Hostile Posting - The Server Analogy

[Dr. Groove]

I've only been back on here for a short time and have enjoyed catching up and getting to know some new-to-me Litsters. Many of my new pals mentioned the current challenging state or unusual time for the GB. In some ways, it's different and in some ways it stays the same. It's an Internet forum, there will always be battles, snark, sarcasm and the pluses and minuses of anonymity. Add to that our current socio-political climate and you have a recipe for some potentially divisive happenings. I guess I'm sharing that intro to say, I'm not surprised it's a little more polarized than I remember.

There has been something else popping up for me though, and since I have a somewhat fresh perspective, I thought I'd share and see what y'all thought.

Have you ever have a meal in a restaurant when someone near you - either at your table or not - is a complete asshole to the server? You know what I'm talking about - something goes wrong with service, and they decide to take it out on the server and shift from being a disappointed customer with an issue, and turn it into a demeaning, degrading assault intended to make themselves feel powerful and the server feel awful and powerless.

If you've ever been near one of those episodes, you'll know the feeling for everyone else. The hush of the table, the avoiding of eye contact. Regardless of what went wrong, most humans aren't rallying for the customer who's berating the server, they are wishing for a kind and merciful end to the conflict, so they can salvage their most likely destroyed evening.

I feel like there are several posters on here right now, that are filled with some sort of righteous inspiration to keep battling one another, often over nothing. It seems fueled just because you're sworn enemies and you're taking every opportunity to berate or belittle the opponent, rehashing old themes, or past atrocities.

I just wanted to take a moment to share this analogy, and my perspective, with the hopes that you'd be able to see the impact on the rest of the room - the rest of the "restaurant." Your plight to be right, or to craft the harshest attack is making the rest of the room recoil and just wish for it to stop.

Going back to the real-life example in the restaurant setting for a second - you know what creeps me out the most? When the asshole that was just treating another human being like shit, can turn back to the table, smile, and continue like nothing happened. I suppose they think they're demonstrating a calm return, like they took care of something, but to me it feels like the behavior of a sociopath.

I feel that here too. If you go from a scorched-earth diatribe and then shift to jovial small talk in the next post, I don't feel comfortable like, "whew - glad that's over!" I feel like - "What in the fuck was that?" And I back away towards more comfortable space.

Don't get me wrong, I have stood my ground in customer service situations, I've been hard on retail staff or servers, but I have never tried to berate them or make them feel small or unworthy and that's the sort of difference we're talking about. And if I have had a real, emotional confrontation, when it's over, I need to process it and probably take a break. I mean, if you're truly upset, it's important to find a way to express it - but I don't like to pretend it didn't happen. That just isn't real.

Bring on the snark - the witty debate, the roast-worthy insults - but try to keep in mind that tirades and hurtful intentions just creat space between you and the rest of the world. Whether you're in a room full of people or on an anonymous Internet forum.

Rant over - thanks for listening - take it for whatever it's worth.

Thoughts?

 

[Rotadom]

You did all of the work in the first couple lines:

...is a complete asshole to...

Yo could/should have left it there but I appreciate the effort you took in explaining your thoughts. That happens so often, whether it be the server, the chambermaid, the gardener, the overpriced one-legged Filipino midget hooker, we all have been there and also guilty of doing that, it's "the norm".

 

[Que]

At times, I purposefully do that.

Intermittently, I may choose not to let trolling go completely unchallenged. Rather than be only bogged down in that, I also choose not to let my Lit experience be otherwise altered.

My policy is that if I would have posted (absent any potential contention) then I'm going to post it.

That can contrast sttarkly with the mood set by the contention.

 

[Que]

You did all of the work in the first couple lines:



Yo could/should have left it there but I appreciate the effort you took in explaining your thoughts. That happens so often, whether it be the server, the chambermaid, the gardener, the overpriced one-legged Filipino midget hooker, we all have been there and also guilty of doing that, it's "the norm".

There is nothing "normal" about being a complete asshole to any of those people on that list.

 

[Rotadom]

There is nothing "normal" about being a complete asshole to any of those people on that list.

You're right on both points to a point. There's a lot of people in this world having a lot of bad days and shit rolls downhill and we've all taken our frustrations out on others.

 

[Dr. Groove]

Having a bad day, and/or regrettably taking it out on someone is one thing.

Habitually and self-righteously attacking others for real or perceived wrongs to the point of making everyone else in the vicinity uncomfortable; is a whole separate thing, and is the point of this post.

Que - I don't know your back story, but my guess is no one else can keep up with your scorecard of who did what, or how many slights you did or did not let go unaddressed. You're not the only one, and I'm not taking sides in any of the specific debates - but sheesh, I hope you can gain some perspective and chill out sometime. Either for your own sake, or for the rest of the board that's just tired of it all.

 

[Que]

You're right on both points to a point. There's a lot of people in this world having a lot of bad days and shit rolls downhill and we've all taken our frustrations out on others.

There's an immense difference between being short tempered with someone who is directly responsible for your actual ire, and taking it out on someone who is not.

Yes shit rolls downhill that's why you find a good spot for your latrine.

 

[IrezumiKiss]

I've only been back on here for a short time and have enjoyed catching up and getting to know some new-to-me Litsters. Many of my new pals mentioned the current challenging state or unusual time for the GB. In some ways, it's different and in some ways it stays the same. It's an Internet forum, there will always be battles, snark, sarcasm and the pluses and minuses of anonymity. Add to that our current socio-political climate and you have a recipe for some potentially divisive happenings. I guess I'm sharing that intro to say, I'm not surprised it's a little more polarized than I remember.

There has been something else popping up for me though, and since I have a somewhat fresh perspective, I thought I'd share and see what y'all thought.

Have you ever have a meal in a restaurant when someone near you - either at your table or not - is a complete asshole to the server? You know what I'm talking about - something goes wrong with service, and they decide to take it out on the server and shift from being a disappointed customer with an issue, and turn it into a demeaning, degrading assault intended to make themselves feel powerful and the server feel awful and powerless.

If you've ever been near one of those episodes, you'll know the feeling for everyone else. The hush of the table, the avoiding of eye contact. Regardless of what went wrong, most humans aren't rallying for the customer who's berating the server, they are wishing for a kind and merciful end to the conflict, so they can salvage their most likely destroyed evening.

I feel like there are several posters on here right now, that are filled with some sort of righteous inspiration to keep battling one another, often over nothing. It seems fueled just because you're sworn enemies and you're taking every opportunity to berate or belittle the opponent, rehashing old themes, or past atrocities.

I just wanted to take a moment to share this analogy, and my perspective, with the hopes that you'd be able to see the impact on the rest of the room - the rest of the "restaurant." Your plight to be right, or to craft the harshest attack is making the rest of the room recoil and just wish for it to stop.

Going back to the real-life example in the restaurant setting for a second - you know what creeps me out the most? When the asshole that was just treating another human being like shit, can turn back to the table, smile, and continue like nothing happened. I suppose they think they're demonstrating a calm return, like they took care of something, but to me it feels like the behavior of a sociopath.

I feel that here too. If you go from a scorched-earth diatribe and then shift to jovial small talk in the next post, I don't feel comfortable like, "whew - glad that's over!" I feel like - "What in the fuck was that?" And I back away towards more comfortable space.

Don't get me wrong, I have stood my ground in customer service situations, I've been hard on retail staff or servers, but I have never tried to berate them or make them feel small or unworthy and that's the sort of difference we're talking about. And if I have had a real, emotional confrontation, when it's over, I need to process it and probably take a break. I mean, if you're truly upset, it's important to find a way to express it - but I don't like to pretend it didn't happen. That just isn't real.

Bring on the snark - the witty debate, the roast-worthy insults - but try to keep in mind that tirades and hurtful intentions just creat space between you and the rest of the world. Whether you're in a room full of people or on an anonymous Internet forum.

Rant over - thanks for listening - take it for whatever it's worth.

Thoughts?

http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/deadliestfiction/images/d/d3/McGonagell_Clapping.gif/revision/latest?cb=20140723014314

My immediate thought is that this post is almost too good for this joint!

But very well said and I totes agree with the analogy. This place has been and will likely continue to be a zone where certain people will vent their closet sociopathy because they can't do it in the meat world. It comes out in their attitude and being relatively faceless behind ciphers gives them safety. That's the unfortunate drawback of free, mostly open online communities.

 

[Debbie]

I am very shy in real life but now that I'm not a young whipper snapper if I am in a situation where someone is being an asshole to a staff member I say excuse me. Dial down the attitude please. No need to be pushy, or yelling.

It makes me cross because most of the time the irate customer knows damn well that their server is not going to answer back fearing they will get backlash from their boss.

I glare at them like I'm going to be very cross and for the most part the angry customer will stop, apologize and become more reasonable and on the odd occassion they don't? Then most places now have 'security' and will respond as necessary or call the police if it gets out of hand.

Meanwhile my knees are shaking and I'm pleased no one punched me in the snozz.



Here? This place has always been a place where some people will have fisticuffs using their words.

Everyone deals with it in the way they think is best.

Some respond and admonish.

Some tell the posters to fuck off and grow up.

Some say nothing hoping the asshole will just shut the hell up and stop trying to get attention.

Some say nothing thinking responding gives the asshole some sort of buzz. Like look at me. Everyone is giving me attention even though I'm a complete wanker.

Then some use their ignore button.

There will always be assholes and drama here.

There will always be amazing, interesting people too.


Silence from posters when someone is being an asshole here does not mean they condone what the poster is doing or that they are turning a blind eye.

 

[stickygirl]

Use Ignore liberally. It's like choosing who else is sitting in the restaurant

 

[Saint Peter]

Pussies!

 

[Debbie]

Pussies!

Don't be catty.

I have feelings.

And I'm thin skinned.

Or am I?

I read this:

http://www.eggshelltherapy.com/having-thin-skin/

and now I have self doubt also. Just kidding.

"I can easily imagine myself as an animal or what it might be like to be an animal."

I imagine myself to be a tigress.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Rant over - thanks for listening - take it for whatever it's worth.

Thoughts?

As a poster and a server, thank you.

 

[AngusBridie]

Well I'm new so I dont know what the good ole days are or were here, however, great analogy, I concur, its hard to watch somebody go from zero to crazy then back down to zero then want to have a conversation with them...

Check please.

 

[Dr. Groove]

http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/deadliestfiction/images/d/d3/McGonagell_Clapping.gif/revision/latest?cb=20140723014314

My immediate thought is that this post is almost too good for this joint!

But very well said and I totes agree with the analogy. This place has been and will likely continue to be a zone where certain people will vent their closet sociopathy because they can't do it in the meat world. It comes out in their attitude and being relatively faceless behind ciphers gives them safety. That's the unfortunate drawback of free, mostly open online communities.

Thanks for your post. It is part of the terrain, for sure. I believe a sense of community can still develop and provide some balance to some degree.

 

[Dr. Groove]

There will always be assholes and drama here.

There will always be amazing, interesting people too.

Silence from posters when someone is being an asshole here does not mean they condone what the poster is doing or that they are turning a blind eye.

Thanks for posting - sage words.

 

[Dr. Groove]

Use Ignore liberally. It's like choosing who else is sitting in the restaurant

True! An amazing feature we're not so fortunate to have in real life!

 

[Dr. Groove]

As a poster and a server, thank you.

Thank YOU.

PS. I'm trough four chapters and moved by your story - thanks for sharing!

 

[Aglaopheme]

I think what goes on in this joint is way different than someone bring a jerk in a restaurant. I've been that server. I've had a man follow me into the kitchen just so he could yell at me some more. I listened to the man with a smile on my face, and he wound up thanking me for that once he was done yelling. Then I was able to get his steak cooked properly for him.

I think it's rare that there's ever real venom behind posts here. I'm certainly not uncomfortable as I would be watching a prick in action in real life. If someone chooses to attack me personally, I think that is just a reflection of who they are, there's no sting associated with it. I tend to scroll past this who choose to hurl childish insults around. Not that I haven't hurled a few of my own.

 

[AngusBridie]

I tend to scroll past this who choose to hurl childish insults around. Not that I haven't hurled a few of my own.

Yours were skillfully crafted and placed lovingly in the trebuchet before being launched at the glass house though..

 

[MelissaBaby]

Thank YOU.

PS. I'm trough four chapters and moved by your story - thanks for sharing!

I appreciate that very much, thank you. I'd love to hear your thoughts when you've finished.

 

[RobDownSouth]

I agree. These continual attacks are quite petty and tiresome.
I make liberal use of the ignore button to improve my Lit experience.

 

[Wrong Element]

Use Ignore liberally. It's like choosing who else is sitting in the restaurant

I've said this before, but I spent my first few years here thinking that Ignore was "taking the easy way out," and that putting up with endless moronitude was proof that I could handle the big tough Internet.

Then, just to see how it would go, I put LT on Ignore when he was in one of his page-stretching snits, and I saw the light.

If someone is personally abusive, has nothing to contribute, and has 10 threads of drivel on the front page at any given time (I may or may not be referring to a particular person here), why allow them any space in your head? Customize your GB experience and get rid of them.

 

[Aquagal]

Great post Dr! I think some don’t see themselves in your analogy.

 

[DrDelirium]

^^^ This.