I really need to vent....about dating sites/wanting a relationship

[yuoke]

I know this isn't the best or right place, but I don't feel comfortable doing this somewhere else and just have to let it off. I've had a few relationships, although none for a few years now, but not out of lack of trying. The thing is that I just don't like going out to bars, parties, etc. I'm introverted and I wouldn't want to hypothetically meet someone like that because it's not who I am. So I can't really think of irl places to even try where I could ever meet someone that would make sense.
Dating sites, okc, tinder, etc are just brutal, probably moreso for guys. I don't like talking about this, but I've been told, I guess objectively for the most part that I can be like...a "7" or skmething if I look cleaned up. I put up the best possible pictures I can even though I'm not that photogenic. I put up just some standard description stuff about me and what interests I like. I barely get any matches, and the majority I do are with...well girls I just am not attracted to basically at all, and I don't even have super high standards, and I like imperfections and stuff. I hate saying that, but I have to be blunt about this right now. I'm not going to literally force myself with someone, but I seriously want a long term thing and have now for maybe close to 2 years. I'm just at a loss now because it's gotten so demoralizing. Sorry for the ramble and doubt any one will respond.


Edit-I'm 27 btw.

 

[filt]

I’m sorry to hear that.

I wouldn’t dream of telling you what to do or how to about it because above everything else, you have to be yourself. You say that looks are not the be all and end all and that’s great. I’d imagine others will have a similar belief system.

I guess the key is the words you write about yourself. That’s your key to standing out. Personally, I go out there with either something well worded explaining what I do and don’t like in the hope I resonate. Perhaps go with wild humour to catch someone’s attention or explain your passions to see if it ticks a box for someone else.

Either way, sorry you’re struggling. Chin up and don’t give up.

 

[Trulydominant]

I get where your coming from. Being able to go out and find someone has always been difficult for me. So many friends have tried in the past to set me up and it never seemed to work. I know hearing that it will happen in time doesn’t seem to ease the issues and concerns that you have.

It’s very hard to find a connection when your sitting in a bar having a drink and know that many of the individuals are just there to hook up and run. You want to find that true connection that could possibly last forever.

The dating sites are a joke in many ways. “Wow they are hot let’s swipe and find out if it a match.” That doesn’t work. I guess more Finding friends on a plutonic stage tends to bring you someone that you will find that true connection with.

Not gonna blow sunshine up your ass at all. Be who you are and realize that that almost perfect individual will be waiting right around the corner. Yes it takes time but isn’t it worth it in the end?

 

[yuoke]

I get where your coming from. Being able to go out and find someone has always been difficult for me. So many friends have tried in the past to set me up and it never seemed to work. I know hearing that it will happen in time doesn’t seem to ease the issues and concerns that you have.

It’s very hard to find a connection when your sitting in a bar having a drink and know that many of the individuals are just there to hook up and run. You want to find that true connection that could possibly last forever.

The dating sites are a joke in many ways. “Wow they are hot let’s swipe and find out if it a match.” That doesn’t work. I guess more Finding friends on a plutonic stage tends to bring you someone that you will find that true connection with.

Not gonna blow sunshine up your ass at all. Be who you are and realize that that almost perfect individual will be waiting right around the corner. Yes it takes time but isn’t it worth it in the end?

Yea, but it's even like on okcupid, supposedly tons are there to find a true connection, say they don't just care about looks, have a decent amount in common. I message a bunch with something simple enough and nice, and either nothing in response or sometimes something rude like "lol yea no thanks". Like, are they expecting brad pitt or chris evans to come there and message them?

 

[Trulydominant]

It’s hard to say.
Sometimes many have a set standard that they are looking for and they refuse to see the person inside. Even if they have an idea as to physically what they want they forget in 50 years it won’t matter.
Society has become this way and people have been taught that looks are everything g and the person within is always secondary.
It’s sad we have become that way.

 

[TXTongueTwister]

I know this isn't the best or right place, but I don't feel comfortable doing this somewhere else and just have to let it off. I've had a few relationships, although none for a few years now, but not out of lack of trying. The thing is that I just don't like going out to bars, parties, etc. I'm introverted and I wouldn't want to hypothetically meet someone like that because it's not who I am. So I can't really think of irl places to even try where I could ever meet someone that would make sense.
Dating sites, okc, tinder, etc are just brutal, probably moreso for guys. I don't like talking about this, but I've been told, I guess objectively for the most part that I can be like...a "7" or skmething if I look cleaned up. I put up the best possible pictures I can even though I'm not that photogenic. I put up just some standard description stuff about me and what interests I like. I barely get any matches, and the majority I do are with...well girls I just am not attracted to basically at all, and I don't even have super high standards, and I like imperfections and stuff. I hate saying that, but I have to be blunt about this right now. I'm not going to literally force myself with someone, but I seriously want a long term thing and have now for maybe close to 2 years. I'm just at a loss now because it's gotten so demoralizing. Sorry for the ramble and doubt any one will respond.


Edit-I'm 27 btw.

Hate to hear that. I've had tons of luck on dating sites, so I would have suggested that. I am very extroverted so that probably plays a factor. I'd say keep trying.....dating sites do work but you have to keep at it. As far as being an introvert I don't have an answer on that one. Sorry.

 

[Fleurdelille]

If you want a chance on Tinder you need to delete and start fresh.

Tinder is the epitome of superficial. You get seconds to make an impression. Hate if it you like, but if you want to dive in the ocean you better bring your scuba gear.

For an introvert, you gotta challenge your comfort zone. I'm a die-hard fantasy nerd, introveryt lone wolf kind of guy and I had alot of success. I've had plenty of flings, flirts and ons, I've had a couple of long term relationships. Last time around I met my wife. But I failed plenty too. Don't be discouraged.

Don't make the assumptions that girls on a place like Tinder are shallow just because you need to stick out to get matches. I'm telling you from experience, they aren't. Most of them anyways. It's not the girl's fault it is like this so don't fault them, they are bombarded with men liking them. Many willing to go well and beyond to get their attention.

You need a new pic. Wear a red shirt, don't laugh, this is science. Clean up. Get your hair sorted, go outside. If you have a nice car, use it as props, otherwise go somewhere interesting like a park, by a fountain, by the ocean or whatever. Practice your best smile. Add a pic from a vacation/a time spent travelling. Maybe add a pic that shows your humours side, in a light-hearted way. Don't add too many pictures.

Now for the profile. Don't be like everyone else. Ladies will take one look at your standard profile shit and click next. This is your biggest mistake. Never write too much about your interests/hobbies in a profile, its such a free and easy way to bridge a conversation later. If she is interested she will be asking anyway. If you desperately want to talk about yourself (and have a respectable job) mention it, otherwise write about your ambitions. Having ambitions is attractive.

Be positive, dare to be confident, even slightly cocky. Use your humor. The second best thing to confidence is the ability to make her laugh. Also, don't be afraid to challenge her, just be sincere about it. Be clear with what you want. Write about what you are looking for in a relationship. You want a serious relationship? Tell her. Tell her you are done one with one-night-stands and brief relationships. That you want more. Something grown up. You want a serious relationship and that you are not afraid of it. It's all about the message you are projecting. If you want an example I'll give you one

Don't let the fact that you are introverted or a 7 stop you. You can look like shit and you'll still get women if you are able to sell yourself well. You can learn to do this without being insincere, or acting like something you are not.

 

[barefootgirl69]

What are some of the things you like to do?

I think the best way to meet people is by doing every day things. I had a better chance of meeting someone whose interests matched mine.

As an introvert, it's harder. You have to be "inviting" and smile and talk more than you'd like, but it's those "hey, that looks interesting" conversations that open up to more.

Best wishes

 

[LostGirlTink]

Yea, but it's even like on okcupid, supposedly tons are there to find a true connection, say they don't just care about looks, have a decent amount in common. I message a bunch with something simple enough and nice, and either nothing in response or sometimes something rude like "lol yea no thanks". Like, are they expecting brad pitt or chris evans to come there and message them?

Well here's a question, what is an example of what you think are a simple and nice enough message?

Because I can tell you from messages I've received here, and messages friends have received on dating sites what people send that they think is cute, or funny or simple and nice, can sometimes come across completely differently.

Also... they aren't waiting for brad pitt, or chris evans or scarlett johannsen to message them, they are waiting for someone that attracts them that way. Wouldn't you want someone you partner with to find you that attractive?

 

[yuoke]

Well here's a question, what is an example of what you think are a simple and nice enough message?

Because I can tell you from messages I've received here, and messages friends have received on dating sites what people send that they think is cute, or funny or simple and nice, can sometimes come across completely differently.

Also... they aren't waiting for brad pitt, or chris evans or scarlett johannsen to message them, they are waiting for someone that attracts them that way. Wouldn't you want someone you partner with to find you that attractive?

Different variety of messages. A lot maybe being hi/hey and just maybe a quick comment about something they like from their profile. Is there something specific that is the best to say?

And I obviously know they want to find someone they are attracted to, but that's why it ends up feeling demoralizing that I can put the best possible pictures I can up and I guess am apparently attractive to almost no one. Even though I have been told before that I somewhat am pending that I looked cleaned up.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Different variety of messages. A lot maybe being hi/hey and just maybe a quick comment about something they like from their profile. Is there something specific that is the best to say?

And I obviously know they want to find someone they are attracted to, but that's why it ends up feeling demoralizing that I can put the best possible pictures I can up and I guess am apparently attractive to almost no one. Even though I have been told before that I somewhat am pending that I looked cleaned up.

Truth be told, I'm not going to bother to respond to a hey/hi message with a quick message, and most women I know won't either. If it doesn't have something in it... a little effort, if it doesn't look like you actually spent a few minutes thinking I was worth sending a message to, then we assume you copy and paste and that you aren't going to be worth a real reply. It's not YOUR fault that's become our default setting but it's the sad reality.

 

[yuoke]

Truth be told, I'm not going to bother to respond to a hey/hi message with a quick message, and most women I know won't either. If it doesn't have something in it... a little effort, if it doesn't look like you actually spent a few minutes thinking I was worth sending a message to, then we assume you copy and paste and that you aren't going to be worth a real reply. It's not YOUR fault that's become our default setting but it's the sad reality.

But I have also tried some other ones too. Like a longer message with other stuff, and also no response. It's a lose lose I guess. Either come off not caring, or come off as pushy or even creepy or weird. It's just brutal for guys that aren't 10/10 I guess. I don't have any answers at this point.

 

[LostGirlTink]

But I have also tried some other ones too. Like a longer message with other stuff, and also no response. It's a lose lose I guess. Either come off not caring, or come off as pushy or even creepy or weird. It's just brutal for guys that aren't 10/10 I guess. I don't have any answers at this point.

Well then obviously it's only that women must be THAT shallow.
Obviously.

I was being sincere.. but you seem to want to whine not want actual advice. Noted.

 

[yuoke]

Well then obviously it's only that women must be THAT shallow.
Obviously.

I was being sincere.. but you seem to want to whine not want actual advice. Noted.

How am I whining? I'm saying I legitimatelly just don't know what to do.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Different variety of messages. A lot maybe being hi/hey and just maybe a quick comment about something they like from their profile. Is there something specific that is the best to say?

And I obviously know they want to find someone they are attracted to, but that's why it ends up feeling demoralizing that I can put the best possible pictures I can up and I guess am apparently attractive to almost no one. Even though I have been told before that I somewhat am pending that I looked cleaned up.

Okay this is gonna come off a little harsh but just a few things to think on....

A) interesting that you judge women on their looks and then get upset when they do the same.well girls I just am not attracted to basically at all,. And yeah I see that you don't have super high standards but let me ask....are you even talking with them or are you deciding you aren't attracted right off the bat so you don't look any further? If so, that may he something to think about. Also just because you aren't attracted to them, so? It doesn't hurt anything to strike up a friendship. The best way to gain access to women is through other women. Women who can vouch for you. I can't tell you how many male friends I have set up with some of my female friends.

B) while a Hey/Hi message is nice, it doesn't give anything tobrespond to.

Hey! I like your comment on X thread. My response is Thanks and I move on. I mean what else is there to say?
I suggest you ask an open ended question. Something that gives her something to respond to. This really works if you've done a little research and can ask a question about something she is passionate about. Like So I saw you enjoy deep sea fishing. Me too! What kind of lures are you using? Do you have any favorite places to fish?.


Just my thoughts. Good luck

 

[yuoke]

Okay this is gonna come off a little harsh but just a few things to think on....

A) interesting that you judge women on their looks and then get upset when they do the same.well girls I just am not attracted to basically at all,. And yeah I see that you don't have super high standards but let me ask....are you even talking with them or are you deciding you aren't attracted right off the bat so you don't look any further? If so, that may he something to think about. Also just because you aren't attracted to them, so? It doesn't hurt anything to strike up a friendship. The best way to gain access to women is through other women. Women who can vouch for you. I can't tell you how many male friends I have set up with some of my female friends.

B) while a Hey/Hi message is nice, it doesn't give anything tobrespond to.

Hey! I like your comment on X thread. My response is Thanks and I move on. I mean what else is there to say?
I suggest you ask an open ended question. Something that gives her something to respond to. This really works if you've done a little research and can ask a question about something she is passionate about. Like So I saw you enjoy deep sea fishing. Me too! What kind of lures are you using? Do you have any favorite places to fish?.


Just my thoughts. Good luck

Well I didn't want to say it in a mean way, but when I say ones I'm not attractive to, I mean outright very obese. I don't like to be mean, but yea...like I have to be blunt to explain that part then.

For the second part, I have done that sometimes and it doesn't usually do anything. Someone says they are into some type of game or a movie or something, and I message them something about it. No reply.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Well I didn't want to say it in a mean way, but when I say ones I'm not attractive to, I mean outright very obese. I don't like to be mean, but yea...like I have to be blunt to explain that part then.

For the second part, I have done that sometimes and it doesn't usually do anything. Someone says they are into some type of game or a movie or something, and I message them something about it. No reply.

Okay so you explained yourself but didn't answer the second part of the question. Is obesity an impediment to simply being friends?

 

[yuoke]

Okay so you explained yourself but didn't answer the second part of the question. Is obesity an impediment to simply being friends?

No it's not, but even then, a lot of the ones that said yes to me don't even have any same interests. I could check now see some saying they like hunting, fishing, bonfires, etc.

 

[blulilacgrl]

No it's not, but even then, a lot of the ones that said yes to me don't even have any same interests. I could check now see some saying they like hunting, fishing, bonfires, etc.

Have you asked or are you assuming?

It sounds like (and maybe I'm misreading or misunderstanding you) but it sounds like you are getting annoyed at women treating you the same way you treat women. I mean, if your thought is that you aren't attracted to them because they're fat, so why even bother with them at all, well why should someone else give you a chance if you don't bowl them over with your physical appearance? Just something to consider. Good luck.

 

[HayleyLuvsSex]

Yeah online dating can be a shit show for sure. Everyone has dry spells

 

[yuoke]

Have you asked or are you assuming?

It sounds like (and maybe I'm misreading or misunderstanding you) but it sounds like you are getting annoyed at women treating you the same way you treat women. I mean, if your thought is that you aren't attracted to them because they're fat, so why even bother with them at all, well why should someone else give you a chance if you don't bowl them over with your physical appearance? Just something to consider. Good luck.

I mean that's kind of what I am saying I guess. I am demoralized because I am in pretty good shape and have been told I'm pretty good looking when cleaned up. If I can't even get responses online from some that are similar to me in ways, it's just demoralizing. I feel like I can't do anything more to find a relationship with someone in a right way. Theoretically I could like just work out and lift weights, get bulked up and meet someone at a bar or gym or something, but that isn't me and I don't want to fake myself.

 

[LostGirlTink]

I mean that's kind of what I am saying I guess. I am demoralized because I am in pretty good shape and have been told I'm pretty good looking when cleaned up. If I can't even get responses online from some that are similar to me in ways, it's just demoralizing. I feel like I can't do anything more to find a relationship with someone in a right way. Theoretically I could like just work out and lift weights, get bulked up and meet someone at a bar or gym or something, but that isn't me and I don't want to fake myself.

So what? You're in good shape and you're ok looking. Big deal.
What about you makes you interesting? Why are you special? Why should they be interested in you? Make yourself worth replying to is what I was saying.

 

[blulilacgrl]

I mean that's kind of what I am saying I guess. I am demoralized because I am in pretty good shape and have been told I'm pretty good looking when cleaned up. If I can't even get responses online from some that are similar to me in ways, it's just demoralizing. I feel like I can't do anything more to find a relationship with someone in a right way. Theoretically I could like just work out and lift weights, get bulked up and meet someone at a bar or gym or something, but that isn't me and I don't want to fake myself.

Or....and this is just a thought...or you could set aside the emphasis on physical appearance and get to know people for who they are (beyond what they look like). You could stop looking for"the one" and work on just getting to know a variety of people (through whom you might just meet "the one"). You could recognize how much it hurts to be judged solely on appearance and make an effort to stop doing that to other people.

Or you know, do it your way....

 

[savethebeebees]

No offense, but it sounds to me like you're trying to place the blame of your relationship issues on other people. If you think you're attractive + other people have told you you are and you're still having issues it's still not the other persons fault. Either they just have a specific taste or you're giving off red flags/bad vibes. Being attractive doesn't make up for a bad personality. The only time it does is with one night stands. I can tell you just by the way you wrote this post something turns me off. I don't know what you look like. You could literally look like the most perfect specimen of a man and there'd still be that little voice in my head telling me that something was "off" about it. I'm not saying this to be mean, I just want you to understand that girls take a lot of subconscious queues about how you talk when taking into consideration how attracted they are to you. Especially when it comes to online dating. Also, I could be completely wrong, but that's just my thoughts on that. Again, no offense intended, I'm just laying my thoughts out there for you in case you're interested in hearing them.

 

[yuoke]

No offense, but it sounds to me like you're trying to place the blame of your relationship issues on other people. If you think you're attractive + other people have told you you are and you're still having issues it's still not the other persons fault. Either they just have a specific taste or you're giving off red flags/bad vibes. Being attractive doesn't make up for a bad personality. The only time it does is with one night stands. I can tell you just by the way you wrote this post something turns me off. I don't know what you look like. You could literally look like the most perfect specimen of a man and there'd still be that little voice in my head telling me that something was "off" about it. I'm not saying this to be mean, I just want you to understand that girls take a lot of subconscious queues about how you talk when taking into consideration how attracted they are to you. Especially when it comes to online dating. Also, I could be completely wrong, but that's just my thoughts on that. Again, no offense intended, I'm just laying my thoughts out there for you in case you're interested in hearing them.

This was the entire point of what I have said though. How can I give off any vibes by just simple intro messages? It's saying that even with just some nice messages commenting on something they like or something, it doesn't matter....for some reason. Then I just have to assume that reason is my looks. It's not like I am getting on tons of actual dates and then making them not like me.