just pounded out. I am clearly an author who requires an editor, so I might keep you in mind if I have another one-off my editor doesn’t have time for.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

Enjoyed it. Story had a good hook. Girl in dull relationship. Girl knows it’s ending. Some else has an eye on her.

That was a set up that worked. I knew that she’d make a new friend, but that this new friend would be the supernatural being she was? That was new and refreshing.

Few criticisms? The story opens with no-context dialogue. This almost never works imo. I imagined lovers in bed after sex, but then there they are in a cafe.

Second I expected more from the boyfriend. Why won’t he do the costume? What’s his deal? Why are they even casually dating? Why did they even like each other? The dude doesn’t care about the relationship, but gets angry when he gets ditched. She knows it’s ending, but goes to the party with him anyway...

That relationship served the hook, and that was it.

I guess third is the main character is a little passive right now. The biggest choice she makes is a low-consequence, low-risk decision to visit the Voodoo beam at the end of the tale.

This is okay if this first part of the story. Later, I hope to see more of her personality, risk-taking, and dealing with consequences of her actions.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

*Spoiler alert for those who haven't read it: This review gives away a plot twist.*

Hi, BrokenSpokes,

I think you have a great story here, and it's very well written. You did a really nice job of setting an authentic New Orleans scene. I do have some suggestions that I would make if I were your editor. But you may find my suggestions annoying and nit-picky. I did this more for myself, because I need practice in explaining revisions to authors. You might even want to ignore my comments entirely.

My reference was Chicago Manual of Style 17th edition (I would italicize that if I could figure out how) and a couple of other editing books that are based on CMOS.

I also only made it to the second section break, since I have to leave the house soon. But here is my list:

1) "She didn't think it was going to last too much longer."

The adverb "too" is unnecessary.

2) "Alice had wondered several times since she'd met Josette the first month of her freshman year, how someone so young could own her own business."

That comma needs to be paired with another comma after the word "times", because "since she'd met Josette the first month of her freshman year" is a non-restrictive dependent clause. Those are always set off from surrounding clauses with a pair of commas. The sentence is a little wordy, anyway--I would cut it down to
"Alice had often wondered, since meeting Josette early freshman year, how someone so young could own her own business." Or
"Alice had often wondered, since meeting Josette early freshman year: How could someone so young own her own business?"

3) "...caramel colored hair"

Caramel-colored should be hyphenated, as it's a compound attributive adjective (appearing before the noun it modifies). If it appeared after the noun, e.g. "Her hair was caramel colored," it would not need a hyphen.

4) "...that she was a descendent Marie Laveau."

Insert an "of."

5) "Couple's costume contest."

This could go two ways. Chicago style would put the apostrophe after the S in "couples". AP style might leave out the apostrophe entirely. But an apostrophe should never fall before the S, whether it's a plural possessive or a plural attributive noun (it doesn't just belong to a single couple). Later on you have "singles contest," so you'd probably want to just get rid of the apostrophe.

6) "Her smile was so broad and full of sunshine, it almost appeared she had way too many teeth when she flashed it at you."

This sentence is made up of two independent clauses (they can stand alone), which can't be separated with a comma. You can replace the comma with a semicolon or the word "that." I'd choose "that."

I think the word "way" is superfluous, as well. "...almost appeared she had too many teeth" gets the point across just fine.

7) "He was wearing a dirty white t-shirt, covered in fake blood."

Delete the comma, as the second phrase is supposed to be a restrictive modifier of "t-shirt." Otherwise it sounds like it could be referring to the whole boy. If that's actually what you meant, it needs to be reworded to something like
"He was wearing a dirty white t-shirt, and was covered in fake blood."

8) "...and had a white linen smock that covering the front."

Revise to "smock that covered the front" or "smock covering the front."

9) "'I probably shouldn't even be going out with him again, but I really don't want to go downtown by myself.'"

Subjectively, I feel this sentence is redundant, since only a few lines earlier you wrote
"The only reason she hadn't broken up with him already was that she didn't want to go to Bourbon street alone..."
I would cut out, or just simplify, either sentence.

10) "...walk up daquiri shops."
"Walk-up" is another compound attributive adjective, and as such needs a hyphen.

11) "...huge Hurricane himself."
I'm not sure hurricane should be capitalized, especially as you didn't capitalize daquiri in the previous sentence. Maybe "Hurricane" as a proper noun is a N.O. thing.

12) "...just above her butt.."
Delete the extra period, unless you meant for this to be an ellipsis (and then, of course, add one).

13) "...skin tight lycra."
Lycra is a registered brand name and needs to be capitalized.

14) "Also when she smiled, Alice noticed that she also had glued fangs to her canine teeth, which were longer and sharper than normal."

a) I would change the first "Also" to "And", to avoid repetition.

b) "...when she smiled" is a murky modifier, because as it's written, the pronoun "she" pertains to Alice, not Josette. So it sounds like when *Alice* smiled, she noticed something. Replace that first "she" with "Josette" to clear that up.

c) The latter half is a little confusing, because the "which" clause is modifying "canine teeth", suggesting that her real teeth were sharper, regardless of the fangs. Now, I realize that this may indeed be the case. But you might not want to foreshadow the supernatural twist so soon. I think if you replaced the word "were" with "appeared", it would be more clear for readers while also leaving the door open to alternative possibilities.

I would try
"And when Josette smiled, Alice noticed that she had also glued fangs to her canine teeth, which appeared longer and sharper than normal."
Or
"Also, when Josette smiled, Alice noticed that she must have glued fangs to her canine teeth, which were now longer and sharper than usual."
Or
"Alice also noticed, when Josette smiled, that her canine teeth were longer and sharper than usual. A pair of prosthetic fangs had probably come with the contacts kit."

Thank you for letting me play doctor with your story, and I apologize if I have annoyed with these comments.

Ohhhhh.... YOU, I like.
What a gift of your time. Thanks for this; your comments and insights were a great read.

 

[vanmyers86]

If this is what you can dash off in an afternoon, I'd love to see what you can do with a whole week! Well done, mademoiselle!

Others have already covered the grammar issues. As for the French, I would have gone with cherie or ma chere, but that's probably just individual preference based on how I learned what little I know.