Figuring out if I’m submissive?

[Maybe_Sub_Missy]

I guess this is a little strange but I’m trying to figure out if I would be considered a submissive? I spent the majority of my life as a virgin in every way because I was raised to believe that you only have sex with the person you love. When I thought I had found that, he was my first hand job, blow job and fuck. In the months prior I expressed interest in being tied up and doing anything he asked, being used for his pleasure. He talked a big game and said how into it he was but when it came down to it he never bossed me around, man handled me during blow jobs or sex and didn’t try to tie me up. The sex was seriously disappointing and he never got me off. Now I’m trying to explore so that I don’t end up in a situation like this again and I’m more able to explain my interests. I know I like dirty talk (he was also fucking silent as the grave while fucking me and it SUCKED) and the idea of being tied up but I’m not sure how far I would go with following someone’s orders. I suspect if I trusted them I’d do pretty much anything though. Is there a good way to find out exactly how submissive I am? Help an inexperienced lady out?

 

[HornyHal]

I guess this is a little strange but I’m trying to figure out if I would be considered a submissive? I spent the majority of my life as a virgin in every way because I was raised to believe that you only have sex with the person you love. When I thought I had found that, he was my first hand job, blow job and fuck. In the months prior I expressed interest in being tied up and doing anything he asked, being used for his pleasure. He talked a big game and said how into it he was but when it came down to it he never bossed me around, man handled me during blow jobs or sex and didn’t try to tie me up. The sex was seriously disappointing and he never got me off. Now I’m trying to explore so that I don’t end up in a situation like this again and I’m more able to explain my interests. I know I like dirty talk (he was also fucking silent as the grave while fucking me and it SUCKED) and the idea of being tied up but I’m not sure how far I would go with following someone’s orders. I suspect if I trusted them I’d do pretty much anything though. Is there a good way to find out exactly how submissive I am? Help an inexperienced lady out?

Hmmm there is so much to unpack here. I’d love to start a dialogue, shoot me a PM if you’re interested.

 

[JohnieD]

On The Right Track

Maybe_Sub_Missy, you're definitely on the right track. Sent a pm.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm guessing you're going to get a few PM's offering to "help" you find out just how deep your submission runs.

Enjoy it! But be a little careful, too.

Come on back and tell us what you find out.

 

[Misshotndeep]

I am going to suggest you start out without sex involved. I am also going to suggest you start out with a dom you have spent time getting to know. Trust is imperative. Ginna say it again....Imperative to the process. Get a written contract stating where your hard limits are and start with the traffic light and not just a safe word. Look for those characteristics when interviewing a Dom and you should be able to find a good one. Oh and keep in mind that as a sub you have the ultimate control as you can stop the play whenever you feel unsafe.

Best of luck on your hunt!❤

 

[SissySalina]

Trust is the issue, to be sub to someone you must trust that they have your interest in mind. The D/s relationship is a 2 way with both parties trusting each other. It is not just a simple tie me up thing, it runs a lot deeper than that. If you look at it like "following orders" then that is not the right person for you, you fulfill request or wishes from someone else. In lots of ways you are putting your mind and body in the hands of someone else and to do this you must have a complete trust in them to do what is good for you and that no matter what, they will not harm you or let someone else harm you.

 

[Misshotndeep]

Trust is the issue, to be sub to someone you must trust that they have your interest in mind. The D/s relationship is a 2 way with both parties trusting each other. It is not just a simple tie me up thing, it runs a lot deeper than that. If you look at it like "following orders" then that is not the right person for you, you fulfill request or wishes from someone else. In lots of ways you are putting your mind and body in the hands of someone else and to do this you must have a complete trust in them to do what is good for you and that no matter what, they will not harm you or let someone else harm you.

Totally agree there. Trust is king!

 

[Chiquita6623]

I am going to suggest you start out without sex involved. I am also going to suggest you start out with a dom you have spent time getting to know. Trust is imperative. Ginna say it again....Imperative to the process. Get a written contract stating where your hard limits are and start with the traffic light and not just a safe word. Look for those characteristics when interviewing a Dom and you should be able to find a good one. Oh and keep in mind that as a sub you have the ultimate control as you can stop the play whenever you feel unsafe.

Best of luck on your hunt!❤

This is how I truly found out that I was submissive. I met a an older Dom, got to know him, and he was able to show me quite a lot. Trust is the biggest thing here! We also had a contact. Once that was put down on paper he helped me explore things that I knew I was willing to do and pushed my limits with the things I was on the fence about. We ALWAYS discussed things before we met though, sometimes all week long. Just make sure you are vetting any Dom you think you find any interest in.

 

[htester]

Hey Missy -

I think you're definitely on the right track. I don't think you need to have anyone push your boundaries all at once to figure out 'how submissive you are.' It sounds like you know you are a submissive and enjoy that lifestyle. Now, it seems like you're seeking an actual Dom, not just someone who says he's a Dom. So, what you need isn't someone really to push your boundaries, but to respect them. Together you can find the realms you enjoy. Somethings you might not like today (like tit clamping, which I hated then) you might discover you love now. So, I'd say just start with your boundaries now. Find someone that you trust, someone who eases you into it (but is a Dom and will call you a slut like you need). Don't be afraid to say no. I used to think that's what being a sub meant. But, that's how you figure out what you like/don't like or what you like/don't like with your Dom. Good luck!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm guessing you're going to get a few PM's offering to "help" you find out just how deep your submission runs.

Enjoy it! But be a little careful, too.

Come on back and tell us what you find out.

Oh indeed. I have it on good authority that there are a great deal of litsters who are god’s gift to blowjob manhandling.

Maybe_Sub, one sentence caught my attention: “I suspect if I trusted them I’d do pretty much anything though.”

This suggests two things to me. One, don’t. For a while. You’re kinda chompin’ at the bit to find what you thought you had with Captain Silent. You won’t find it until you do, and there be dicks out there (not the good kind). Two, this is pretty beautiful, and I’m going to say that it’s a great indicator that you’ve got a case of the submissive.

You sound like you know what turns you on. However, on an entirely pedestrian (sexual) level, the porn test (and it can be fantasies, not porn) is sometimes useful in divining a strong kink: What porn - or fantasy - most arouses you? When you are on the edge of orgasm, and desperately want to push yourself over the falls, what do you think of?

Good luck

 

[Lascivity]

Find someone who you can talk to about this stuff. Someone who you can really talk to - who doesn't mind discussing and explaining and getting into granular detail. Talk. Learn. Experiment. Don't compromise on who you play with, and you'll have a great time.

 

[Powerman_Expert]

Missy,

The best way to begin your journey into exploring your submissiveness is to begin with the mental and emotional. I will slowly bring you into a submissive role. Until you know you are truly submissive, you may end our relationship at any time. However, once you are convinced that you are a submissive, then you will not have an easy out - otherwise, you would not fully experienced the dominant - submissive relationship fully.

 

[AfterDusk]

I think my opinion differs greatly on this subject. First off, I would say do not go into this seeking a Dom!

To me it sounds like you have very little idea of your sexuality as a whole, and diving into one particular aspect of it before you understand who you are is a very bad idea. What I would suggest to you, is to find an open minded man that you trust (perhaps even love) and explore all aspects of sex with him. You might find that you actually do not like submission, but I feel like if you were to jump into a relationship with an experienced Dom he might inadvertently force your role simply because he would be able to reinforce it with an orgasm or two.

There is nothing wrong with being a submissive--if you truly have an understanding of yourself and know what all of your options are. Some people are naturally wired this way but I feel like more often than not, society tells women to submit. I would suggest staying away from the personals and from most of those on here who claim to be a Dom; explore the other side of Lit, read through the sexual stories and adventures and create a mental list of the things you'd want to try.

I suspect if I trusted them I’d do pretty much anything though.

Honey, I feel you. I've said it time and time again: for the right man, I would do anything. The problem is the world is so vast, the options so many that the chances I will meet the right man are almost infinitesimal. But this notion doesn't mean that one is submissive--I certainly am not. This yearning means that we feel a need for a true connection to someone who will understand our soul and appreciate us for who we are.

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

Hi!

I remember feeling that way. This is going to be a long post. Normally, I'd put a tl;dr, but I think it's important that you read the whole thing, so I won't.

The most important things I would say are:

1. Even though it's super tempting to just jump in with both feet, start slow. Once you find a dominant partner, you'll want to just try all the things right now! That's called sub frenzy. Try not to give into it too much. It can be risky. Start slow, and work up to the more serious stuff.

2. Operate with a positive consent model. Instead of meeting someone and saying "you can do anything that doesn't involve [insert your hard limits here]," consider saying "The only things you can do right now are x, y, and z. Everything else is off-limits for now, but we can add to this list later." This is important for a couple of reasons, but mostly because you're new to this, and you can't possibly imagine all of the things that will wind up being hard limits for you. People don't even need to know your hard limits right away; they only need to know what they're allowed to do. Everything else begins as a hard limit.

3. Get to know people before becoming sexual with them, and do not do bondage in a first play session. Bondage is one of my biggest kinks--I totally understand why you might want to just get tied up so badly that you want to ignore that advice, but please don't. Once someone gets you tied up, you are actually helpless in most cases, and that can turn from a dream come true to a nightmare so fast it'll make your head spin. If you get traumatized, you might never be able to enjoy bondage again, so don't go in for instant gratification if you can avoid it.

4. Do lots of research. I'd really recommend joining Fetlife and reading through all the information in the "Novices & Newbies" group, especially. You need to know how to safely do everything that's being done to you so that you can spot it when someone is doing it in an unsafe way.

5. Find someone you can talk to. If you join Fetlife, you can find events and munches in your local area, and find an experienced sub you can talk to, get advice from, bounce ideas off of, etc. (ideally of the same gender and with similar relationship/kink preferences so they know more about your feelings).

6. Remember that you are always allowed to safe word. It doesn't make you any less of a sub (and anyone who tries to tell you it does is not someone you want to be playing with).

7. Make sure whomever you play with respects your boundaries. Whenever I meet someone new--regardless of my intentions with them--, I do a little test. Tell them 'no' on something small and seemingly inconsequential, and watch their reaction. Do they get pissy? Try to persuade you to say 'yes,' instead? Pretend to back off but then bring it up again in a little while? These are people who do not respect your boundaries, and if they react like that to a little 'no,' what will they do when it really affects something they want? You do not want to find out that you're with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries after they've already got you tied up and helpless.

8. Don't ever let anyone tell you what kind of sub you are. People can suggest things that seem to fit, sure, but when someone tries to tell you you're a little but you don't feel it at all, what they're actually doing is manipulating you into being what they want, which isn't going to work out for either of you.

9. If it wouldn't be healthy in a vanilla relationship, it's not healthy in a BDSM relationship. Don't ignore red flags just because it's BDSM; healthy behaviors and abusive ones don't change just because kink gets involved. Similarly, people into BDSM are not inherently safer than those who are vanilla. Don't get soothed into doing something that isn't safe just because "they're a dom, so they wouldn't hurt me." If you wouldn't meet a vanilla stranger at their home after three days of talking, don't meet a dom at their home after three days of talking. BDSM does attract the Christian Grey type--abusers who think calling it BDSM makes it less abusive.

10. Do not let someone try to add to a scene after it's already started. Give consent for x, y, and z first, and stick to that. Note: This doesn't mean you can't safe word or decide you don't want to do x after it's started. You can always, at any time, withdraw your consent--yes, even as a sub. But when someone gets you feeling all subby and horny and in the "I'd do anything this person asks right now" mindframe and then asks for something you would not have agreed to when your clothes were on, that is not ok. It's manipulation, and in the most extreme cases it's deliberate and malicious abuse. Negotiate with your clothes on, and don't let your partner slip stuff in once the clothes come off. (no pun intended)

11. Again, do not ignore red flags. If something feels wrong to you, it doesn't matter if it's "normal" or "expected" or whatever else the person you're talking to tries to say it is. If you don't want or like it, it's a red flag for you, and that's ok. You're perfectly allowed to set boundaries even as a submissive.

12. There's really no such thing as finding out "how" submissive you are. It might seem like there's a hierarchy of submissiveness, but there's not. It's an illusion. Putting values on different "levels" of submissiveness is comparing yourself to others, and isn't healthy. All you really need to be thinking about is what you need, what you can't handle, what you like, and what you don't like. It doesn't matter if other subs like needles or being punched or not being allowed to pee without permission; all that matters for you is whether you like those things.

13. Understand that all newbies talk a big game. When we're new, we don't understand exactly how things feel. Being turned on by the idea of your partner fucking you even after you say "no" is a completely different thing than actually experiencing it, and it's ok to decide after trying it that you don't want to do it. It's also ok to decide that you don't even want to try it, even though it turns you on. Things are almost always going to feel more intense than you imagine they will. Some things that aren't even on your radar might become your favorite things ever, and some things you can't stop thinking about are going to become hard and soft limits. That's ok. It's normal, even.

I think the best thing you could do is join your local community and get to know the people there. Find people you can talk to about stuff without having sex with them, and understand that your first D/s relationship is probably not going to last forever, just like your first vanilla relationship.

If you need to talk without any expectations or possibility of it turning sexual, you are welcome to PM me, but I'd also recommend--again--finding an in-person friend with more experience you can talk to. People online can only help so much.

 

[surrenderedfaith]

I'm guessing you're going to get a few PM's offering to "help" you find out just how deep your submission runs.

Enjoy it! But be a little careful, too.

Come on back and tell us what you find out.

Seconding the " be careful" bit. You just threw out a bucket of bait to sharks.... but there will be a few good ones in the mix too.

I recommend this link to help you keep safety in mind.
http://thebdsmgarden.com/efiction/viewstory.php?sid=319&chapter=3

 

[shyxcurious]

Hi!

I remember feeling that way. This is going to be a long post. Normally, I'd put a tl;dr, but I think it's important that you read the whole thing, so I won't.

The most important things I would say are:

Truly, thank you for writing this. It’s the most clear, helpful and concise advice I’ve ever read!

 

[QuasiSemiDemiEsqueIsh]

Truly, thank you for writing this. It’s the most clear, helpful and concise advice I’ve ever read!

lol

No one ever accused me of being "concise" before.

I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for the compliment.

 

[Erosfan]

Trust is the issue, to be sub to someone you must trust that they have your interest in mind. The D/s relationship is a 2 way with both parties trusting each other. It is not just a simple tie me up thing, it runs a lot deeper than that. If you look at it like "following orders" then that is not the right person for you, you fulfill request or wishes from someone else. In lots of ways you are putting your mind and body in the hands of someone else and to do this you must have a complete trust in them to do what is good for you and that no matter what, they will not harm you or let someone else harm you.

Without trust, there is no true relationship.
"they will not harm you or let someone else harm you." This is a huge statement. If your partner loves you, he/she will see that no harm comes to you and both your pleasure will be a main focus.