Desultory and Impulsive

I am having uncontrollable sadistic thoughts about you

Ones that involve a pneumatic stapler
And 1/4 staples
And your nipples.

Conventional thinking has me piercing your nipples
Perhaps stapling them down to a board.

My thinking has me pointing the staple gun right up against your breast. Nipple dead center.

My mind can see the flesh of your breast swell up and around the head of the gun aimed directly at you

I can see the look in your eye
The doubt that I would
...the fear that I might.

I can feel the trigger against my finger
And hear the sound the gun makes

...as it goes off.
 
When I close my eyes
I can still...
 

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I am having uncontrollable sadistic thoughts about you

Ones that involve a pneumatic stapler
And 1/4 staples
And your nipples.

Conventional thinking has me piercing your nipples
Perhaps stapling them down to a board.

My thinking has me pointing the staple gun right up against your breast. Nipple dead center.

My mind can see the flesh of your breast swell up and around the head of the gun aimed directly at you

I can see the look in your eye
The doubt that I would
...the fear that I might.

I can feel the trigger against my finger
And hear the sound the gun makes

...as it goes off.


You have me thinking
About the aftermath
And how it would feel
To pull out
Each staple.

How will it be done?
Slowly?
Quickly?
Steady hand?
A tool involved?
Would you leave them there
For removal by the recipient?
Or would you make taking them out as a
Part of the whole experience?

Inquiring minds and all that.
 
You have me thinking
About the aftermath
And how it would feel
To pull out
Each staple.

How will it be done?
Slowly?
Quickly?
Steady hand?
A tool involved?
Would you leave them there
For removal by the recipient?
Or would you make taking them out as a
Part of the whole experience?

Inquiring minds and all that.

I would leave them in and wait for the sensation of the initial shock to pass.

I would cup her breasts
And squeeze just a bit
Careful enough to not have the staples work themselves out

I would stroke the length of the staple
With my finger
Lightly petting her nipple
And I would study it's reaction

I would then bring my face
Close to her breast
And feel how her stapled flesh
Felt against my lips

I would then take her into my mouth
And I would feel with my tongue
Where it was
And I would suck

And work it out
Slowly
With my tongue
 
I've really come to dislike the band Volbeat.

At first I was like "okay, they kinda have The Misfits type sound thing going... sure, okay."

But now I'm like "Please stop." whenever a song of theirs is playing on the radio which is more oft-than-not this song

And I know I know those that like it will be all... but I like that song!

Cool. I'm not shitting on you or your likes or really the song. I get it... the touching death and rebirth.... it's a perennially personal important theme.

I'm just saying

What I'm just saying really isn't clear to me now anyway so.... yeah. Bed time.
 
2 eggs
A cup of coffee
A couple ibuprofen
Some fish oil
And a need for bifocals.
 
6 5-gal. buckets of wet feed mix
3 5-gal buckets of dry feed
4 5-gal buckets of water
Surplus zucchini and patty pan
Livestock contented
 
Contemplating another cup of coffee
And Tylenol as my kidneys could use a break
But my liver is still good
...I think.

Water would of course be better

It's my weekend to work
So I start early today
To supposedly end early
So that I can start earlier tomorrow

I confess that sometimes I think about getting a hotel room
To spare me of my 40 mile commute
But I don't do well alone in hotel rooms
Where my thoughts wander back and forth

Between

Highly charged
Clandestinely adulterous rendezvous

And

The suicidal.
 
Leftover chicken that was in the fridge
And teriyaki rice-a-roni... the generic brand

...because me and the guys at work were talking about stir-fry last night and it's been on my mind since and it's the quickest thing I got.
 
What I detest most about myself
Is how
My personality
Becomes that
Of the very kind
That I fear.
 
Actually...

I detest a lot of shit about myself.

That's just currently at the top of my list at the moment.
 
I asked her what she thought.

She looked at me and smiled
Saying "not a whole lot. I'm going to hop in the shower now."

I've been watching her all day
Her smile
The curves of her breasts and ass

I've been fighting off thoughts
Straining to maintain composure.

As a distraction
I began thinking about a conversation I had earlier in the day
One that involved the taking and use of adderall and Ambien

I chuckled privately to myself
At the realization telling her how I took Ambien recreationally

Granted... I did take it for sleep purposes, but I would purposefully fight the effects of it for my own recreational reasons.

I found it funny how I took that for "recreation" and adderall for medicinal reasons

Whereas college kids and adults and mom's tap into adderall for an edge they felt they needed.

If I allow myself to get angry thinking about it
I could easily do so

I'm not on any medication anymore
No adderall, Ambien, antidepressants. Nothing but over the counter pain meds. Even then... somewhat sparingly.

I've typed this out all before.

Like I told her, I want to go down the rabbit hole of dispare
Of sharing with you what it's like to have your thoughts kept in a glass case that you can see through and explain, but cannot grab hold and outright give.


Back in grade school
I was given the impression of how medication for ADD/ADHD dulled the creative edge of children

Looking back now I see what a joke that was.

Yeah. Perhaps for some
But not for me.



She's done with her shower now
And now I'm going to touch her
And hold her
And forget my limitations
And turn the lights off
On what I could once hold
So well
 
My wrist cracks
There is fog in the night
But only blanketing the ground

Above it
Darkness and stars
 
Usual morning routine + load of laundry

Mowed lawn until the deck belt blew
2hrs out of my day

Finished
Nap

Mundane things

Got feed

Parted out chicken for easier meal prep

Raisin bran
 
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