Spousal Starter-Kit

[Stilllearning2b]

......

 

[Stevew0073]

I would like to put together a “kit” for my spouse (wife) for her to use at her pleasure (if she wanted to) of things for her to dominate me with.

She knows that I enjoy when she is rough with my nipples, pinching, pulling, biting them. And she knows that I like it when she gets rough with them. But that is the farthest she has ever taken it or assumes I enjoy.

Basically a Domme starter kit for her. Maybe with items and information on being a Domme or at least being more domineering.

Suggestions? Does something like this already exist (I’m sure it probably does).

I don’t know if I would go a full on starter kit. I might take it more slowly starting with the nipple clamps. The next month maybe some weights for them or a chain that looks to a collar. Next month cuffs, then a leash see what I am saying is to bring her along slowly and pace the gifts as she gets comfortable with the previous.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Well, I guess I was thinking similar - but for her to decide what she would be comfortable using on me first, second, etc...

 

[Stevew0073]

Well, I guess I was thinking similar - but for her to decide what she would be comfortable using on me first, second, etc...

Have you talked to her about it?

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Kind of yes. But it’s not something I see her doing on her own (buying toys that is).

 

[curiouschattycouple]

Blindfold and under-the-mattress cuffs set!

 

[AnnieLit]

Blindfold and under-the-mattress cuffs set!

yes to both

 

[AnnieLit]

OK, first of all it would be helpful to know what exactly you mean, when you are talking about femdom:
- Physical domination, as in pleasure from pain? (nipple clamps, clothespins, paddles, crops, canes, whatever else)
- sensual play? (ice, candle wax, feathers, Wartenberg wheel, etc.)
- humiliation? (boot licking... don't know what else and don't really want to know)
- feminisation? (panties, stockings, heels, makeup, ...)
- ass play up to pegging? (I am not sure if that goes into pain or sensual, as it really depends...so let it be a separate category)

As you might imagine, different areas on this list will require different tools.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

OK, first of all it would be helpful to know what exactly you mean, when you are talking about femdom:
- Physical domination, as in pleasure from pain? (nipple clamps, clothespins, paddles, crops, canes, whatever else)
- sensual play? (ice, candle wax, feathers, Wartenberg wheel, etc.)
- humiliation? (boot licking... don't know what else and don't really want to know)
- feminisation? (panties, stockings, heels, makeup, ...)
- ass play up to pegging? (I am not sure if that goes into pain or sensual, as it really depends...so let it be a separate category)

As you might imagine, different areas on this list will require different tools.

1, 2, and 5 or would that be a,b, and e.

 

[cookiecat]

Agree with Annie - what is you want?

What you're describing to me is a little rough sex in the bedroom, with her being the initiator and the one who does all the stuff to you.

What does she get in return? How will you make getting your desires met something fun and hot for her?

To get her in to it, can you go to a toy site and look through things together? Or pull up some porn you enjoy and share it with her? Does she like toys used on her? Get a his and hers toy together - one you can use on her too?

I've been at this bdsm thing for 15+ years and I still feel embarrassed, shy and sometimes shameful for a few of the things I want. Asking for them is tough, especially with a reluctant partner, so I get where you're at. Making it fun, pleasurable, safe for your partner is key. Good luck!!

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Agree with Annie - what is you want?

What you're describing to me is a little rough sex in the bedroom, with her being the initiator and the one who does all the stuff to you.

What does she get in return? How will you make getting your desires met something fun and hot for her?

To get her in to it, can you go to a toy site and look through things together? Or pull up some porn you enjoy and share it with her? Does she like toys used on her? Get a his and hers toy together - one you can use on her too?

I've been at this bdsm thing for 15+ years and I still feel embarrassed, shy and sometimes shameful for a few of the things I want. Asking for them is tough, especially with a reluctant partner, so I get where you're at. Making it fun, pleasurable, safe for your partner is key. Good luck!!

Good questions. Though I wasn’t meaning to approach this from purely a self serving mindset. I guess I was/am hoping it would be enjoyable for her. But perhaps not.

 

[AnnieLit]

1, 2, and 5 or would that be a,b, and e.

(2) is an easy start.
A must have - scarf for blindfold. Another scarf (tie, belt) for hands. If you can attach that to headboard - great, if not, just above the head is fine for now.

Any fur you have in the house, Ice from the fridge, regular white thin candles from the basement (try them first on your palm and then wrist to figure out how high you need to hold them)

Do it to her first, then ask her to do it back. Whith this you will have to switch, just no way around it.

Porn... Unless you know that she likes it and you know exactly what kind, i wouldn't go this way. Chances are, she will hate it. Not because she hates the particular activity, but because she does not want to see it on the screen. Not to mention the fact, that showing your middle-aged wife young beautiful sexy models might not be the best boost to her confidence. How is she supposed to know what you like more in the scene - the act itself or the actress?

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Blindfold and under-the-mattress cuffs set!

Seems like a great start.

 

[curiouschattycouple]

We arent into anything too kinky, but this is some stuff that can be very versatile.

 

[AnnieLit]

This is not exactly porn, so might work better:
Body of Evidence (1993)

 

[KimGordon67]

I think cuffs are a pretty safe starting point ... we got some as our first 'toy' purchase, and they were perfect. They ended up being velcro ones, which wasn't entirely intentional, but have the bonus that I can actually undo them if I need too - that's kind of reassuring when you're a newbie. Don't worry - it's easy to forget that you can undo them, and when they're on and you're playing, you feel totally 'bound'. They're also joined by a chain that can be shortened, and can be unclipped - that's handy if you want to run the chain through bars on a bed-end etc. The chain also means you can drag the other person around by them a little.

We sometimes switch, and the cuffs are the go to for me when we do that - I find it immensely pleasing to see him wearing them, and fucking him like that, with me on top is great, because I know he can't touch me and I'm in almost total control.

So, yeah ... cuffs.

 

[KimGordon67]

(2) is an easy start.
A must have - scarf for blindfold. Another scarf (tie, belt) for hands. If you can attach that to headboard - great, if not, just above the head is fine for now.

Any fur you have in the house, Ice from the fridge, regular white thin candles from the basement (try them first on your palm and then wrist to figure out how high you need to hold them)

Do it to her first, then ask her to do it back. Whith this you will have to switch, just no way around it.

Porn... Unless you know that she likes it and you know exactly what kind, i wouldn't go this way. Chances are, she will hate it. Not because she hates the particular activity, but because she does not want to see it on the screen. Not to mentipn the fact, that showing your middle-aged wife young beautiful sexy models might not be the best boost to her confidence. How is she supposed to know what you like more in the scene - the act iself of the actress?

I'd agree with Annie on the porn front ... however, I've found photos nicked from the various Lit threads extremely useful in terms of thinking about what we might like to try. Technically still 'porn', but not so confrontational. Sometimes a nice photo is better than talking about/explaining something, and sometimes they're just good for inspiration.

 

[AnnieLit]

I'd agree with Annie on the porn front ... however, I've found photos nicked from the various Lit threads extremely useful in terms of thinking about what we might like to try. Technically still 'porn', but not so confrontational. Sometimes a nice photo is better than talking about/explaining something, and sometimes they're just good for inspiration.

Yes - photos in, videos out.
(I wonder why? For me even animated gifs are usually good, but not the normal sized porn scenes)

 

[AnnieLit]

I think cuffs are a pretty safe starting point ... we got some as our first 'toy' purchase, and they were perfect. They ended up being velcro ones, which wasn't entirely intentional, but have the bonus that I can actually undo them if I need too - that's kind of reassuring when you're a newbie. .

Our first cuffs ended up being our only cuffs and they are not even real ones - I just took a piece of double-sided velcro (soft side in, 1.5" or 2" wide, costs about $5/yard in any fabric store - JoAnn, Michaels, etc.) and ran a rope under it. Works just fine. Does not have the heavy leather look, but we are not much into the theatrics. Plus this way I don't have to worry about kids finding them - I don't think they will figure out why are there two velcro loops hanging on the bed behind the headboard and another two hiding under the mattress near the foot of the bed.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Any recommendations on where to purchase such items like cuffs, etc. here comes my politics but I would love to support a feminist owned shop.

Porn is a non starter for my wife, and I have major problems with the porn industry.

 

[AnnieLit]

Any recommendations on where to purchase such items like cuffs, etc.

My main recommendation - don't. Meaning that for now you need functionality, not the look.

When both of you get comfortable with the idea of what is going on, you can decide TOGETHER on what you want this staff to look like - color, material, width, weight, velcro vs actual keys, rings, spikes, whatever.

For now you are so much ahead of your wife, that you need to make it as non-scary for her as possible. Using familiar objects in a new way helps a lot with that. This is why I am talking about silk scarfs for blindfolds any any other scarfs you have around for tying hands. Or your ties, or her stockings, or any belts (bathrobe belts are great), or ... anything else you see laying around.

The thing is... If you spend few hundred dollars on the cuffs and she does not want to use them, it will be much harder for both of you to laugh it off than if you just spontaneously grab something that you see and ask her to use it. The fact that the spontaneous moment was carefully planned.. she does not need to know about it ))

 

[AnnieLit]

Porn is a non starter for my wife, and I have major problems with the porn industry.

Do the two of you ever watch not kids friendly movies together? If so, there are few mainstream ones (meaning, this is not porn) that might start the conversation going... Most of them will have female subs, so that's not exactly what you want, but you can find something with some sort of femdom in them...
Venus in Furs: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMY4PqehXMY
An awkward sexual adventure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNSju8V1Mxs
Body of evidence: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51xEHzC-rjQ

(OK, the first one is good, the next two... easier to watch and to talk about)

 

[gracie920101]

Have you talked to her about it?

Kind of yes. But it’s not something I see her doing on her own (buying toys that is).

I think it's admirable that you want to provide the tools for her since she is shy about it.

However, "kind of discussing" is like "kind of pregnant".

This is something that you both need really solid lines of communication. She's not a mind reader for your needs and you can't presume to know how she feels about topping you. Please, take the time outside of your play area (neutral territory) to seriously discuss this before risking hurt or confused feelings for either of you.

 

[saintcero]

restraint kit

amazon prime has a 10 pc restraint kit for $23. cuffs, blindfold, tickler, cotton rope etc. Good stuff for the price.

 

[AnnieLit]

Please, take the time outside of your play area (neutral territory) to seriously discuss this

Ha-ha, very funny. Do you really think they CAN talk about it? If they could possibly do it, he wouldn't need to have this discussion with strangers. And would have done it years ago, not now.