Story feedback/Should I write more?

[ErosLitAmateur]

I haven't been on here since January and would like feedback on my previous works, get as many of your thoughts as possible, and find out if enough of you would bd interested in med continuing those, or writing new ones. Please check out my profile to find the stories. Thank you.

https://www.literotica.com/s/little-princess-and-daddy-ch-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/mothers-shoe-mystery

 

[Jada59]

I haven't been on here since January and would like feedback on my previous works, get as many of your thoughts as possible, and find out if enough of you would bd interested in med continuing those, or writing new ones. Please check out my profile to find the stories. Thank you.

You need to put a link here to your stories. Like this:

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=4680262&page=submissions

Sorry, I can't give you feedback only because that genre doesn't appeal to me.

 

[ErosLitAmateur]

Just added links. Thanks Jada.

 

[FilthyFantasy]

Some tips.

So the first thing I would recommend is to seperate your text into smaller chunks as it makes them much easier to read. It might not look like they need to be seperated when posted in the forum like this but in their published work form they're quite a bit too long I'd say.

The second thing I would recommend is to find some synonyms to words you have recently used in the text so you don't have repeat the same words too often.

The third comment I would make is to pay close attention to the logical order of your plot disposition. I had to jumble your information around quite a bit to find it's ideal place. Usually when one sentence ends it sets up an expectation on what's to follow.

And my fourth and final comment would be regarding narration. It's important when you narrate from a certain character's point of view that you don't tell the readers more about a character or their situation than the character understand themselves. I find it difficult to explain in greater detail as I probably don't have a full grasp on it myself but take a look at what I did to your first paragraph and see if you understand what I mean afterwards.

I hope you liked my edit of your work and please don't feel discouraged to write, I'd hate it if my words had that effect on you as that's the polar opposite of what I intended them to have. You're awesome and keep writing!!

Here's the original;

Jenna couldn't wait for her last period to end. It was her senior year, and she couldn't wait to finish school and get out. High school had not been an easy time for her. She considered herself a nerd and an outcast. Jenna was very thin, with a very tiny frame. She had black, straight, shoulder length hair, and a nearly flat chest. She wore thick lens glasses, as her vision was really bad without them. She had very pale, white skin. A lot of the kids in school would make fun of her for it. She was also a huge sci-fi/fantasy fan, which didn't earn her any cool points with most. She loved comic books, and cosplay, two things she only told to her only friends, Kara and Bernadette. Jenna was currently going through a goth phase, black nails, lipstick, hair, clothes and all. She couldn't be any more different than her parents were at her age. They were homecoming King and Queen. Her mother Cassandra was head cheerleader in high school, and her father Jonathan was quarterback, and captain of the football team. Sometimes Jenna thought she may have been adopted, but really her parents had just let her grow up being her.

My edit;

Jenna could not wait for her last period to end. She was in her senior year and wanted nothing more than to finish school and just get out.

High school had not been an easy time for her to say the least. Her skin complexion was very pale, she had essentially white skin and was repeatedly being made fun of for it at school. As for her other physical characteristics she was very thin, had a tiny frame and an almost completely flat chest. She also had straight, shoulder long black hair and had to wear thick lensed glasses as her vision was really bad without them.

She was currently going through what some would call a 'goth phase' and as such wore black nails, lipstick and clothes. Unfortunately that only seemed to give the bullies at school even further material to tease her for, but if somehow they were to run out of ammunition there was also the fact she was a huge sci-fi/fantasy fan.

Jenna was a nerd and an outcast essentially, she even loved comic books and cosplay. Something she kept hidden and no one other than her two friends, Kara and Bernadette, knew about.

Appearance wise she could not have been any more different than her parents had been at her age. They had been homecoming King and Queen. Her mother, Cassandra, had been head cheerleader, and her father, Jonathan, had been quarterback and captain of their football team. Sometimes Jenna thought she may have been adopted, but perhaps her parents had just let her be herself.

 

[8letters]

Here's the original;

Jenna couldn't wait for her last period to end. It was her senior year, and she couldn't wait to finish school and get out. High school had not been an easy time for her. She considered herself a nerd and an outcast. Jenna was very thin, with a very tiny frame. She had black, straight, shoulder length hair, and a nearly flat chest. She wore thick lens glasses, as her vision was really bad without them. She had very pale, white skin. A lot of the kids in school would make fun of her for it. She was also a huge sci-fi/fantasy fan, which didn't earn her any cool points with most. She loved comic books, and cosplay, two things she only told to her only friends, Kara and Bernadette. Jenna was currently going through a goth phase, black nails, lipstick, hair, clothes and all. She couldn't be any more different than her parents were at her age. They were homecoming King and Queen. Her mother Cassandra was head cheerleader in high school, and her father Jonathan was quarterback, and captain of the football team. Sometimes Jenna thought she may have been adopted, but really her parents had just let her grow up being her.

I read the first two sentences of this paragraph, and then scrolled down past big paragraph after big paragraph until I found some dialog. That dialog made no sense. If I wasn't providing feedback, I would have clicked the back button and found another story. Your story is not laid out to be visually appealing to a reader.

My piece of advice I most frequently give is start the story with an interesting scene that has lots of dialog. This story definitely lacks that. The above paragraph has so many details in it that it's overwhelming. It's a massive data dump.

Personally, I don't like incest stories that start out with the main character wanting to have sex with their dad/mom/brother/sister/etc. I prefer stories where the main character struggles with their feelings for their family member, where they want them but know they shouldn't want them. There's no struggle in this story, no conflict.

 

[SimonDoom]

Both previous commenters have given good advice. I agree with the idea of breaking up long paragraphs, but an even better way to start is with action and dialogue that shows the reader what kind of person Jenna is rather than just telling us.

For instance:

Start with a short, punchy two sentence paragraph that expresses how she wants to get out of school.

Then have her bump into one of her tormenters. They have an encounter in which we learn through action and dialogue that she is bullied and we learn one or two things about her looks. Maybe the bully calls her an albino, or a ghost. Or they make fun of her clothes.

That's all we need to know at this point. More can be revealed as the story moves along.

But if you are going to start this way, make sure you weave elements from the beginning into the story, so it all hangs together.

I agree with 8Letters that for me, personally, I need more buildup in an incest story. It doesn't have to be much, but for me the eroticism requires some further acknowledgment and struggle with the taboo of incest, initial reluctance, and an explanation why they get past the taboo. That's what makes an incest story sizzle.

 

[Vix_Giovanni]

So the first thing I would recommend is to seperate your text into smaller chunks as it makes them much easier to read. It might not look like they need to be seperated when posted in the forum like this but in their published work form they're quite a bit too long I'd say.

The second thing I would recommend is to find some synonyms to words you have recently used in the text so you don't have repeat the same words too often.

The third comment I would make is to pay close attention to the logical order of your plot disposition. I had to jumble your information around quite a bit to find it's ideal place. Usually when one sentence ends it sets up an expectation on what's to follow.

And my fourth and final comment would be regarding narration. It's important when you narrate from a certain character's point of view that you don't tell the readers more about a character or their situation than the character understand themselves. I find it difficult to explain in greater detail as I probably don't have a full grasp on it myself but take a look at what I did to your first paragraph and see if you understand what I mean afterwards.

I hope you liked my edit of your work and please don't feel discouraged to write, I'd hate it if my words had that effect on you as that's the polar opposite of what I intended them to have. You're awesome and keep writing!!

Here's the original;

Jenna couldn't wait for her last period to end. It was her senior year, and she couldn't wait to finish school and get out. High school had not been an easy time for her. She considered herself a nerd and an outcast. Jenna was very thin, with a very tiny frame. She had black, straight, shoulder length hair, and a nearly flat chest. She wore thick lens glasses, as her vision was really bad without them. She had very pale, white skin. A lot of the kids in school would make fun of her for it. She was also a huge sci-fi/fantasy fan, which didn't earn her any cool points with most. She loved comic books, and cosplay, two things she only told to her only friends, Kara and Bernadette. Jenna was currently going through a goth phase, black nails, lipstick, hair, clothes and all. She couldn't be any more different than her parents were at her age. They were homecoming King and Queen. Her mother Cassandra was head cheerleader in high school, and her father Jonathan was quarterback, and captain of the football team. Sometimes Jenna thought she may have been adopted, but really her parents had just let her grow up being her.

My edit;

Jenna could not wait for her last period to end. She was in her senior year and wanted nothing more than to finish school and just get out.

High school had not been an easy time for her to say the least. Her skin complexion was very pale, she had essentially white skin and was repeatedly being made fun of for it at school. As for her other physical characteristics she was very thin, had a tiny frame and an almost completely flat chest. She also had straight, shoulder long black hair and had to wear thick lensed glasses as her vision was really bad without them.

She was currently going through what some would call a 'goth phase' and as such wore black nails, lipstick and clothes. Unfortunately that only seemed to give the bullies at school even further material to tease her for, but if somehow they were to run out of ammunition there was also the fact she was a huge sci-fi/fantasy fan.

Jenna was a nerd and an outcast essentially, she even loved comic books and cosplay. Something she kept hidden and no one other than her two friends, Kara and Bernadette, knew about.

Appearance wise she could not have been any more different than her parents had been at her age. They had been homecoming King and Queen. Her mother, Cassandra, had been head cheerleader, and her father, Jonathan, had been quarterback and captain of their football team. Sometimes Jenna thought she may have been adopted, but perhaps her parents had just let her be herself.

THIS.

All great advice. Especially point 4.
Hope FF’s helped you. Best of luck!