Young, Strong-Willed, yet Submissive and Confused .. ?

[jewelzz]

Nope

hiiiiiii

 

[AlwaysFara]

If you talk to a lot of the women subs here, you will find most of us are strong willed.
Being submissive does not mean weak.
For me, letting go of control, and all of it, is a big part of my submissiveness. I need someone strong enough for me to do that.

Welcome to Lit.

 

[AllenWoody]

It's perhaps a bit of a stereotype, but sometimes those who live in a world of strength and control in their professional and daily lives are those most likely to crave submission in the bedroom.

This goes for men and women alike. Think of the high-class domme whose best clients are powerful CEOs.

My work life requires building consensus and employing finesse. In the bedroom I love the control. I guess I'm the stereotype too?

 

[Nezhul]

Hello.

So, first thing, it's very common to desire in bed or in your personal life something that is entirely different from your job/social lifestyle. If you think about it, this makes perfect sense. You're in control at work, you have to keep edgy and active in your argumentative family or in your secial circles... when you submit and let go in bed - you're simply taking a bit of emotional rest from your routine behavior. That's perfectly normal.

Now, how do you make both work? Honestly, simply keep the submissive stuff in bed, and keep being active, strong-willed and argumentative outside of it. As a dominant myself, I have no problem with my submissive being all of that and more. I don't think that submitting sexually has anything at all to do with submitting in other areas - those things may go hand-in-hand, but they may also not.
You can also have an in-between variant. For example, choosing only one person and submitting only to them, while staying independent to everyone else. Or picking which areas you want to submit in - for example you may want to be submissive when it comes to always being available for sex to them, but you may want to remain argumentative when it comes to choosing movies and dating places (a silly example).

In the end, you should remember that being a sub is in a way empowering. YOU pick and choose what you don't want to do, and don't let any dominant dictate to you how exactly he wants you to submit to them (unless you want exactly that)

Good luck!

 

[SissySalina]

Everyone is different, with different feeling and emotions. Some times it is to a point that you just want to let go, not have to make decisions and the bedroom is the best place to demonstrate that. That is your place where you decide and not let the situation dictate it for you. And yes it takes a very strong willed person to let go and be submissive. Most do not understand how much is given up by a submissive because they would not dare to go there themselves.

 

[fingermagic]

As a Dominant it always disturbs me when someone equates Dominant and domineering. They are very different. As described above, the Dominant cares for his/her submissive. That doesn’t mean they browbeat them or turn a positive into a negative. A domineering person is not a true Dominant (in my opinion), they are simply a loud mouth douche. A Dominant will respect their submissive and love them. The submissive gives their will (hopefully) to their Dominant. It is a beautiful synergistic relationship. Not an abusive one. As far as being rebellious, that’s part of the dynamic and is always a challenge for the Dominant.

 

[AlwaysFara]

As a Dominant it always disturbs me when someone equates Dominant and domineering. They are very different. As described above, the Dominant cares for his/her submissive. That doesn’t mean they browbeat them or turn a positive into a negative. A domineering person is not a true Dominant (in my opinion), they are simply a loud mouth douche. A Dominant will respect their submissive and love them. The submissive gives their will (hopefully) to their Dominant. It is a beautiful synergistic relationship. Not an abusive one. As far as being rebellious, that’s part of the dynamic and is always a challenge for the Dominant.

This. Well said.
Except the last line. Strong willed does not equal rebellious.

 

[CandiCame]

I think the other posters are right, inasmuch as most subs are strong-willed.

Like kind of the point of being submissive is that you can turn your brain off for a couple of hours and not have to deal with that bullshit and shove all that control off on someone else, secure in the absolute trust you have that they're going to watch you and take care of you and keep you from killing yourself, and all you have to do is kind of lie back and have your own pleasure for two fucking hours or whatever.

That's a great feeling.

 

[Bowedmale]

As a Dominant it always disturbs me when someone equates Dominant and domineering. They are very different. As described above, the Dominant cares for his/her submissive. That doesn’t mean they browbeat them or turn a positive into a negative. A domineering person is not a true Dominant (in my opinion), they are simply a loud mouth douche. A Dominant will respect their submissive and love them. The submissive gives their will (hopefully) to their Dominant. It is a beautiful synergistic relationship. Not an abusive one. As far as being rebellious, that’s part of the dynamic and is always a challenge for the Dominant.

I agree with this. For me a dominant accepts your submission versus forcing it. There is also an element of boundaries where a dominant let’s the chips fall where they may. That may result in rewards, punishments, training, or just life. But for a dominant it is what it is. That love for a sub may not be all enjoyable for the submissive and they still surrender to those choices because they are sub. (Not forced).

 

[sweettalk4u]

Nothing turns me on more than the aspect of BDSM lifestyle and submitting to a man sexually. I am not currently involved in the lifestyle but I have had domineering partners and have encouraged them to push me sexually and mentally, and I genuinely want to continue pursuing BDSM in the future.

The thing is, I have always been a very strong-willed person and have never been someone who enjoys being told what to do...I am an elementary school teacher so control is extremely important in my everyday life. Plus I come from a very argumentative family & am willing to argue my case when necessary/when I know I am right in non-opinion based situations (EX: the person who missed the final shot in my HS sectional championship game).
What I am trying to say is that I do not understand why I have these sexual desires and can feel completely different about my everyday lifestyle at the same time, nor do I understand how I can make both work.
If you have any ideas/suggestions/experiences/etc please PM me

It is not anything to worry about. You are young and spirited and that’s great! You are interested in expanding your sexual horizons and that’s fantastic. Just keep an open mind and keep learning. Just because you are submissive in the bedroom or in a bdsm relationship doesn’t mean you are weak at all. It takes more strength to be submissive.
Giving up control apart from your daily life is something many people need to achieve a kind of inner balance. A responsible Dom (& they don’t grow on trees) will know how to work with you, gradually taking control and helping you to thrive.

 

[Threadbare42]

Guess I probably fit the stereotype. Weak is perhaps the wrong word, but my natural instinct is to try to please, listen to others and put their needs first, not to be in control. But the kind of scenarios that appeal to me sexually usually involve dominating someone.

It doesn't help the confusion when you have some subs who will say things in a personal ad like "I want someone who is truly dominant, no time wasters" etc. It can be quite off-putting for someone like me who is just interested in performing scenes with someone I mutually trust as an equal. I could never be one of these 24/7 "lifestyle" people, but that kind of begs the question, where do they fit in?

 

[sub2femdom]

Guess I probably fit the stereotype. Weak is perhaps the wrong word, but my natural instinct is to try to please, listen to others and put their needs first, not to be in control. But the kind of scenarios that appeal to me sexually usually involve dominating someone.

It doesn't help the confusion when you have some subs who will say things in a personal ad like "I want someone who is truly dominant, no time wasters" etc. It can be quite off-putting for someone like me who is just interested in performing scenes with someone I mutually trust as an equal. I could never be one of these 24/7 "lifestyle" people, but that kind of begs the question, where do they fit in?

Think of it like a hobby...

Let's say your hobby is flying kites.

You enjoy it, so you start going out and flying your kite maybe once a week or once every other week.

Some people might just want to fly it once a week, or every other.
Others, while they enjoy it, may only go out and do it once a month or irregularly.

And them some, will decide to do it daily. They might eventually learn so much about kites that they go to work for a kite-making company, and everything about kites becomes the biggest part of their life.

This is why I call the people you refer to "Career Subs".. Personally I don't take it nearly that far, and while I'm definitely doing some kind of sub activity daily, it stays in my bedroom (or hotel room!) and the rest of my life is unchanged.

 

[CandiCame]

Guess I probably fit the stereotype. Weak is perhaps the wrong word, but my natural instinct is to try to please, listen to others and put their needs first, not to be in control. But the kind of scenarios that appeal to me sexually usually involve dominating someone.

It doesn't help the confusion when you have some subs who will say things in a personal ad like "I want someone who is truly dominant, no time wasters" etc. It can be quite off-putting for someone like me who is just interested in performing scenes with someone I mutually trust as an equal. I could never be one of these 24/7 "lifestyle" people, but that kind of begs the question, where do they fit in?

This is gonna be a real weird metaphor, and I am living a fever dream right now- so like... I'm gonna compare people to animals and if that's offensive, I'm sorry.

But like, you know how people have pets? Like you know how people have dogs? And the person who has the dog has to take care of it, give it food and water, make sure it doesn't hurt itself, etc?

That person is in charge of that dog.

Not all dogs are lap dogs. Some dogs hold full time jobs, like in the army or as cops or whatever. Some dogs are attack dogs. They don't all have the same personality.

But they're all pets. And they all depend on humans to take care of them. They all trust humans to take care of them, to watch over them, to provide somewhere safe and warm with food and toys and little sweaters (actually my dog is a pretty big boy, he can wear my clothes... I gave my old hoodies to my dog. Don't judge, we match and it's adorable) and love and pets and affection.

So... being a sub is kind of like being a dog, and being a dom is kind of like having a dog, in the sense that you've agreed to have someone that you're going to take care of.

If you want someone who will take less effort, find someone that requires less care, who doesn't need constant attention and affection. Some subs need more attention and if you leave me alone I absolutely cannot promise that I won't chew the furniture apart. Or bite someone. Or hump something I'm not supposed to.

So it's like... a mindset thing. I'm not a submissive person any more than an aggressive dog is. My first instinct is actually to get really bitchy and take control when something needs doing. So I should probably be kept on a leash. And I like having that mindset, that knowledge that someone can PUT me on a leash. That's actually the whole point. I'd never do the personals thing that you're talking about because you can't find someone who's serious enough to do the 24/7 thing- for the same reason that people don't adopt aggressive dogs off Craigslist, they have to go to rehoming facilities and prove that they're capable of that kind of relationship. So if you're going to do the 24/7 thing, it has to be a real realtionship, I think, not just a sex thing.

And, btw, I think it's good that people are upfront about that. Like I don't really find that confusing. You have to understand, from our POV, how hard it is to find a good dom and not some abusive asshole who watched 50 Shades and thinks 'sub' is code for 'someone who wants to be abused'. So like... expectation management is important.

 

[AlwaysFara]

This is gonna be a real weird metaphor, and I am living a fever dream right now- so like... I'm gonna compare people to animals and if that's offensive, I'm sorry.

But like, you know how people have pets? Like you know how people have dogs? And the person who has the dog has to take care of it, give it food and water, make sure it doesn't hurt itself, etc?

That person is in charge of that dog.

Not all dogs are lap dogs. Some dogs hold full time jobs, like in the army or as cops or whatever. Some dogs are attack dogs. They don't all have the same personality.

But they're all pets. And they all depend on humans to take care of them. They all trust humans to take care of them, to watch over them, to provide somewhere safe and warm with food and toys and little sweaters (actually my dog is a pretty big boy, he can wear my clothes... I gave my old hoodies to my dog. Don't judge, we match and it's adorable) and love and pets and affection.

So... being a sub is kind of like being a dog, and being a dom is kind of like having a dog, in the sense that you've agreed to have someone that you're going to take care of.

If you want someone who will take less effort, find someone that requires less care, who doesn't need constant attention and affection. Some subs need more attention and if you leave me alone I absolutely cannot promise that I won't chew the furniture apart. Or bite someone. Or hump something I'm not supposed to.

So it's like... a mindset thing. I'm not a submissive person any more than an aggressive dog is. My first instinct is actually to get really bitchy and take control when something needs doing. So I should probably be kept on a leash. And I like having that mindset, that knowledge that someone can PUT me on a leash. That's actually the whole point. I'd never do the personals thing that you're talking about because you can't find someone who's serious enough to do the 24/7 thing- for the same reason that people don't adopt aggressive dogs off Craigslist, they have to go to rehoming facilities and prove that they're capable of that kind of relationship. So if you're going to do the 24/7 thing, it has to be a real realtionship, I think, not just a sex thing.

And, btw, I think it's good that people are upfront about that. Like I don't really find that confusing. You have to understand, from our POV, how hard it is to find a good dom and not some abusive asshole who watched 50 Shades and thinks 'sub' is code for 'someone who wants to be abused'. So like... expectation management is important.

I hope you don’t actually have a sub.
You don’t deserve one.

Subs are like dogs?


Oh, baby... you have so much to learn.

 

[CandiCame]

I hope you don’t actually have a sub.
You don’t deserve one.

Subs are like dogs?


Oh, baby... you have so much to learn.

Of course I don't have a sub. I said over and over that I AM a sub.

Edit: I thought maybe that was unclear but I just read over my post again and I specifically refereed to myself as someone who DOES want the constant care and attention. Compared myself to an especially aggressive dog who needs extra love and support and would only be adopted out from a rehoming facility to someone who was qualified to provide that quality of care, rather than a 'free puppy' craigslist ad. So I don't know where the confusion came from but I'm sorry for it.

 

[Mei5ter]

Hello Jewel,

Firstly, don’t worry. What you’re describing makes perfect sense and is entirely natural.

Your personality is not the same as your sexual tastes. There is no reason at all why what you like in the bedroom needs to be mirrored other areas of your life and character.

The cliche of the dominant, aggressive senior executive who loves to be spanked and humiliated in the bedroom exists for a reason: it’s true. Equally, there are people for whom sexual submission is an extension of a desire to please and care for their partner. And dozens of other variations on the theme.

Personally, I am delighted that my sexual tastes don’t reflect other aspects of my personality. I suspect that if I went through life working out ways to inflict pain on everyone I met, neither I nor the rest of humanity would enjoy the experience!

 

[amofiga]

@ jewelzz: Over the years, I've known more than one woman who was "strong and confident" in her "real life" but could enjoy being submissive in her sex life. For them, sexual submissiveness was a conscious choice that they made for the sexual environment. It sounds like you could be in that situation.

One married women I had a multi-year relationship was the marketing manager of an ad agency. She also had two teen aged boys. In her work life she was in charge of over a dozen people and dealt with clients on a regular basis. She had to be confident and in control. She also had to deal with her sons. Yet, when we were together, she was totally submissive. We'd walk into a hotel room and as soon as she crossed the threshold, she gave up her body and mind to my wishes and demands. Her own husband did not understand her need for submission and did not provide her the environment to relinquish control. In minutes I could have her naked, crawling on the floor to lick my feet and anything else. Yet, this would have NEVER been her in the office or in her "real life". When we were finished a couple hours of afternoon adventure, she could consciously return to her everyday persona.

I knew others like this who had a "outside persona" and a "secret persona" which they could consciously decide to adopt depending on the situation. Even for myself, in my real life and in my work life, I would not have described myself as a "dom" person but could adopt that for sex play. I know that there are those who live the D/S role 24/7 but for others it's more of a "game" or "role play"for lack of a better term. It's NOT just pretend, but the ability to display and live out various aspects of their personality and sexuality when allowed to, but adopt their "real life" persona when necessary. Perhaps you can understand and learn to enjoy the multiple parts of your personality and sexuality in different places at different times and even perhaps with different people.

 

[DVS]

Of course I don't have a sub. I said over and over that I AM a sub.

Edit: I thought maybe that was unclear but I just read over my post again and I specifically refereed to myself as someone who DOES want the constant care and attention. Compared myself to an especially aggressive dog who needs extra love and support and would only be adopted out from a rehoming facility to someone who was qualified to provide that quality of care, rather than a 'free puppy' craigslist ad. So I don't know where the confusion came from but I'm sorry for it.

Some submissives feel like you describe. I'd say it isn't the norm, but it's not impossible. Some people just want everything done for them, and they accept whatever comes to them, from the dom.

Most submissives aren't that way, though. Most submissives actually control what will and won't happen in a relationship with their limits. What you describe seems more like someone without any limits and while that isn't impossible, it's rare.

Don't feel you have to conform to any set rules. Be what you want to be and find yourself a dom that will match your desires. But remember...don't be a door mat unless you want to be one. Don't attribute yourself as a dog unless that is what you truly want in a relationship.

There are fake doms who assume all submissives should act that way. Don't get yourself mixed up with such a person, because they don't know what they are doing and many of them are sociopaths. They become very controlling and separate you from family and friends, leaving just the dom as your connection to the outside world.

And if you question the dom's control, he goes ballistic and can even become violent. He is very immature mentally and needs to control someone in every way to have satisfaction.

Those from the old world of Gor were like that and there are some who still live that way, but instead of submissives, their partners are slaves. Just be aware of what's out there and be your own person. Don't assume someone else's belief system is the only way. It's what you want and you decide that with your limits.

 

[DVS]

Nothing turns me on more than the aspect of BDSM lifestyle and submitting to a man sexually. I am not currently involved in the lifestyle but I have had domineering partners and have encouraged them to push me sexually and mentally, and I genuinely want to continue pursuing BDSM in the future.

The thing is, I have always been a very strong-willed person and have never been someone who enjoys being told what to do...I am an elementary school teacher so control is extremely important in my everyday life. Plus I come from a very argumentative family & am willing to argue my case when necessary/when I know I am right in non-opinion based situations (EX: the person who missed the final shot in my HS sectional championship game).


What I am trying to say is that I do not understand why I have these sexual desires and can feel completely different about my everyday lifestyle at the same time, nor do I understand how I can make both work.

If you have any ideas/suggestions/experiences/etc please PM me

I didn't read all of the replies, so sorry, if someone else has already mentioned this. But, it also doesn't hurt to have someone else explain it in a different way.

There are a lot of women who live a strong and stressful situation in their day to day life, where they may be an executive or a company owner or just a supervisor who has control over several employees, even hiring and firing.

Keeping a group of employees working and production going can be stressful. Dealing with personalities can also be stressful. That kind of life is how many male executives lead.

But, when it comes to sexual desires, many of these people, both women and men, tend to desire a submissive role in the bedroom. Actually, they prefer something almost totally contrary to their day to day lifestyle.

They want someone else to take charge. They want someone else to make the decisions. They want someone else to be in control of what happens. It's their subconscious mind taking over to help them escape from the stress of the day. Their sexual desires are how they release that stress, letting someone else be in charge and they just submit.

Oh, you still have limits and you still set the tone of the relationship with those limits, but your subconscious mind knows to help you escape from that stress by finding those submissive desires alluring.

Actually, the more stressful your day to day life is, the more submissive you can become. I know it sounds strange, because you are very much in charge of your life in your day job and you even control the activities of others. But, just let it happen. Your sex life is suppose to help you relax. And any stress that you have inside, from a busy day is going to be forgotten, with a good submissive sexual relationship.

 

[CandiCame]

Some submissives feel like you describe. I'd say it isn't the norm, but it's not impossible. Some people just want everything done for them, and they accept whatever comes to them, from the dom.

Most submissives aren't that way, though. Most submissives actually control what will and won't happen in a relationship with their limits. What you describe seems more like someone without any limits and while that isn't impossible, it's rare.

Don't feel you have to conform to any set rules. Be what you want to be and find yourself a dom that will match your desires. But remember...don't be a door mat unless you want to be one. Don't attribute yourself as a dog unless that is what you truly want in a relationship.

There are fake doms who assume all submissives should act that way. Don't get yourself mixed up with such a person, because they don't know what they are doing and many of them are sociopaths. They become very controlling and separate you from family and friends, leaving just the dom as your connection to the outside world.

And if you question the dom's control, he goes ballistic and can even become violent. He is very immature mentally and needs to control someone in every way to have satisfaction.

Those from the old world of Gor were like that and there are some who still live that way, but instead of submissives, their partners are slaves. Just be aware of what's out there and be your own person. Don't assume someone else's belief system is the only way. It's what you want and you decide that with your limits.

I really wish I hadn't posted in this thread, because that's not at all what I said, and I don't know if I'm really that bad at communication (because if I am I don't know how I've lived this long. I would be dead if I could say something and have multiple people consistently think I meant the exact opposite) or if y'all are purposefully trying to make me seem like a dick or idiot.

Again, what I said is that there are different kinds of people, just like there are different kinds of dogs. And that subs, like dogs, are looking for someone to take care of them, but like different kinds of dogs, subs want to be taken care of in different ways.

That's literally what I said. I don't know how multiple people twisted that into "you want a human pet" or "you want to be a slave".

Of course the sub is in charge like Jesus goddamn Christ.

Have you people genuinely never met a dog? A dog is not a door mat. You absolutely can't walk all over them or you'll get bit. I didn't mean "subs are like metaphorical dogs" I meant that subs are like REAL dogs, and if you're going to be a dom you're taking on responsibility like you do if you decide to get a dog.

I wish y'all would read what I wrote instead of just making assumptions about me based on the first sentence and what (I guess) you think a dog is. Because I can't imagine anyone who has ever met a dog would give them the attributes you folks did to twist my metaphor so bad.

I'm sorry if this comes off as aggressive but this is the second time someone tried to drag me for no reason. I basically said exactly what you said, yet you came in and explained it to me like I hadn't just said it.

Most DOGS also control what will and won't happen in a relationship. If somebody's treating a dog the way you people seem to think is the default, they need to lose their fucking dog because they're abusing it. Having a pet is a relationship, not a toy. If you have a dog that, for example, is scared of a certain person, you don't fucking force the dog to be around them. The human they don't like will get bit and you'll get sued. You have a responsibility, if you have a dog, to keep it healthy and happy. You don't try to change the dog's personality- this is exactly what I was talking about.

If you have an aggressive dog, like say a dog was abused and now you're rehabilitating it, you don't expect the DOG to change to fit your rules. To be ABLE to rehome an aggressive dog you have to take classes through the SPCA and prove that you can handle it by changing the environment to suit the dog. I compared myself to an aggressive dog- as someone who would need MORE care, need a REAL RELATIONSHIP.

But some people are like 'free puppy' ads on craigslist. They're more or less cool, low maintenance, and just need a little love every now and then.

Nowhere did I imply that being compared to a dog meant people "wanted everything done for them" or "accepted whatever a dom" did to them. Have you people ever met a dog? That is the EXACT OPPOSITE of how dogs are. Half my fucking chairs have the paint stripped off of them because SOMEBODY liked to chew on them when he was a kid. SOME dogs hold full time jobs. Some can't find a scrap of food you tried to give them when it's an inch in front of their face. Subs are all different and all require different levels of care. Like dogs.

For context, I was explaining to the OP why he just shouldn't reply to those ads that were looking for full-time play. Because he wasn't equipped for that any more than some kid off the street is equipped to rehome an aggressive dog. I was saying he needed to find someone he was compatible with.

I expected the other response I got, the one that bitched at me for comparing humans to animals because people who don't like animals tend to get really mad about that. I've had it happen before. I didn't expect for someone to miss the point of what I said so extensively.

Again, I'm sorry if I come off as aggressive. I'm afraid I might have and that's not my intention. It's just that you're not responding to what I actually said and I guess that's one of my buttons. Sometimes when I'm agitated I worry that I come off as more aggressive than I mean to.

Because, again, the dog metaphor. Meaner than a junkyard dog and all that.

 

[newhere2learn]

I can oy echo some of the above. I'm a switch, so can Dom or sub depending upon my mood and the play partner. However IRL I am in control of everything, .lastly through necessity.

At home, my wife has bipolar, so is often ineffectual at household tasks, struggles with money management, or keeping jobs long term. Thus I've become the defaqto "provider" for the family.

Work, in a management role, with technical requirements.. in the authority and expertise.

Hobbies, again I'm the organiser and suggestor.

So, for me submitting is pure escapism. Subspace is leaving all of that behind. No overdraft fees, no dog to walk, kids to hustle, wife's mistakes to put right. No angry board meetings where funding is denied for legally required items because it's "not profitable" despite being mandatory.

As an only child, pressure is constant from my folks as they age. Which is understandable but at times exhausting.


So, to submit is bliss. Phone notification, email, board meetings, deadlines, other people's needs.... Don't count for anything. Subspace is wonderful. Especially with a dominant whom enjoys not only pushing my boundaries but also seeing me crave pleasure, and work toward that final release.

The fact that she also finds the psychological aspect intriguing so quizes me afterwards, heightens my desire to please her.



Conversely, after being a sub, I find that I can be dominant at home/work with more ease. Effectively cleared my mind.

Likewise, I can be more in control in bed with my wife.

 

[DVS]

I really wish I hadn't posted in this thread, because that's not at all what I said, and I don't know if I'm really that bad at communication (because if I am I don't know how I've lived this long. I would be dead if I could say something and have multiple people consistently think I meant the exact opposite) or if y'all are purposefully trying to make me seem like a dick or idiot.

Again, what I said is that there are different kinds of people, just like there are different kinds of dogs. And that subs, like dogs, are looking for someone to take care of them, but like different kinds of dogs, subs want to be taken care of in different ways.

That's literally what I said. I don't know how multiple people twisted that into "you want a human pet" or "you want to be a slave".

Of course the sub is in charge like Jesus goddamn Christ.

Have you people genuinely never met a dog? A dog is not a door mat. You absolutely can't walk all over them or you'll get bit. I didn't mean "subs are like metaphorical dogs" I meant that subs are like REAL dogs, and if you're going to be a dom you're taking on responsibility like you do if you decide to get a dog.

I wish y'all would read what I wrote instead of just making assumptions about me based on the first sentence and what (I guess) you think a dog is. Because I can't imagine anyone who has ever met a dog would give them the attributes you folks did to twist my metaphor so bad.

I'm sorry if this comes off as aggressive but this is the second time someone tried to drag me for no reason. I basically said exactly what you said, yet you came in and explained it to me like I hadn't just said it.

Most DOGS also control what will and won't happen in a relationship. If somebody's treating a dog the way you people seem to think is the default, they need to lose their fucking dog because they're abusing it. Having a pet is a relationship, not a toy. If you have a dog that, for example, is scared of a certain person, you don't fucking force the dog to be around them. The human they don't like will get bit and you'll get sued. You have a responsibility, if you have a dog, to keep it healthy and happy. You don't try to change the dog's personality- this is exactly what I was talking about.

If you have an aggressive dog, like say a dog was abused and now you're rehabilitating it, you don't expect the DOG to change to fit your rules. To be ABLE to rehome an aggressive dog you have to take classes through the SPCA and prove that you can handle it by changing the environment to suit the dog. I compared myself to an aggressive dog- as someone who would need MORE care, need a REAL RELATIONSHIP.

But some people are like 'free puppy' ads on craigslist. They're more or less cool, low maintenance, and just need a little love every now and then.

Nowhere did I imply that being compared to a dog meant people "wanted everything done for them" or "accepted whatever a dom" did to them. Have you people ever met a dog? That is the EXACT OPPOSITE of how dogs are. Half my fucking chairs have the paint stripped off of them because SOMEBODY liked to chew on them when he was a kid. SOME dogs hold full time jobs. Some can't find a scrap of food you tried to give them when it's an inch in front of their face. Subs are all different and all require different levels of care. Like dogs.

For context, I was explaining to the OP why he just shouldn't reply to those ads that were looking for full-time play. Because he wasn't equipped for that any more than some kid off the street is equipped to rehome an aggressive dog. I was saying he needed to find someone he was compatible with.

I expected the other response I got, the one that bitched at me for comparing humans to animals because people who don't like animals tend to get really mad about that. I've had it happen before. I didn't expect for someone to miss the point of what I said so extensively.

Again, I'm sorry if I come off as aggressive. I'm afraid I might have and that's not my intention. It's just that you're not responding to what I actually said and I guess that's one of my buttons. Sometimes when I'm agitated I worry that I come off as more aggressive than I mean to.

Because, again, the dog metaphor. Meaner than a junkyard dog and all that.

You surely understand the reference of "treated like a dog" in a D/s relationship. That's how your first post came off. I understand what your saying now, but saying a submissive is like a dog is usually saying they are less than human with no rights...to be owned.

I like dogs and all animals and I know what you are saying about them. They aren't totally submissive and some will bite, if mistreated. But, in the bigger picture, they have no rights like humans do and to relate a submissive human to a dog is close to triggering a red flag for many submissives.

You needed to explain what you meant. Don't get upset at someone who doesn't understand. These are just words on a page, with no emotion, no smilies, and no body language to help someone to understand your thoughts.

Without the explanation, you should have expected at least a few people to question what you meant. Submissives are strong willed people and without understanding your intentions, calling them "like a dog" are fighting words.

 

[Scareltt]

Being so honest with yourself..

Nothing turns me on more than the aspect of BDSM lifestyle and submitting to a man sexually. I am not currently involved in the lifestyle but I have had domineering partners and have encouraged them to push me sexually and mentally, and I genuinely want to continue pursuing BDSM in the future.

The thing is, I have always been a very strong-willed person and have never been someone who enjoys being told what to do...I am an elementary school teacher so control is extremely important in my everyday life. Plus I come from a very argumentative family & am willing to argue my case when necessary/when I know I am right in non-opinion based situations (EX: the person who missed the final shot in my HS sectional championship game).


What I am trying to say is that I do not understand why I have these sexual desires and can feel completely different about my everyday lifestyle at the same time, nor do I understand how I can make both work.

If you have any ideas/suggestions/experiences/etc please PM me

First, welcome to Lit. Second, being honest with yourself is the first step in figuring anything out. One of the qualities I would want in a submissive is a strong will. I don’t want someone to blindly follow me. Challenge me, make me think. I’ll in turn challenge you. That way we don’t get bored.

Your profession is stressful enough, you have to make a number of decisions everyday regarding the safety, education, and wellbeing of a number of people. Then you have to be self confident enough to explain some of those decisions to ass covering supervisors, and probably more annoying parents. (Thank you for doing all of that, I know for a fact that I cannot)

Once the day is over I understand your desire to stop making decisions. To maybe want to be restrained. Whether that’s in an embrace of a lover. Or the embrace of a structured environment, where you know you a safe and can let yourself go. I think you need to find the right person to explore this with..

Take your time finding that person, there are plenty of resources here. You need to find someone who is going to nurture you.

 

[sweettalk4u]

This is gonna be a real weird metaphor, and I am living a fever dream right now- so like... I'm gonna compare people to animals and if that's offensive, I'm sorry.

But like, you know how people have pets? Like you know how people have dogs? And the person who has the dog has to take care of it, give it food and water, make sure it doesn't hurt itself, etc?

That person is in charge of that dog.

Not all dogs are lap dogs. Some dogs hold full time jobs, like in the army or as cops or whatever. Some dogs are attack dogs. They don't all have the same personality.

But they're all pets. And they all depend on humans to take care of them. They all trust humans to take care of them, to watch over them, to provide somewhere safe and warm with food and toys and little sweaters (actually my dog is a pretty big boy, he can wear my clothes... I gave my old hoodies to my dog. Don't judge, we match and it's adorable) and love and pets and affection.

So... being a sub is kind of like being a dog, and being a dom is kind of like having a dog, in the sense that you've agreed to have someone that you're going to take care of.

If you want someone who will take less effort, find someone that requires less care, who doesn't need constant attention and affection. Some subs need more attention and if you leave me alone I absolutely cannot promise that I won't chew the furniture apart. Or bite someone. Or hump something I'm not supposed to.

So it's like... a mindset thing. I'm not a submissive person any more than an aggressive dog is. My first instinct is actually to get really bitchy and take control when something needs doing. So I should probably be kept on a leash. And I like having that mindset, that knowledge that someone can PUT me on a leash. That's actually the whole point. I'd never do the personals thing that you're talking about because you can't find someone who's serious enough to do the 24/7 thing- for the same reason that people don't adopt aggressive dogs off Craigslist, they have to go to rehoming facilities and prove that they're capable of that kind of relationship. So if you're going to do the 24/7 thing, it has to be a real realtionship, I think, not just a sex thing.

And, btw, I think it's good that people are upfront about that. Like I don't really find that confusing. You have to understand, from our POV, how hard it is to find a good dom and not some abusive asshole who watched 50 Shades and thinks 'sub' is code for 'someone who wants to be abused'. So like... expectation management is important.

Yes much more responsibility for the Dom. Dom’s responsible & caring. Subs honest & obedient

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Candi, I'm glad you posted. I always appreciate what you have to say.
I like the junkyard dog comparison, not the first time I've heard it.

jewelzz, welcome to the boards.