Aftercare For Doms

[ColdAssIce]

Guess I’m looking to start an open conversation about aftercare specifically pertaining to doms.

To subs: have you ever had to comfort your dom after a session gone wrong or if they simply felt bad afterwards?

To doms: Have you ever felt you crossed a line despite no one using the safeword? Do you feel comfortable receiving aftercare from your sub after a session, or do you think it thwarts the role?

I’ll start- I am a sub, I have comforted my lover after a session gone wrong. She felt guilty, like she had hurt me and made me uncomfortable, so I held her while she cried. We have re-evaluated our limits and had good conversations about it. But overall, it did not change the dynamic to our D/S relationship- except that it took some time and a few romps of Vanilla only to recover from the instance.

 

[Jada59]

One incident comes to mind. This was many years ago. He had me tied up, spread eagle and standing. He was using a belt on me and accidentally hit me between the legs. Not full on. It was like the end of it sort of whipped around and got me there.

He freaked! Immediately untied me, put me on the bed, held me, kissed me and apologized like crazy.

Thing is... I loved it wanted more. And... His next move was to ask me what I wanted. I wanted him to do more whipping there, but I didn't dare tell him that based on how upset he had gotten.

We never spoke of that again and he never tied me up like that again either. Sad.

 

[ColdAssIce]

One incident comes to mind. This was many years ago. He had me tied up, spread eagle and standing. He was using a belt on me and accidentally hit me between the legs. Not full on. It was like the end of it sort of whipped around and got me there.

He freaked! Immediately untied me, put me on the bed, held me, kissed me and apologized like crazy.

Thing is... I loved it wanted more. And... His next move was to ask me what I wanted. I wanted him to do more whipping there, but I didn't dare tell him that based on how upset he had gotten.

We never spoke of that again and he never tied me up like that again either. Sad.

Had y’all already discussed boundaries before this incident and this was included as one? If so, that would definitely explain the freak out, but for ease purposes? I differentiate boundaries from hard limits. In my relationship, boundaries are something we explore and seem to broaden. Hard limits are things we absolutely will never explore.

I can completely understand why you wouldn’t speak with him about it based off of his reaction, but I do also believe that from the subs position, it is a matter of risk vs reward. Regardless of roles, there is an emotional human being on either end, and all of us need to be treated with care. If you believe the risk of hurting your dom mentally/emotionally is too great as opposed to the reward, then it is never a bad decision to accept that some pleasures are best left in our imagination. It was sad though. And for the record, I hope someone whips you the way you like

 

[Jada59]

Had y’all already discussed boundaries before this incident and this was included as one? If so, that would definitely explain the freak out, but for ease purposes? I differentiate boundaries from hard limits. In my relationship, boundaries are something we explore and seem to broaden. Hard limits are things we absolutely will never explore.

I can completely understand why you wouldn’t speak with him about it based off of his reaction, but I do also believe that from the subs position, it is a matter of risk vs reward. Regardless of roles, there is an emotional human being on either end, and all of us need to be treated with care. If you believe the risk of hurting your dom mentally/emotionally is too great as opposed to the reward, then it is never a bad decision to accept that some pleasures are best left in our imagination. It was sad though. And for the record, I hope someone whips you the way you like

No. It wasn't a lifestyle for us. We just dabbled in it so no talk of boundaries but he clearly liked to push mine. He was older and much more experienced than me.

 

[ColdAssIce]

No. It wasn't a lifestyle for us. We just dabbled in it so no talk of boundaries but he clearly liked to push mine. He was older and much more experienced than me.

Interesting. I think even dabbling can benefit from speaking about boundaries! But to each their own, obviously. Though, if BDSM wasn’t really his cup of tea, the request may have in fact been too much for him. We’ll never know now though! Definitely sad.

 

[Lascivity]

I don't often need much aftercare, but I do really like to feel like a submissive partner cares about me and knows that I have emotions and needs as well. Makes me feel less like a kink vending machine compared with someone who never even contemplates that, as a dom, you might be anything less than fine.

 

[Blase]

Well, I do remember needing a bit of delayed aftercare, so to speak, back in 2006 after I met my first submissive partner here on Lit and we had our first phone session.

Things actually went fine, then after awhile we said goodnight and hung up. Only then did I freak out. Seriously, I started thinking that I had just done this very intimate thing over the phone with a virtual stranger, and suddenly it all seemed like a bad idea.

Anyway, the next time we got on the phone, I started to stammer something to that effect to my new sub, but she didn't let me get more than a few words out before telling me that she'd enjoyed herself the previous night, and been so comfortable and contented that she'd curled up and gone right to sleep afterward.

That was all it took to get me to shrug off my attack of nerves, and the memory still helps me to keep in mind that D/s, either online or in person, isn't some kind of weird, exotic source of danger (it does of course demand a certain caution, as other intimate relationships do) but just another kind of interaction between (generally) two people.

 

[ColdAssIce]

I don't often need much aftercare, but I do really like to feel like a submissive partner cares about me and knows that I have emotions and needs as well. Makes me feel less like a kink vending machine compared with someone who never even contemplates that, as a dom, you might be anything less than fine.

No one should feel like a kink vending machine! (Unless that's what they'd like.) It is natural for any person to want to feel cared for and considered!

 

[ColdAssIce]

Well, I do remember needing a bit of delayed aftercare, so to speak, back in 2006 after I met my first submissive partner here on Lit and we had our first phone session.

Things actually went fine, then after awhile we said goodnight and hung up. Only then did I freak out. Seriously, I started thinking that I had just done this very intimate thing over the phone with a virtual stranger, and suddenly it all seemed like a bad idea.

Anyway, the next time we got on the phone, I started to stammer something to that effect to my new sub, but she didn't let me get more than a few words out before telling me that she'd enjoyed herself the previous night, and been so comfortable and contented that she'd curled up and gone right to sleep afterward.

That was all it took to get me to shrug off my attack of nerves, and the memory still helps me to keep in mind that D/s, either online or in person, isn't some kind of weird, exotic source of danger (it does of course demand a certain caution, as other intimate relationships do) but just another kind of interaction between (generally) two people.

I am glad that your new sub was able to help you find that comfort. I used to think I was some kind of freak for wanting all I wanted, sometimes I still do. But on good days I remind myself that everyone has different kinds of desires, and all of us are pretty much weird. That said, just gotta enjoy what you like with consent and safety!

 

[DayDreamerZN]

I actually had this experience years ago with my Dom at the time.

In my case though he got so carried away he didn't hear my use of the safe word.

I was in an absolute state because he crossed a major boundary for me. It was only quite a bit later when I couldn't take further instruction that he stopped and questioned me.

He didn't say a word when I told him what had happened. He had this crazy dark look in his eyes. He untied me straight away and I burst into tears and recoiled. He took it really hard knowing he had hurt me and possibly broken our trust. The very foundation on which we had built our relationship. He sat on the floor next me to and pulled me onto his lap. I sobbed my heart out and the funny thing is he cried too. I could actually feel the wetness from his tears run down my neck.

Our relationship didn't survive that.

 

[chame1eon]

One incident comes to mind. This was many years ago. He had me tied up, spread eagle and standing. He was using a belt on me and accidentally hit me between the legs. Not full on. It was like the end of it sort of whipped around and got me there.

He freaked! Immediately untied me, put me on the bed, held me, kissed me and apologized like crazy.

Thing is... I loved it wanted more. And... His next move was to ask me what I wanted. I wanted him to do more whipping there, but I didn't dare tell him that based on how upset he had gotten.

We never spoke of that again and he never tied me up like that again either. Sad.

Aww. Thats too bad.