BDSM, Marriage, and Cheating

[thehaircutgirl]

i have a female friend who enjoys the bdsm lifestyle. she goes to big conventions and small basement parties alike. she met a married man at a party and he's also into the lifestyle but his wife is not. she's a predator and goes after what she wants without thinking of consequences so of course, she's now fucking him.

here's where i get involved. the man is, coincidentally, a friend of a friend and i know the whole situation. my friend is a bigger woman with self-esteem issues and in & out of poor health including stress and anxiety. she's an unstable woman in therapy and taking tons of medication to basically numb the pain. the married man she's seeing will never leave his wife no matter what he tells my friend. she claims to like the "lifestyle" but i'm starting to think she's just nuts and uses sex to fill the hole left by being overweight and being a divorcee. i think she's afraid of becoming "the old cat lady".

what are your thoughts on me sitting with my friend and knowing what i know, try to gingerly tell her she's making yet another mistake in a mistake-filled life? i don't want to crush her but she gives zero fucks about anyone in her destructive path.

as i'm typing this, i'm realizing more and more that she has done this before to other married women and starting to think she needs to be told the truth about her hurting others in order to make herself feel better. and then not talk to her until she becomes more respectful of other women.

the irony of her being a "feminist" makes me sick!

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

i have a female friend who enjoys the bdsm lifestyle. she goes to big conventions and small basement parties alike. she met a married man at a party and he's also into the lifestyle but his wife is not. she's a predator and goes after what she wants without thinking of consequences so of course, she's now fucking him.

here's where i get involved. the man is, coincidentally, a friend of a friend and i know the whole situation. my friend is a bigger woman with self-esteem issues and in & out of poor health including stress and anxiety. she's an unstable woman in therapy and taking tons of medication to basically numb the pain. the married man she's seeing will never leave his wife no matter what he tells my friend. she claims to like the "lifestyle" but i'm starting to think she's just nuts and uses sex to fill the hole left by being overweight and being a divorcee. i think she's afraid of becoming "the old cat lady".

what are your thoughts on me sitting with my friend and knowing what i know, try to gingerly tell her she's making yet another mistake in a mistake-filled life? i don't want to crush her but she gives zero fucks about anyone in her destructive path.

as i'm typing this, i'm realizing more and more that she has done this before to other married women and starting to think she needs to be told the truth about her hurting others in order to make herself feel better. and then not talk to her until she becomes more respectful of other women.

the irony of her being a "feminist" makes me sick!

I'd say slap the shit out of her but she would probably just enjoy it.

 

[lovetoread]

unless you are one of the people involved, you dont know shit

 

[thehaircutgirl]

I'd say slap the shit out of her but she would probably just enjoy it.

no doubt!

unless you are one of the people involved, you dont know shit

that's why i'm asking for help but if you're not going to be constructive or entertaining please go away.

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

no doubt!




that's why i'm asking for help but if you're not going to be constructive or entertaining please go away.

LTR enjoys being slapped around. She's like "I don't see a problem here".

 

[von_Bismarck]

I've never been in a position to counsel a friend on their relationships in this way, so I'm going to be of limited help. In my opinion, this thread is already instructive that if you ask five different people for their opinion, you'll hear at least five opinions. Counseling a friend I think is highly contextual, and it perhaps comes down to the personalities involved. There might be no better answer than to act according to your heart, as long as you're confident your decision is coming from a place of genuine concern and principle.

 

[SissySalina]

i have a female friend who enjoys the bdsm lifestyle. she goes to big conventions and small basement parties alike. she met a married man at a party and he's also into the lifestyle but his wife is not. she's a predator and goes after what she wants without thinking of consequences so of course, she's now fucking him.

here's where i get involved. the man is, coincidentally, a friend of a friend and i know the whole situation. my friend is a bigger woman with self-esteem issues and in & out of poor health including stress and anxiety. she's an unstable woman in therapy and taking tons of medication to basically numb the pain. the married man she's seeing will never leave his wife no matter what he tells my friend. she claims to like the "lifestyle" but i'm starting to think she's just nuts and uses sex to fill the hole left by being overweight and being a divorcee. i think she's afraid of becoming "the old cat lady".

what are your thoughts on me sitting with my friend and knowing what i know, try to gingerly tell her she's making yet another mistake in a mistake-filled life? i don't want to crush her but she gives zero fucks about anyone in her destructive path.

as i'm typing this, i'm realizing more and more that she has done this before to other married women and starting to think she needs to be told the truth about her hurting others in order to make herself feel better. and then not talk to her until she becomes more respectful of other women.

the irony of her being a "feminist" makes me sick!

First take this with a grain of salt and a doctor's appointment.
sissy likes truth and it sounds like your friend probably will not listen and just get mad at you. You would do better talking to him instead.
Remember that it sounds that being the way she is that if you confront her all that will happen is she gets mad at you, consider if loosing her is worth it.
This has been a sissy opinion, take it for what you think it is worth.

 

[Libsam]

I have a dumb whore, divorced x2, girlfriend- except she is beautiful and thin. She has an eating disorder, which is its own tragic story.

It doesn't matter how much awesome advice I give her, she never listens. I think she only asks for advice because she is feeling attention deprived, and she knows I will be there for her, so I'm like her last refuge of attention whoredom.

Over the years of giving advice, she has learned how I think and feel. Now she treats me like a problem child treats their parents. She lies to me and hides her activities, until she needs me and then the truth comes out.

 

[schism666]

most fat women are miserable and looking for attention of any sort. they tend to behave like children acting out for attention. some turn to this "lifestyle" because the men find them easy targets for their own perversions without considering the feelings of the big girl. it's not surprising that your friend finds comfort in fucking a married man as she now feels like he chose her over his vanilla wife. in reality, he's just practicing his own skills until he finds a more finely tuned woman to be with. most likely he'll go back to his wife after abusing, using, and discarding your friend.

 

[bestone4ever]

I have a dumb whore, divorced x2, girlfriend- except she is beautiful and thin. She has an eating disorder, which is its own tragic story.

It doesn't matter how much awesome advice I give her, she never listens. I think she only asks for advice because she is feeling attention deprived, and she knows I will be there for her, so I'm like her last refuge of attention whoredom.

Over the years of giving advice, she has learned how I think and feel. Now she treats me like a problem child treats their parents. She lies to me and hides her activities, until she needs me and then the truth comes out.

most fat women are miserable and looking for attention of any sort. they tend to behave like children acting out for attention. some turn to this "lifestyle" because the men find them easy targets for their own perversions without considering the feelings of the big girl. it's not surprising that your friend finds comfort in fucking a married man as she now feels like he chose her over his vanilla wife. in reality, he's just practicing his own skills until he finds a more finely tuned woman to be with. most likely he'll go back to his wife after abusing, using, and discarding your friend.

Most of this. Fatties are built to take a beating and their pain threshold is amazing! I only dated a fatty once but she loved the rough stuff as hard as possible. Costumes, fat anal plugs, cuffs, and restraints. It was fun but I ain't taking her home to meet mom, that's for sure.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

i have a female friend who enjoys the bdsm lifestyle. she goes to big conventions and small basement parties alike. she met a married man at a party and he's also into the lifestyle but his wife is not. she's a predator and goes after what she wants without thinking of consequences so of course, she's now fucking him.

here's where i get involved. the man is, coincidentally, a friend of a friend and i know the whole situation. my friend is a bigger woman with self-esteem issues and in & out of poor health including stress and anxiety. she's an unstable woman in therapy and taking tons of medication to basically numb the pain. the married man she's seeing will never leave his wife no matter what he tells my friend. she claims to like the "lifestyle" but i'm starting to think she's just nuts and uses sex to fill the hole left by being overweight and being a divorcee. i think she's afraid of becoming "the old cat lady".

what are your thoughts on me sitting with my friend and knowing what i know, try to gingerly tell her she's making yet another mistake in a mistake-filled life? i don't want to crush her but she gives zero fucks about anyone in her destructive path.

as i'm typing this, i'm realizing more and more that she has done this before to other married women and starting to think she needs to be told the truth about her hurting others in order to make herself feel better. and then not talk to her until she becomes more respectful of other women.

the irony of her being a "feminist" makes me sick!

1) Your friend is a functional adult woman fulfilling her sexual needs in her own way. Until she starts razor blading her arms and thighs for fun, I’d sit this one out.

2) She’s not hurting married women by being predatory. The husbands are choosing to sleep with her all by themselves. Don’t excuse them motherfuckers, they coukd walk away if they wanted to. Sit that one out, too.

3) Bottom line is that if her lifestyle is unhealhy for her in whatever regard, she’s gonna have to learn her lessons the hard way, like most of us do. Only you can say how deep this friendship really is. Be there for her when she decides to fix things and needs your help. Also be prepared to cut her off when her shit becomes your shit and it’s the shit you didn’t ask for.

 

[Super-Surprise]

Give her a new haircut rather than any advice.

 

[FGB]

I have talked with and to dozens of people with destructive lifestyles and habits.

Some died by their own hand and some by others...thankfully the vast majority were able to go on to live good enjoyable lives.

What we see on the surface of a person personality usually is symptom of other harder to deal with, deeper issues.

After hitting rock bottom...

I noticed certain things about the winners. (I am one of them by the way.)

They realized they had problems that they could not recognize the full range or depth...never mind what they all were!

Were pretty much clueless about how to straighten themselves out, but once they were put on a path that worked for them...well there was no stopping them from improving because they were willing to put it all on the line I am talking People, Places and Things.

 

[Scareltt]

This is a tough one.

i have a female friend who enjoys the bdsm lifestyle. she goes to big conventions and small basement parties alike. she met a married man at a party and he's also into the lifestyle but his wife is not. she's a predator and goes after what she wants without thinking of consequences so of course, she's now fucking him.

here's where i get involved. the man is, coincidentally, a friend of a friend and i know the whole situation. my friend is a bigger woman with self-esteem issues and in & out of poor health including stress and anxiety. she's an unstable woman in therapy and taking tons of medication to basically numb the pain. the married man she's seeing will never leave his wife no matter what he tells my friend. she claims to like the "lifestyle" but i'm starting to think she's just nuts and uses sex to fill the hole left by being overweight and being a divorcee. i think she's afraid of becoming "the old cat lady".

what are your thoughts on me sitting with my friend and knowing what i know, try to gingerly tell her she's making yet another mistake in a mistake-filled life? i don't want to crush her but she gives zero fucks about anyone in her destructive path.

as i'm typing this, i'm realizing more and more that she has done this before to other married women and starting to think she needs to be told the truth about her hurting others in order to make herself feel better. and then not talk to her until she becomes more respectful of other women.

the irony of her being a "feminist" makes me sick!

My first thought is a good friend would do this... then a good friend would do this.. neither would have been good advice.

I think the root of the problem is her depression. Unfortunately that’s one of the hardest things to fix.

Also, I don’t know you, or anyone involved. So forget about the gain of salt, get the shaker.

I think it’s the depression meds that led her to bdsm or “the lifestyle.” She wants to feel something and what she gets out of bdsm may help fill that void. Or maybe she enjoys it.

If your friend gets that she is having fun with a married dude and this relationship will end. If she can have fun and enjoy the sex and bdsm for just what it is she should be fine.

I also think if someone is really in any lifestyle his wife should know all about it. I feel like the husband in this case is just a dishonest dude. Be it bdsm, or whatever. However that’s a totally different problem.

I guess it comes down to this.. remember what I said about salt.

You can ge the bad girl now, and try to tell her. You may lose the friend.

You could just sit back and wait. Then be there for your friend when the guy does what you expect.

I wish I had better advice or more time to give it..

 

[runsilent]

One more vote for leaving it alone. I am sure at one point or another she has thought of everything you mentioned and went ahead anyway. If you decide to straighten her out you will become the problem.

I will say if she somehow wants you to be involved it would be fine to tell her to leave you out of it.

 

[Bookishleigh]

This might sound harsh, but maybe you need to remove yourself from the equation. Zumi is absolutely correct that it takes two to tango. Just from what I've read, you seem to have assigned the majority of the blame on your friend and yet given the husband a free pass. You went so far as to call her a predator. That's a pretty harsh word.

But if you really are her friend, maybe you should just tell her you don't agree with the actions she is taking and don't feel you can offer her the support she needs or is looking for at this time. You can let her know that if/when it all falls apart and she's left hurt you will be there for her.

At some point, you just have to let people do their own things. I get cheating hurts the spouse/partner who is in the dark. My issue with it is cheating partners open others in the relationships to health risks they don't know about. Condoms don't provide protection from everything, and some men just refuse to wear them - especially if they've had a vasectomy. But I would put money down that if dear husband wasn't cheating with your friend, he would be cheating with someone else.

 

[bellisarius]

1) Your friend is a functional adult woman fulfilling her sexual needs in her own way. Until she starts razor blading her arms and thighs for fun, I’d sit this one out.

2) She’s not hurting married women by being predatory. The husbands are choosing to sleep with her all by themselves. Don’t excuse them motherfuckers, they coukd walk away if they wanted to. Sit that one out, too.

3) Bottom line is that if her lifestyle is unhealhy for her in whatever regard, she’s gonna have to learn her lessons the hard way, like most of us do. Only you can say how deep this friendship really is. Be there for her when she decides to fix things and needs your help. Also be prepared to cut her off when her shit becomes your shit and it’s the shit you didn’t ask for.

One more vote for leaving it alone. I am sure at one point or another she has thought of everything you mentioned and went ahead anyway. If you decide to straighten her out you will become the problem.

I will say if she somehow wants you to be involved it would be fine to tell her to leave you out of it.

I'm number three on the list of don't get in the middle of it. No matter how it turns out in the end you're going to be the "bad" guy. Even if she asks your advice, refer her to a disinterested third party professional.

From her perspective he's "candy" and you're trying to take it away. It doesn't matter that the "candy" is ultimately poison. She needs professional help and you can't give it to her.

 

[Ann_Tagonist]

Part of the responsibility of having a Friend is to attempt to help them regardless of the cost. Alternative: don't have friends.

 

[SelfTawt]

1) Your friend is a functional adult woman fulfilling her sexual needs in her own way. Until she starts razor blading her arms and thighs for fun, I’d sit this one out.

2) She’s not hurting married women by being predatory. The husbands are choosing to sleep with her all by themselves. Don’t excuse them motherfuckers, they coukd walk away if they wanted to. Sit that one out, too.

3) Bottom line is that if her lifestyle is unhealhy for her in whatever regard, she’s gonna have to learn her lessons the hard way, like most of us do. Only you can say how deep this friendship really is. Be there for her when she decides to fix things and needs your help. Also be prepared to cut her off when her shit becomes your shit and it’s the shit you didn’t ask for.

This^^^ ***Applauds the shit outta it***

 

[Pookie]

1) Your friend is a functional adult woman fulfilling her sexual needs in her own way. Until she starts razor blading her arms and thighs for fun, I’d sit this one out.

2) She’s not hurting married women by being predatory. The husbands are choosing to sleep with her all by themselves. Don’t excuse them motherfuckers, they coukd walk away if they wanted to. Sit that one out, too.

3) Bottom line is that if her lifestyle is unhealhy for her in whatever regard, she’s gonna have to learn her lessons the hard way, like most of us do. Only you can say how deep this friendship really is. Be there for her when she decides to fix things and needs your help. Also be prepared to cut her off when her shit becomes your shit and it’s the shit you didn’t ask for.

Ditto.

 

[Adre]

Dr. Zumi in da house. Hang out a shingle, man, that’s the winning advice.

 

[thehaircutgirl]

I have a dumb whore, divorced x2, girlfriend- except she is beautiful and thin. She has an eating disorder, which is its own tragic story.

It doesn't matter how much awesome advice I give her, she never listens. I think she only asks for advice because she is feeling attention deprived, and she knows I will be there for her, so I'm like her last refuge of attention whoredom.

Over the years of giving advice, she has learned how I think and feel. Now she treats me like a problem child treats their parents. She lies to me and hides her activities, until she needs me and then the truth comes out.

sounds a lot like my friend except for the beautiful thin part. she bounces around to anyone who will have her.

1) Your friend is a functional adult woman fulfilling her sexual needs in her own way. Until she starts razor blading her arms and thighs for fun, I’d sit this one out.

2) She’s not hurting married women by being predatory. The husbands are choosing to sleep with her all by themselves. Don’t excuse them motherfuckers, they coukd walk away if they wanted to. Sit that one out, too.

3) Bottom line is that if her lifestyle is unhealhy for her in whatever regard, she’s gonna have to learn her lessons the hard way, like most of us do. Only you can say how deep this friendship really is. Be there for her when she decides to fix things and needs your help. Also be prepared to cut her off when her shit becomes your shit and it’s the shit you didn’t ask for.

i get what you're saying and i thank you for your well thought out response.

This might sound harsh, but maybe you need to remove yourself from the equation. Zumi is absolutely correct that it takes two to tango. Just from what I've read, you seem to have assigned the majority of the blame on your friend and yet given the husband a free pass. You went so far as to call her a predator. That's a pretty harsh word.

But if you really are her friend, maybe you should just tell her you don't agree with the actions she is taking and don't feel you can offer her the support she needs or is looking for at this time. You can let her know that if/when it all falls apart and she's left hurt you will be there for her.

At some point, you just have to let people do their own things. I get cheating hurts the spouse/partner who is in the dark. My issue with it is cheating partners open others in the relationships to health risks they don't know about. Condoms don't provide protection from everything, and some men just refuse to wear them - especially if they've had a vasectomy. But I would put money down that if dear husband wasn't cheating with your friend, he would be cheating with someone else.

i called her a predator because of her behaving like this for years, not just this one situation. she's heavily medicated which i'm sure isn't helping her in the long run. she's also left at least 2 men at the altar and backed out of another marriage that i know of. and you're absolutely right about condom use and health risks but i honestly don't believe either of them care about the consequences.

 

[Bookishleigh]

i called her a predator because of her behaving like this for years, not just this one situation. she's heavily medicated which i'm sure isn't helping her in the long run. she's also left at least 2 men at the altar and backed out of another marriage that i know of. and you're absolutely right about condom use and health risks but i honestly don't believe either of them care about the consequences.

Bwahahaha! Well, add me to the predator list then. Heard next season on To Catch a Predator they are going to post half-priced bridal gowns on Craigslist and arrest anyone who shows up.

Btw, your comment in response to Libsam in which you say “sounds like my friend except the beautiful and thin part,” shows the truth. I think there is something beautiful about every friend I have. Maybe you’re having an off day or there is more to this story you are telling, but I would have to say from your comments, you are not her friend and she’s better off without your “support.”

 

[thehaircutgirl]

Bwahahaha! Well, add me to the predator list then. Heard next season on To Catch a Predator they are going to post half-priced bridal gowns on Craigslist and arrest anyone who shows up.

Btw, your comment in response to Libsam in which you say “sounds like my friend except the beautiful and thin part,” shows the truth. I think there is something beautiful about every friend I have. Maybe you’re having an off day or there is more to this story you are telling, but I would have to say from your comments, you are not her friend and she’s better off without your “support.”

not sure what is so funny about leaving your partner at the altar but i suppose that's how some people deal with their mistakes.

i'm not having an off day but i am certainly not happy with her right now. she's one to swallow the lies of the cheater. "i will leave my wife soon." 6 months later, she's still just a miserable side piece.

 

[BotanyBoy]

what are your thoughts on me sitting with my friend and knowing what i know, try to gingerly tell her she's making yet another mistake in a mistake-filled life?

You already know she doesn't care....said so yourself.

If I were you I'd mind my own bidniz as far as trying to influence her to make better choices, get all the gory details along the way just make sure you're standing well to the side and enjoy the shit show because it sounds like it's going to be a good one.

the irony of her being a "feminist" makes me sick!

The irony is on the part of feminism. Your destructive friend is doing exactly what feminism promotes....being a strong independent woman, doing what she wants, embracing her sexual hedonism, giving the rules and social customs of the evil white male patriarchy the finger.

https://media.giphy.com/media/NnGGHE0muVqpO/giphy.gif

How much you want to bet she'll be the TOTAL victim when she picks up some horrifying STD from "the lifestyle"??