Feedback for "Mrs.Blum is Taken"

[livemuchin]

https://literotica.com/s/mrs-blum-is-taken

This is my story.
Glad to know your feedback.
Thanks.

 

[gordo12]

Clicked on the story, read a couple of paragraphs and left.

Your POV (Point of View) that you wrote the story in isn't a popular one and one I don't care for. That's more than likely the reason for the low score and lack of comments. I would leave any story from any author written like that.

The one comment you got seemed to indicate some issue with duplication of the story and only a 3* vote. That isn't a huge endorsement. That was a voter more motivated by annoyance than pleasure.

Your writing is interesting in the visual picture painting context so that was good.

Study the various POV's, there are threads here on the author forum and lots of info online.

Have a look at some of the successful stories in your chosen fetish and see how they write compared to how you write. Don't give up, I do see talent. It's just misdirected as to HOW to write a story.

 

[livemuchin]

Many thanks for your kind attention to my story, also you didn't like it.
I repeat what I said in my Notes: I'm glad to receive feedback, also if they are not positive.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Most of the story text appears twice. Either you accidentally hit paste twice in the text box when submitting this story, or there was a glitch later in the posting process.

Your story is posted in Group Sex but from what I saw it looks to be primarily about nonconsent, with elements of incest. Both NC and incest tend to be unpopular with readers outside their respective categories, so you're getting a double whammy here.

I'm fond of semicolons but I think you're overusing them. Example:

Carol, first, notices the four intruders; without a word, she springs out of her seat and runs to a second door; her intention is to escape, but one of the strangers, a white young giant of a man, is fast to run after her, out of the room; in few seconds he grabs Carol around the waist and lifts her trembling body up in his massive arms, like a weightless doll.

IMHO all of those semicolons could've been replaced with plain old sentence breaks. Semicolons are appropriate when two sentences contain closely related ideas and you want to emphasise that connection, but don't just use them every time one sentence flows on from the next.

"White young giant" is a little jarring because it breaks the usual pattern for adjective order in English - normally it would be "young white giant". "In few seconds" should be "In a few seconds", and there are other grammatical issues like this in the story. These are always hard to catch in one's own work, best option is to get an editor or beta-reader.

I won't comment on the story as a whole since it's not the kind of story that I prefer to read, so I'm not a good person to pass judgement on how well it tells the story.

 

[livemuchin]

Thanks to you, too.
My intention was to re-write the original story, to improve it. I don't know if I reached, or not, the target.
Grammatical issues. Yes, there are some of them; and typos, also. English is not my mother tongue. But let me say that I find a lot of mistakes also in other stories.
Anyway, I repeat: I appreciate very much any kind of comments/feedback to my work.

 

[gordo12]

Thanks to you, too.
My intention was to re-write the original story, to improve it. I don't know if I reached, or not, the target.
Grammatical issues. Yes, there are some of them; and typos, also. English is not my mother tongue. But let me say that I find a lot of mistakes also in other stories.
Anyway, I repeat: I appreciate very much any kind of comments/feedback to my work.

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why it's helpful to have a good editor to look over what you do. When you're writing a story and reading it a hundred times, somehow those mistakes disappear into the background. You become blind to them.

Funny thing is when the story is published they stand out like sore thumbs.

When you get your POV and other details right though, those mistakes are minor.

If English is a second language you need to spend even more time working with an editor whose first language is English.

I learned a lot from the comments I got on my first story. It's hard to take it when someone criticizes your baby, but you're getting good advice to work with in the future. I have a feeling your next story (do your own idea not someone elses) will be a lot better.

 

[livemuchin]

I read your suggestion.
Thanks a lot.