Wedding advice

[Constance1v]

So my fiance and i have been engaged for about 8 months or so and we are in the early phases of planning our wedding. He's a guy and completely oblivious to weddings so he's trying to help but he doesn't fully get it, ya know. So i'm going to start this off by saying he's from scotland, beyond beautiful country btw. So our wedding will have much of Scottish tradition as well as my own--a happy medium on the traditions. Kilts, tartan, thistle, whisky, ect. The dress style i have always wanted to get married in is a bit cliche now that i'm marrying a Scotsman lol It's a medieval style with sleeves to elbow and drapes down in thin flowy material and a hood and yeah - it's beautiful! but would it be too cliche? Would it make our wedding look more like a ren fair than a traditional scottish wedding? There are thousands of beautiful dresses that i can choose from but i feel like i'm really hooked on this one style but i don't want to look like i'm "trying to hard" as my friend put it.

 

[PuckIt]

Well, I'll just say first and foremost I am a guy, too. Ya know. If my avatar didn't give it away. And, even worse, I'm a grumpy old coot. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Having said that, when Love and I jumped over the broomsticks, we were determined that we would do it our way and fuck if anybody else was going to have any say.

*sigh* Yeah, that lasted about five minutes until Mom figured out we wanted to just have a starlight sharing of vows in Mom's backyard with VERY few guests, and abso-fucking-lutely no registry or anything like that.


We'd already been living together for over a year, it was her second marriage, and neither of us saw any reason for all the usual folderol. We shared the belief that the marriage ceremony was little more than a confirmation of what we'd already been living together for a year, other than making some legal paperwork such as insurance a tad easier.


Well, Love did make her dress.


But, other than that, it was probably a good thing she was who she was because I am not turning into a grumpy old coot, I was born that way.


First, Mom was absolutely scandalized that we wanted to stand barefoot in the grass of her backyard while exchanging vows. That just wouldn't do at all, don't you know!

But, I put my foot down... both feet, actually... that we were not going to rent a church or the town hall or a ranch or a castle or any other fool thing Mom came up with. And eventually she got the point that not only did I not need it or want it, but neither did the woman who would be my bride.


So, yeah. My first piece of advice is to hold firm to what you fucking want, no matter what relative or friend tries to tell you what you should do. The day is supposed to be for you two. And spit in the eye of anyone that tells you differently.


Well, Hell. Except for Mom just couldn't understand that nature was important to us. The cathedral of the stars carpeted by lush grass was A Thing.


So, the next thing I know, I'm helping build some bastard cross between a deck and a gazebo. And, yeah, primarily because Love gave my leash a twitch and pointed out that I'd won the war, so it wouldn't really hurt to capitulate this battle.


And, yeah. That "deck-bo" is still standing 23 years later, even in West-by-God-Texas, because me and Mom both, if we are going to do something, do it right, damn it. Even if we had to be argued into it.


Only that wasn't enough. Nope, nope, nope. And let me just say here, there was a reason I'd learned to fight every battle down to the least and last. Because once the "deck-bo" was finished, I found myself making paving stones and laying out a double walkway to the damn thing.


Are you freaking kidding me?! We can't even walk through the grass to this lattice enclosed roofed deck?!


*sigh* And yeah, we changed my collar to a choke chain.


But, I got the walkway laid.


And then it came time for the registry, which I abso-fucking-lutely didn't want! And Love didn't want!


And, okay. I may have showed my ass by picking out the absolutely most expensive, useless, purely decorative items (however garish they were) to make my damn point. (Personally, I actually would have liked the six-foot velvet Elvis... or the cuckoo clock that was a dragon that breathed fire...but, whatever.)


At which point, Love staked me out in the backyard and took over, informing me that I was on vacation until I stood there and said, "I do."

Yeah, right.

However, at least Mom had the sense to work on Love and then send Love in to do battle with me. Although it took me awhile to work out that was what happened when I ended up singing twice during my own wedding. Once to her over the unity candle, and once a duet with my Little Sis before the bride came out.

And, let me just say here that Sis has some pipes. She can still to this day sing the birds out of the trees if she wanted to. But, ... I don't know. My vote was that if I was going to sing a duet at my own wedding, then it should be my bride singing the other part. Not Sis.

But, I got my nose whapped with a newspaper. So, I shut up and learned the songs.

I mean, it wasn't like there was going to be a big audience or anything. Because Love and I had been very specific that we wanted these ten people there and that was it.

I did, very firmly, draw the line at the rented monkey suit. But, Love had my back on that one. I did, however, let myself get talked into a linen suit from my closet instead of the Jams shorts, Hawaiian shirt, and splatter painted sunglasses I had been going to wear. I mean, hey. She went to all of the trouble of sewing her own wedding dress, a peach fairy tale concoction with poofy sleeves, since she hadn't gotten to for her first wedding. And I was determined she wasn't going to have a third shot at it. So, *shrug*. Sure. I could do the linen suit for her.


Only, fuck me! I showed up that night and Mom had gone apeshit. Relatives that I didn't want there were. There were thirty or forty in all as opposed to the ten Love and I okayed.

At which point, Love slapped a muzzle on me.

But, Holy shit! Mom had been busy. And apparently since she didn't need my strong back and quasi-engineering mind, she wasn't about to put up with my Grumpy ass saying no to turning her backyard into some kind of Eden with a mixture of live plants and high-quality fakes. Or stringing those damn mini-lights all over the "deck-bo."

What the everloving fuck, dude?! We had carefully plotted and planned and managed a clear night with a late moon rise specifically to have the stars be our lights. Fuck me!

And don't even get me started on the fountain she'd rented and place in front of the thing.

Somehow, and I'm not sure how, we got through the thing... complete with the preacher being handed a Bart Simpson keychain instead of the ring... and then me being kidnapped during our exit and driven around the block. (Payback for me doing the same at his wedding.)

*sigh*

Any road, we got through it without me boiling down any one's lifeless skull for a new ashtray. And embarked on our next set of memories. And, yeah. Alright. So, those memories were actually good ones. (Even if we didn't get what we originally plotted before other people got involved.)

I don't know, Constance1v. I guess my longwinded point boils down to two things.

1) This day is about you and he.
2) This day will be a memory. Not the first and not the last, but a significant one along your life path. And it should be one you are proud of, no matter how far back you look on it.

But, I'll shut my fool old Grumpy mouth and let someone else have the floor to clean up what I Pucked up.

Either way, best wishes for clear skies and the sun out of your eyes for a bright day.

 

[Jada59]

It's your wedding. Do what you want. Me? Two piece ivory colored suit (skirt and top) for $19.99 on clearance a pair of gold shoes, also on clearance and a hair accessory that I made from stuff at Michaels. We eloped. I can't see spending money on a wedding.

 

[HoneyBrunette]

If that is the style of dress you want. Then have it. To hell with everyone else.

I wanted to use vintage lace in my dress. It was black. And so beautiful (it was turned into a lace jacket that went over the dress - there was a lot of black lace). My grandparents were scandalised.
They got over it.
Guest list... mum wanted all my aunts uncles and cousins invited. We said no. Firmly. There was temporary upset. Mum got over it.

A wedding is a day, marriage lasts a lot longer... but that said, the day is about you and your partner. Not everyone else. So have a chat to your partner about the whole ren fair vibe! Perhaps a modern dress with the details you want wouldnt be so renaissance... but whatever. If you love it then you love it. And you wouldnt be the first to have a renaissance style wedding if thats the way you want it to go! You could play the whole thing up.
A wedding is a party at the end of the day. A fair bit of planning... but just a big party in the end. So have fun.

 

[SissySalina]

If you believe in tradition then:
The wedding is for Her and the wedding night is for Him. or
If He is smart He will give Her what She wants at the wedding and She will give Him what He wants the wedding night.

Reality is a marriage is a partnership, start off right with the 2 participants agreeing and forget everyone else.

Advice from a sissy.

 

[fire_breeze]

So my fiance and i have been engaged for about 8 months or so and we are in the early phases of planning our wedding. He's a guy and completely oblivious to weddings so he's trying to help but he doesn't fully get it, ya know. So i'm going to start this off by saying he's from scotland, beyond beautiful country btw. So our wedding will have much of Scottish tradition as well as my own--a happy medium on the traditions. Kilts, tartan, thistle, whisky, ect. The dress style i have always wanted to get married in is a bit cliche now that i'm marrying a Scotsman lol It's a medieval style with sleeves to elbow and drapes down in thin flowy material and a hood and yeah - it's beautiful! but would it be too cliche? Would it make our wedding look more like a ren fair than a traditional scottish wedding? There are thousands of beautiful dresses that i can choose from but i feel like i'm really hooked on this one style but i don't want to look like i'm "trying to hard" as my friend put it.

Congratulations on your engagement and your upcoming marriage.

I'm prefacing this that despite that I've never been married, I have worked as a wedding organiser for a planner, so this is what I have learnt from working with brides and grooms.

1. The planner/firm I worked for didn't believe in the concept of 'her day'. It's THEIR day. You both get involved in the planning. If you are doing this on your own, then talk it over with him what he envisions to be. He may not have a detailed idea, but he may want it to be at a local place of worship, or to wear a kilt (or not). Don't push the Scottish thing if he isn't big on it (but definitely incorporate it if he wants it. This is why discussion is so important), but actually listen to what he wants. It's bullshit if he says he never envisioned his wedding. Otherwise, he would have suggested that you go to city hall and sign the papers rather than propose and have a wedding .

2. Once you have an idea, divide the tasks based on what you each good at. He's a foodie? He creates the menus. You're excellent at money and practical things? You are in charge of the budget and registry. Things like that. Then you present your ideas, mutually agree on it, and go from there.

Tips 1 and 2 which addresses your point that your fiancé "just doesn't get it" and that "he is just a guy", with the latter being a bit dismissive. Many guys very much do get it, and they are usually very excited about their wedding as well; it's just that society tells them it's not manly to do so (and on the flip side, I worked with one couple where the bride just 'didn't get it' and wasn't too enthusiastic about it, it was the groom who did most of the planning. And many gay couples are equally excited and into it as well... so yeah lol).
The tips are also based on my personal experience working for this particular firm, which emphasises their company philosophy. Take it or leave it.

As for the dress. Here's the deal what I have observed: sometimes (but not always), a bride has her heart set on a particular style and will not even entertain anything else and she is unhappy with it because it doesn't live up to her ideal. Sometimes, she finds that perfect dress in that style she dreamt about. Sometimes, the first dress that she tries on is 'it'. Sometimes it takes months. So, be willing to try. Bring one or two trusted friend who is honest, who knows you, and whose opinions and tastes you trust, go to a reputable shop, and try on a bunch of styles to see which you like the best. It may be the one that you dreamt about it, it may not. But try. THEN! Once you have narrowed it down, that's when you bring the whole coterie to find that dress and recreate 'say yes to the dress'. Most brides spend several days trying dresses on (never try on more than 4 different styles at once, or else you get an overload).

That said, YOU have to like the dress. YOU have to be comfortable with it. YOU have to wear it. I've seen some dresses that I thought looked awful, but the brides loved it, and when they got married, they looked stunning. They made the dress, the dress didn't make them. So, screw what it could potentially look like and focus on how it makes you and your husband to be feel. That's what is important. It's your first day as wife and husband: make it yours.

 

[Constance1v]

Thank you

1. If you are doing this on your own, then talk it over with him what he envisions to be. He may not have a detailed idea, but he may want it to be at a local place of worship, or to wear a kilt (or not). Don't push the Scottish thing if he isn't big on it (but definitely incorporate it if he wants it. This is why discussion is so important), but actually listen to what he wants. .

We have discussed it, at length. He wants kilts, and tartans, and hand fasting and all things Scottish. His chair will have the Scottish flag and mine with have the flag of Denmark. I want Unity Candles and wine instead of whisky or champagne. We have discussed what he wants and whta i want and have come to a happy medium - he just doesn't know how to go about it and coming up with details are what he feels clueless about. Every idea i have come up with we have discussed and agreed or disagreed to and made compromises. He has envisioned We are both planning the wedding, granted i'm doing most of the planning, he still wants to be there for every detail.

Tips 1 and 2 which addresses your point that your fiancé "just doesn't get it" and that "he is just a guy", with the latter being a bit dismissive. Many guys very much do get it, and they are usually very excited about their wedding as well; it's just that society tells them it's not manly to do so (and on the flip side, I worked with one couple where the bride just 'didn't get it' and wasn't too enthusiastic about it, it was the groom who did most of the planning. And many gay couples are equally excited and into it as well... so yeah lol).

He really doesn't get it tho, i'm not being dismissive. We have talked at length about what we each want it to look like and how we want the atmosphere to be like. We have great communication and have been together for quite some time. I've learned to read whether he fully understands something or is just in the mode of "smile and nod." This is our wedding, we are both participating and both planning but there are many aspects that he doesn't get or never thought of. Like the dresses - he doesn't understand my issue with "am i trying too hard." He has been and will continue to be fully involved with the planning, granted with a lot of guidance from me.

As for the dress. Here's the deal what I have observed: sometimes (but not always), a bride has her heart set on a particular style and will not even entertain anything else and she is unhappy with it because it doesn't live up to her ideal. Sometimes, she finds that perfect dress in that style she dreamt about. Sometimes, the first dress that she tries on is 'it'. Sometimes it takes months. So, be willing to try. Bring one or two trusted friend who is honest, who knows you, and whose opinions and tastes you trust, go to a reputable shop, and try on a bunch of styles to see which you like the best. It may be the one that you dreamt about it, it may not. But try. THEN! Once you have narrowed it down, that's when you bring the whole coterie to find that dress and recreate 'say yes to the dress'. Most brides spend several days trying dresses on (never try on more than 4 different styles at once, or else you get an overload).

I have gone to many shops and tried on way to many dresses. The last shop i went to wasn't even a bridal boutique, it was a costume shop-we went there for other reasons lol That's where I found a wedding dress of the style i had originally wanted<none of the bridal boutiques had anything even close to this style. I tried it on and i loved it. So i have planned to have it custom made specifically for me, with material that isn't cotton. My question wasn't about whether i liked the dress or whether it looked good on me, it was about "would it be too much to have this style dress with all the Scottish-ness."

 

[fire_breeze]

Thank you

We have discussed it, at length. He wants kilts, and tartans, and hand fasting and all things Scottish. His chair will have the Scottish flag and mine with have the flag of Denmark. I want Unity Candles and wine instead of whisky or champagne. We have discussed what he wants and whta i want and have come to a happy medium - he just doesn't know how to go about it and coming up with details are what he feels clueless about. Every idea i have come up with we have discussed and agreed or disagreed to and made compromises. He has envisioned We are both planning the wedding, granted i'm doing most of the planning, he still wants to be there for every detail.



He really doesn't get it tho, i'm not being dismissive. We have talked at length about what we each want it to look like and how we want the atmosphere to be like. We have great communication and have been together for quite some time. I've learned to read whether he fully understands something or is just in the mode of "smile and nod." This is our wedding, we are both participating and both planning but there are many aspects that he doesn't get or never thought of. Like the dresses - he doesn't understand my issue with "am i trying too hard." He has been and will continue to be fully involved with the planning, granted with a lot of guidance from me.




I have gone to many shops and tried on way to many dresses. The last shop i went to wasn't even a bridal boutique, it was a costume shop-we went there for other reasons lol That's where I found a wedding dress of the style i had originally wanted<none of the bridal boutiques had anything even close to this style. I tried it on and i loved it. So i have planned to have it custom made specifically for me, with material that isn't cotton. My question wasn't about whether i liked the dress or whether it looked good on me, it was about "would it be too much to have this style dress with all the Scottish-ness."

Didn't mean to put you on the defensive, nor was it meant to be criticism. Rather, it was a misunderstanding of the question, that is all

And it's just may be he isn't a big picture kind of guy. If this works for you, then that works for you

If you are worried about the style of dress, and if you are comfortable, you can ask your future in-laws. Otherwise, I would really really wouldn't worry about it. This is based on my experiences working in the industry, unless you are doing cultural appropriation (you are not), there is nothing to worry about. Based on what you said, you are comfortable in your dress. You like it. It's you. It's your and your fiancé's wedding, and so you both make the rules. So bottom line, there is nothing to worry about. Really. You will have other things to worry about, but the dress should not be one of them.

 

[jaF0]

Whatever you wear, let the Best Man undress you have have the first go.

 

[Constance1v]

Didn't mean to put you on the defensive, nor was it meant to be criticism. Rather, it was a misunderstanding of the question, that is all

If i thought you were meaning offense or criticism, i wouldn't have responded at all! I took it more like a conversation. Emotion or meaning behind words is hard to relay over text, so my apologies.

If you are worried about the style of dress, and if you are comfortable, you can ask your future in-laws. Otherwise, I would really really wouldn't worry about it. This is based on my experiences working in the industry, unless you are doing cultural appropriation (you are not), there is nothing to worry about. Based on what you said, you are comfortable in your dress. You like it. It's you. It's your and your fiancé's wedding, and so you both make the rules. So bottom line, there is nothing to worry about. Really. You will have other things to worry about, but the dress should not be one of them.

I didn't even think of talking to in-laws. The dress really is perfect for me tho, i'm getting it made soon that's why i wanted to ask if it would be "too much" for a scottish wedding - but i will definitely be talking to his mum and nana about this.

 

[wicked woman]

I think the dress you describe might look good with the kilts, etc. if you put some of the tartan he's wearing in his kilt in it...a sash, a corset, or an overlay on your skirt. Definitely won't look modern Scottish, but old time Scottish, yes.