Sexless Marriages

[Jackba57]

First post and this thread really hit home.

My wife has never had a high sex drive (once a week when we met and she was lay 20’s, me early 30’s), down to 2 or 3 times a month 10 years later and then just fell off a cliff.

Currently over a year since we had sex with no explanation I do remember we’ve had sex 3 times in the last 3 years.

She seemed to enjoy it too, but really only receiving (especially oral, which I love giving), although she didn’t seem to enjoy exploring my body.

I’m 52 now and could easily have sex 3 or 4 times a week. I don’t have the confidence to really seek out a partner elsewhere and will probably use an escort given another year without. Oddly enough, she talks about the future, travelling etc when the boys (currently 14 & 15) don’t want to come with us.

She shows absolutely no physical affection whatsoever other then a quick peck of a kiss most (but not all) mornings and nights. No hugs, touches etc and if I try one on her, it’s like hugging a board.

Sleeping separately for 3 or 4 years (because I snore, which wouldn’t stop use getting together for intimacy) and yet she said that not sleeping together damages our relationship and yet she’s the one who decided we wouldn’t. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Frightened to start a conversation that might end up with us separating (which I don’t want) yet getting very close to the point where I’d refuse to have sex if she offered as I don’t want to a enjoy it only to have it taken away again.

Satisfying myself with porn, stories on here, online sex chat if I can find anyone, fantasies about the receptionists at work etc

Dunno what to do... suck it up I guess if I can’t find a friend with benefits or won’t use an escort.

Exactly the same. Pre marriage...at least once a day. After marriage...hmmm...not so much. Then she had an affair resulting in pregnancy. After I got over THAT. Maybe once a week, never very into it.

Far forward 40 years later. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Still my buddy. Still talking about going places, doing things. Not a kiss, hug, wink. Peck in the morning. Peck at night. She sleeps so far away from me I’m afraid she’ll fall off the bed.

I get the distinct impression that she no longer thinks of me “that way”. She puts up with me, but doesn’t really like me. Not as a mate.

Fuck if I know.

 

[Jimmy167]

Sadly yes!

I keep seeing this thread at the top so i'm definitely not alone in this. Its been years since anything really, I almost can't believe it. It affects my mood, my confidence with her, it makes me feel like less! I think some people can get through life without sex but i'm not one of them so it's a killer.

 

[Jackba57]

My problem is she has a much bigger sex drive than me but devote all her time and sexual energy to getting it from other guys and can't be bothered even trying to see if i am interested.

I’d be gaze gray and underway from that relationship. If open marriage doesn’t excite the hell out of you both, bring you closer, she needs dumped.

 

[WizardSoDirty]

There may be opportunities that I just missed. I think my radar may have been damaged over the years and I don’t pick up those signals from women as well as I used to. I will need to pay closer attention. Time will tell.

I get it. When I think I'm picking up on something I get into a "Is that really what I think it is, or is she just being friendly" loop sometimes. Often when I'm reasonably sure she might be interested it's a situation that's not especially suited to either getting the conversation to a point where you could ask "Would you like to go have some coffee" or whatever although once I was in line, or actually at the counter with a line of people behind me and the girl serving me was probably one of the prettiest women I'd ever seen. I blurted out something so goofy I thought "Oh shit that's not going to work WTF did I say that?"

It was a fast food place where you're outside at a window and there were at least 8 people behind me and I became conscious of being on display. I was afraid to look as I knew everyone must've heard and I expected to have my humiliation compounded by having to see the "you're a silly SOB" expressions of everyone when I would turn to leave with my order.

I'm not sure she even looked straight at me or slowed down from putting things in the sack and said "You know, I get off in about 15 minutes would you like to give me a ride?"
I forgot all about those other people in my confusion but I'd give anything to have seen their faces. I'm sure they must have been wondering it they'd been dropped in an alternate reality.

We ended up going out for a little over two years. I don't remember why we split, there was no cheating or big fight or anything like that. I could see us getting married she was smart and mostly level headed.
I sort of knew it couldn't last though, she got so much attention everywhere we went and I didn't blame her for enjoying that. She knew how to dress to show off but she would've been just as stunning in a burlap sack.

I saw her maybe a year later and I felt kind of sorry for her. She'd had perfect full round tits and she'd had a kid which caused them to deflate and hang flat down like some native women you see in National Geographic. Still she was very pretty. Later when my wife and I were living together before we got married a friend of mine brought her over. She and my wife (then GF) were talking about whatever and the subject of a dance club that was popular came up and they ended up hanging out that evening and going there.
My wife told me about being amazed as practically every guy in the place asked her to dance and also at how she didn't seem to think anything of it.

My wife says they compared notes on me and she had thought about inviting her to have a threesome with us but knowing our history she was afraid she might steal me away. Seems like when she come up in conversation she makes a point of telling me that. But there was no way that would've happened.

We haven't seen her in years, no idea what became of her.

 

[Jackba57]

Duly noted! Next edition will include both options.

One other option. You actually still love her and miss the intimacy WITH HER severely. Your mind goes over and over how hurt she would be if she found out. She thinks 60’s just comes with zero sex drive. She thinks it’s totally normal since it’s her brain and thoughts we are talking about. She has complain a couple of times about missing that IM FUCKING HORNY LETS DO IT! Feeling.

So there is the I don’t want to hurt my best friend but I’m also not dead option.

 

[Jackba57]

I'm so over not having a sex life. I'm pretty sure I've reentered virgin territory

Have you re-virginized? I have. I’m not sure Mr. Happy knows north from south!

 

[TTawhere]

One other option. You actually still love her and miss the intimacy WITH HER severely. Your mind goes over and over how hurt she would be if she found out. She thinks 60’s just comes with zero sex drive. She thinks it’s totally normal since it’s her brain and thoughts we are talking about. She has complain a couple of times about missing that IM FUCKING HORNY LETS DO IT! Feeling.

So there is the I don’t want to hurt my best friend but I’m also not dead option.

Man. This sounds awfully familiar. I'm in that "I love her and don't want to hurt her" space, but I'm also in the, "I have needs" and "I'm not quite dead, yet!" camp. It's been so long, I think I've become a virgin again by default. The sad part is that when I go out - to the supermarket, whatever - I seem to draw the eye of some attractive women who will smile and wink at me, so I must still have some of "it". Still, I haven't yet found the willingness to act on it because of the "I love her and don't want to hurt her" part. Am I just being stupid?

I know that I can't ask her for an "open" marriage. From previous conversations about marital fidelity, I know where that will go...

Frankly, my frustrations are one of the reasons I came here. Basically it was to relive the memories of my sex life and experiences that happened and write about them. I'm just getting started, but you've got to start somewhere.

 

[bbwAlexa]

Together for 6 years. Married 3. Sex life so boring now. If we have sex its the same position. Vanilla boring.

 

[TTawhere]

Together for 6 years. Married 3. Sex life so boring now. If we have sex its the same position. Vanilla boring.

On the bright side, you _have_ vanilla.

 

[Yerkiddin]

I was once the volunteer "boy toy" for a married woman who'd been given permission to cheat. Her husband had blood sugar issues he was failing to deal with to the point he'd lost the ability to have erections, and since he did not want to bother with all the things he'd need to change in his life (particularly the drinking) he'd told her to find someone else to fuck her.

The woman in question was 40-something and my trainer at the gym I attended. Most of our actual sex happened when she would leave early for work and drop by for immediate sex, then head to work for a shower before she started. (It can be handy to work at a gym!) I've always been something of a morning person, and sex was the best way to start a day, and at 30, I didn't have to have foreplay, anyhow.

This was actually fine until I got invited over for "movie night" one night. (The husband spent that night elsewhere, I don't know where) I don't remember doting on the kids at all (3 girls, 5 to 9?) but I do tend to like kids. The next time their Daddy was home, they couldn't stop talking about me, and Daddy said, "No more of this guy!"

 

[DDBustyBrit]

So it’s a year this week since the last time an attempt was even made! Honestly it’s an anniversary I’m not even bothered by, which may be the saddest thing of all.

The sexual attraction is gone, we are like best friends, I can wander around here here topless or in Victoria’s Secrets finest and get no reaction. It’s him, he’s just not interested, got some joint issues that keep him in pain and he’s ten years older.

So I moved into the other bedroom, found a local girlfriend, a not so local kinky hot lover to have fun with and I’m surviving for now.

I know there are others much worse off than I am, at least we’re friends and there is no bitterness. But the day for the discussion about me taking a lover openly is approaching and I’m beginning to believe it won’t be an issue!

Hugs to all in this ‘difficult’ thread

 

[MutualMatureMike]

So it’s a year this week since the last time an attempt was even made! Honestly it’s an anniversary I’m not even bothered by, which may be the saddest thing of all.

The sexual attraction is gone, we are like best friends, I can wander around here here topless or in Victoria’s Secrets finest and get no reaction. It’s him, he’s just not interested, got some joint issues that keep him in pain and he’s ten years older.

So I moved into the other bedroom, found a local girlfriend, a not so local kinky hot lover to have fun with and I’m surviving for now.

I know there are others much worse off than I am, at least we’re friends and there is no bitterness. But the day for the discussion about me taking a lover openly is approaching and I’m beginning to believe it won’t be an issue!

Hugs to all in this ‘difficult’ thread

I find the thread anything but difficult because knowing you're not alone really does make a positive difference. Seeing how other people have found some way of coping, an accomodation to the situation is helpful. For those of us with partners unwilling, disinterested or unable because of pain or illness, having others in the same boat share the emotions conflicts and feelings is a kind of inspiration or support.

 

[Spiritedlady]

What I find difficult is people messaging me to tell me they know how I feel. You then discover that their idea of sexless is “ only” getting laid twice a month. Yes I appreciate you want more but that is not remotely the same. I also don’t need to be told that I need to “ open a bottle of wine and have a chat” with my husband. And no we did not have hot sex on our recent holiday and neither did i hook up for hot sex with a stranger.... because you know.... I’m on holiday with my family. I guess the intention is not to hurt me but by god they make it difficult.

 

[spawnofdavey]

Twice a month would be glorious.

 

[Polranny]

What I find difficult is people messaging me to tell me they know how I feel. You then discover that their idea of sexless is “ only” getting laid twice a month. Yes I appreciate you want more but that is not remotely the same. I also don’t need to be told that I need to “ open a bottle of wine and have a chat” with my husband. And no we did not have hot sex on our recent holiday and neither did i hook up for hot sex with a stranger.... because you know.... I’m on holiday with my family. I guess the intention is not to hurt me but by god they make it difficult.

Well said, SL. There comes a time when you can be affable, mellowed with fine wine and aphrodisia but nothing will, nor is it likely to happen. So we plod along, wishing, hoping but knowing that the relationship has become platonic.Companship, nothing more; we accept it , no arguments, and seek comfort elsewhere be it openly or clandestine, life goes on.

 

[Beachaged]

What I find difficult is people messaging me to tell me they know how I feel. You then discover that their idea of sexless is “ only” getting laid twice a month. Yes I appreciate you want more but that is not remotely the same. I also don’t need to be told that I need to “ open a bottle of wine and have a chat” with my husband. And no we did not have hot sex on our recent holiday and neither did i hook up for hot sex with a stranger.... because you know.... I’m on holiday with my family. I guess the intention is not to hurt me but by god they make it difficult.

Very well said. I would be thrilled with once a month. Hell actually once a year would be a start. We’ve talked and more talking isn’t going to help. We don’t fight. We actually get along quite well except the sex. Leaving is complicated and not something I can easily explain.

 

[Mtnmike]

What I find difficult is people messaging me to tell me they know how I feel. You then discover that their idea of sexless is “ only” getting laid twice a month. Yes I appreciate you want more but that is not remotely the same. I also don’t need to be told that I need to “ open a bottle of wine and have a chat” with my husband. And no we did not have hot sex on our recent holiday and neither did i hook up for hot sex with a stranger.... because you know.... I’m on holiday with my family. I guess the intention is not to hurt me but by god they make it difficult.

I hear ya SL, if they think it's so bad, I'll swap with them, been going on 11 years for me. Would very much like to find a lady that's in the same boat to chat with, about this or anything really. If that's your picture in the AV, the guy must be brain dead, absolutely gorgeous lady.

 

[Fishing57]

Just discovered the forums on here, and whoa did this one jump out at me!! Had sex maybe once the last 7-8 years, zero intimacy, and heaven forbid I get a hug. What happened to the kiss that buckles your knees and lights that fire. I miss it and could stand it once in a while, where ever I may find it.

Look forward to chatting!

 

[ccs29745]

No sex since April, that's only because it was our anniversary. 3 years before that. Wife won't let me touch her, won't kiss in shower cause she's afraid might slip. Buy flowers, complain they're just going to die. Buy edible arrangements, complains we don't eat it all. Tell her I love her, hey half hearted love you too back. Try to get her in the mood, she brings up something i did that day she didn't approve of.Im tempted to try enlargement pills to see if she notices anymore.

 

[sunshinestate100]

It appears that there are lots of us, I'm bored of trying to discuss with my wife about the lack of affection and intimacy in our marriage. Do I want to go elsewhere, no. I haven't in 20 years, but sometimes you just need to find someone to talk to who understands your situation that will make you feel wanted/appreciated. Just to tell you that you are that good person you knew you were. Personally I have been made to feel like I'm abnormal because I want to have intimacy in my marriage. Maybe it is time to revisit what I need. A big Lit hug to all those going through the same, you are not alone.

 

[philos]

Big hug back

 

[Pervygreywolf]

Sexless but still in love

I am in Arkansas. 50 and in a sexless marriage. I love my wife but I seriously need to get laid. I get a lot of flirts at work but nothing serious.

 

[ccs29745]

It appears that there are lots of us, I'm bored of trying to discuss with my wife about the lack of affection and intimacy in our marriage. Do I want to go elsewhere, no. I haven't in 20 years, but sometimes you just need to find someone to talk to who understands your situation that will make you feel wanted/appreciated. Just to tell you that you are that good person you knew you were. Personally I have been made to feel like I'm abnormal because I want to have intimacy in my marriage. Maybe it is time to revisit what I need. A big Lit hug to all those going through the same, you are not alone.

I don't talk to wife about intimacy sp much anymore. I just feel like she's waiting for me to cheat on her. Hoping im wrong

 

[sunshinestate100]

I don't talk to wife about intimacy sp much anymore. I just feel like she's waiting for me to cheat on her. Hoping im wrong

Can you ask her how she would feel if you went with another, mine would be horrified if I suggested it and probably tell me to go. The more Inthink about it. It seems a win win situation. Seriously though its tough both sexes have needs sadly over time, one persons needs dry up and therefore the other person is expected to switch off there emotions/needs overnight its not easy.

 

[Lissy_Lou]

If mine was open to the idea of me finding sex elsewhere I’d stay married (for the kids). We aren’t compatible but have a very complicated situation with one of ours which is what is keeping me from ending things properly. It’s so hard being with someone who won’t even touch you. He flinched if I try to touch him. Then you go and read about all these women complaining that their husbands want to much sex and wonder what the hell is wrong with you that makes him not want you