My first solo story

[RelentlessOnanism]

So, this is a big moment for me...after years as merely a reader, I have just published my first story (actually, that's technically not true; I co-wrote another story that was published under another author's name. This is me flying solo for the first time).

Anyone who knows me from this forum, will know that I am an incest/taboo aficionado, so it won't be a surprise to discover that my first story is all about filthy, family love. It's called 'The Moment' and it's about a father who discovers his teenage daughter has started working in the porn business.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-moment-21

If anyone wants to give me some feedback, that would be very much appreciated...

 

[NoJo]

I don't have a Father/Daughter incest thing, so I can't comment on the hawtness of your story. Rule of thumb: If the writer can jerk off to it, that'll suffice


Structurally there are problems:

You switch tenses in different paragraphs.

You need to jump right in there and grab the reader's attention immediately! Replace the first rambling confessional paragraph with something like:

"It all started when I found my daughter's porn video on XXXHamster."

After that, you can explain how you came to find it, about Bill Haslam's son (if you want).


You can cut down on the "He Said/She said"s a little. There are quite a few places in the story where they're unnecessary.

I also think that the narrator doesn't need to voice his inner thoughts that much.

All in all, it needs more showing, less telling, and remove paragraphs that slow down and even distract from the main narrative.

 

[RelentlessOnanism]

I don't have a Father/Daughter incest thing, so I can't comment on the hawtness of your story. Rule of thumb: If the writer can jerk off to it, that'll suffice


Structurally there are problems:

You switch tenses in different paragraphs.

You need to jump right in there and grab the reader's attention immediately! Replace the first rambling confessional paragraph with something like:

"It all started when I found my daughter's porn video on XXXHamster."

After that, you can explain how you came to find it, about Bill Haslam's son (if you want).


You can cut down on the "He Said/She said"s a little. There are quite a few places in the story where they're unnecessary.

I also think that the narrator doesn't need to voice his inner thoughts that much.

All in all, it needs more showing, less telling, and remove paragraphs that slow down and even distract from the main narrative.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[8letters]

My main advice is to just tell the story. At least on the first page, you keep jumping around from a time perspective, providing perspective on current events from the future. I hated it. It slowed things down while giving away so much. I think it would have much better if you had just described what happened from the narrator's perspective at that time. Show, don't tell.

Your story starts slow. Really, really slow. The opening section about how the narrator is about to become a terrible person is okay. It sets the table, but it isn't really needed. The story is in the I/T category. The narrator is a middle-aged dad with a nubile daughter. Everyone right away knows he's going to fuck her and that's going to be a huge threat to his middle-class life. But it does set the mood.

Generally, I like stories to start fast with an interesting scene that has a lot of dialogue. Your intro isn't that, but I think your story would be fine if you did follow that by quickly getting into an interesting scene. And you don't. You give us a big description of Bill Haslam. That was a slog to get through. The whole time I read it, I kept thinking, "Is this necessary?". Then you start describing Sarah. Lots of time spent on her when I think you should be getting us into the story. I personally didn't like that you told us that the narrator would be fucking her on his desk in three days. Why ruin the surprise of that happening?

Side note: A purchasing agent with a secretary who guards his door? Who gets coffee? Man, that sounds like something out of the 60's. My personal experience is that only high-level people like Directors and VP's have admins, and they're up to their eyeballs in work.

Another side note: You use single quotes instead of double quotes for dialog. To me, the standard is double quotes for dialog and single quotes is used for quotes within dialog. A little off putting, but not a big deal.

Finally, we have our conversation with Bill. And again, it's slow. It's filled with lots of unnecessary details. I don't care about the company picnic or Bill's health problems or the size of his TV. What I want is for Bill to get to the point, and I feel that Bill would want to get to the point.

Based on the beginning of the next section, I assumed that scene ended and we were now at Bill's house a few hours later. But no, we're back talking with Bill.

Now, we get to a big problem to me. Bill knows the name of the movie and the name Lucy was performing under. No way does he know that information from catching his son watching a porno. And I think the narrator should catch that.

Let's look at two paragraphs:

That's what I told myself. I tried to get back to work and forget all about it. But that was considerably easier said than done. I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't focus. And my goddamn dick wouldn't go down either. Eventually, I couldn't take it any more and I got up and left. I barely acknowledged Sarah as I walked out of the office. Our interaction with each other would be very different come the following Monday, when she would be bent over my desk and my dick would be sliding in and out of her hot, wet, tight gash; but for now I just mumbled something about a meeting and quickly left the building.

Within the hour, I was back home. Traffic was fairly light, what with it being early afternoon and me playing hooky from work. 'Home' was a large, detached, three storey dwelling in a small-ish gated community. As it turns out, making dull panties for dull women was actually kind of lucrative, so I could afford a reasonably nice place to live. We even had a pool. The mortgage was a bitch, and my credit card bills sometimes made me wince, but hey, this was the American dream. The all-American family living just within its means, month to month. Of course, a dark shadow was soon to be cast over this particular all-American family. The stars were coming into alignment. The wheels were turning.

You could replace all of what I italicized with "so I went home early" and nothing would be lost. We didn't need to hear again he'd be fucking Sarah Monday. We didn't need to hear again that things were about to drastically change to his family. Just tell us the story.

I stopped there. I was curious as to what eventually happens, but not curious enough to slog through the story so I zipped to the end. And I'm glad I did as the ending didn't seem to justify slogging through all the pages in between.

 

[RelentlessOnanism]

My main advice is to just tell the story. At least on the first page, you keep jumping around from a time perspective, providing perspective on current events from the future. I hated it. It slowed things down while giving away so much. I think it would have much better if you had just described what happened from the narrator's perspective at that time. Show, don't tell.

Your story starts slow. Really, really slow. The opening section about how the narrator is about to become a terrible person is okay. It sets the table, but it isn't really needed. The story is in the I/T category. The narrator is a middle-aged dad with a nubile daughter. Everyone right away knows he's going to fuck her and that's going to be a huge threat to his middle-class life. But it does set the mood.

Generally, I like stories to start fast with an interesting scene that has a lot of dialogue. Your intro isn't that, but I think your story would be fine if you did follow that by quickly getting into an interesting scene. And you don't. You give us a big description of Bill Haslam. That was a slog to get through. The whole time I read it, I kept thinking, "Is this necessary?". Then you start describing Sarah. Lots of time spent on her when I think you should be getting us into the story. I personally didn't like that you told us that the narrator would be fucking her on his desk in three days. Why ruin the surprise of that happening?

Side note: A purchasing agent with a secretary who guards his door? Who gets coffee? Man, that sounds like something out of the 60's. My personal experience is that only high-level people like Directors and VP's have admins, and they're up to their eyeballs in work.

Another side note: You use single quotes instead of double quotes for dialog. To me, the standard is double quotes for dialog and single quotes is used for quotes within dialog. A little off putting, but not a big deal.

Finally, we have our conversation with Bill. And again, it's slow. It's filled with lots of unnecessary details. I don't care about the company picnic or Bill's health problems or the size of his TV. What I want is for Bill to get to the point, and I feel that Bill would want to get to the point.

Based on the beginning of the next section, I assumed that scene ended and we were now at Bill's house a few hours later. But no, we're back talking with Bill.

Now, we get to a big problem to me. Bill knows the name of the movie and the name Lucy was performing under. No way does he know that information from catching his son watching a porno. And I think the narrator should catch that.

Let's look at two paragraphs:

You could replace all of what I italicized with "so I went home early" and nothing would be lost. We didn't need to hear again he'd be fucking Sarah Monday. We didn't need to hear again that things were about to drastically change to his family. Just tell us the story.

I stopped there. I was curious as to what eventually happens, but not curious enough to slog through the story so I zipped to the end. And I'm glad I did as the ending didn't seem to justify slogging through all the pages in between.

Thanks for the feedback.