Happily Married But Sexless-- Anyone Else

[kkimball]

Hi, I'm happily married. I love my spouse, my family, my friends my life. But my spouse has a very low libido and I don't. I crave physical attention they don't. I'm sure some other people have/are experiencing this.

It's so frustrating and painful for so many reasons. For one thing, there's nothing wrong with my spouse, it's just how they are and I accept that. We've discussed it in depth and they've done their best but at the end of the day, they don't really want to touch as much as I do and obviously it's not very satisfying if their heart isn't in it, even if they mean well and want to do something for you simply out of love.

So, you don't want to beat the dead horse and make your spouse feel like shit by going over a problem for which there is no good solution. Like I said, it's not a question of fault just a conflict of desires. It's tough to "get it out" because people look at you like you're a pig of immature for complaining that you "don't get enough sex"-- like it isn't a basic element of the human experience.

I've been told they wouldn't begrudge me for having a sexual relationship out of the marriage, but that feels impossible too. Understanding that I have limited time and resources, and an unwillingness to use prostitutes both because of the expense and the potential risks-- who the hell is going to want to have sex with someone who doesn't have much relationship potential and isn't even going to be their first priority? I'm not unattractive, but not hot, not poor but certainly not wealthy-- I don't see why anyone would want to have a casual sexual experience with me.

Honestly, when I read a couple years ago that some people are working as "professional cuddlers" in some of the big cities I thought, "god damn, I'd pay for that" or hell, I'd BE a professional cuddler (I mean it doesn't have to be sex, I just want more physical closeness). It makes me feel kind of small and ugly and worthless and I barely talk to anyone about it.

Cyber/Sexting, chat and phone/video is nice but it seems really difficult to find reliable people that are available enough. I'm done whining now, but on the chance that others here are experiencing similar struggles I wanted to share mine and perhaps offer a venue to express yourself. Sometimes just putting it into words makes the struggle easier to cope with.

Obviously, PM if you'd like to talk to me more about this subject.

 

[StillSexy12]

I feel your pain!

I'm older than you but could have written your post myself! When the wife and I first got together, and for many years after, we thoroughly enjoyed close body contact and LOTS of sex, then it seems like one day it just stopped. I completely understand how a woman's body changes and desires change for sex but the closeness? Just warm skin to skin contact means so much....it doesn't always have to lead to sex!

 

[kkimball]

Thanks StillSexy it's good to hear from others who cope/have coped with the same frustration.

 

[perchance]

I'm in a very similar situation. It hurts and I'm never sure what to do. She, however, would not accept me finding contact elsewhere. I feel like a shell of who I really am.

 

[Vman55]

TBH I would not be happily married if there was no sex life. Maybe its my personality but I would't deal with that unless there was a physical issue she was having to overcome. If the situation was extreme I would move on, life is too short. Now, this is my opinion of myself and wouldn't want to influence someone else.

 

[ThirdShift]

TBH I would not be happily married if there was no sex life. Maybe its my personality but I would't deal with that unless there was a physical issue she was having to overcome. If the situation was extreme I would move on, life is too short. Now, this is my opinion of myself and wouldn't want to influence someone else.

Children might be involved. Regardless the writer said he was happily married except for one area of the marriage.

Not really sure what the point of the comment/opinion is. Why mention it if you didn’t in some way think it might influence?

 

[Vman55]

Children might be involved. Regardless the writer said he was happily married except for one area of the marriage.

Not really sure what the point of the comment/opinion is. Why mention it if you didn’t in some way think it might influence?

I didnt want to force my opinion on them. Its a tough place to be because I was once there myself.

 

[txgent101]

Oxymoron

My first reaction to the thread title is that is an inherent oxymoron: 'happily married' and 'sexless' should not be in the same sentence. Others' comments are apropos and helpful, but that was my first thought.

Having been divorced many years now, I remember those sexless while married years. Call that SWMY. Those years were before the internet and there was little recourse such as one might have today with Tumblr and Literotica.

Yes, a lot of reasons for staying; children, reputation, fear of divorce trauma, religious stance. One adopts a mindset that 'it isn't so bad' or 'count your blessings', whatever. And we were (relatively) good civil partners for each other.

Life.

 

[MrLonely1]

I'm in a very similar situation. It hurts and I'm never sure what to do. She, however, would not accept me finding contact elsewhere. I feel like a shell of who I really am.

Yep I totally feel the same way. I married a great woman, she put up with me through allot of rough years. Now times have changed, I’m stable now, make a descent living, and I’m not the intolerable shit i used to be. Kids are grown, though one still lives at home and we should be spending more time together. She tells me all the time that she loves me and is the luckiest girl to have me. However there is no sex, maybe twice a year, and her idea of cuddling is stacking 4 pillows in my lap and laying her head on them to where I’m basically jammed into the corner of the couch and smothered with pillows.

I want to get out and do things but all she does is sit on the couch with her iPad and play games and nap. She naps so much that she’s hardly even in the bed with me, and she’s worn the color off a 3year old LazyBoy couch. She has grown to almost 300 pounds, and I’ve grown to 250. She no longer finds me attractive.

She checks my phone, follows me on find my iPhone when I’m out but says she trusts me. Just a ton of mixed messages. I too am a shell of who I once was. I want to get back into shape and enjoy the rest of my life, but she just wants to sit and play her iPad.

I literally don’t know what to do. I I did leave, who’d want me? I’m overweight and pushing 50. I used to be able to get a date pretty easily, now I gross people out.

Maybe I’m just destined to be miserable and alone.

 

[Mrbluejeans9999]

Well....

Start by losing weight for yourself, not her. A heart attack or a stroke is not what you want. Find things to do together, like walks or hikes, or healthy cooking....and as far as gettimg her off the Ipad? Find out where the cable comes into the house and unscrew it a bit..turns off the TV and the wifi. BUT DEF LOSE WEIGHT...joim a gym, lots of eye candy to look at, make some mental deposits in the spank bank. Shes tracking you? Where are you? In the gym...come join me.
Give that a shot.

 

[kkimball]

Yes, while I understand that for some people a dramatic decrease in sex or physical contact might be enough to ruin their overall satisfaction with the relationship-- those aren't the folks I was appealing to in this thread, Vman.

Marriages are fairly unique to the individuals and very complicated. I do love my partner very much and we are a terrific team in most things, however, in this one important aspect of our lives we have diverged. It's an important one but so are many other elements of a marriage and any of them can change, ebb and flo so no I don't consider myself unhappily married-- just very frustrated over a specific need.

 

[MrLonely1]

Well said.

 

[Pawleys16]

Yes, while I understand that for some people a dramatic decrease in sex or physical contact might be enough to ruin their overall satisfaction with the relationship-- those aren't the folks I was appealing to in this thread, Vman.

Marriages are fairly unique to the individuals and very complicated. I do love my partner very much and we are a terrific team in most things, however, in this one important aspect of our lives we have diverged. It's an important one but so are many other elements of a marriage and any of them can change, ebb and flo so no I don't consider myself unhappily married-- just very frustrated over a specific need.

Got it and totally understand and agree. There are many of us out here.

 

[thms1984]

I was having a similar discussion with my Mrs recently.

She is not interested in sex anymore - we are in our early 30s but ever since our child came along, sex more or less stopped overnight. Once every 6 months is what we manage where as it used to be 5-6 times a week beforehand.

My Mrs has also said she does not mind me going elsewhere but I can not bring myself to pay for it and I am not looking for a relationship or a one night stand, more a FWB but at 30odd, I am pretty sure those went out the window around 10 years ago before I officially became old (according to my younger brother).

It is confusing isnt it. On the one hand you have permission but on the other it still feels wrong to some extent. Although I am sure for those 2 minutes (for you lucky ladies out there ) I would be fine with it... thats a joke by the way...its more like 90 seconds.

 

[Vman55]

Yes, while I understand that for some people a dramatic decrease in sex or physical contact might be enough to ruin their overall satisfaction with the relationship-- those aren't the folks I was appealing to in this thread, Vman.

Marriages are fairly unique to the individuals and very complicated. I do love my partner very much and we are a terrific team in most things, however, in this one important aspect of our lives we have diverged. It's an important one but so are many other elements of a marriage and any of them can change, ebb and flo so no I don't consider myself unhappily married-- just very frustrated over a specific need.

Well stated. I understand.

 

[dannyboy1958]

sexless marraige

When relationships are young, sex is always high on the agenda, it does fade but its up to you to try everything you can to improve your chances with your loved one. Woo her, court her, date her, do all the things that you used to, i think someone said loose weight show her that you are really trying to change.
My wife had cancer - the treatment that followed killed her labido to the point you cant imagine. But as time goes by , we improve, day by day, slowly.
Sometime there no sex for 4 or 6 weeks, other times three over one weekend.
Stick with it and try, looking elsewhere, never works, someone somewhere will get hurt. It will be worth it and will work out if you just keep believing.

 

[txgent101]

No Women Posts Yet?

Interesting, as of 17 posts, none of them are by women. I wonder if there any/many (female) wives who feel the same way about the sexless marriage. Will watch to see if any do post....

 

[The_gladiator]

I deal with a similar issue. We are in couples counseling now, hopefully that will help. I envy those that have permission from theirs to seek solace elsewhere. I wish she could see that adding another partner wouldn't change how I feel about her for me, though, that's just me.

 

[AllMyDreams]

In a very similar situation. Adore my wife, but we have very different libidos. I freely admit that I think about sex constantly, have had a rich and varied sexual history, and fantasise about people of all genders. Honestly, if I could have affairs and get away with it, I would. I would be safe, of course, and never prioritise a fuckbuddy over anything to do with my wife at any point. She is the most wonderful thing in my life. I just wish I could have an outlet for this side of me! But, sadly, there's nothing to be done. And if it's a choice between being kind of sexually frustrated and losing her altogether, I'll go for the former every time.

But you're definitely not alone, man!

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Interesting, as of 17 posts, none of them are by women. I wonder if there any/many (female) wives who feel the same way about the sexless marriage. Will watch to see if any do post....

There are a few, but they usually don't like being bombarded by pms as soon as they appear. These threads are good, but I understand why women avoid them.

 

[newhere2learn]

Signing up

Together a decade, married half of that, kids.

First 3-5 years she was rampant. Next couple, moderate..last 3 years, twice a year is fine for her.

Since the birth of our youngest, cuddles/kisses/sharing a bed are rare.


Marriage is fine, but the complete lack of libido and intimacy is killing me.



I can understand why some European cultures are open to being married with a mistress.

 

[Polranny]

Lit really helps, I have found a soulmate

 

[KUJACK]

sigh

Even on vacation and beautiful the island of Aruba been here two days and no sex my wife is sleeping and I'm frustrated

 

[passionatewife]

I think marriage is different and unique to every one involved. Having said that, I will never be happy in my marriage because it is a sexless one. I don't truly understand how anyone could be. It is such a huge part of the connection for me, that intimacy. Not only sexual intimacy. Intimacy in all areas of our relationship. We are great friends, but that's it. He is in denial that theres a major problem even though I've talked with him about it many, many times over 16 years. I've been celibate now for 3 or 4 years because he is impotent. He has no major health problems but he has major psychological hangups when it comes to sex and I have finally reached my limit. My patience has run out. And he is in no way open to the idea of me finding it elsewhere. We have two kids together and that's why I'm still here, although I question myself everyday if that's the right decision. I guess my point is that I hear people tell me that they are completely happy in their marriage except for the lack of sex, but if that's true then why is it even an issue for discussion? I truly want to understand it.

 

[Booboobear84]

Yep I totally feel the same way. I married a great woman, she put up with me through allot of rough years. Now times have changed, I’m stable now, make a descent living, and I’m not the intolerable shit i used to be. Kids are grown, though one still lives at home and we should be spending more time together. She tells me all the time that she loves me and is the luckiest girl to have me. However there is no sex, maybe twice a year, and her idea of cuddling is stacking 4 pillows in my lap and laying her head on them to where I’m basically jammed into the corner of the couch and smothered with pillows.

I want to get out and do things but all she does is sit on the couch with her iPad and play games and nap. She naps so much that she’s hardly even in the bed with me, and she’s worn the color off a 3year old LazyBoy couch. She has grown to almost 300 pounds, and I’ve grown to 250. She no longer finds me attractive.

She checks my phone, follows me on find my iPhone when I’m out but says she trusts me. Just a ton of mixed messages. I too am a shell of who I once was. I want to get back into shape and enjoy the rest of my life, but she just wants to sit and play her iPad.

I literally don’t know what to do. I I did leave, who’d want me? I’m overweight and pushing 50. I used to be able to get a date pretty easily, now I gross people out.

Maybe I’m just destined to be miserable and alone.

Weight loss is a challenge but I want to give you hope and my recent experience. Last year I decided I wanted to permanently lose weight. First thing nothing in the plan could be unsuitable. For me effectively no soda, fewer carbs, more fruit and vegetables but only stuff I like. Second thing is I walk, a lot. I walk a mile in the morning, 15 minutes after lunch and an hour in the evening. Also once dinner is over that’s it for food until breakfast. I lost 2 pounds a month for a year which brought me below 160. Since you’re larger you might drop 3 a month. One final tip weigh yourself every day. Not to see what you lost but to see trends so you don’t fool yourself. If you want more let me know. It can be done. Note I am older than you are.