Ask a MtF TG a question

[Joe_Bob_Gautama]

What a compelling spokesperson for education about genetic diversity!

I found that very interesting and touching. Thank you!

(Oops, meant to send to stickygirl, but hit the wrong message. Sorry!)

 

[CountryGuy2]

Good job Stickygirl, great video

 

[stickygirl]

Well here's another bit of video - three actually. I forget what I was googling but I discovered Lindsey Dryden, a up and coming film producer working with LGBTQ communities and in this link she has teamed up with ACLU.
https://www.aclu.org/issues/lgbt-rights/transgender-rights/trans-america

 

[stickygirl]

Here's my mate Charlie with a shout out to spread the word and put trans in front of people. So here's a selection of YT ladies who helped me along the way. We each have different lives and aspirations, but there is so much we have in common too. So Charlie's idea was a good one and these are some of my favourites who I followed faithful

Minor q back Cos she doesn't take any crap

Trans life and body I love her style and the way she is kinda sensual with her whole life

Jessica What's not to love - she's gorgeous, funny and lives in Canada

 

[stickygirl]

Transgender day of remembrance

It's another 20th November and a chance to reflect on those whose lives have been cut short because they were trans. Don't erase us - we matter, and we want nothing more than to contribute to society. Peace love and hugs to all

https://66.media.tumblr.com/50e9b85de988ac18cbfe108d28f7c0a1/tumblr_phsc7kGoLd1qhlo5zo1_540.jpg

 

[naughtyinsilk]

Transgender Remembrance Day

It's another 20th November and a chance to reflect on those whose lives have been cut short because they were trans. Don't erase us - we matter, and we want nothing more than to contribute to society. Peace love and hugs to all

Peace, Love & Hugs to you too stickygirl

At least 368 Trans women and Trans men were murdered in the last year, and the sad truth is the total is much higher as many go unnoticed and unreported. No body should be killed just for being themselves, and no state should protect the killers.
We will remember them and we will carry on fighting to stop this unacceptable taking of beautful lives.

 

[stickygirl]

My famous friend!! I hope everything's good in your world

 

[naughtyinsilk]

My famous friend!! I hope everything's good in your world

famous rofl never gonna happen its more a case of " infamy, infamy they have all got it in for me

But life has been fun and interesting recently, I will never get rich, but there will be heaps of material for an interesting and outrageous obituary

This year enfemme I have been in 6 main stream movies, 3 music videos, appeared on stage in burlesque, onstage at a number of music festivals. I have also appeared on stage with the band Space performing the Cerys Mathhews part in the "ballad Of Tom Jones", and with Peter & The Test Tube Babies for the most outrageous ever performance of their hit "Transvestite" and at the 100 Club in London performing Bowies Queen Bitch as a guest. Not a bad haul for someone in their mid 50s.
The radio show is doing well too, lots of top bands coming on for interviews and play in session.

In fact I am now a leading text book example of what you can achieve without having any talent And I will carry on until they notice and stop me.

I do visit the forum regularly but more or less have stopped posting as since Etoile left, it has changed too much for me to feel that anything interesting to discuss has any space anymore, it just seems to get drowned out by repetitive photo threads that lack any orginal thought. Is that sounding too harsh?

Infact this thread of yours stands as an oasis of intelligent debate amongst it all, so well done for maintaining that against the tide, it is sorely needed.

I still cant get a date so some things dont change, but not much space in my life for romance anyway.

How is life treating you, have you found happiness?

 

[stickygirl]

Wow - that's quite a busy year and I'm so pleased for you Now I know someone notoriously famous so my bragging rights have defo improved. I don't know half those places but London's like a foreign country to me.

I'm getting mildly dolled up for a night on the town.... it's a works do, but then a bunch of us are clubbing once we've worn out the old people ( though some of them can do the distance too ) Actually it's the ones with babysitters that leave early - one of them stupidly drunk, the other smiling bravely. So I may get lucky huh? These days it's confusing because I don't judge on gender so ones mental tick list is too long. As you'll have gathered I'm single again but in no rush for a Christmas fling and all that entails.

I'm still working up north, still on fixed contract but that's how it is. Ok, bath is run - I'll PM you soon but lovely to hear from you xxxx

Yes, the LGBT has changed: not enough conversations and too much 'Oo my' and 'I could **** that' but then I don't feel so ...dependent on having Lit as I once did. Sounds like you're same

 

[timreh]

I find dating as trans to be rather difficult. Maybe it's where I live? Maybe it's because I'm not interested in simply being a trophy or a quickie shag?


Most of all I miss cuddling as I fall asleep.

 

[stickygirl]

I find dating as trans to be rather difficult. Maybe it's where I live? Maybe it's because I'm not interested in simply being a trophy or a quickie shag?


Most of all I miss cuddling as I fall asleep.

I feel ya Timreh. I never used to have much problem dating because I never dated! I've never been a very sexual person, although I used to kid around on the threads here when I first posted. I find it very hard to trust people enough to become sexually attracted to them and that's especially difficult being trans, as you know.
I'm often blind to flirting so any relationships I've had have grown from affection and respect. A lot of potential dates are impatient for the sex bit, so they get bored and move on. Buy a guitar, adopt a cat and get used to being on your own.
Come over one weekend and we can cuddle x

 

[yukonnights]

I feel ya Timreh. I never used to have much problem dating because I never dated! I've never been a very sexual person, although I used to kid around on the threads here when I first posted. I find it very hard to trust people enough to become sexually attracted to them and that's especially difficult being trans, as you know.
I'm often blind to flirting so any relationships I've had have grown from affection and respect. A lot of potential dates are impatient for the sex bit, so they get bored and move on. Buy a guitar, adopt a cat and get used to being on your own.
Come over one weekend and we can cuddle x

Hi sg ~ This sort of surprised me. But I also keep pretty private on open forums like this. So, feel free to not answer this is it's too personal. Knowing you, I suspect you have pondered the reasons you find it hard to trust people? I guess, to be more specific and relevant to your thread; Is that lack of trust a part of your innate personality...or is it related more to being trans and some of the things you've faced for that?

In regard to difficulty in being sexually attracted to someone; I share this trait. I was often confused when I was younger about why "casual sex" never worked for me. Finally I ran across the information about 'demi-sexuality' which fit me like a glove. I have to have an emotional connection before a true sexual attraction can occur...and for a lot of people, that's not what they want. Just knowing this has helped me to both understand and accept myself more. Maybe by putting this here, someone will see it who needs it.

PS: I already have a guitar...and a dog

 

[timreh]

I feel ya Timreh. I never used to have much problem dating because I never dated! I've never been a very sexual person, although I used to kid around on the threads here when I first posted. I find it very hard to trust people enough to become sexually attracted to them and that's especially difficult being trans, as you know.
I'm often blind to flirting so any relationships I've had have grown from affection and respect. A lot of potential dates are impatient for the sex bit, so they get bored and move on. Buy a guitar, adopt a cat and get used to being on your own.
Come over one weekend and we can cuddle x

:: heart ::

Yup, trust … it is a topic my therapist and I have been working on for quite some time. Instead of dating, or looking for dating opportunities I indulge myself by doing advocacy work for various disenfranchised communities. I can't play a guitar, and having a dog isn't an option right now, but I am used to being on my own.


Iff'n I knew where to find you, I would definitely think about pizza, conversation, and maybe a cuddle.

 

[stickygirl]

I don't suppose my perspective is much different to any trans woman from the pov of trust, because we rely on other people's discretion to make it through life without being bullied and harassed: particularly when we are early in our transition. Individuals can be kind and thoughtful, but people are not and an unguarded comment can be disastrous. From the moment someone dead-names you or pulls up a photo of how you used to look, people will default to whatever bigoted position they hold about transgender people..."You lied to me about who you were... blah blah blah"

When it comes to dating, it becomes even more complicated because you run up against people who are ashamed of their own sexuality, so they love dick but hate the person. Or you'll start dating someone who finds every excuse to avoid introducing you to their friends - that wears thin fast. I even met one person who was more of an expert (self-taught) on hormones and transitioning than me: not that I'm an expert, but I got to feel like something in a petri dish pretty fast.

When you're trans and you crave affection, or are simply looking for validation, then you're inclined to cut them slack - you forgive them for being shitty, because you want the simple human contact between people. Once you've opened to the door to that, then the potential for abuse is planted.

There's two ways to deal with being outed: you can be completely open about your status, which sounds great but then you become 'the transgender person who is an accountant/waitress/artist' or you think 'I don't want to be defined by my genitalia' so you push on with your life but get some asshole from your past send emails to your colleagues, or post stuff on their instagram.

So yea, trust is a thing.

Timreh, your advocacy work is really worthwhile and who knows, you may meet someone trustworthy from that?

 

[timreh]

Oh goodness.

Yeah, I am so tired of being "that trans chick" that gets called / emailed every time some cis person needs something. It is the downside of being openly known as an advocate for the trans / queer / homeless communities. I finally started drawing the line / cutting off certain people whose sole interactions with me came when they needed something.

Trust requires faith in the other person. I don't hand out trust willy-nilly. Trust is an earned commodity.

I had a visitor yesterday, a trans friend who was in the region due to the holiday. They were the first person to visit me this calendar year. Which clearly illustrates my lack of social life.

<wry chuckle>

 

[yukonnights]

I don't suppose my perspective is much different to any trans woman from the pov of trust, because we rely on other people's discretion to make it through life without being bullied and harassed: particularly when we are early in our transition. Individuals can be kind and thoughtful, but people are not and an unguarded comment can be disastrous. From the moment someone dead-names you or pulls up a photo of how you used to look, people will default to whatever bigoted position they hold about transgender people..."You lied to me about who you were... blah blah blah"

When it comes to dating, it becomes even more complicated because you run up against people who are ashamed of their own sexuality, so they love dick but hate the person. Or you'll start dating someone who finds every excuse to avoid introducing you to their friends - that wears thin fast. I even met one person who was more of an expert (self-taught) on hormones and transitioning than me: not that I'm an expert, but I got to feel like something in a petri dish pretty fast.

When you're trans and you crave affection, or are simply looking for validation, then you're inclined to cut them slack - you forgive them for being shitty, because you want the simple human contact between people. Once you've opened to the door to that, then the potential for abuse is planted.

There's two ways to deal with being outed: you can be completely open about your status, which sounds great but then you become 'the transgender person who is an accountant/waitress/artist' or you think 'I don't want to be defined by my genitalia' so you push on with your life but get some asshole from your past send emails to your colleagues, or post stuff on their instagram.

So yea, trust is a thing.

Timreh, your advocacy work is really worthwhile and who knows, you may meet someone trustworthy from that?

sg, Thank you for this deeper explanation. As I was reading, it dawned on me that a lot of what you describe is common to the majority of LGBTQ people. So, I'd like to imagine that the direction of the lack of trust is primarily toward those who have not yet accepted the rational understanding that LGBTQ people are "normal". We have all been cast as the "boogy-man"...or the "freak", for as long as I can remember. I think it's hard for many in that population to feel enough trust in others because of this.

Anyway, your answer helped me to look at my own "lack of trust" too...and yes, it is there. However, I've never had to really be too concerned because my situation is a little different. A big part of that difference is that I don't necessarily seek anyone new in my life (being an introvert also helps in that ). Also, the issue of transitioning so often strips one of the ability to remain camouflaged as "normal" in society...which is huge. Thank you for making me more aware. I know the hurdles trans folk face would be very difficult for me too. I think you know me well enough to believe me when I say; I hurt for you and wish there was some way to make it different... ~

Oh goodness.

Yeah, I am so tired of being "that trans chick" that gets called / emailed every time some cis person needs something. It is the downside of being openly known as an advocate for the trans / queer / homeless communities. I finally started drawing the line / cutting off certain people whose sole interactions with me came when they needed something.

Trust requires faith in the other person. I don't hand out trust willy-nilly. Trust is an earned commodity.

I had a visitor yesterday, a trans friend who was in the region due to the holiday. They were the first person to visit me this calendar year. Which clearly illustrates my lack of social life.

<wry chuckle>

timreh, Theirs a lot of wisdom in what you said above. I think we all have a primary obligation to our own well being first. Some folks just drain the energy within to a point we ourselves start going down hill. Sometimes one just has to eliminate some people from our life until they get their own act together enough to be helped. I've not made your acquaintance yet, but I empathize with your loneliness and hope that perfect friend will show up very soon,

 

[timreh]

I think we all have a primary obligation to our own well being first. Some folks just drain the energy within to a point we ourselves start going down hill. Sometimes one just has to eliminate some people from our life until they get their own act together enough to be helped. I've not made your acquaintance yet, but I empathize with your loneliness and hope that perfect friend will show up very soon,

I think that many of us who are LGBTQ+ move into some sort of advocacy / activism role in hopes of making things better / easier for others who are similar to ourselves. Being an advocate / activist / trouble maker means we are visible not only to our own community, but also to those not in the community. (One of the civic awards I've been given is actually made out to "The Blonde Instigator".)

I facilitate some peer support groups, and the pain that people bring to each meeting is so sad. The pain results in confusion, and sometimes anger, all because someone important / valuable in the person's life rejects or humiliates them just for being queer / trans / non-binary / etc.

No one who is right handed mocks left handed people these days. That wasn't true as recent as the 1960 era, but now being a leftie is perfectly fine.

That gives me some degree of hope that at some point trans and non-binary folks will be simply accepted as themselves.

Being alone is a deliberate action on my part. It is safer, less risky emotionally. I may wish I had a close friend, but those come with a cost, a demand for vulnerability. A close platonic friend or a close intimate friend, either would work. But the where I live the odds are slim of finding such a person, and then I'd have to start to trust them.

There's a local trans person I know who is young, wicked cute, has had GCS, and is totally passable. (I totally wish I looked like her.) She speaks of being in bed with the guy she was dating, and him telling her she'd never be a real enough woman in his eyes. She's in his bed, naked, giving herself to him, and he says that? How cruel and how very brutal of him. It crushed her. She was devastated. She's moved on from him, but the pain from that experience is still present in her daily life.

If taking care of ourselves means keeping ourselves physically safe, then isolation can work. If taking care of ourselves includes caring for our emotional needs, and the coincident desire to have a friend or lover, then things become more difficult.

For many folks, trans folks are simply fetishes to be checked off the bucket list. Being designated a fetish to be indulged doesn't offer the trans person much respect or courtesy.

I've had someone text me and tell me they wanted to date me. So we agreed to sit down and discuss what they were thinking. A couple of minutes into the chat they told me that the next day they were going to tell a certain group of LGBTQ+ social justice folks that we were dating.

Gee, let's see … they'd never actually asked me out, never held my hand, never gone on a movie / dinner / shopping date with me, never kissed me … never done anything that could remotely be construed as dating me. But they were going to tell people we were dating?

Yeah, I was the trans trophy they were going to use to show how hip they were. That was my role, that was my only value to them … to be an entry pass into the world of LGBTQ+. An entry pass that gave them, a cis / hetero / white / male credibility with a community they wanted status in.

Needless to say, the discussion ended rather quickly with him understanding we were not dating, and he sure as heck better not tell anyone we were.

Sorry for the long winded reply.

 

[stickygirl]

That's a difficult post for me to read Timreh, because much of it stirs memories for me. The only advocacy I've been involved with was through the student unions LGBT group, but these days I'm more on the sidelines helping with their admin. We have links to the city's LGBT centre, but there's a bit of friction/politics between them: different groups have different priorities.

I've become so used to being single, or rather being out of the dating game, that I seldom come across those problems first hand any more. It's a survival strategy that has become a second skin. I grew tired of seeing the same old reactions in people's eyes and having to continually justify myself ... it grinds you down, makes you bitter. So yes, I bugged out for my own sanity and quite a few of my friends live the same way, trying to stay off the radar. That's not say I've turned my back on it and I may do more in the future. You're doing amazing work, but don't forget yourself in there: you have to be strong yourself to help others too, so take care.

 

[yukonnights]

Again, A thank you to both of you for this meaningful conversation. The insensitivity, lack of sincerity and just general stupidity of many humans baffles me. I don't face the same hurdles as trans folks do, but even still...those kind of people drive me into choosing more solitude than social interaction. It was good to hear all of this, and even this conversation is advocacy for more enlightenment in the world.

 

[timreh]

I'm sorry SG, I didn't mean to cause you angst or pain by posting that stuff.

There was a peer group tonight, a group I started several years ago. I'd passed the torch to others to be the regular facilitators of it. I had decided tonight I would not attend as I wanted time for me and I wanted a break from certain bits of drama I knew would be present.

Today, due to a winter storm coming in, I got a text asking if I could facilitate tonight's meeting. I said I'd do it least the regular person have to do a long drive in a snowstorm / have the meeting cancelled. The self-care needs vs community needs just played out that way. There's never a perfect blend of balance to those conflicting needs.

Being alone is second nature to me. I'm good at it too. But if I submerge myself in recluse mode I have zero chance of meeting someone who might be compatible. Again, the conflicting needs issue arises.

This evening I got an email suggesting I apply for one of the full scholarships to a seven day intensive therapy sessions coming up in a couple of months. I read up on the event, and I can give up cigarettes for the week to comply with their zero nicotine policy. I can scrounge up the $600 in travel costs I'd have to cover. I can make the time available to go. I can handle their policy that once on the grounds of their facility I can't leave until the week is over.

But … do I, a gender queer, gender fluid, trans feminine person, really wish to go do a week long intensive with total strangers? Some of whom are sure to have an issue with the concept of transgender people. Is that self-care? Or is that setting myself up to be the petri dish for a less than enthusiastic band of folks?

There's no good answer.

They expect people to fly in, get picked up and driven to the facility. Part of me thinks maybe I'd go if I can drive there. It's only 1300 miles away. If I drove, if things turned sour with other attendees, at least I'd have the immediate option of packing up and driving away. In some ways that seems like a super wise idea, in other ways it seems like I'm planning my escape before I've even left home.

Again, there's no good perfect answer to this.

But what you and I know is this is what each of us deals with every single damned day. How do we function productively in modern society and yet maintain our sanity and safety?

 

[coati]

In fact I am now a leading text book example of what you can achieve without having any talent And I will carry on until they notice and stop me.

This humorous statement has been rattling around in my head since you made it. Surviving the slings and arrows of ignorance is indeed a cultivated talent.

 

[stickygirl]

This doesn't add to the discussion but having read through the paragraphs above, it sprang to mind and it's sufficiently ironic to make it past my keyboard. Last year I was diagnosed with what has been known as Asperger's but is more correctly called ASD. ASD is one of numerous types of autism and encompasses socialising issues, executive functioning, anxiety... blah blah.

Anyway, one of the classic reactions from people when you quietly disclose that you are ASD is "Oh well, we're all a bit on the spectrum really" at which one grits one's teeth and say nothing because we only think of replies two days later. Then I got to thinking: imagine if the same were true of being transgender or gay? You quietly disclose "Actually I am gay" to which the person waves a dismissive hand and says "Well, we're all a bit gay you know."

Isn't that weird?! I'd love people to accept me as transgender with a wave of the hand and 'no big deal' BUT on the other hand, I would like my ASD to be taken seriously.

I'll refer to the dear David Lynch for my reaction "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top"

 

[timreh]

This doesn't add to the discussion but having read through the paragraphs above, ...

Anyway, one of the classic reactions from people when you quietly disclose that you are ASD is "Oh well, we're all a bit on the spectrum really" at which one grits one's teeth and say nothing because we only think of replies two days later.

I think it definitely adds to the discussion. To me it reflects how people try to minimize their own discomfort and ignorance on a given topic. If they can lay claim to some small smidgeon of who we are, they can disavow any need to make space for us in their world. It absolves them of having to change, learn, grow.


:: heart ::

 

[yukonnights]

This doesn't add to the discussion but having read through the paragraphs above, it sprang to mind and it's sufficiently ironic to make it past my keyboard. Last year I was diagnosed with what has been known as Asperger's but is more correctly called ASD. ASD is one of numerous types of autism and encompasses socialising issues, executive functioning, anxiety... blah blah.

Anyway, one of the classic reactions from people when you quietly disclose that you are ASD is "Oh well, we're all a bit on the spectrum really" at which one grits one's teeth and say nothing because we only think of replies two days later. Then I got to thinking: imagine if the same were true of being transgender or gay? You quietly disclose "Actually I am gay" to which the person waves a dismissive hand and says "Well, we're all a bit gay you know."

Isn't that weird?! I'd love people to accept me as transgender with a wave of the hand and 'no big deal' BUT on the other hand, I would like my ASD to be taken seriously.

I'll refer to the dear David Lynch for my reaction "This whole world's wild at heart and weird on top"

I think it definitely adds to the discussion. To me it reflects how people try to minimize their own discomfort and ignorance on a given topic. If they can lay claim to some small smidgeon of who we are, they can disavow any need to make space for us in their world. It absolves them of having to change, learn, grow.


:: heart ::

I don't really see it this way, timreh. Although, I've never heard anyone saying, " Everyone is on the spectrum. " in regard to ASD...the simple fact they know there is a spectrum indicates more understanding...which leads to more acceptance. I view this reaction as more of a way of trying to be supportive and a way of saying, 'don't worry about it', etc. And in fact, we are all on the human spectrum which means we're all unique in virtually every way. I would much prefer to view this type of reaction in that way than to automatically assume they are disavowing me, etc.

I would also much rather all people would understand and accept that every human is someplace on the spectrum of human gender/sexuality...emotional/mental spectrum...physical spectrum...every spectrum. No point on that is more, or less, valid and wonderful than any other. I would see that as the final acceptance of every person's right to be who they are, not an attempt to disavow or deny me of those things. (In fact, I see society inching toward such an understanding. And if we don't destroy ourselves and the Earth first, it will be a realty that most people will have such an understanding.)

Until that day comes; Those who claim wisdom must tolerate ignorance with grace, lest they too fall back into the darkness...

 

[timreh]

I don't really see it this way, timreh. Although, I've never heard anyone saying, " Everyone is on the spectrum. " in regard to ASD...the simple fact they know there is a spectrum indicates more understanding...which leads to more acceptance. I view this reaction as more of a way of trying to be supportive and a way of saying, 'don't worry about it', etc. And in fact, we are all on the human spectrum which means we're all unique in virtually every way. I would much prefer to view this type of reaction in that way than to automatically assume they are disavowing me, etc.

I would also much rather all people would understand and accept that every human is someplace on the spectrum of human gender/sexuality...emotional/mental spectrum...physical spectrum...every spectrum. No point on that is more, or less, valid and wonderful than any other. I would see that as the final acceptance of every person's right to be who they are, not an attempt to disavow or deny me of those things. (In fact, I see society inching toward such an understanding. And if we don't destroy ourselves and the Earth first, it will be a realty that most people will have such an understanding.)

Until that day comes; Those who claim wisdom must tolerate ignorance with grace, lest they too fall back into the darkness...

Interesting.

I think you and I are closer in our viewpoints than one might think. Our differences may be our respective experiences of how people express support and their underlying motives?