When you're the one left wanting ...

[Passion8nymph]

It's been a while since I have been here but felt compelled to post. I have a wonderful husband who I love very much, we compliment each other very well in most ways. Unfortunately there are some issues that leave me not quite getting my needs met, both emotionally and physically, particularly when he is struggling. He tends to cycle into depressed moods often. I am always accommodating but often feel I do more of the work, that his needs always trump mine and sexually I feel like my inner goddess is withering and dying while the potential time I could be thriving in my sexuality is dwindling. We were talking about the swing lifestyle, hotwife relationship or other couples but I'm not sure if that will fill the void. We have had a few bursts of incredible sensuality and sexual exploration just the two of us but we suddenly dropped off all flirtation, exploration, etc again because of another cycle.

I guess my frustration is when you're the spouse always left hanging what do you do? It feels so unfair to be unfulfilled and yet I feel like a horrible person and wife for feeling some resentment, especially since I truly understand what is happening and love him so much. I suppose it doesn't make it any less unfair or hard to deal with. I guess I'm writing this, hoping others identify and maybe I won't feel so alone.

 

[Armyguy85]

I too am left waiting

It’s the same for me and my wife. She too is on and off of the depressed mood swing cycle and no matter what I do can’t ever seem to get her back on track and our sex life has become non existent at this point and it’s hard

 

[Passion8nymph]

I hear you. I feel like it tends to be more unusual when it's the woman who is more sexually needy but it seems there are many more than I realized dealing with similar issues. Sometimes I think 'get over it, it's just sex' but then I think but sex is awesome! The fact I didn't let loose sexually when I was young but have all kinds of fantasies doesn't help.

 

[Beachaged]

It's been a while since I have been here but felt compelled to post. I have a wonderful husband who I love very much, we compliment each other very well in most ways. Unfortunately there are some issues that leave me not quite getting my needs met, both emotionally and physically, particularly when he is struggling. He tends to cycle into depressed moods often. I am always accommodating but often feel I do more of the work, that his needs always trump mine and sexually I feel like my inner goddess is withering and dying while the potential time I could be thriving in my sexuality is dwindling. We were talking about the swing lifestyle, hotwife relationship or other couples but I'm not sure if that will fill the void. We have had a few bursts of incredible sensuality and sexual exploration just the two of us but we suddenly dropped off all flirtation, exploration, etc again because of another cycle.

I guess my frustration is when you're the spouse always left hanging what do you do? It feels so unfair to be unfulfilled and yet I feel like a horrible person and wife for feeling some resentment, especially since I truly understand what is happening and love him so much. I suppose it doesn't make it any less unfair or hard to deal with. I guess I'm writing this, hoping others identify and maybe I won't feel so alone.

I don’t know if you’ve wandered into the sexless marriage thread but you are far from alone. There are many of us who are in the same situation. I think we c all have moments when we think we are the only people in this situation. I like checking in to the thread every other day or so to remind myself I’m not alone. My wish is we all find solutions to our problems and have great sexy lives. Until then we have each other.

 

[StudlyCowboy]

It's been a while since I have been here but felt compelled to post. I have a wonderful husband who I love very much, we compliment each other very well in most ways. Unfortunately there are some issues that leave me not quite getting my needs met, both emotionally and physically, particularly when he is struggling. He tends to cycle into depressed moods often. I am always accommodating but often feel I do more of the work, that his needs always trump mine and sexually I feel like my inner goddess is withering and dying while the potential time I could be thriving in my sexuality is dwindling. We were talking about the swing lifestyle, hotwife relationship or other couples but I'm not sure if that will fill the void. We have had a few bursts of incredible sensuality and sexual exploration just the two of us but we suddenly dropped off all flirtation, exploration, etc again because of another cycle.

I guess my frustration is when you're the spouse always left hanging what do you do? It feels so unfair to be unfulfilled and yet I feel like a horrible person and wife for feeling some resentment, especially since I truly understand what is happening and love him so much. I suppose it doesn't make it any less unfair or hard to deal with. I guess I'm writing this, hoping others identify and maybe I won't feel so alone.

I too, have experienced being the partner that got left wanting. My wife and I have been married for many years. For the first 20 years, we had extremely hot sex weekly. I'm the more adventuresome of the two of us. I was the Keeper of the Toy Box and the one that would bring new ideas into our lovemaking. We were both verbally creative when we had sex. I would ask my wife very naughty questions while I fucked her or licked her pussy. We had real life experience conversations and totally fantasy as well, always resulting in long, hard orgasms and I always made certain that she got to cum a couple of times before I would cum.

There was sporadic periods where my wife would withhold sex from me that I never could understand because she refused to discuss it, telling me that she just wasn't interested in sex. Her spells would last anywhere from 1-3 months , once going 4 months without making love. I thought I would lose my mind. I love sex and need lots of it, which we discussed before we got married. She would go through this phenomenon a couple of times a year. I was all I could do to live. I'd always done the little things that you're supposed to do. Send flowers randomly, go out spontaneously, help keep the house clean, etc to try and figure out what was wrong.

During this time, we met another couple and enjoyed them both, something unusual for us. Of course the subject of sex came about, followed by a year of cat and mouse between the four of us. It was discussed openly and when I fucked my wife, I would tell her how much I wanted to see her fucked by another guy and she would reciprocate, eventually using the other couples names in our play. It excited us all but we never pulled the trigger. Of course, the other wife and I happened to be the most attracted to each other and did absolutely nothing to hide it. Our partners knew full well that she and I wanted to experience each other. She and I encouraged our partners to give it a try to no avail.

We all seemed to accept ,it choosing to spare ourselves from the trouble it will bring. I was involved in an open marriage with my first wife so I speak from experience. So she and I took a different direction. We asked our spouses how they would feel if we had sex without them . Neither of them wanted to say no but wouldn't say yes either. After several years, we slowly drifted apart , spending some time together but not nearly what we had previously.

About two years later, without warning or explanation, my wife informed me that she was no longer interested in sex with me. When I pressed her as to why, She told me I was just too big and too much for her. That it hurt her. I accepted it but never understood what the hell happened. I asked her why we couldn't do oral sex so we could still enjoy some type of sex, or that I would love a good hand job. She refused to discuss it, saying she just wasn't interested. I tried my best for the first few years to remain faithful, giving her time to think it over but it was not to be. Her periodic lock-outs had just become a permanent thing and I was crushed. She'd taken one of my most favorite things right out of our relationship.

Of course it eventually drove me to cheat, something that I never wanted with her. I felt so abandoned that I didn't care what I did or what she thought about what I was doing. I think there was a modicum of relief for her that she knew. To this day, I've not been given any more answers than that. We are still together and love each other. Sex is something we simply don't discuss.

 

[Viper09]

It is really enlightening to think other people go through what you are going through yourself. I always feel so isolated in my life and the I read something like this and realise I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

They say love conquers all.. My love for my ex wife is a close second to the life for my son, however, that love wasn't enough to let my marriage survive.

 

[sunshinestate100]

I too have posted on the sexless marriage thread, since that post, I took the plunge and separated from my wife, it is now nearly 3 weeks since and all she does is message me saying she will change and be more affectionate if I go home.
Why has it taken for me to leave her before she decides she wants to change, I was always left wanting in the marriage, surely that is an emotion that is natural so if she hasnt had it in 17 years of marriage she cant turn it on now.

 

[afriendg]

What always amazes me, as I read these threads and empathize, is how our spouses expect us to just forget about that part of our relationship, like it somehow had an expiration date, and it’s now expired. I know there are emotional and medical issues, but the spouse who is withholding leaves their partner without a lot of choices..it’s selfish to expect your spouse, who you love and are committed to to live the rest of their lives without the very glue that holds a marriage together in the hard times. Most of the people writing in these threads would like nothing better than to have that relationship with their spouse, looking elsewhere is a last resort.

 

[billyhart]

7 years plus

I unfortunately am a member of the same issue.

my wife says it hurts to make love anymore. if i'm lucky she might let me go down on her but only till she cums once. ???

I love to go down on a lady this is a unfair issue.

then maybe ever other week she might be ok with me jacking off to her she might help maybe even use a p toy because it takes me so long to cum.

I love her but I am tired of only having sex with my hand I would love to find a woman in a similar situation to help each other out

in person preferred but even sky would be wonderful

like everyone else apparently she went thru menopause and lost all interest.

BUT mine has increased and I don' t ED actually the opposite It takes me a long time to cum...

 

[Series 6]

I too have posted on the sexless marriage thread, since that post, I took the plunge and separated from my wife, it is now nearly 3 weeks since and all she does is message me saying she will change and be more affectionate if I go home.
Why has it taken for me to leave her before she decides she wants to change, I was always left wanting in the marriage, surely that is an emotion that is natural so if she hasnt had it in 17 years of marriage she cant turn it on now.

My take is she is afraid to be alone and deal with the change of divorce. Sometimes we need to have the hammer dropped on us to come to a full realization that there is a consequence for our behavior/actions. Some call it the, "Come to Jesus moment."

In my opinion the conversation that you need to have with your wife is:

1. Does she truly understand and your desire for sex and intimacy?
2. Can she be honest and communicate her feelings about sex and be honest as to why she has her droughts with it?
3. What does she want and is it compatible with your desires?
4. Does she want to change or does is she doing this so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of divorce and the changes that it brings?

 

[Booboobear84]

My take is she is afraid to be alone and deal with the change of divorce. Sometimes we need to have the hammer dropped on us to come to a full realization that there is a consequence for our behavior/actions. Some call it the, "Come to Jesus moment."

In my opinion the conversation that you need to have with your wife is:

1. Does she truly understand and your desire for sex and intimacy?
2. Can she be honest and communicate her feelings about sex and be honest as to why she has her droughts with it?
3. What does she want and is it compatible with your desires?
4. Does she want to change or does is she doing this so she doesn't have to deal with the stress of divorce and the changes that it brings?

I would add. That you will need to listen as well. You will need to help her if you're going to succeed, and she will need your support so that she feels you're in this together.

 

[lonely_hubby60]

What always amazes me, as I read these threads and empathize, is how our spouses expect us to just forget about that part of our relationship, like it somehow had an expiration date, and it’s now expired. I know there are emotional and medical issues, but the spouse who is withholding leaves their partner without a lot of choices..it’s selfish to expect your spouse, who you love and are committed to to live the rest of their lives without the very glue that holds a marriage together in the hard times. Most of the people writing in these threads would like nothing better than to have that relationship with their spouse, looking elsewhere is a last resort.

I very much applaud your comment, afriendg. It sounds a bit harsh at first glance, but the way I see it, you hit the nail exactly on its head. One key phrase of yours is the glue that - otherwise - could hold a marriage together.

And I fear, the majority of public opinion is to blame at least partly. For allowing these inconsiderate and selfish partners to go on doing what they do. Excusing it and not recognizing how damaging their behavior is, at its core.

 

[Series 6]

I very much applaud your comment, afriendg. It sounds a bit harsh at first glance, but the way I see it, you hit the nail exactly on its head. One key phrase of yours is the glue that - otherwise - could hold a marriage together.

And I fear, the majority of public opinion is to blame at least partly. For allowing these inconsiderate and selfish partners to go on doing what they do. Excusing it and not recognizing how damaging their behavior is, at its core.

It's a tough situation. If one person's sexual desires and needs does not match with their partner's, it becomes a horribly painful issue. But what if one person really does not enjoy sex or what their partner wants? Forcing them isn't right. I'm starting to think that there is an epidemic of couples who are sexually incompatible, but are happy in most other aspects of their lives. Really, what is the solution? Sex shouldn't become a demanded duty from one partner, but how do we really solve it? It's sad that so many live in quiet desperation, but I was one of those people when I was married and I totally believe that my wife was too.

I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that a lot of the relationship counselors/therapists aren't skilled or equipped to help couples with it and too many couples are ashamed to talk about it

 

[Passion8nymph]

It's a tough situation. If one person's sexual desires and needs does not match with their partner's, it becomes a horribly painful issue. But what if one person really does not enjoy sex or what their partner wants? Forcing them isn't right. I'm starting to think that there is an epidemic of couples who are sexually incompatible, but are happy in most other aspects of their lives. Really, what is the solution? Sex shouldn't become a demanded duty from one partner, but how do we really solve it? It's sad that so many live in quiet desperation, but I was one of those people when I was married and I totally believe that my wife was too.

I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that a lot of the relationship counselors/therapists aren't skilled or equipped to help couples with it and too many couples are ashamed to talk about it

Since I posted this I haven't really been here much. It's probably been a couple weeks since I last logged in so I was surprised to see the thread revived and new PMs. Over the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about this and I think you are right there aren't enough skilled or equipped practitioners to deal with this. However I think we also don't open up and talk about sex or our wants/desires/feelings with people in our lives, in particular the ones we should be talking to - our partners. I think that is because of the fear of repercussions, what if your desires are outside the "norm" or against what society accepts?

I did talk to my husband and we had a really good start in improving our intimacy and communication. Then life got in the way again, another emotional slump has impacted our day to day. When I posted I was feeling sad and vulnerable. But then I realized I was falling into an old, toxic pattern. So I focused on communicating with him again, I listen to sex positive podcasts and tell him about them. I still masturbate and fantasize and he knows. We are well past a month since the last time we had sex but we have had intimate moments, some teasing, etc... And he acknowledged his desire but also that he has been in a funk and is working to overcome it.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that I decided to choose my partner and soulmate, accept him, love him and still be true to myself by being authentic and open with him, embracing and standing tall in my sexuality, not hiding and ashamed, keeping secrets from him. Do I still want his cock pounding into me, yes! Do I miss it, absolutely! Do I hope we will explore some of my fantasies, OMG yes! But now that we have both talked about everything and we both understand our separate desires and limitations we are healthier, more affectionate and intimate even if the intimacy is not intercourse. I hope anyone reading or following this thread will be able to find the same. I may lurk and read on here but I will be closing PMs.

 

[TTawhere]

What always amazes me, as I read these threads and empathize, is how our spouses expect us to just forget about that part of our relationship, like it somehow had an expiration date, and it’s now expired. I know there are emotional and medical issues, but the spouse who is withholding leaves their partner without a lot of choices..it’s selfish to expect your spouse, who you love and are committed to to live the rest of their lives without the very glue that holds a marriage together in the hard times. Most of the people writing in these threads would like nothing better than to have that relationship with their spouse, looking elsewhere is a last resort.

Spot on.

 

[Series 6]

Since I posted this I haven't really been here much. It's probably been a couple weeks since I last logged in so I was surprised to see the thread revived and new PMs. Over the last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about this and I think you are right there aren't enough skilled or equipped practitioners to deal with this. However I think we also don't open up and talk about sex or our wants/desires/feelings with people in our lives, in particular the ones we should be talking to - our partners. I think that is because of the fear of repercussions, what if your desires are outside the "norm" or against what society accepts?

I did talk to my husband and we had a really good start in improving our intimacy and communication. Then life got in the way again, another emotional slump has impacted our day to day. When I posted I was feeling sad and vulnerable. But then I realized I was falling into an old, toxic pattern. So I focused on communicating with him again, I listen to sex positive podcasts and tell him about them. I still masturbate and fantasize and he knows. We are well past a month since the last time we had sex but we have had intimate moments, some teasing, etc... And he acknowledged his desire but also that he has been in a funk and is working to overcome it.

Essentially, what I'm saying is that I decided to choose my partner and soulmate, accept him, love him and still be true to myself by being authentic and open with him, embracing and standing tall in my sexuality, not hiding and ashamed, keeping secrets from him. Do I still want his cock pounding into me, yes! Do I miss it, absolutely! Do I hope we will explore some of my fantasies, OMG yes! But now that we have both talked about everything and we both understand our separate desires and limitations we are healthier, more affectionate and intimate even if the intimacy is not intercourse. I hope anyone reading or following this thread will be able to find the same. I may lurk and read on here but I will be closing PMs.

I’ll be honest, and in some ways it’s a little embarrassing, I was on able to have that conversation with my ex. And I don’t think she was able to have it with me either. And it’s funny because when we went to marriage counseling before we got divorced the subject of sex and being satisfied with it was totally avoided. It felt like we started to broach it but then everyone including the counselor seem to slough it away. It’s one of the reasons that I’m actually going into relationship counseling now. Meaning I’m going back to school to become a relationship counselor. I feel like I have some insight that can help people make their relationship with they wanted to be. Feel free to PM me if you want more details.

 

[Espresso801]

monogamy

As Dan Savage often says, it's pretty unrealistic for us to expect our partner to be everything to us: best friend, roommate, coparent, romantic partner, sole source of sexual fulfillment. The ideas of soulmates and lifelong monogamous marriage put so much pressure on two people to completely satisfy all of the other's needs.

I think anyone in this situation has 3 options. In increasing order of risk:
-talk to your partner about your needs, and make it clear that you need them fulfilled. See if there's room for them to meet you at least halfway
-find other ways to fulfill your needs, ie on a forum like this. I find openly discussing my interests with likeminded people, and the occasional more graphic chat, can really help tide things over when things are quiet with your partner
-discuss an open marriage
-last resort: break up

Communication is always the best first step, but it's true sometimes partners can't provide everything you need. Sometimes they're limited by their body, or your tastes.

Good luck all!

 

[702Hotwheeler]

Your not alone

There are a lot of us who are sexually frustrated in our marrages being a man or woman. Ive been married 22 yrs and together for 26 yrs. As all relationships it seems like the sex is constant and ongoing in the begginning. I used to have all of the sex i wanted and so did she. For us it seemed as my wife changed when her mother passed about 10 yrs ago. She got into a daze for a long time and has mostly focused on herself. I worked while she stayed home and i let her be. I know she was going through a lot so i let he be and tried to work around things. Not too long ago she came out of it and sex is still off the board.. Depending how i mention it, she thinks its disgusting. For me its denial. Im a veteran who suffers from ptsd and depression. She puts me in a mood that takes me awhile to get out of. There have been a couple times ive strayed while working out of town that im not proud of but it released my sexual frustration. I come to lit to read stories like yours to know im not alone in this. It reassures me to read all of what everone has to say. So just know that your not alone! Hope to hear updates on your situation.

 

[seeshelly]

Most people need more sex

Some may view sex as a luxury item because, unlike food and water and air, we can live without it. However, the urge for sex is built into our DNA. It is a natural urge and suppressing any natural thing will result in problems. I think that human society has crafted all kinds of sexual taboos that are intended to control people. Men have used religious taboos to make their wives feel like they should be monogamous while the men on the other hand fuck around. It is a double standard.

But the truth is that both men and women need sex to be emotionally stable. I think that a lot of the tension in the world is caused by sexual frustrations that mold people's personalities in twisted ways.

My husband and I are in love and very close. But that has nothing to do with the fact that we both enjoy sexual variety. Jealousy and a desire to "own" another person and control them is what blocks people from enjoying married life that includes sexual variety. We opened our marriage a little less than 5 years ago and we are closer now then ever and we both are having better sex now then when we were young.

I think you should just talk openly about it with your husband.

 

[HybridEj]

I'm in a similar boat. My wife is a teacher and is having a very stressful school year, so since September there hasnt been a lot going on with us, she is always in a bad mood. That's why I started exploring online. I'm not looking to cheat or anything, but even talking with people makes it easier.

 

[ned63]

seeshelly, talked with my wife that has no interest in sex anymore. Didnt do any good. Wish she would let me have an open marriage like you do so i can have sex again with a woman instead of my hand. An by the way, such a ssexy body you have in your picture mmm