Consent: an anonymous, multiple choice poll

[dolf]

"The waitress smiled at me when she gave me my food. Should I offer her some dick?"

Exactly! Caring for 80yo men taught me that there's no limit to some men's confusion over normal interaction. Like, I'm changing your catheter bag here... and you think it means I want you?!

Also, one of the best fucks I ever had was with a virgin. He was really concentrated on my responses, I suppose because he wasn't sure what he was doing, and it made for something mind blowing. When guys assume they've figured out what women like, the sex gets dull as shit.

 

[Que]

Dude it's me. Candi. That you're talking to. I'm the one you quoted.

And as sweet as this entire assumption was I will politely remind you that I don't have a pussy of my very own. Like on my body.

So I assure you it's not a generalizing from myself type situation.

I also wasn't saying that every person isn't different. Every person is different. But pussy's not rocket science.

And also blowjobs aren't easy. Like, actually given the choice between eating out and sucking dick (like actually sucking dick, not getting face-fucked) I'd actually rather eat out BECAUSE it's easier. I'm better at it. And I can probably get notarized affidavits to that effect. That shit doesn't leave you with a wicked bruise on the back of your throat if you fuck it up. I smoke, do you know how goddamn annoying that is? To have that bruise or whatever back there? Fucking up every breath you take? It's hella annoying.

And every dick is also different. It's not like pussies are the only ones with variation. Dicks are individualized. It's not a 'you've sucked one you sucked um all" type situation any more than it is with pussy.

Interestingly enough though, I have found that overall, if anything is gonna be the same damn thing, they're ALL the same damn thing. Hit the clit from the front and the g-spot from the back, hit the head of the dick from the front and the prostate from the back. Listen to the person talk because they'll let you know how to do it for them as an individual. Keep some wet-wipes nearby.

It's not a fucking mystery.

Oops with all the long quotes I list who said what...I was thinking that was dolfs response.
Now A lot of that doesn't make sense, but too hard to fix it now .

You right on the clit 98% of the time. My ex you'd wear her and your tongue out. Her "spot" was halfway down the right side of her labia minors. No visible or tactile thing there, but her clit nerves were over there. The only reason I even found it was because a friend of mine actually from lit that became a friend of ours on our blog had started with women and moved two guys and her advice on women was little bitty nipples up and down the labia minora and damned if I didn't accidentally find that spot I wouldn't have found it in another 20 years.

But that's what I mean nerves are where they are and different people are wired differently with different degrees of sensitivity

 

[CandiCame]

Exactly! Caring for 80yo men taught me that there's no limit to some men's confusion over normal interaction. Like, I'm changing your catheter bag here... and you think it means I want you?!

Also, one of the best fucks I ever had was with a virgin. He was really concentrated on my responses, I suppose because he wasn't sure what he was doing, and it made for something mind blowing. When guys assume they've figured out what women like, the sex gets dull as shit.

Some of the best sex I've ever had was with a guy who wasn't a virgin, but he'd never been with somebody with my plumbing before. They do seem to be easier to train.

 

[CandiCame]

Oops with all the long quotes I list who said what...I was thinking that was dolfs response.
Now A lot of that doesn't make sense, but too hard to fix it now .

You right on the clit 98% of the time. My ex you'd wear her and your tongue out. Her "spot" was halfway down the right side of her labia minors. No visible or tactile thing there, but her clit nerves were over there. The only reason I even found it was because a friend of mine actually from lit that became a friend of ours on our blog had started with women and moved two guys and her advice on women was little bitty nipples up and down the labia minora and damned if I didn't accidentally find that spot I wouldn't have found it in another 20 years.

But that's what I mean nerves are where they are and different people are wired differently with different degrees of sensitivity

Your... your clit nerves aren't in the labia. Like I'm sure she had really good sensation and enjoyed it but that's not how the nervous system works. Clit nerves are in the clit. They don't migrate.

And also, I want to reiterate- dicks are also different for everybody who has one. This isn't a 'men vs women' thing. Everybody is different but nobody is a fucking mystery.

It makes more sense to me that you would make that comparison and get it wrong now, knowing that you've never sucked a dick, but they really are about the same amount of complicated. Which is to say: not that much, you'll probably figure it out if you fuck around with it enough.

If we're making broad sweeping generalizations based on personal experience that probably wouldn't hold up under research, I will say that based on my experience I have noticed that guys might be "easier" to work with because they're just happy to be there. Like they tend to just be more thankful that you let them put your dick in you that they'll give you a little more leeway. That doesn't make the actual task easier, it just makes you feel better about yourself.

 

[Not Normal]

Ok, the results of the poll are pretty interesting.

The first two options are grey, because it's possible that they're an agreed part of an established relationship. But, excluding specifically consented to exceptions, they're all varying degrees of wrongness.

Yeah, I've had both, with partners at the time. In College my girlfriend had parties and liked to drink. We had sex when she had been drinking, but we were committed, and had plenty of sex when she was stone cold sober as well.

When I was married, there were times when I came to bed after her and Initiated sex. I got shot down many times, and that was fine. Other times she obliged.

I'm wondering if anyone is brave enough to talk about the options further down the list...

Ok, I almost talked about this when I first posted.

"Had sex when you knew they weren't really into it" My ex-wife had (has) a boatload of hard to define triggers. So there were many time when we were in the thick of it and something would change. Generally speaking, sex would end. Sometime there were discussions, sometimes there was silence. Some times were still, and others were active. There were also times when I was not made aware that she was unhappy until after the fact. Let me tell you, that is a complete mindfuck. To have a partner tell you, after the event (sometimes days after), that they wished they had stopped, or not said yes in the first place makes you feel like a complete clueless fuck. I was a very hard situation to be part of. It was hard to have sex, and hard NOT to have sex. There were other times when she was into it and would be quite boisterous. Sometime she's say "I must have been pretty into it last night, because I feel hoarse today." She wouldn't always have a memory or it. I believe this scared her, and would sometimes lead to her not wanting to have sex (along with the many other issues eluded to above). I don't want to get to much into her history, but it played a very large part of our relationship, sexually and otherwise.

 

[Que]

I don't wanna quote the whole big thing about why you're not gay, I just wanted to say that if you're not into it, that's cool, that's just not what I thought. Because you did kinda take my ass to town that one time as if you were king of the gays. Like you did metaphorically dickslap the cigarette out of my mouth, if you'll remember.

You made me feel bad in the real world about something I did on the internet. That's pretty hard to do.

Ah. I was assuming that you were assuming based on gender issues but you weren't. I should have known better, because you get that stuff.

The main reason that we have talked past each other a bit on these subjects and that you would might have gotten that impression is because I was deliberately less than specific. There are a lot of things that get used as fodder around here and basically I don't give a fuk because it says a lot more about them than it does about me

This happens to be a little compartmentalized portion of me that I am a little more circumspect about because it was hard-won self-realization and it is more a not casting pearls before swine sort of thing. I'd hate to feel obliged to disembowel a swine.

 

[CandiCame]

Ok, I almost talked about this when I first posted.

"Had sex when you knew they weren't really into it" My ex-wife had (has) a boatload of hard to define triggers. So there were many time when we were in the thick of it and something would change. Generally speaking, sex would end. Sometime there were discussions, sometimes there was silence. Some times were still, and others were active. There were also times when I was not made aware that she was unhappy until after the fact. Let me tell you, that is a complete mindfuck. To have a partner tell you, after the event (sometimes days after), that they wished they had stopped, or not said yes in the first place makes you feel like a complete clueless fuck. I was a very hard situation to be part of. It was hard to have sex, and hard NOT to have sex. There were other times when she was into it and would be quite boisterous. Sometime she's say "I must have been pretty into it last night, because I feel hoarse today." She wouldn't always have a memory or it. I believe this scared her, and would sometimes lead to her not wanting to have sex (along with the many other issues eluded to above). I don't want to get to much into her history, but it played a very large part of our relationship, sexually and otherwise.

Hey I don't have a lot to say about this, because I've kinda sorta been in this situation but I was more on your ex's side of it. I just want to tell you that I read it and your emotions are valid.

Because of my similar situation I worried that I fucked my partner up. But mine's all like... mixed up with a bunch of other shit in your head and you feel really weird for bringing it up, and so with me it was like... my mindset at the time I told him was more of a, "he deserves to know how batshit crazy I am so he can make the decision about whether or not he wants to stay with me" and less like, "I want to make him aware of the fact that this may be considered abusive" but he, like you, totally read it as "I feel like I've been abusive" and it becomes a whole big clusterfuck.

So I just wanted to say that I get that happens sometimes and I hate you had to go through it.

 

[CandiCame]

Ah. I was assuming that you were assuming based on gender issues but you weren't. I should have known better, because you get that stuff.

The main reason that we have talked past each other a bit on these subjects and that you would might have gotten that impression is because I was deliberately less than specific. There are a lot of things that get used as fodder around here and basically I don't give a fuk because it says a lot more about them than it does about me

This happens to be a little compartmentalized portion of me that I am a little more circumspect about because it was hard-won self-realization and it is more a not casting pearls before swine sort of thing. I'd hate to feel obliged to disembowel a swine.

We didn't talk past each other, you went all caps like, "I AM QUEER YOU LITTLE SHIT" because I called you a cishet.

And I was like, "oh. Well then I am the one who is the one who is the dumbass."

You know what I felt like? I felt like this: Oh Maybe I'm not persecuted maybe I'm just an asshole.

Edit: I'm too sleepy and this is so goddamn funny because it is LEGITIMATELY how I felt.

 

[Que]

Your... your clit nerves aren't in the labia. Like I'm sure she had really good sensation and enjoyed it but that's not how the nervous system works. Clit nerves are in the clit. They don't migrate.

And also, I want to reiterate- dicks are also different for everybody who has one. This isn't a 'men vs women' thing. Everybody is different but nobody is a fucking mystery.

It makes more sense to me that you would make that comparison and get it wrong now, knowing that you've never sucked a dick, but they really are about the same amount of complicated. Which is to say: not that much, you'll probably figure it out if you fuck around with it enough.

If we're making broad sweeping generalizations based on personal experience that probably wouldn't hold up under research, I will say that based on my experience I have noticed that guys might be "easier" to work with because they're just happy to be there. Like they tend to just be more thankful that you let them put your dick in you that they'll give you a little more leeway. That doesn't make the actual task easier, it just makes you feel better about yourself.

Yes, I understand that Doc Candi. What I mean is that one small spot was as if that entire bundle of zillions of nerves that should have been wired into her clit were for some reason or another left by God's electrician where it was left. I don't explain it I just know where to tongue

The clitoris is also a tip of the clitoris thing. Just like that thing under your tongue that determines how freaky your tongue is, its mooring varies and where, exactly the most sensitive spot is may be quite exposed, or not. I would imagine same for dicks. Up a little, down a little, but usually, I'm guessing about where mine is. Unless it isnt.

Also women are not always confident about the appearance (which is silly) and they don't always feel super relaxed about someone being down there. I get that, being rimmed is a omg, what are you doing, should you a d is everything ok feeling, especially if you were not expecting it.

So...hence complicated, and you are saying it isnt, but it is.

None of the above is insurmountable, none of the above is less tha delightful to explore a d discover, but it is still pressure I don't need at my age in one off, one night stand situations, which is why I flirt more than I close.

 

[Que]

We didn't talk past each other, you went all caps like, "I AM QUEER YOU LITTLE SHIT" because I called you a cishet.

And I was like, "oh. Well them I am the one who is the one who is the dumbass."

You know what I felt like? I felt like this: Oh Maybe I'm not persecuted maybe I'm just an asshole.

Edit: I'm too sleepy and this is so goddamn funny because it is LEGITIMATELY how I felt.

No you said cishet and I said I am not. You assumed the het, when my objection was the cis.

 

[Biggs_Darklighter]

Sometimes a thread just makes ya feel good about yourself for all the wrong reasons.

 

[CandiCame]

No you said cishet and I said I am not. You assumed the het, when my objection was the cis.

Yeah, I was the asshole. Straight up.

I got nothing.

I felt real bad.

It's weird being the one who is the one who is the asshole.

Edit: also, seriously, I am sorry. Like, I am genuinely sorry I assumed shit about you and was also a dick about it.

I was real full on about it too, like if anyone reads that, it'll make me look like an asshole. Because I was an asshole. And it is painting that picture accurately.

 

[Que]

Hey I don't have a lot to say about this, because I've kinda sorta been in this situation but I was more on your ex's side of it. I just want to tell you that I read it and your emotions are valid.

Because of my similar situation I worried that I fucked my partner up. But mine's all like... mixed up with a bunch of other shit in your head and you feel really weird for bringing it up, and so with me it was like... my mindset at the time I told him was more of a, "he deserves to know how batshit crazy I am so he can make the decision about whether or not he wants to stay with me" and less like, "I want to make him aware of the fact that this may be considered abusive" but he, like you, totally read it as "I feel like I've been abusive" and it becomes a whole big clusterfuck.

So I just wanted to say that I get that happens sometimes and I hate you had to go through it.

Well said.

Mental health issues are rough. There is no painless way through a minefield.

I've got a couple of awkward incidents that I don't want to share and one I did the other day, but deleted. I just wanted to say a supportive word about all of this, generically.

 

[Not Normal]

Hey I don't have a lot to say about this, because I've kinda sorta been in this situation but I was more on your ex's side of it. I just want to tell you that I read it and your emotions are valid.

Because of my similar situation I worried that I fucked my partner up. But mine's all like... mixed up with a bunch of other shit in your head and you feel really weird for bringing it up, and so with me it was like... my mindset at the time I told him was more of a, "he deserves to know how batshit crazy I am so he can make the decision about whether or not he wants to stay with me" and less like, "I want to make him aware of the fact that this may be considered abusive" but he, like you, totally read it as "I feel like I've been abusive" and it becomes a whole big clusterfuck.

So I just wanted to say that I get that happens sometimes and I hate you had to go through it.

Thanks, man. It was really hard for us both. Even finally leaving made me feel like a schmuck, though staying would have killed me eventually.

 

[InsightRiot]

Your... your clit nerves aren't in the labia. Like I'm sure she had really good sensation and enjoyed it but that's not how the nervous system works. Clit nerves are in the clit. They don't migrate.

https://i.imgur.com/u0stIfv.jpg

I'm not sure I agree with you. The clit looks like a wish bone D). The diagram makes a lot of sense (and what Que said) considering I find direct stimulation of the clit head to be uncomfortable. Most men see that and go for it. I prefer all around the clit head, what is called the labia.

I can handle the womanizer's air stimulation on the head of my clit, so contact stimulation must be the problem.

 

[Que]

Yeah, I was the asshole. Straight up.

I got nothing.

I felt real bad.

It's weird being the one who is the one who is the asshole.

Edit: also, seriously, I am sorry. Like, I am genuinely sorry I assumed shit about you and was also a dick about it.

No it was fine. It just caught me in an awkward moment because Rob in his infinite pouring through 60000 individual pause for some little aha moment had recently at that time surfaced a post. One which I wasn't in the least bit ashamed about having written nor was I the least bit ashamed about him finding it it's just one of those things where he would have ran with it, and I didn't want to feel obligated to respond to his idiocy further at the time.

So I tried to hint, but I should have just PMd. I didn't really know you that well at the time though and although I have never had any negative experiences discussing my history in my life in the meat world for some reason on the general board it's overpopulated with people who are surprisingly ignorant, bigoted, and willing to cast you under the bus if you don't support all their friends and castigate all their enemies.

I don't remember what exactly you said but I was not in any way at the time particularly offended by anything you said. I was just kind of waving my arms and saying ixnay on these CIS-say.

Don't give it another thought.

 

[CandiCame]

Disregard. I'm really sleepy and I misread the post I was responding to.

Just a great night for me to be an asshole.

Edit: I misread it in such a way that I thought she thought the clit 'wings' were in the labia. If anyone was wondering.

 

[Que]

https://i.imgur.com/u0stIfv.jpg

I'm not sure I agree with you. The clit looks like a wish bone D). The diagram makes a lot of sense considering I find direct stimulation of the clit head to be uncomfortable. Most men see that and go for it. I prefer all around the clit head, what is called the labia.

I can handle the womanizer's air stimulation on the head of my clit, so contact stimulation must be the problem.

Thst is hilarious "corpus CAVERN-o-sum. Body cave o-some.

Who says that gynecologist have no sense of humor.

I've seen those for the diagrams before of course and so I haven't in my head what it looks like but it occurs to me to the part mentioned above that I can't type again without laughing is probably what was causing the stimulation to I don't know maybe the backside of the actual a little clitoris button for her. But only on the right side there was no such stimulating effect on the left side.

I remember probably I don't know maybe the fourth or fifth girl I was with this little bitty Sonoran spinner chick was very sexual, very much a lights on sort of girl. I had already realized that Everyone likes a little different touch so I had developed a an idea that if they could show me with your fingertips what they like with a tongue that that would work. For some reason though it doesn't seem to work because what they do with their fingertips is different than what they like with their tongue. Especially this one so then frustration I'm like well he'll let me see if I can just duplicate what she's doing with her fingertips with my fingertips. And I'm damn good with my fingers. I was the kid that was always reaching behind the bellhousing to get that last nut off the transmission because I could I can see with my fingers I really tactical but despite her showing me me trying it her showing me me trying it for some reason what looks like what she's doing is not what she's doing and it's pretty interesting how a little subtly can make all the difference.

My dick is not that way. I might need to guide you to the exact spot on the frenulum that is the most sensitive but really from there on it's just a matter of whether I believe that you really want it. Because then it becomes mental aspect for me but the actual tactical part is fine with a fairly wide variety of technique.

 

[Que]

Sometimes a thread just makes ya feel good about yourself for all the wrong reasons.

Glad to help.

 

[CandiCame]

No it was fine. It just caught me in an awkward moment because Rob in his infinite pouring through 60000 individual pause for some little aha moment had recently at that time surfaced a post. One which I wasn't in the least bit ashamed about having written nor was I the least bit ashamed about him finding it it's just one of those things where he would have ran with it, and I didn't want to feel obligated to respond to his idiocy further at the time.

So I tried to hint, but I should have just PMd. I didn't really know you that well at the time though and although I have never had any negative experiences discussing my history in my life in the meat world for some reason on the general board it's overpopulated with people who are surprisingly ignorant, bigoted, and willing to cast you under the bus if you don't support all their friends and castigate all their enemies.

I don't remember what exactly you said but I was not in any way at the time particularly offended by anything you said. I was just kind of waving my arms and saying ixnay on these CIS-say.

Don't give it another thought.

I remember what I said and I was FULL ON about it. It was something to the effect of, "You don't know what you're talking about. You don't understand me, you cishet dudebro" type of thing. Like real legit like that video.

I was straight up an asshole and I shouldn't have been. Doesn't matter the extenuating circumstances. You had every right to be pissed at me, because no matter what else was going on, I was an ass about it.

And I was also going full on youtube neckbeard atheist but I stand by that.

It's not your fault that I feel bad for being an asshole. It's my fault for being an asshole.

 

[Biggs_Darklighter]

Glad to help.

Reading your posts makes me feel bad for the human race.

 

[Que]

Reading your posts makes me feel bad for the human race.

Cool.

Maybe the next species to evolve will be more interesting.

 

[oralaccents]

I can do this too. I try not to though.



Consent needs to be verbal, because seriously most guys can't really read the reactions of a woman's body, if their life depending on it. People need to verbally own what they are doing.
I went to Antioch. I verbally ask all the time "is this okay?" "Can I tie you up?" "Can I touch you here?" "how are you doing?" "I want you to do X"
I also say please and thank you.



I agree here.

There is a trend towards a “clinical literal” in the verbal ask for everything paradigm that makes me uneasy.

Intimacy is a dance and decent dancers not only know what consent sounds like in words, they can taste it, see it, smell it on their lover.

Consent can be given, but it can also be ever so artfully taken in such a way as it feels like a gift. Maybe that is why bdsm upsets the linear people.

 

[CandiCame]

There is a trend towards a “clinical literal” in the verbal ask for everything paradigm that makes me uneasy.

Intimacy is a dance and decent dancers not only know what consent sounds like in words, they can taste it, see it, smell it on their lover.

Consent can be given, but it can also be ever so artfully taken in such a way as it feels like a gift. Maybe that is why bdsm upsets the linear people.

I don't really like music without words either. I listen for the lyrics. That's why my music tastes are so varied.

BDSM doesn't upset linear people. BDSM won't put up with your brand of bullshit. The community kicks you out if you don't see consent as paramount, verbal, and sometimes downright contractual. We take it very, very seriously, and there are whole huge conversations about it before every scene.

Consent can't be taken. That's not a thing. Consent can only be given or withdrawn. It can't be taken from someone. Because that's literally what the word means.

Hardline consent is the DIFFERENCE between bdsm and abuse.

 

[CandiCame]

Cool.

Maybe the next species to evolve will be more interesting.

I got my eye on the crows.

https://img.washingtonpost.com/news/animalia/wp-content/uploads/sites/56/2016/05/crowknife.jpg

https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2017/06/29/13/41DEDFE900000578-4650416-A_Canadian_city_s_postal_services_were_suspended_over_fears_of_a-a-1_1498739996642.jpg