Litiquette V

[Endless_Night]

We need *Top Kitten* badges.

Now imagine that happening in real life.

Gah!

I…yeah…no. Just can't. Especially in a situation like Rainshine's.

You go and ask someone who was in a newly defunct, emotionally intimate relationship how to handle their ex?

What the actual fuck?

 

[Endless_Night]

< 1. Are people allowed to ask what happened when a formerly public couple ends things?

Some people, yes. If you are friends with one of them, close enough that they discussed the relationship with you before the split, then sure. If not, then why would you even consider asking? Just curious? Out of spite? If so, you really need to get a hobby. Learn to knit or something.

>

This^. *nods vigorously*

Question:

I'm one of those freaks who will offer a hug to a perfect stranger in the middle of Wal*Mart because they look like they're having a hard day. Yep, I'm that girl!

It can be difficult to watch a public couple struggle and not know how to offer a word of compassion or support without overstepping.

Any advice?

That is a kind thought. If you can figure out to do so, more power to you.

Unless I know one of the participants well I avoid the situation. I am kinda infamous for making things worse, without even trying. Foot in the mouth syndrome.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

We need *Top Kitten* badges.



Gah!

I…yeah…no. Just can't. Especially in a situation like Rainshine's and Pmann's.

You go and ask someone who was in a newly defunct emotionally intimate relationship how to handle their ex?

What the actual fuck?

Well, not newly... my ex's second wife called me when she found out he'd been cheating on her with the same woman with whom he'd cheated on me. That's not a phone call you ever expect to get, but I was glad to be in my shoes and not hers.

 

[justasimplegirl]

Question:

I'm one of those freaks who will offer a hug to a perfect stranger in the middle of Wal*Mart because they look like they're having a hard day. Yep, I'm that girl!

It can be difficult to watch a public couple struggle and not know how to offer a word of compassion or support without overstepping.

Any advice?

I'm a hugger, too. I think reaching out and offering support is wonderful. I may have *clears throat* been in a rather public scenario that ended. Those that reached out with a kind word or a hug were greatly appreciated. It meant a lot to me.

 

[Endless_Night]

Well, not newly... my ex's second wife called me when she found out he'd been cheating on her with the same woman with whom he'd cheated on me. That's not a phone call you ever expect to get, but I was glad to be in my shoes and not hers.

Uuuuuuuugh.

And now I have questions. Like, if he cheated with her twice, why didn't he marry the original cheatee?

THAT IS AN ENTIRELY RHETORICAL QUESTION!!!


See? That whole curiosity question thing can lead you down a dark rabbit hole….

 

[Endless_Night]

I'm a hugger, too. I think reaching out and offering support is wonderful. I may have *clears throat* been in a rather public scenario that ended. Those that reached out with a kind word or a hug were greatly appreciated. It meant a lot to me.

You are the best.

 

[Little_Sister]

Never been in a lit-thing but from the outside looking in, if a public couple split I would absolutely expect there to be time, maybe a few months before s/he was openly in another lit-thing with someone else. Flirting randomly is fine but don't follow someone around like puppy hoping to get pet.

 

[parker77]

Question:

I'm one of those freaks who will offer a hug to a perfect stranger in the middle of Wal*Mart because they look like they're having a hard day. Yep, I'm that girl!

It can be difficult to watch a public couple struggle and not know how to offer a word of compassion or support without overstepping.

Any advice?

take up drinking and working jigsaw puzzles. start with a 1,000 piece puzzle of muted tone objects with a narrow color range. revert to these activities when you feel the urge to offer an unsolicited hug.

 

[lakesailer_mi]

From time to time someone will send me a question they would like ask. I licked this one so without further adieu...

Etiquette after a Lit-lationship ends… are there any etiquette standards? Are people allowed to ask what happened when a formerly public couple ends things? Is there an amount of time that should lapse before either party publicly begins another Lit relationship? Do you think less of the “new” person who starts up with half of the former couple? Who gets custody of the threads that the former couple PDA’d all over before their demise?

Yikes! Things are so much easier when you keep it on the DL.

I had a few lit things back in the day. Then I went a long time without being involved in any "Lit Thing." In general my Lit things have been pretty much entirely on the DL. Which has its own set of problems. And if it ends, especially badly, then it can be an awfully lonely feeling.

Like others here, I'm grateful for friends who reached out. And some who just were friends.

I think etiquette is generally simple: Be nice. (Roadhouse quote). Really, be kind. Because really, that's what you would want. It's easy sometimes to think that one person is to blame, and the other is the "victim." Let me assure you, that's seldom the case. And often...both parties are sad. And maybe dealing with a lot.

No you probably shouldn't ask. And if you do, you need to make it clear that "none of your business" is a perfectly acceptable answer. And be there to be friendly, supportive, and non-judgmental.

Is there an amount of time? There's no easy answer to this. I know one person here, who when faced with finding out that an ex from seven years ago, was involved with someone new, was hurt all over again. And you know, it's understandable. It hits us in some of our deepest insecurities. What does the new person have that I don't? It hurts. And...that's why compassion and love are important.


Do I think less of the new person. Depends on how they handle it. Again, compassion, generosity. Sometimes the best approach is to steer clear. Be kind. None of this is easy for any of us. I'm sometimes surprised at the amount of pain and hurt that runs around here. And, to tell the truth, it scares me. So...be kind people. Be kind to the people you interact with all the time.

Yes. A lapse of time, the length and duration hopefully worked out between the original couple. If the relationship didn't end well, then hopefully the *ender* exercises a little compassion.

Personally, I don't know that I'd become involved with someone who'd been part of a high-profile public couple. Too much obvious baggage. I also rather think it might interfere with my need to feel primary.

*has to be top kitten*

The easy solution is for thread custody to revert back to how things were before the *coupling*. If there are threads that aren't easily divisible, have the grace to work it out.


I will say the public Lit-lationship comes with it's own set of issue. So fun, playing on the boards together! But there's a downside, too, particular as time wears on and the relationship becomes more emotionally intimate. Fights are harder to keep private, interference from other Listers, ex-play partners who just cannot let it go.

Errr, I mean, so I hear.

At a certain point you find yourself spending less of your together time on the board. At least, true in my case.

I like EN's comment on the threads...

I like a lot of her comments here.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

take up drinking and working jigsaw puzzles. start with a 1,000 piece puzzle of muted tone objects with a narrow color range. revert to these activities when you feel the urge to offer an unsolicited hug.

:caning:

An offer is just that. I never get in someone's personal space without consent.

 

[Endless_Night]

< Right?!! I mean we were together for years. Years. That pushed me from handling it (just) to crazy town breakdown. Anyway it’s all fine in the end, he and I are friends but I would still happily stab her in the face.

It's been hours since I first read that initial comment.

Hours.

AND I STILL CANNOT COMPREHEND WHAT POSSIBLE SITUATION COULD HAVE ARISEN WHERE SHE THOUGHT IT APPROPRIATE TO APPROACH YOU ON THE SUBJECT.





Fuck.

 

[Endless_Night]

I like EN's comment on the threads...

I like a lot of her comments here.

 

[GiggLeGasm]

Hugs in public - If we've spoken, some small gesture might be appropriate. I have to agree with Parker though. I think it's nice that you want to do that.. but I think it's more for the hugger than the huggee at that point.

*Building plan for a new puzzle lending library*

Regarding the relationship thing.. It's just like real life. If you wouldn't accost a person in gossip there, then why here? On the flip side, if you were invited into the relationship, even passively as a part of public posting, and actively became a part of the conversation, I would expect that conversation to continue.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Hugs in public - If we've spoken, some small gesture might be appropriate. I have to agree with Parker though. I think it's nice that you want to do that.. but I think it's more for the hugger than the huggee at that point.

*Building plan for a new puzzle lending library*

To clarify: I was talking about irl public hugs, not here.

 

[Endless_Night]

He hurt her feelings.

Yes. I know.

I'm not sure if my break was a little too long and I am no longer able to process Lit, or maybe my brain is just not up to full capacity today, but I...am having….

….Quite the time trying to wrap my head around this describe situation.



Maybe a nap.

And a cold washrag on the forehead.

 

[parker77]

:caning:

An offer is just that. I never get in someone's personal space without consent.

i kinda figured i’d get busted for that one!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

i kinda figured i’d get busted for that one!

It's okay. There's so much that can't be seen online.

Without knowing me, you have no way of judging if I'm a reasonably normal person, or whether I'm a close-talking crazy cat lady who holds people hostage in the feminine protection aisle. I'm mostly normal.

 

[SMNaughtywife]

From time to time someone will send me a question they would like ask. I licked this one so without further adieu...

Etiquette after a Lit-lationship ends… are there any etiquette standards? Are people allowed to ask what happened when a formerly public couple ends things? Is there an amount of time that should lapse before either party publicly begins another Lit relationship? Do you think less of the “new” person who starts up with half of the former couple? Who gets custody of the threads that the former couple PDA’d all over before their demise?

Some great advice above, I’ve nothing more to add, except..

Dear caller,

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry your heart hurts, that things ended the way they did. Yes, time heals, but during the healing process it’s tough. No other way to put it. I’ve got all sorts of mushy crap for ya if needed. Hors d’oeuvres and drinks too.

And for everything else, you do what feels right. There’s no right or wrong answer, only what your head and heart have discussed prior. As for Lit etiquette, laughs hysterically- only for very (very) few. Look around because there’s a good chance you already knew the answer to that silly question. Slaps your ass just because.
I say, you owe no one any explanations, can ignore unwanted hugs and look someone straight in the eyes if they sneer or judge you for what ever reason. I’ll go and say you’re well aware of what’s genuine out there and who your friends are. But I will tell you, always, always hold your head high and know your self worth. That little piece of advice applies in all aspects of life. Yuppers.

Hands you a life quote for today, - “Actually, I can and I will.”

Signed,
I’m not always a naughty minx.

 

[Trekka]

^I this woman.

And it appears there are several of us interested in Top Kitten positions. Perhaps we should unionize.

 

[ChainedUp]

First off, thanks to everyone for fighting through the typos on my question. It was done on the quick and sometimes autocorrect is not my friend.

My two cents on the topic is: This place doesn't follow societal norms. At all. So trying to impart what you might expect with a real life breakup won't always fit here. Asking a former "friend" about their play preferences is way off base, at least in my book. Figure it out on your own, dot-to-dot sex isn't really any fun anyway.

Other than that, I guess, like others have said, follow the Goledn Lit Rule and be nice and respectful. No one wants the past or the present thrown in their face.

 

[rubydlite]

First off, thanks to everyone for fighting through the typos on my question. It was done on the quick and sometimes autocorrect is not my friend.

My two cents on the topic is: This place doesn't follow societal norms. At all. So trying to impart what you might expect with a real life breakup won't always fit here. Asking a former "friend" about their play preferences is way off base, at least in my book. Figure it out on your own, dot-to-dot sex isn't really any fun anyway.

Other than that, I guess, like others have said, follow the Goledn Lit Rule and be nice and respectful. No one wants the past or the present thrown in their face.

It's ChainedUp answering a question?!
Jaw.....drops.

 

[dacoach44]

Jeez....

Some great advice above, I’ve nothing more to add, except..

Dear caller,

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry your heart hurts, that things ended the way they did. Yes, time heals, but during the healing process it’s tough. No other way to put it. I’ve got all sorts of mushy crap for ya if needed. Hors d’oeuvres and drinks too.

And for everything else, you do what feels right. There’s no right or wrong answer, only what your head and heart have discussed prior. As for Lit etiquette, laughs hysterically- only for very (very) few. Look around because there’s a good chance you already knew the answer to that silly question. Slaps your ass just because.
I say, you owe no one any explanations, can ignore unwanted hugs and look someone straight in the eyes if they sneer or judge you for what ever reason. I’ll go and say you’re well aware of what’s genuine out there and who your friends are. But I will tell you, always, always hold your head high and know your self worth. That little piece of advice applies in all aspects of life. Yuppers.

Hands you a life quote for today, - “Actually, I can and I will.”

Signed,
I’m not always a naughty minx.

I might kiss; I damn sure dont tell. And, I am still pals with all my Litster friends, as far as I know.

 

[ChainedUp]

It's ChainedUp answering a question?!
Jaw.....drops.

Well, it wasn't my question.....

 

[ChainedUp]

Takers and givers. That pretty much sums up fellow litsters. Maybe it's not cut and tied one way or another but no matter your Sub/Dom tendencies, your need to be pleasured, your need to give pleasure, at the end of the day we all fall on one side or the other.

I get why givers give(or st least I think I do) but why do takers take?

 

[Endless_Night]

Takers and givers. That pretty much sums up fellow litsters. Maybe it's not cut and tied one way or another but no matter your Sub/Dom tendencies, your need to be pleasured, your need to give pleasure, at the end of the day we all fall on one side or the other.

I get why givers give(or st least I think I do) but why do takers take?

Most people are something of a mix, but it you're talking chronic taker my assumption is that they are selfish, or entitled, or feel superior in some way to the giver. As an oddity, it's not unusual for people I view as ginormous *takers* to view themselves as *givers*.

Not sure whether I find that more amusing or exasperating.

Depends on the day.