How to start

[Teecee15]

So I've been browsing these forums for a while and as I explore Ive been made increasingly aware of my sub side...so my question, or question, is how to start? For you experts, what defines the difference between king, fetish and BDSM?

I'm a man who gets turned on by being dominated, spanked, tied up etc by the way....

 

[Jada59]

So I've been browsing these forums for a while and as I explore Ive been made increasingly aware of my sub side...so my question, or question, is how to start? For you experts, what defines the difference between king, fetish and BDSM?

I'm a man who gets turned on by being dominated, spanked, tied up etc by the way....

Are you looking for someone online or IRL?

If online, you could ask here but from what I've heard from men, it's hard to find women into that here.

If IRL...do you already have a partner? If so, you could jokingly say that you've been bad and need a spanking. See where that goes.

If you are looking for a partner, that could be more difficult. I have never tried dating sites nor would I. I just sort of lucked into it IRL. I had a lot of scarves. I used them as decorations. He asked me if I had more. I showed them where they were and he tied me up. He tied me very loosely so I could easily get out if I wanted to.

If you use a dating site, this sort of stuff could be talked about prior to meeting or perhaps put in your profile.

If you just meet someone while out and about, you have no idea what her likes/dislikes in bed are. So start slowly so you don't freak her out. I would have had no clue that I was interested in such things until it happened to me! You also don't want her to think you might want to do these things to her.

You could try buying a few things and leaving therm near the bed.

As for the labels, that's pretty much up to you. I do like some things in the realm of BDSM but not others. I am also fine with vanilla sex.

Good luck in your quest!

 

[cookiecat]

I started this thread a while ago asking people how they got started - maybe you'll find some useful info:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1471760


As to labels - I see kink as an activity two people enjoy, like spanking or watersports.

A fetish, in my mind, is when one person objectifies the kink as well as the other person. Sooo - if my fetish is being peed on - I probably don't care as much about the other person's pleasure, I might not be as concerned about who is peeing on me. I just want to be peed on. I think when someone has a fetish, it can border on obsession. Like I can't get pleasure without that thing.

As to bdsm, I see that as the umbrella where kinks and fetishes fall under.

 

[AnnieLit]

So I've been browsing these forums for a while and as I explore Ive been made increasingly aware of my sub side...so my question, or question, is how to start? For you experts, what defines the difference between king, fetish and BDSM?

I'm a man who gets turned on by being dominated, spanked, tied up etc by the way....

To me,
"kink" is anything, that is not strictly vanilla.
"fetish" is a sexual interest in some object or body part (shoes, underwear, feet, etc.)
"BDSM" is a rather complex relationship between two people , based first of all on trust and consent. Might include some fetishes, or might not. What practices are included, changes a lot from one pair of people to another.

 

[Teecee15]

Thanks for all the advice all..
Not that I get all my sexual teachings from lit (imagine that!) But my original message was pribably influenced by the way BDSM was listed as a different category on here...kind of like I walked out of one lecture on Fetish and into a separate one on BDSM!

 

[Teecee15]

I started this thread a while ago asking people how they got started - maybe you'll find some useful info:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1471760


As to labels - I see kink as an activity two people enjoy, like spanking or watersports.

A fetish, in my mind, is when one person objectifies the kink as well as the other person. Sooo - if my fetish is being peed on - I probably don't care as much about the other person's pleasure, I might not be as concerned about who is peeing on me. I just want to be peed on. I think when someone has a fetish, it can border on obsession. Like I can't get pleasure without that thing.

As to bdsm, I see that as the umbrella where kinks and fetishes fall under.

Oh and thanks for the link...I 'll dive in later..

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

So I've been browsing these forums for a while and as I explore Ive been made increasingly aware of my sub side...so my question, or question, is how to start?

Well, I started by learning. I did a whole lot of research, not just in my kinks/fetishes, but in types of D/s relationships. I read stories on lit, and also read blogs by people who seemed to know what they were talking about. Submissivefeminist.com is a good source; though it is written from the perspective of a female sub, there's a lot that isn't really limited to that specific dynamic. Or, if podcasts are more your style, lovingBDSM is a good one.

Then I joined fetlife and spent maybe 4-5 months just reading what people wrote before I ever posted anything of my own. The "Novices and Newbies" group on fetlife was particularly helpful; there's all kinds of good information in the stickies of that group.

When I discovered something I thought might interest me, I did specific research on that thing and did a lot of introspection. I researched how to do it safely, whether the way I fantasized about it made sense, etc., and then pictured myself in the scenario to see if it really appealed to me.

Eventually, I tested out some things on my own, e.g. hairbrush spankings, nipple clamps, self-bondage, etc. I used to have a bunch of cloth belts connected and run underneath my mattress so that I could tie my legs wide open during masturbation; that was pretty fun, and it taught me that yes, I definitely like bondage. Once I knew that, I considered why I liked it and thought of things that would give me similar feelings, e.g. blindfolds, obeying orders, etc.

When I found a partner who was interested in dominating me and learning about BDSM, I submitted by doing some of the work for him, e.g. finding articles about how to do his interests safely and sharing (or sometimes summarizing) them. Then we filled out checklists to see what interested both of us, what our hard and soft limits were, etc., and started with the smallest things.

When we had something that seemed like it could carry some risk, we did more research and then asked people--either online or in the local community--who were experienced with that thing how to do it as safely as possible. Once we both felt confident that we knew what we were looking for in the relationship, we wrote up a contract that clearly laid out our needs, wants, limits, safe words, etc. just so we have something to reference. It's like a little relationship rule-book.

As we get a little more experienced, we're starting to think of trying things that are riskier, e.g. we're considering trying out electrical play. Before we do that, we plan on attending local classes, watching experienced people do it, and maybe even asking someone to supervise our play for the first few times so they can catch anything that might be potentially problematic.

Ultimately, though, I'd say start small, and start by researching, with a particular emphasis on safety.

For you experts, what defines the difference between king, fetish and BDSM?

I'm definitely not an expert, but I'll take a shot at answering this, anyway.

For me, a kink is any activity not commonly included in vanilla relationships that turns someone on. For instance, my kinks include (but are not limited to) bondage, application of hot wax, kneeling in front of my partner, orgasm control, and impact play (whips, floggers, paddles, etc.).

While I sometimes use "kink" and "fetish" interchangeably, for the most part I consider a fetish to be something someone actually needs to be aroused or to get off. For instance, vanilla sex does absolutely nothing for me. I can't reach orgasm--or even get very aroused--unless my partner is dominating me or I can pretend my partner is dominating me, so D/s is a fetish for me.

BDSM is an umbrella term; it's an acronym that stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. So any kink or fetish that falls into any or all of those categories is BDSM. Someone with a foot fetish isn't automatically interested in BDSM, but someone with a bondage fetish probably is--though they may not be into D/s (Domination and submission).

However, not everyone who's into BDSM is automatically into D/s, either. You get plenty of people who have spanking kinks or enjoy giving or receiving pain but don't want anything to do with a power exchange or the D/s aspect. Similarly, there are d-types and s-types who aren't into bondage, discipline, sadism, or masochism and just want a relationship where one (or more) partner(s) makes the decisions and has control, and the other partner(s) do(es) not.

I'm a man who gets turned on by being dominated, spanked, tied up etc by the way....

That's fun. I like when my partners do that to me, too, so I can relate. I hope you're able to find someone you're compatible with. You could try looking into your local community, too. You might be able to find someone who can help mentor you, maybe--another male s-type would be a good choice, because they'll be able to understand your perspective pretty well, I imagine.

 

[LauraWilling]

I don't know where you live, but in cities where there are larger BDSM communities you might find groups or even organizations that have "munches." These are informal meetings with no obligations to join, but at least you get to know people and the community and places to go to meet more people into this life.
Here in Arizona we have APEX, Arizona Power Exchange. It is a good place to start if in AZ as I am.
In Southern California, LA specifically there are many places to go and you can Google Los Angeles BDSM and lots of info pops up. Even clubs and bars you could check out. Some specific to men, some to women and some coed. I hope this helps

 

[AnnieLit]

I don't know where you live, but in cities where there are larger BDSM communities you might find groups or even organizations that have "munches." These are informal meetings with no obligations to join, but at least you get to know people and the community and places to go to meet more people into this life.
Here in Arizona we have APEX, Arizona Power Exchange. It is a good place to start if in AZ as I am.
In Southern California, LA specifically there are many places to go and you can Google Los Angeles BDSM and lots of info pops up. Even clubs and bars you could check out. Some specific to men, some to women and some coed. I hope this helps

What Laura said plus check your local MeetUp groups. Some of them are very much into BDSM, but google does not pick these events up, you need to join the meetup group first. Just found out we have a bi-monthly CFnm events few 10 min from my home. Never knew, until got a meetup invite.

 

[sweettalk4u]

I started this thread a while ago asking people how they got started - maybe you'll find some useful info:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1471760


As to labels - I see kink as an activity two people enjoy, like spanking or watersports.

A fetish, in my mind, is when one person objectifies the kink as well as the other person. Sooo - if my fetish is being peed on - I probably don't care as much about the other person's pleasure, I might not be as concerned about who is peeing on me. I just want to be peed on. I think when someone has a fetish, it can border on obsession. Like I can't get pleasure without that thing.

As to bdsm, I see that as the umbrella where kinks and fetishes fall under.

Well said! And I might add D/s makes a pretty good umbrella too!

 

[Chewbacca79]

In terms of practical advice, go at your own pace. Don't be pressured. Also be aware of people who have read all the books, watched all the videos and don't have the experience at least not healthy experience.

 

[LauraWilling]

In terms of practical advice, go at your own pace. Don't be pressured. Also be aware of people who have read all the books, watched all the videos and don't have the experience at least not healthy experience.

ABSOLUTELY!!!! Some things can become very risky to a sub when inexperienced "wannabe" Doms arein charge of a session So what Chewbacca says is very important.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

ABSOLUTELY!!!! Some things can become very risky to a sub when inexperienced "wannabe" Doms arein charge of a session So what Chewbacca says is very important.

I would actually take that a step further and say the same can go for an experienced sub and an inexperienced Dom. An experienced sub can top from the bottom and can take an inexperienced Dom places they really don't want to go. Granted, that is more of a mental and emotional thing perhaps but it is still worth noting.

 

[LauraWilling]

I would actually take that a step further and say the same can go for an experienced sub and an inexperienced Dom. An experienced sub can top from the bottom and can take an inexperienced Dom places they really don't want to go. Granted, that is more of a mental and emotional thing perhaps but it is still worth noting.

This is true too, but sometimes with inexperienced Doms it can get a little hard to do. I've tried before as best I could and it worked with one and not so much with the other. He just didn't get it, I guess.

 

[one_love]

I would actually take that a step further and say the same can go for an experienced sub and an inexperienced Dom. An experienced sub can top from the bottom and can take an inexperienced Dom places they really don't want to go. Granted, that is more of a mental and emotional thing perhaps but it is still worth noting.

I want to agree with you friend but Doms don’t go places they don’t want to go. They are the Dominant. It all goes back to communication and negotiation. Regardless who has the greater expierence, when things are put on the table...nothing should be a surprise.

 

[ExiledWelshman]

I want to agree with you friend but Doms don’t go places they don’t want to go. They are the Dominant. It all goes back to communication and negotiation. Regardless who has the greater expierence, when things are put on the table...nothing should be a surprise.

To a point, I am with you and I certainly do not want to instigate an argument, however...

Not all Doms are experienced. If they click with a submissive they will have an "idea" of what they want, but are not perhaps as well versed in the world of D/s. In the same way a Dom can mold a sub, a sub can also mold a Dom.

Will the Dom realise? Perhaps not, certainly not for a while.

I do agree with your assertion that nothing should be a surprise, but it is not beyond the realms of possibility that there are new Doms who are not at least slightly naive when they start out.

EDIT: This is VERY much getting away from the OP's specific question, which is my fault. Apologies, all.

 

[AnnieLit]

I want to agree with you friend but Doms don’t go places they don’t want to go. They are the Dominant. It all goes back to communication and negotiation. Regardless who has the greater expierence, when things are put on the table...nothing should be a surprise.

O, yes, they do! And it is VERY easy to get there and then hate yourself for it. When you are just starting out, you don't exactly know where your limits are. Yes, Doms have limits and this is not what always can be negotiated. You can negotiate yes or no on a particular activity, but you can't know in advance how far are you ready to take something, that is a yes. And with a sub that really pushes the envelope... let's just say that it is not an experience I would like to repeat. It made me completely stop, no impact play at all for a couple years. Then gradually I came back to it, but now I knew what I had to watch out for.

 

[AlwaysFara]

How is it going, OP?

 

[Teecee15]

How is it going, OP?

Well first off, thanks for all the help and discussion all..


A little slower than desired but getting there ! The half hearted spanking joke didnt quite down as expected but going toy shopping this weekend, hoping to awaken the dom in my partner that I know is there!