Emergency Dildos

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Originally Posted by LIVINRFANTASIES View Post

I'm sort of fat and I have used a banana as a dildo in an emergency.
"EMERGENCY DILDOS" could be it's very own threads LMAO

I got the comment above on another thread. Then thought it's a good topic. So ladies, during those special times when there are no dildos, vibrators, or real men handy, what have you used in an emergency?

Here are a few of my personal emergency dildos.
Of course we all use fingers, our own and others.
I've used a popsicle
A banana
A hotdog and a polish suasage
A large cucumber
When camping I've used dildo shaped smooth rocks
I've used all sorts of tools in hubby's garage, motorcycle repair shops, and wherever a tool and an urge came up

I'm sure there were more. What did you do in case of an emergency?

 

[Farawyn]

Gosh...

 

[twister947]

Gosh...

 

[Bramblethorn]

poetry time!

Slightly off-topic, but it does mention emergency substitutes:

You ladies of merry England
Who have been to kiss the Duchess's hand,
Pray, did you not lately observe in the show
A noble Italian called Signior Dildo?

This signior was one of the Duchess's train
And helped to conduct her over the main;
But now she cries out, 'To the Duke I will go,
I have no more need for Signior Dildo.'

At the Sign of the Cross in St James's Street,
When next you go thither to make yourselves sweet
By buying of powder, gloves, essence, or so,
You may chance to get a sight of Signior Dildo.

You would take him at first for no person of note,
Because he appears in a plain leather coat,
But when you his virtuous abilities know,
You'll fall down and worship Signior Dildo.

My Lady Southesk, heaven prosper her for't,
First clothed him in satin, then brought him to court;
But his head in the circle he scarcely durst show,
So modest a youth was Signior Dildo.

The good Lady Suffolk, thinking no harm,
Had got this poor stranger hid under her arm.
Lady Betty by chance came the secret to know
And from her own mother stole Signior Dildo.

The Countess of Falmouth, of whom people tell
Her footmen wear shirts of a guinea an ell,
Might save that expense, if she did but know
How lusty a swinger is Signior Dildo.

By the help of this gallant the Countess of Rafe
Against the fierce Harris preserved herself safe;
She stifled him almost beneath her pillow,
So closely she embraced Signior Dildo.

The pattern of virtue, Her Grace of Cleveland,
Has swallowed more pricks than the ocean has sand;
But by rubbing and scrubbing so wide does it grow,
It is fit for just nothing but Signior Dildo.

Our dainty fine duchesses have got a trick
To dote on a fool for the sake of his prick,
The fops were undone did their graces but know
The discretion and vigour of Signior Dildo.

The Duchess of Modena, though she looks so high,
With such a gallant is content to lie,
And for fear that the English her secrets should know,
For her gentleman usher took Signior Dildo.

The Countess o' th' Cockpit (who knows not her name?
She's famous in story for a killing dame),
When all her old lovers forsake her, I trow,
She'll then be contented with Signior Dildo.

Red Howard, Red Sheldon, and Temple so tall
Complain of his absence so long from Whitehall.
Signior Barnard has promised a journey to go
And bring back his countryman, Signior Dildo.

Doll Howard no longer with His Highness must range,
And therefore is proferred this civil exchange:
Her teeth being rotten, she smells best below,
And needs must be fitted for Signior Dildo.

St Albans with wrinkles and smiles in his face,
Whose kindness to strangers becomes his high place,
In his coach and six horses is gone to Bergo
To take the fresh air with Signior Dildo.

Were this signior but known to the citizen fops,
He'd keep their fine wives from the foremen o'their shops;
But the rascals deserve their horns should still grow
For burning the Pope and his nephew, Dildo.

Tom Killigrew's wife, that Holland fine flower,
At the sight of this signior did fart and belch sour,
And her Dutch breeding the further to show,
Says, 'Welcome to England, Mynheer Van Dildo.'

He civilly came to the Cockpit one night,
And proferred his service to fair Madam Knight.
Quoth she, 'I intrigue with Captain Cazzo;
Your nose in mine arse, good Signior Dildo.'

This signior is sound, safe, ready, and dumb
As ever was candle, carrot, or thumb;
Then away with these nasty devices, and show
How you rate the just merit of Signior Dildo.

Count Cazzo, who carries his nose very high,
In passion he swore his rival should die;
Then shut himself up to let the world know
Flesh and blood could not bear it from Signior Dildo.

A rabble of pricks who were welcome before,
Now finding the porter denied them the door,
Maliciously waited his coming below
And inhumanly fell on Signior Dildo.

Nigh wearied out, the poor stranger did fly,
And along the Pall Mall they followed full cry;
The women concerned from every window
Cried, 'For heaven's sake, save Signior Dildo.'

The good Lady Sandys burst into a laughter
To see how the ballocks came wobbling after,
And had not their weight retarded the foe,
Indeed't had gone hard with Signior Dildo.

- Lord John Wilmot, Second Earl of Rochester

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

So none of you ladies have been someplace and wanted to masturbate with something other than your fingers?
Members can start threads calling others names and telling us they are alts yet when it comes to real sex no one has a comment.

Well I'll just sit here with my ball point pen and get off all alone or that small Chicago Cubs toy baseball bat.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I have been fighting a bad case of tendinitis for months, following a bad case of stupidity about weight training. The PT has me using these a lot - heavy, solid and flexible.

On Earth X, where I have a vagina, I take lots of me-time with this thing.

http://www.performancehealthacademy.com/media/catalog/product/cache/16/small_image/380x/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/f/b/fb-wrist-flex-grip-bil-2__120104_161646.jpg

 

[cookiecat]

.....

 

[soltiera]

Haven't really used any emergency dildo as such, but I might have used the back side of my Sonicare as a vibrator once in a pinch. The downside is it times out after 2 minutes and if you're, ya know, say, at a family holiday weekend, they might possibly think you have an unhealthy obsession with oral cleanliness after the sixth time you turn it on in rapid succession...Not that I would know anything about that...

 

[Farawyn]

.....

 

[HisArpy]

So none of you ladies have been someplace and wanted to masturbate with something other than your fingers?
Members can start threads calling others names and telling us they are alts yet when it comes to real sex no one has a comment.

Well I'll just sit here with my ball point pen and get off all alone or that small Chicago Cubs toy baseball bat.

It's Lit. Nobody here actually HAS sex. We're all faking it and calling our friends to tell them how good it was.

Or something like that anyway.

Personally I have no idea why any woman needs an emergency dildo if there's a guy handy. He's got all the tools any woman could want. Fingers, tongue, teeth, and oh my....

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

I have been fighting a bad case of tendinitis for months, following a bad case of stupidity about weight training. The PT has me using these a lot - heavy, solid and flexible.

On Earth X, where I have a vagina, I take lots of me-time with this thing.

http://www.performancehealthacademy.com/media/catalog/product/cache/16/small_image/380x/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/f/b/fb-wrist-flex-grip-bil-2__120104_161646.jpg

As a male I imagine sticking a dildo inside your penis would be painfull. Thanks for answering anyway.

.....

You use periods during your period?

Haven't really used any emergency dildo as such, but I might have used the back side of my Sonicare as a vibrator once in a pinch. The downside is it times out after 2 minutes and if you're, ya know, say, at a family holiday weekend, they might possibly think you have an unhealthy obsession with oral cleanliness after the sixth time you turn it on in rapid succession...Not that I would know anything about that...

I really don't do this on regular family weekends. But among other active people into sex games I have been known to use whatever is handed to me if it is not pointed or two large.

.....

Fara I was hoping you'd have some new and great ideas.

It's Lit. Nobody here actually HAS sex. We're all faking it and calling our friends to tell them how good it was.
Or something like that anyway.
Personally I have no idea why any woman needs an emergency dildo if there's a guy handy. He's got all the tools any woman could want. Fingers, tongue, teeth, and oh my....

I'm beginning to think you are right. I'm the only female on here.
My husband was often there when I needed him and usually even when I didn't. But in his older age and recovering from prostate radiation he can only do the hand and mouth parts.
Even when he was having sex with me regularly there were times he was at work, in the yard, or out in the garage. For some reason I am like my mom was, I need something a lot.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

As a male I imagine sticking a dildo inside your penis would be painfull. Thanks for answering anyway.

You have no idea. Penile tendinitis is the worst.

 

[HisArpy]

I'm beginning to think you are right. I'm the only female on here.
My husband was often there when I needed him and usually even when I didn't. But in his older age and recovering from prostate radiation he can only do the hand and mouth parts.
Even when he was having sex with me regularly there were times he was at work, in the yard, or out in the garage. For some reason I am like my mom was, I need something a lot.

Well, didn't you have a private gardener or poolboy like the neighbor did?

Ok, I'm kidding. Kinda.

I wish more women actually had the courage to be sexually active because they wanted sex rather than just the dating/mating ritual. Unfortunately the larger portion of society looks down on women for wanting sex and calls them nasty names for it. Of course they call men nastier names but that's a different story.

 

[barefootgirl69]

I'm game, Miss Dollie!

I have been known to take the shower head down and turn it to a nice steady stream while in the shower.

But... that's not what you mean, is it?

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

Well, didn't you have a private gardener or poolboy like the neighbor did?

Ok, I'm kidding. Kinda.

I wish more women actually had the courage to be sexually active because they wanted sex rather than just the dating/mating ritual. Unfortunately the larger portion of society looks down on women for wanting sex and calls them nasty names for it. Of course they call men nastier names but that's a different story.

I had reasons for not having intercourse with other men. Notice when I write about this I don't write 'I haven't had sex with other men.' It's a long silly story. But as we got more into Lit and another adult site I changed. No pool boys but lots of lonely old men. Yet that leaves times like now when I'm only using one hand to type.

I'm game, Miss Dollie!

I have been known to take the shower head down and turn it to a nice steady stream while in the shower.

But... that's not what you mean, is it?

No. I mean Yes. Maybe.
I have used a shower or bathtub faucet with the water set just right. After all, campgrounds have lots of different showers and most are empty later at night.

 

[twister947]

Does anyone give any thought at all to where this stuff has been? Wash your fruits and veggies! Not to mention your hands and <shudder> hand tools.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

Does anyone give any thought at all to where this stuff has been? Wash your fruits and veggies! Not to mention your hands and <shudder> hand tools.

I wash fruits and veggies. But I've had some greasy hand tools used of all sizes. The end of a rachet or monkey wrench can be covered in oil or grease but that just makes it slide better.
Using the wooden end of a plunger was probably not the smartest thing.
The rubber handle of a mini golf club.

Even some car parts in an old junk yard if it's not rusty or pointed.
I've been dared to use the chrome ball and tank shifter of our old Harley before and watched other women do it.
Some of us have done it to a greasy trailer hitch ball on a bumper.
There have been times when there wasn't time to think. Life is a gamble and there's soap or a body of water someplace.

Long ago I'd use the neck of a beer bottle but was told it could cause suction and pull my insides out. Small lotion bottles and statues. Many statues are dildos in discuise
Icesicles with the point broke off.

 

[Lilsnshyn]

......

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

Hmm.. when I was younger I used a highlighter, one of the bigger ones, in the car before work to take the edge off.
Then there's the obvious, hairbrush handle, cucumber, a swiffer duster handle, etc.
But now that I'm older with my own place, I just use B.O.B.

I've had my own place since 1959 I think. Well I had to share with my husband and a growing family of kids. Hair brushes and other toys would have been safer. I don't think a woman ever got pregnant from a Sharpie marker or carrot!

Well I suppose since this thread was my idea I'm obligated to share a smidge.

When our marriage was younger and we ever had weekends without kids around, there was an occasion that I tied my wife across a kitchen island, and when I was done spanking her with every wooden spoon in the kitchen; gave it to her with the textured rubber handle of an ice cream scoop before availing myself.

Ice cream made her giggle for years after that.

Yes this is all your fault. Bend over my knee and give me a wooden spoon to spank you.
I still get red in the face when I eat a popsicle or a cucumber.

There was another girlfriend long ago whom I toyed with using carrots while she was secured by various tac to the twine of hay bales in my parents barn. Afterwards I destroyed the evidence by feeding it to the horses.

My sister lived on a farm with a farmer. While I was dating my soon to be husband we actually did it often behind the barn and on an old tractor.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

Also a nice smooth candle holder or even a long thin candle, not burning.

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Dollie

We both got up early. Hubby is watching news so I decided to check in here. Right off I got excited. On the desk are a couple of skinny ball point pens.
In an emergency one of them works real well. Just be carefull how far you shove it in.

 

[Harrywildone]

Did anyone mention Italian sausage?

 

[Snugbug]

I wash fruits and veggies. But I've had some greasy hand tools used of all sizes. The end of a rachet or monkey wrench can be covered in oil or grease but that just makes it slide better.
Using the wooden end of a plunger was probably not the smartest thing.
The rubber handle of a mini golf club.

Even some car parts in an old junk yard if it's not rusty or pointed.
I've been dared to use the chrome ball and tank shifter of our old Harley before and watched other women do it.
Some of us have done it to a greasy trailer hitch ball on a bumper.
There have been times when there wasn't time to think. Life is a gamble and there's soap or a body of water someplace.

Long ago I'd use the neck of a beer bottle but was told it could cause suction and pull my insides out. Small lotion bottles and statues. Many statues are dildos in discuise
Icesicles with the point broke off.

Maybe I'm a wimp, but I'd be scared of getting an infection from using something greasy or oily.

 

[LostGirlTink]

Maybe I'm a wimp, but I'd be scared of getting an infection from using something greasy or oily.

I'm a germaphobe, so I feel the same way.
I have never needed an emergency dildo I plan ahead.
Those that are using other things, please be safe, the idea of the neck of a beer bottle is terrifying, do you know how easily those things chip, crack and break?

 

[LIVINRFANTASIES]

Did anyone mention Italian sausage?

We had a friend who was a nurse. She told about a male patient who came in the hospital after a car accident with a large sausage in his pants.

I've had a hotdog used a time or two while camping.

Maybe I'm a wimp, but I'd be scared of getting an infection from using something greasy or oily.

Grease and oil are fairly safe. At the time these things happened I rarely had time to think. Getting grease all over my boobies was another fun mechanic thing.